I want to apologize to those who caught the focus of my post. I did it for attention. I apologize to my wife. It was wrong. Going through this I do have bouts of depression. Some days worse than others. I am taking zoloft and it does help. I know I'll snap out of this but it is a very stressful time, especially with trying to run my business, take care of my kids, having court issues (divorce) and still loving my wife! Oh yea, and take 2 college courses and go to therapy! I don't wish this on anyone. I just have to believe it will be all right in the end??!!

<small>[ October 06, 2002, 05:46 PM: Message edited by: AlanArthur ]</small>

Dear AlanArthur,
I haven't read your other posts, sorry - but this post grabbed my attention - SUICIDE is NOT the answer, especially if you have children. Please, if you are having these thoughts, get help.

My SIL committed suicide in Nov last year - and my 19 yr old cousin committed suicide many years ago - the legacy of pain left behind is FAR greater than anything else you could ever do to those you love. If you really love your child, you will NOT do this to him/her. You will get help and get on anti-depressents.

I suffered from post natal depression twice - after the second time, I had these thoughts - a woman with PND is not a pretty sight to her family, and does things to her children she hates herself for - so I honestly felt my children would be better off without me. I had these thoughts and as I lay in bed one morning, I remembered the legacy my cousin left behind him, and I knew that would be the WORST thing I could do to them. I decided that no matter what I did to hurt them, that when they grew up, I would be there to face the music. I would be there to answer their questions "why?" no matter how painful those questions might be, or no matter what they felt about me.

And that's the bottom line. Suicide is the ultimate way of shirking responsibility, and saying "my pain is more important than yours". Suicide is the person who is feeling bad going out the door and slamming it behind him, with NO prospect of ever making up. Suicide is the most vindictive way to punish someone you are mad at. Suicide is confused.

You need help - please, please, please discuss this with your counselor if you have one.

LIR

Your post caught my attention! Please get help!

I, like the other person who responded, have seen first hand the devastation of suicide in a family. It only causes immeasurable pain and questions to the survivors. You have a child, a child who needs YOU-- and that is what you must never forget when you start contemplating ending your life. First and foremost, please get help. If you feel badly enough to even type such a topic title, and express those feelings here--then you need serious, immediate guidance from professionals.

I understand your pain, and I think many of us WS's have felt that way in the flash of a moment. I can't believe the devastation I caused to my family, and I so want to turn back the hands of time. But we can't! Please , Alan, get some professional help with this.

Hopeful

I am being honest.......I am on Zoloft, but still feel bad. I miss my family. Wife is not willing to go to counseling. Hard to belieive 3 months ago she said she loved me. Now she sits alone late night, with my daughter asking "when is daddy coming home?" Is there hope??????? Only time will tell.

<small>[ October 06, 2002, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: AlanArthur ]</small>

Sorry, I just want to bring attention to my pain. I went out with friends tonight drinking and I am feeling low. I see all these people with their spouses and girlfriends and I miss my family. When I see two people kiss I think of her. I'm sure I won't stoop to this level. I keep thinking of my two daughters. I also have a good counselor.

Alan,

I know your pain, I honestly do. I don't condemn you for these thoughts as they are a normal part of all this I believe. I agree with everyone else...your girls would be the ones to suffer for the rest of their lives. I cannot imagine the pain that would befall those left behind. But I do understand the pain you must be feeling to have posted this.

One suggestion I will make. Well actually two.

I suggest that you remove the phone number from your post. I know what your intent was with posting it to the forum. But your wife could view it as something altogether different than you meant. She will hold it against you if she starts recieving phone calls from posters here. She may even feel you have endangered her well being. Everyone here knows you had pure intentions. I suggest she may not see it like that.

The second suggestion is that you stay away from any and all forms of alcohol. Trust me when I tell you that drinking will not help your situation. And, if you are taking meds(zoloft)it will make things worse. Please think about this.

Alan, no matter what happens in your marriage, you have reason to live. It is your responsibility to live and make your childrens lives the best you can. Even if you can't see that right now. This is more important than whether or not the marriage survives. Stay the course Alan.

Praying for you man.

jd

Alan,

A couple of questions...

1. How long have you been on the Zoloft? It takes a little while for SSRI's to really "kick in", sometimes 4-6 weeks. Also, the dosage can often be adjusted (by a physician, obviously)... I know with Prozac, dosages can range from 20-100 mgs - quite a difference! Give the meds a chance, maybe there's a better one out there for you... But believe me, they WILL or at least SHOULD make a difference in your attitude and outlook... You won't be thinking suicide if they're doing what they should for you.

2. How long has the situation been in progress? Sad to say, but patience is important... Believe me: we ALL would love to resolve our own situations immediately... but we can't, so we learn to deal with things... it's a process, not an event. But there's millions of us out here, and we do get to a better place - one way or another... okay? Believe me on that one.

I know you're in pain, and yes...everyone thinks about it when they're in the depths of depression. But no, it's never ever the answer. All it does is end the pain for you...for those you leave behind it increases the pain.

I lost both my parents to suicide. My mom when I was 4.5 and my dad 8 years ago. I can barely think back on "good times" because I can't stand the pain it brings forth just having them in my thoughts. Think about that...if you want to be forgotten by all...suicide will do that. When I do think about my dad I get very very angry. My father was an intelligent man who just stubornly refused to get help. He decided he was unhelpable and he decided he couldn't live in pain...so he decided I didn't need a dad any more. Well...F*&K him and his decision. I think it was a poor one.

I've gone through some helaciously painful times over these last 10 years... Infertility, the fear of adoption, surviving a tornado and the rebuilding, and all the rollercoaster of emotions that an A and near divorce brings. There were times I hurt so deeply that I came to understand WHY my dad killed himself...but my head kept telling me that in time the pain WOULD END. And it did. I'd say I had the dull ache of depression for probably 2 years...but it's gone now and I haven't even felt a peep for the past year.

Take care of yourself even when you don't want to, keep going even when you don't want to, and just believe that the day will come when you will get past this.

<small>[ October 06, 2002, 04:57 PM: Message edited by: AlanArthur ]</small>

<small>[ October 06, 2002, 04:58 PM: Message edited by: AlanArthur ]</small>

Alan,

To the right of your name on the post with the phone number is a picture (icon) of a pencil and paper - click on it. It will bring you to the page that looks like the page you see when you post - except your words from the post will be there. Erase the number and these posts. Change the topic of this thread on your first post and then we'll talk ok? Do this now.

E