Okay my dear friends - a new twist here - of my own making....

We have recovered - for sure - we've fallen in love again, we talk openly - in fact recently had one of those lay in bed and talk till the wee hours talks just a few days ago. Brought up his affair and all - all calm, matter of fact - it was all good. My husband is just wonderful.

Okay - well, I'm still a bit obsessed about finding out what has happened to OW- did she in fact marry this guy she was going to marry blah blah blah blah. Through some sleuthing on the internet I found the obit of her Dad. It listed all his children and listed her with her husband's name! How odd is that - her husband has supposedly been dead for three or so years. I found that odd.

So, I log on to chat -crazy I know - to see if she's still "online" etc. I am very intuitive and had some strong urges to do this so... Lo and behold I find her and because she's still connected as a chat buddy I could go directly to where she was. (I've tried to delete her as a chat buddy from my H's profile but for some reason it won't let me). So, I chat with her - as someone else of course. She tells me in this initial conversation that she is married - for 13 years. She was separated tho for three years and was involved with someone else during that time. The conversation ended there - she had to go and I was shaking! She actually told my H that her husband was dead - killed tragically in the line of duty.

So my friends - I'm potentially opening a whole other can of worms here. I really do not want her a part of our lives again but feel I need to tell my H this new information and how I got it. He's always suspected she's lied him about her occupation, but did say he was impressed that once he sent the no contact letter he has not heard a peep from her. I agreed - I felt she was honouring his request, however this new info shows me she was just a big fraud with big problems.

Really, this is of my own making here. Had I just left things, not looked, checked etc she wouldn't have to be discussed anymore.....accccckkkk!!!

Any feedback?

I've gone back to searching for OW stuff too, well after recovery started. What is wrong with us?? LOL. I think it's just that we want to do our damnedest to make certain that our H's won't be bothered by them again.

In my case, I waited a few months before talking to my H about some things (namely, how I had pretended to be him on icq, and chatted with OW#3, and told her that she better get checked out for std's as we had broken out in a bad rash!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> - no such rash ever happened btw. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

There are some things that are better to be held off for a while, and other things that really don't have a right time to tell, period. And then there are other things that must be part of radical honesty. I think this is where your situation falls.

You can start by telling your H how you did something wrong, b/c it was against his knowledge. Remind him of how you two just talked about OW the other night, and let him know what got you on this track. IMO, it's not an excuse to say that you had some female intuition happening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ideally, you should both be able to let it go. Prepare yourself that your H might get upset that you initiated contact with OW (although OW doesn't know it, I know). However, he could just as easily laugh it off, and suggest that the BOTH of you carry on a conversation with OW!!! ROFLMAO!!! (Believe me, it's not too far fetched of an idea. Confession time: my H and I did that with OW#1 early in our recovery. However, a strong word of warning... it becomes an OBSESSION - just like snooping - so be careful).

Okay.... I've said too much, and opened up some of my own cans of worms <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> so I had better stop now before I REALLY admit to too much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

Alberta,
Does the fact that she lied really make any difference to your lives now? You already knew her values were such that getting involved with a married man was ok. Is her lying worse than that?

Do you want to lay to rest any thought of your H's that this woman was "special"? So he has no doubt she was dishonest with him?

I'm not sure there is anything to be gained, afterall, she could be lying now, just in a different way than she did then, or maybe there was an even earlier H who did die.

I tend to think telling your H what you found would refresh her presence/memory in your marriage, and in recovery, I know I don't want the FOW as a usual topic.

Of course, my H still works with the FOW, so this isn't an issue I'd be faced with.

I'm not sure I'd bother. What would you gain? The satisfaction of telling your H that the OW is a liar??

You've admitted that recovery is going well, that both of you are happy and you've both learned alot since d-day. I just don't think this is very productive. If your H was still curious about her, he could have easily done what you have. He hasn't, has he? My advice, let it go. She isn't a part of your M and she doesn't matter.

I guess I'm torn because witholding this information and my actions is less than radical honesty but by the same token, the information isn't going to help US in our relationship - it may even upset my husband.

Still ruminating....

Here's a link to Dr.Harley's suggestion on Radical Honesty:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

My interpretation is that you SHOULD talk to your H about this information, and how you got about getting it. Remember... withholding something from your H could lay the foundation of a wall being built up between you two. You've already been that route (as we all have), and it wasn't a fun journey, was it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Besides, it's not like this event happened years ago. So in that respect, you're not 'opening up a can o' worms'. You're simply telling your H of current events.

Karen

<small>[ October 05, 2002, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: Topie25 ]</small>

Alberta,

Well there are always a variety of ways to view this sitx. So here's another.....

You don't tell him and take it to your grave. (possible).

Another possiblity...... you don't tell him, have surgery and shoot your mouth off while 'under the influence'..... heck you could do that even without surgery (mind you this can happen - ditto - me - about a fiance' not OW but they happen to hvae the same name - YUCK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

#3. Tell him and take the risk of making him think of OW with unfair consquences.

#4. Tell him and he says.... so what, I knew that!

Hard to decide? Well it is up to H's reaction. What do you normally do to check his reaction on any other subject?

Just exploring the unknown..... going where no BS has gone before! Or have we????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Thanks guys! My gut tells me my H wouldn't be surprised at the lies but I'm sure it would be upsetting to hear about it.
Thanks for the reminders of radical honesty - re-reading all of that stuff.
I just had to punish my 6 year old son for lying....am I lying my omission if I don't tell my H?
Alberta,
banging her head on the desk saying "why didn't I just leave things alone??" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Well, thanks so much for the advice. I certainly struggled with this one. Last night, I spilled the beans...H and I were in bed, we were talking/joking about something and he said, do you know something I don't? Well, it was unrelated, but I HAD to come clean.
He was GREAT! He actually laughed about it but did say he felt even "dumber" about it all and I assured him that wasn't my intent and that part of my struggle was how this info would benefit him. So, he's kind and loving and just the best although I do know he was checking on the internet regarding US Coast Guard. (She maintained that her H was killed in a helicopter crash during a rescue). So, I think he may do some digging for his own peace of mind, and I'll just ask him to include me. I certainly don't want this to become an obsession for either of us.

Thanks all for your help. Radical Honesty - it's a tough one!!
hugs
Alberta

<small>[ October 08, 2002, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: Alberta ]</small>

Thanks for the update! I'm so happy that your H took the 'news' in the way he did! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Betcha his reaction built up some mega love and trust units for you too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Karen