I just found out that since d-day 03-21-02, H has been lying to me. I finally found out that the ow works with him. And now it is driving me crazy. H said he didn't tell me because he was sorry and didn't want to cause me anymore pain. Do I believe him? I want to believe him so badly. H said that he wants to work things out and be a family. Then why continue to lie to me. H knew I would eventually find out.

I have spoken to the ow and she said that she hasn't paged my H. The ow's # comes up in his pager but H said it is one of her friends that is trying to cause probelems between us. Is that a lie???????? I don't know what to do.

Should I go to his work? Should I check for myself what the real truth is? I want to go and confront the ow so badly. But will I be making a fool out of myself?

Please help, I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. 7 months of being lied too.......

Lost,
If someone wanted to ride one of my horses that obviously belong to me, without permission and not on my property-you bet I'd be over there in a heartbeat defending what belongs to me. I would not feel like a fool unless I sat at home and did not do what I could for what belongs to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Strange comparison, but I own alot of horses. He is YOUR husband and it doesn't matter where he works.

If I were in your shoes(I would never tell my husband this-it would perhaps make him overly confidant) I would go to where he works and ask to speak to OW privately and find out her story.I would let her know that you are fully aware of what kind of woman she is and that he is your husband and what does that make her anyways???

And as far as your husband goes-he must stop working with her and change jobs no matter what the cost. Marriage is more important-rightWhat you do is of course up to you but do NOT FEEL ASHAMED OF DEFENDING YOUR MARRIAGE! This is YOUR life and future at stake-she may just be having fun at you and your husband's expense. You will be defending what belongs to you-your husbands devotion.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Post Back!

I'm no soothesayer, but there are too many things here that don't add up.

1. He lied to you about her being a co-worker (that is pretty common, from what I've seen here, BTW)
2. The pager thing sounds pretty suspicious.
3. You can't trust OW to be truthful to you--why should she?

You can go to his office, make a scene or whatever... I don't know how good of a plan that is. You need your H to be truthfully w/ you, bottom line. Right now, he is not. That has to change.

ezrz,

Yes, I do want to go to his job place but I do not want to jepordize his job. I also don't want to lower myself to her standards. I do not want anyone to think that I am crazy which in turn would justify why my H went with the ow in the first place. H said no one at work knows about them. I don't believe that.......

It feels as if it just happened. The thing that is strange is that my H has stated that he really wants to stop fighting. But I am making it very difficult. H said that I make him not want to come home at night because he never knows what to expect. I really really try to not LB and I have been doing a good job. Well up untill Tuesday, but how did he expect me to react. I don't know what I am going to do at this point, I am truly lost again.

Riff,

Truthful......... Right now I would not believe him if he told me the sky was blue. But I am going to ask him again and I am going to tell him that I am going to go by her house and if he is not seeing her anymore then there should be no reason why he would not go with me. There are also a few other things that I am going to ask him to do and if he refuses then I know what I have to do. As hard as it is going to be, I have to tell him to leave.

Only time wil tell.

------------
lost

Lost,

When I first found out about my husbands affairs, he, like most WS, lied up a storm. I kept finding out the facts and challenging him. He’d only admit to what I found out.

Like a mantra I kept repeating to him… .”When a person tells a lie to protect their spouse, they are in the end only lying. And when a person tells a lie it does not protect, it only serves to prove that they are a liar.”

He finally realized that I’d rather know the truth then be ‘protected’ in this manner.

Take a look at cerri’s post on this thread. She knows what she is saying. Pay attention to the part about talking to the OW and exposing the affair.

Tell me, what is more important to you? Your marriage or your husband’s job? The best thing for your marriage would be if he lost that job. Well in MHO anyway.

Don't be afraid of what his co-workers think. Do you think that the average spouse would sit back and ignore the situation. His co-workers would probably be on your side anyways.
Remeber-he's your husband and this is your life. Do what you feel in your heart is in you and your husband's best interest.
I agree that the best thing that could happen is that he lose that job and not be reminded daily of it all.
Ask him if he could allow you to work with the OM if it were reversed. Tell him this is not fair or right. You have been through enough and would like to put it all behind, but working with her doesn't allow this. You are not dead-you have feelings and would like some understanding from him. There is NO CLOSURE IN THE CURRENT SITUATION.
Keep us posted. Good luck.

I absolutely do not agree that you should go to his work and make a scene, despite the temptations you are feeling. Nor do I think you should contact the OW in any way, shape or form.
A lot of people answered my own questions along these lines with that same advice. Here's my take:

1.) It's not up to you to break up the relationship, nor expose the truth. That's up to your husband.
2.) Making a scene will cause a ripple effect throughout your marriage -- job security, finances, his reaction, etc. etc. etc. In the end, you can lose more than you think.
3.) You have to set your boundaries, as you said. As a couple, you need to define the rules of your relationship and the consequences that could come from breaking those rules. That's the discussion that allows you to tell him what you think is acceptable and unacceptable in the relationship regarding the OW. If he agrees, then you simply have to let him do his thing. If he breaks the rules, he knows the consequences.
4.) As Twyla told me, confronting or communicating with the OP sends a signal that you consider the relationship still alive. It keeps it alive. My W works with the OM. The more I demand and react, the more difficult I make it for her to engage me in a positive manner. Instead, letting it simply be so much litter on the road behind me is easier for her and me to deal with. It is the past.
5.) My W said it this way: I can't control her. She can't control me. We can only control ourselves. If we build a marriage strong enough, then the OP is a non-factor, and in fact becomes a kind of sad clown in this farce. A non-factor.
6.)Trust is a huge deposit in the love bank. His reaction -- let's just move on -- is normal. Give him the trust that all he wants to do is have a marriage with you. He realizes his mistake or he wouldn't be home with you. Trust.
Define your rules -- what you will and will not tolerate, and trust him to follow through. If he doesn't, then you know where you stand.

I have to agree with Chorus on this. It will do go good for you to go to his office and cause a scene. All i can tell you is from my experience, I tried to stop the A between my WW and OM, who worked together, and all it did was make her wonder what could have happen with it. Was it the best relationship she ever had? Was the Om her true "soulmate"? It is still coming up 5 months into working on us. The Harley's say that the best way an A stops is to die a natural death, let it! It will probably die as soon as you stop forcing the issue.
I do not believe that your H is telling you the whole truth. Have you both agreed to the policy of radical honesty? Tell him he is not doing you any favors by "protecting" you. Tell him you expect the truth from now on, and trust that he is giving it to you. Good Luck!

Your H has obviously lied to you and as long as he works with the OW there will be the contact and the potential to keep the A alive. I don't think a confrontation at his work will help at all, but I suggest that he start looking for a new job. That is, if he really wants to end contact with OW.

lost:
This could be me talking i just found out !)10/3/02 after being in recovery for 7 months that the OW works with my husband also. He made up some nonexisting woman that i became so obessed with. I think he told me because he knew i was about to find out. Does your H act different since he told you? My H said the lie was relly getting to him and he couldn't completely let go with me with this lie between us. I want to contact OW so much sometimes but from all the advice against it i will fight it. I thought i had threw away all my pride with my H in the beginning but im finding i do have some left and definately not going to let the OW get a clue she is still in my marriage. This is all new to me as well we've been betrayed all over again. My stomach get's nervous at the thought of him being there we do not have a choice at this time about job situation. Im a 41 stay at home mom. Wish this had of happened 10-15 yrs ago. If i worked and had a skill he would done be gone or i would. I have noticed H being more open with me since the truth of him working with OW. They know how much it troubles us that they are there with OW I say we just love them enough that they don't need any of that E/PA stuff. I'll be thinking about you and wishing you to be strong!!!

Hi lost! I haven't seen you on her in a while! (but I haven't posted as much of late as I used 2, either).

I think Chorus hit every point I would have made, and then some, above. Don't confront the OW. You really don't know how she'll react (she might even be dangerous), and you run the very real risk of having your H come 2 her defense! You don't wan that.

what you want is your H 2 be completely honest with you. How do you get that? Well, the same way I'm getting it from my W. Give him your love and trust and security of your family. I know that's very hard 2 do when you know you're being lied 2. I did it, though. It took going 2 plan B for a week, then coming home, 2 realize that it made no difference 2 what I wanted at the end of this knowing that contact continued. But I set that aside, because I needed my W 2 feel secure enough with me 2 be able and willing 2 confide in ME about things that she would otherwise confide in Rat Meat about. Over the past 2 and a half months, things have gotten so good between us that I was able 2 tell her how hurt I was by the continued contact without LBing at all. I did such a good a job at it that she really showed compassion for my hurt and has either cut back on contact considerably or has stopped contact al2gether (it's only been a week and a half so far, so it's 2 early 2 tell). But even that isn't important 2 me. What's important is that I can tell that she is trusting ME more, that she's finally acknowledging that the changes in me aren't just temporary. I've LEARNED something.

It also has helped that Rat Meat has NOT learned anything. He's dating someone new, even though he was just thrown out in May or June. What a fool! I thought about sending him an email telling him that, but decided against it. What I want from him is NC, and the best way for me 2 get that is NOT 2 contact him myself, but 2 give my W every reason (not overtly, but subconsciously) 2 not NEED 2 have contact ever again.

You want your H 2 be honest with you. I think the best way 2 get that is 2 continue 2 NOT LB, show him you love him for who he is, and thus give him every reason 2 confide in you about things that bother him. I think it would certainly be a strong message on his part 2 quit that job and get away from OW completely, but you need 2 let him make that decision for himself. Don't do or say anything that will come across as a demand or make him feel insecure.

all my best,

I certainly never would want you to cause a scene and I don't believe that is what you meant by going to where he works. I have not been in your situation, but I uderstand that you don't like him working with her or trust the situation.
It's tough to be expected to be a lady and also to sit around like a potted plant.
I just feel that you need to take care of your feelings. It certainly was not acceptable behavior for the other woman and your husband to get involved. I don't understand why many of the post's here expect you to do nothing. Maybe I have misunderstood. Maybe I was also misunderstood.

ezra:

Can't speak for the others, or you, but I certainly didn't suggest that lost do nothing. Quite the contrary. I think she should be loving and not LB her H. I don't think she's ready, or even needs 2 go 2 plan B.

The trouble with this lack of communication about contact with OW and that they work 2gether, is that lost doesn't know whether it's harmless or not, because they're not talking about it (until recently, that is). And Mr lost may be afraid 2 tell her the truth because she might LB him if he does (or he's rationalizing that he's not "hurting her" by not telling her). These are the "best" circumstances. I'm sure that we can imagine a lot worse reasons for the lies by omission. I just don't think there's cause for them in lost's case.

Confronting the OP is always a risky proposition, so if it's not necessary, why take the risk of bringing the WS 2 their defense? That's what's kept me from contacting Rat Meat, though I've been very tempted, even recently.

lost im soo sorry... im new here but your story really hurts because i was your husband too once. it took loosing my family to see the damage that lies do. i dont know what your husband is really doing. i also dont want to give the wrong idea. one thing i know is that the simplest answere is usually the truth. i would not believe that a friend was using her phone to page him...

i hope your husband wakes up. the love of your wife and kids is more inportant than i think he truly realizes. for all of your sakes. i pray he wakes up and sees it before your love is gone!!!

TooLong,
Who is rat meat? I don't know your whole story. Here is why I say she should do what SHE feels is right.
When I first married my husband, I had an old boyfriend who I was very attractive Mr. Stud. Our children were friends and he lived near us.
My old boyfriend was hoping that we could still talk occationally. We had always maintained the friendship and I had a soft spot for this guy. I don't know how else to put it but to be a female and look at him-lusteful thoughts were easy to entertain! (VERY SEXY GUY!)
My husband said,"You will not be having coffee, muchless talking to him-period.
I just didn't make that clear enough to the old boyfriend(I was used to talking with him) and so my husband made this clear to him for me. I am so glad that he did, because when we first got married I must say that I still had a little attraction and weakness for this guy . If we had spent time together alone-IT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN GOOD. This guy did not have respect for marriage and I was too weak to set the boundaries (he would have tried to take advantage of any situation anyways.)
Losts' husband is still very vulnerable to this woman. This is normal after an affair. If left to their own devices, they could still be having an affair,. There is nothing weird about sticking up for what is right and it does not matter how many poeple saw or condoned the affair. She is still his wife and the other woman is an adultress.

I am the type of person who faces my fears . This has not happened to me and I can't say that I would definately confront the OW.
If I felt the need to,I would look as sophisticated and confident as possible. I would ask to speak to her privately. I would calmly look her straight in the eyes and state that I have decided to give my marriage the attention it deserved and thank her for filling in for me for awhile. I would smile and turn and walk away.
I don't see anything wrong with approaching it this way. Too many spouses snooze and loose. Is Lost really suppose to be worried about making them more comfortable???
And I don't hear in her post that she has much left to meet his emitional needs with. What about hers? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

ezra:

Rat Meat is my nickname for my W's former OM. Shows the proper respect, I think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

In my case, my W's 2 As with RM happened and "ended" before D-day, so I certainly wasn't in a position 2 stop the A. What I could have risked doing by pushing my W or confronting RM would have been 2 possibly push them 2gether. They'd be defending themselves and each other against my "attack" of his character. I know. I DID attack his character a number of times early on in my "plan A." It never worked the way I wanted it 2. What DID work was 2 NOT let RM have any power over ME or our M and family. When I could truly do that - actually ignore RM and focus on loving my W for who she is, she responded and is loving me back. Even2ally, I was able 2 tell her that continued contact hurts me, and we were able then 2 talk about it in a completely non-LBing way. It was then that I learned that RM is dating someone else now. Even though he's obviously still M'd and has 2 kids, he's dating after only having been separated for 4 months now. That lowers him a bunch of notches in the integrity department in my eyes certainly, but also in my W's. I couldn't have PAID for that kind of support!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I believe we're beginning recovery, and I owe it all 2 unconditional love. The stuff really works.

2long,

I just finished typing my whole response and I erased it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, I have to take my kids bowling. I will reply as soon as I come back from bowling.

lost

2long,

Well I decided not to go and make a scene. I also decided not to dwell on the past. But today I was talking with my H. And he told me that he is not sure if he is in love with the ow. Now what????? How do I compete against the ow if he see's her everyday? Should I give him a ultimatium? Either her or me??? H said we would talk when he came home tonight. H still says that he is trying to work things out between us and H still says he is not seeing ow anymore. But H also said that the only reason he is here is because of the kids. What should I do??????

I am so confused.......

lost

if its not a company pager and I guess even if it is run the pager over with the car and guess what either the company buys him another one or you get to buy him one which you get the new pager number either way and I'd tell H you should not see the OW number again Right?