My wife filed for divorce. I have done a 180. I was the idiot in the relationship, I guess I thought she would take it forever. I took her for granted and did not show appreciation for things she did. She was the giver I was the taker. Now the roles are reversed (see other posts). Her lawyer got a restarining order so now I can't talk to her or see her. To her I am being manipulative and obssessing. Well, those things stopped. Now shes having her lawyer hit me with all these court petitions. I told my lawyer to drag out divorce, because I know how I erred and want to try and reconcile. Her head is in the fog. She has closed up completely. I don't know how she can love me and talk all the time to nothing? Is there an answer? How do you get through when you can't communicate? We'll in Iowa once one spouse files the other spouse can have the judge force her into joint marriage counseling before decree is entered. Problem is divorce will be final at end of December or late January, depending if I drag it out. Is it worth the money to force her? There are so many things I want to say before it's over. I had a lot of hope, because sh's always been sensible, but this woman I don't even know now! Any input is appreciated.

No, no, a thousand times NO!!!!

I've read several of your posts and you need to calm down and back off. Forcing her into counseling is manupiulative and will only make matters worse. Give her some time to live with her decision. Get a good lawyer if you haven't already, make sure he/she knows you do not want this D and allow them to slow the D down by whatever means they can. Use this time to get control of your emotions and make whatever changes necessary.

My W told me 18 months ago she wanted a D. She filed a year ago. We've been separated a few months, have gone through custody mediation and I am now in plan B, but we are not divorced yet.
Although it appears it is going to happen anyway, she sure is dragging her feet on it, so who knows how it will unfold.

My point is slow down, get control of yourself and be patient. You may wind up divorced anyway, but don't give your W any more reasons to follow through with it. I'm going to be brutally honest with you. From the posts I've read, you seem needy and desperate. Do you think that's the kind of person your W would want to come back to???

sad dad

Your right I do seem needy, but I love her and miss her and it is hard on me and everyone. Our priest is going to talk to her in a couple of weeks. In the meantime I can't talk to her or see her (she got on a power trip with her attorney getting a restarining order). And your right I shouldn't even want to communicate right now. I was saying should I force counseling when it gets to the very end? Or let her go. I just feel this marriage is going to end without her hearing my side! Does this "fog" ever clear or will it clear AFTER the divorce is final. She's also starting to have her lawyer do different petitions---do I take it or fight it. On one hand I want to be passive not to damage it anymore and on the other hand I don't want her to push me around. She is also taking advantage of my mom for babysitting so she can go out. Is this right? Does she refuse and let her see what it's like to be single? My mom loves her granddaughter, but she too feels like my wife is giving up too soon. If this turns around it would be a MIRACLE. I sure hope the priest can reach her soul and discover where my real wife is.
Alan

Alan,

forcing someone into counseling never does any good. Yes, you may force them into a room, but ulimately it is their decision to open up, which is highly unlikely when they are forced.

I hope you are doing a good PlanA, you need to Plan A to the max, absolutely no LB's which means not forcing her to do anything.

you sound like you are a religious person, I am glad to hear that, pray like crazy, its the only thing that has kept me sane.

an excellent website for you is:
www.restoreministries.net

there are some books there that you can read from the male point of view.

good luck

<small>[ October 05, 2002, 12:13 AM: Message edited by: going_crazy ]</small>

When H and I were separated, he specifically requested that he get the first chance to babysit the boys if I was going out. It was something that I agreed on, b/c as much as part of me wanted to keep him away from them, I also knew that if I did, they would only hate me for it later in life.

Is there a way that YOU can have the first chance at watching over your daughter instead of your mum doing that? It would be a great opportunity to spend more time with dd, and show your W just how trustworthy and committed to your family you are.

Karen

Yes, I probably could. Restraining order keeps me from doing alot (hard to be social when you cant see or talk to) but I also feel part of me saying "get used to the real world"! She thinks it will be easy. Also part of me hates doing it for her (so she can go have fun). Don't get me wrong I love my daughter dearly, but it feels funny being used. Do you think she may see a committed husband & father this way? She knows I'm a good father, she just doesn't think I'm a good husband anymore!

Trying to "force" counseling on your "stubborn" wife!

You sound very controlling. She is scared of you. That is why she's got a restraining order. Has anyone's marriage recovered after a restraining order?!

I guess stubborn is too strong....strong willed (and there is nothing wrong with that). As far as controlling I don't believe that to be the case. My wife is her own person. As far as restraining order......one of the first things lawyers do is tell the spouse to get one because it keeps the other from contacting them. If you cant see or talk to them then it is much easier to go through with divorce. Isn't it? I don't know if our marriage will come back (restraining order or not). She knows how I feel. Before and after the separation. I, like everyone is human. I do make mistakes. Believe me I think about them everyday.