We had a difficult time during the A. My WH kept bringing her up, and I got upset. I thought he was recovering from an EA and too nice just to hang up the phone as she chased him.

Wrong.

On May 4, I learned that there had been a PA since 9/11. Now I wonder if the A is over. Did he decide he wanted to be with me, or did he decide he wanted to lie better? I have gained about 20 pounds since July. I look at him, wondering if he is lying just like I used to last year.

This is getting us nowhere, of course. I keep thinking my actions depend on his. If he is continuing to be unfaithful, then we need to D. If not, then I should give him another chance. The problem is: I don't know and don't trust that he is telling me the truth.

Has anyone found a way to be confident that the A is actually over?

I read your posting and just felt compelled to respond. My heart goes out to you, for the pain you've been in.

I don't know how you can tell if it's over for sure, I've never been the BS--I was the WS. All I can say is that in time the A will most likely blow over. It took years in my case, but it did. The A is truly like a sick addiction for the participants, and I didn't see that until it was far too late- I was already close to divorce. (Now I am divorced) Please fight to save your marriage. Divorce is not the answer, in many cases.

I think that this site offers wonderful insights, and unlike me--you're in the beginning (relatively speaking--my A was almost four years long--EA, then PA) of the whole thing. My thoughts will be with you. I am sure that others here can offer greater insights, but I wanted to you know I am sorry for your pain and struggles.

Hopeful

weary,

There are several ways to tell if the A is really over and the first would be through their demeanor. Are they open and honest about the A? If they are still closed off and tight lipped it is not a good sign. Other ways to tell would be through good investigative work, such as computer spyware, phone tapping, looking at cell phone bills, private investigators, etc.

One of the things that was most effective in restoring trust in my marriage was the use of computer spyware. I could see with my own eyes that the affair was over and didn't have to worry about it anymore. It helped enormously in rebuilding the trust in my marriage.

His demeanor is one of openess, and yet I have learned that he has lied to me a couple of times. Minor things, that's all, nothing so bad as contact with OW.

He only had contact with OW while at work. I cannot spy on the e-mail at work. He actually used an instant messaging system rather than e-mail to be safe. I feel bad that I could have spied on him at work and caught him. I just did not think he had it in him to have an A. I thought he was recovering from an EA, not having a PA. As a result, I did not check up on him.

Now I don't know what to do. The therapist says that he'll hang himself eventually if he does continue contact, and I need to work on myself, making myself a better wife. I feel awfully weary of the whole thing. Four kids, and the youngest was only 6 months old when the PA started. I even suggested we name the baby after OW as a way to signal I was uncomfortable with the relationship (that was a subtle hint; there were more forceful ones as well.)

Has anyone just decided to trust and let things pan out as they do?