I have been married for 5 years and with my H for 9. We are both only 24 (you do the math-- we were married young). He told me last week that he cheated on me and is not sure if he has the feelings for me that a husband should. He won't discontinue his relationship with the OW. They are only able to talk on email and phone (she lives in another country). I want to work this out. I haven't shown him any anger-- just the hurt. My problem is I am having a hard time waiting, knowing that everyday he talks to her. He doesn't know wether or not he wants to stick this out. She is in the process of getting a divorc <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> e. Obviously they can no longer have S, but he says that he feels something between lust and love for the OW. What should I do?? He has been completely honest through everything. He is extremely depressed about this situation (he knows he brought it on himself). Any advice would be appreciate-- my heart aches so bad. I love my husband with all of my heart. He seems to get depressed about every 6 months, this happened during one of his "boughts". He is unsure if he is happy.

Hello Sadandscared (we've all been both sad and scared too) -- I am sorry to have to welcome you here, but I hope that the folks here can provide you with some resources and support.

The best thing I did when I first found out was to read as much as possible. Three books I highly recommend that helped calm me down and understand/make sense of what was going on were 1. Surviving an Affair by Harley 2. After the Affair by Jennifer Abrahm-Spring, and 3. Private Lies by Pittman. Reading here as much as you can/following some posts like Seahorse's on Just Found Out Forum and others can also help. Also, over on the Just Found out Forum somebody usually posts WAT's quick start for newbies and other notable posts to read when you are first hit with this.

I too have a spouse that struggles with depression. It can be very difficult and I am so sorry you are going through this. The combination of an A and depression is fairly common as the depressed spouse desperately seeks anything (drugs, alcohol, affairs, etc) in an attempt to escape their depression and fears.

I strongly recommend that you get in some counseling even if your WH will not. It will help you better understand this situation and what you should and should not do. The Harley principles are sound, but there is definitely some tweaking that needs to be considered if you are dealing with a truly clinically depressed spouse. You can't push them or make them go to therapy and, unfortunately, they need to hit rock bottom before they seek out sustained and appropriate help.

Can you tell us more about your situation? How long has he been in depression? Is he seeing a therapist? Has he ever described for you what he believes (even if not rational) is flawed in your relationship (if he has not, don't push for it now as it won't be well received).

Thanks so much for the reply. I don't think he has actual "depression" he just gets in his moods where he questions his choices (IE our marriage). We have seperated once -- about 2 years ago. I left the state and one month later he begged me back. My sister suffers from depression, I know the symptoms-- he doesn't have them, just issues.
He feels that because we were married so young that there maybe someone else out there that would make him happier. This OW obviously does, that is why I don't know why I am hanging on. He won't go to counseling- he says they are over rated and he can sort this out in his head. It seems to me that he doesn't appreciate what he has. He admits that he may be screwing up his and my life, that is why he is taking so long to decide. He gets in his moods and thinks that the grass is greener on the other side. Our marriage is a great one, he knows that. He said he wasn't looking for this, and that if he could take it back he would. But he still won't stop talking to the OW, and hasn't made a decision to divorse or not. He is in an extremely sad place right now and it hurts me to see him this way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

S&S -- Glad to know that he is not clinically depressed, but sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like so many others here. WH (wayward husband) "finds" himself in this situation/didn't mean to, etc. It's fairly typical to deny that counseling will be helpful or that they can find a way out of the situation. It's jokingly called "the fog" here. What it is is really something called cognitive dissonance and trying to justify behaviors that they know deep down are wrong.

Really, if you can get to a bookstore or order from this site, get some books.

I don't know if I can help but I agree. You need to read to first get right with yourself. Although he did the deed, there is some behavior you may have exhibited not realizing the negative effect it can have. Not that you are at fault but realize that the A is a symptom of other issues in a marriage. For myself, I took my H for granted and always thought he would be there. WRONG. I also thought that he was more emotionally stable than he was. He too suffers from undiagnosed depression that over the years has manifested itself as different addictions.
The biggest thing I have learned is that most of us BS have lost ourselves and are so distraught over the obvious but in addition lost because our sole means of support and comfort, now finds there own comfort in someone else. We struggle to wonder why when, most often the WS doesn't even know. Take time for yourself. Get to know yourself all over. You may discover that you are not the person you once was. I like myself beter now. I am much stronger and can see my faults and try to correct me not others. Most often when I have a success, my WH comes around and notices.
Also know the only behavior you can control is your own. Try not to dwell on changing him because you just can't. His behavior is his decission whether you like it or not.
The hurt is still there. Try your best and you will come out on top with no regrets!

Thanks for the advice. I am going to pick up some books tonight. I too am sorry that everyone in this website is going through this heartache. It is awful. I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy.

A couple of more things that I don't really understand. I am in Phase A, but how long am I supposed to give him to decide? It is tearing my heart!

Also, how do you avoid the desire to talk about this everytime you see your WH? Everynight when he comes home we have a discussion. He won't hold me, sleep with me, or do anything that "might give me hope". I know this is him trying to save me from getting hurt even more, but it makes living together really ackward. All I want to do is try to figure this out.

The books will give you a better sense of timing and why, etc.

But, from what I understand about the Harley concepts, you should try and give plan A about six months. That is just a guide really because what's clearer is when you should shift to plan B -- a) when you are losing/have lost your love for your WH and b) when you've become so impatient as a result that you find yourself lovebusting all over the place.

It's different for every person. I know you want to resolve this right away and that you want to talk about it all the time. I did too. What is difficult to absorb, but very important, is that this process takes time. It took a long time (at least many months) for your marriage to get to the point where an affair was appealing/possible and it's going to take time to make changes.

More than likely your WH is scared. He needs to see the changes in you for longer than a few weeks. I will give you a personal example. I know I am a fairly quick to judge person and I know I can be sarcastic. I've been that way since day one of our marriage, but it got much worse as my reaction to my WH's working so much and generally being unavailable/unwilling to take vacations. This then caused my WH to move further away from me emotionally and eventually to an A. It's both of our faults. After I calmed down and looked at what I had been doing, I started being calmer, less judgmental, and generally more of a listener than a judger with my WH. I am sure that for the first few months he didn't think these changes were going to be permanent and he was afraid I was going to lash out at him.

That's just an example. I hope it helps you see what/why the Harley's say give it some time.

You will take one step forward and two steps back at first. This is really hard stuff. Eventually though you will be able to say that you are making plan A changes for you, your future relationship and that they are permanent.

Best to you.

Sad and Scared,
So sorry for your situation. You are not alone. You can get help here. I did. This is the most awful thing to go through. You will get good advice here. I know what you mean about the getting married young. We married at 18 and that is one of my WH's excuses for what he is doing. Try not to listen to the FOG. You will learn what it is. Look for some threads about FOG. You will find that the things that your H says are not unusual, it will help you to realize that your situation, although HORRIBLE, is a pattern and that there are steps you can take to help you and your relationship. Good luck to you. Be strong.

Love
Sharon