Well the weekend visit is over. PHEW. Everything went well. NO LB's at all. H invited me for dinner, the last night he was here, but not to the movies. I bought new clothes and think I looked good. He did not comment, but, his Mom mentioned how he had gained weight. He told her by osmosis, it had come off me and gone on to him. SIL told me this. No breakthroughs, no discussions.

He did get some AWFUL news about work on his way here. This ALWAYS seems to happen on his way home. Maybe someone is trying to tell him something. This is bad too, he could lose his job or worse, he is being sued.This is scary it could affect all of us financially.

He did spend more time here at home than I thought he would, I hope he felt comfortable, it was very hard not to wrap my arms around him and tell him to let me help things get better. I got NO indication of what is going on with OW, I actually am beginning to wonder if this is a EA for him and mostly one-sided (HIS). Is it possible he would give up all for that?

I also had a weird experience that hasn't happened before. I was driving home from the mall, before meeting him and kids for dinner, and suddenly had a moment of TOTAL CLARITY, all I want is my family back. No tears, no saddness just the realization that this is ALL I want. I WANT MY FAMILY BACK WHOLE. Why can't he have that feeling. I am beginning to wonder if he will ever again, I am still going to plan A, since our situation is pretty much a plan b, forced separation.

It was so sad to have him here hugging the kids goodbye and telling them he loves them, and me, nothing. I am confused now too. I don't know what in the heck is going on with him. He seems to really be okay with the D and the way things are going. Things he said made me think that OW is not living with him and that he might not be WITH her too much. What is going on????? He said he had not been out to dinner since my kids visited 2 months ago. You can't tell me he wouldn't take her out. I KNOW HIM. HE WOULD. D said maybe he was just saying that. I am scared though. Maybe his wanting a D has nothing to do with her. He has said that before, if this is true, any suggestions????? I guess plan A. But, if there is no A it puts a TOTALLY DIFFERENT spin on the WHOLE thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Did anyone else have this happen??

Thanks so much I am so glad I found this place, it has helped me soooo much.

Sharon

<small>[ October 06, 2002, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: uteconf footballwidow ]</small>

Originally posted by uteconf footballwidow:
<strong>Well the weekend visit is over. PHEW. Everything went well. NO LB's at all. </strong>

L: Good. Pat yourself on the back. Many a BS would have ripped his head off..... oops, I mean me?!?!? LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<strong> He did get some AWFUL news about work on his way here. This ALWAYS seems to happen on his way home. Maybe someone is trying to tell him something. This is bad too, he could lose his job or worse, he is being sued.This is scary it could affect all of us financially.</strong>

L: That is sad to hear but make sure he doesn't try to put pressure on you regarding this. Now either D him now while he still has income or wait until he is off and has another job. In my state D while on unemployment may reduce the amount of child support or alimony. Use this info wisely. Check out your options with your lawyer. Act as if you are getting the D, don't tell the lawyer maybe, they might not be willing to help you as much. Let them know you want to explore your options and be ready to use their valuable service.
Sweet talk them a bit so they will let you really know what you might face.

qb]He did spend more time here at home than I thought he would, I hope he felt comfortable, it was very hard not to wrap my arms around him and tell him to let me help things get better.[/qb]

L: Good that he spent time. He may choose to recall that time as better than what he currently has. That fantasy world maybe starting to disappear. Can't spend funny money!!!

I understand you just want to reach out and make everything better. Sharon, right now you can't. If you try to do so, you are setting yourself up to be hurt. That also is a fantasy land feature. Don't fall for that mirage.

<strong>I got NO indication of what is going on with OW, I actually am beginning to wonder if this is a EN for him and mostly one-sided (HIS). Is it possible he would give up all for that?

L: So no news is good news? Weel maybe but I am sure you want validation..... As hard as it is, don't spend time wondering about this stuff right now. Is it not a possibility that he gave up his family, it is just a matter of what is the real reason why he gave up his family..... at this point you don't have that reason yet but you will find out, just not yet. So don't chase that elusive A question.

[qb]I was driving home from the mall, before meeting him and kids for dinner, and suddenly had a moment of TOTAL CLARITY, all I want is my family back. No tears, no saddness just the realization that this is ALL I want. I WANT MY FAMILY BACK WHOLE.</strong>

L: Ok, good. This is a 'boundary moment'. When that one hit me, I told the WS that all I wanted was my family back...... well I had my son with me so 2/3s was here in tact but that 1/3 missing person was messing up our lives. So I told him that I wanted him to go find the real H and bring him back. I told him that I wanted to tell my real H that I loved him, then give him 1 final hug and kiss goodbye becaue then I was never going to see him again. RE: The raging maniac of the WS was too painful for me to bear and if my H was not going to fight to come back, I was going to give what was left of him to the OW. All of it tho' lock stock and bills (LOL!!).

<strong> Why can't he have that feeling. I am beginning to wonder if he will ever again,.....

It was so sad to have him here hugging the kids goodbye and telling them he loves them, and me, nothing. I am confused now too.</strong>

L: WHY? Because he is in the fog and stupid. That is why you need to let others meet his need. True plan B. No more being nice. He has been disrespectful and you need to show you are not to be treated as such.

<strong> I don't know what in the heck is going on with him. He seems to really be okay with the D and the way things are going. Things he said made me think that OW is not living with him and that he might not be WITH her too much. What is going on????? He said he had not been out to dinner since my kids visited 2 months ago. You can't tell me he wouldn't take her out. I KNOW HIM. HE WOULD. D said maybe he was just saying that. I am scared though. Maybe his wanting a D has nothing to do with her. He has said that before, if this is true, any suggestions?????</strong>

L: Whatever he has been doing is his business. He wants to eat out of a can for months on end, that is his business. He is not living at home so his health and habits can not be your concern. If it is, it will hurt you but he won't be worried or care as you are so your worry over him will utlmately hurt your family since there will not be anyone to help you when you collasp. Very harsh words here Sharon but you have to hear it so that you don't get to that state. ok????

His wanting the D has nothing to do with her??? ok, let's go with that illogic logic..... if so, then him giving you all you ask for is no problem. Start figuring out what you want from him, if he is not willing to give all back. Trust me that line is an old WS line of crap. I had it thrown at me tooo. Some crazy notion that they are protecting the OW (could be that the OW is pressuring him to act as her 'defender'). In my case the OW claimed that I was going to harm her. Stupid woman, I don't harm if I was going to do something I would make sure it was permanent. My H knows I don't threaten so I didn't threaten. When she used that line of crap on him and he tried to protect her, I just told him, ok..... then just give me all you owe and what you will owe and we'll call it quits. Of course you it will include things the WS doesn't like but so what? I certainly wasn't doing what I wanted.

Bottom line, he is feeding you a line of crap. Don't react to it. Just look at him with a big ? look or let him know he is babbling and to talk when he can speak clearly.

<strong>I guess plan A. But, if there is no A it puts a TOTALLY DIFFERENT spin on the WHOLE thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Did anyone else have this happen?? </strong>

L: Do you know the OW or not? When my H tried to tell me that line, I looked at him and said 'well this certainly doesn't make you look any better. In fact, it makes you look more stupid.' Either way he looked stupid. So now what? You should have seen his face. He looked puzzled when I said that..... one of my first babbling lines..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<strong>Thanks so much I am so glad I found this place, it has helped me soooo much. </strong>

L: Me too.

take care,
L.

Congratulations, sounds like it went well.. I am sure your husband is going to be totally confused now, that can be a good thing.

Yes,
I think he is confused. I was at his folks visiting today. Got a little info. Guess he was very kind to his parents. NOT USUAL. Thanked them for all the help they had given him and told them he wished he could help them. Stayed for 2 hrs. REALLY NOT USUAL. My SIL (oldest D husband) said WH mentioned that he had sure made some bad decisions and that they seemed to be coming back to bite him in the butt. Also my MIL mentioned to him that she thought I was too thin, H said he thought I looked great.

It is weird but I am completely emotionally and physically drained today. I feel awful. Worse than I have felt in weeks. I am going to let the D happen. I am worried financially. There are just a few disagreements and IF we can get those taken care of I'm getting it done.

Orchid, you proposed plan B. Why????

G_C thanks for your help. I think he is confused. My OD thought it was strange that I got all dolled up for him. I said "Would it be better if he had seen me as a haggy puddle of pity." The LAST thing I want from him is pity. I don't want him to think for ONE SECOND that I am ruined by his decisions I want him to think I am JUST FINE without him. I really think I am better off than FANTASY MAN. My IL's and kids all thought H looked bad and old. I feel young and great, except today.

I could tell he REALLY misses the kids. He is right about one thing his stupid decisions are coming back to haunt him. One of the reasons he left his job and moved so far away was OW. And the Fantasy wonderful business they were going to start. And his leaving percipitated the lawsuit. It is a mess. He is ROYALLY SCREWING UP his whole life. It is kind of hard to sit back and watch him self-destruct. I HAVE to LET GO though. If he choses this misery I will not go down with him. I will help him crawl back to the top IF he comes around. I am sure that OW will be beating a hasty retreat when this all comes to light. I don't think she cares enough for the thick and thin type of relationship. BELIEVE ME my H has the habit and talent for making thick THICK and thin THIN. I am really open to any suggestions things feel a little scary right now.

Thanks

Sharon

I think I have an idea about what went on this weekend. I took a long walk to think about it. I think the shock of what my H found out made it into an 'ENABLE ME' weekend.

In past weekends home I have shown to be wanting to reconnect, physically and emotionally. Not this weekend, and have always written a letter after the weekend expressing my wishes to get back together. He spent alot of the weekend dropping hints on how bad things are for him. I think he was wanting to see who would jump in and save him. Sort of a 'Who will help me continue my destrutive behavior' thing.

I have told him many times, not recently, that I would be here for him if he changed his mind, that I would "wait for him". I think he was testing to see if that was still true, or if I had started to move on. If he thought it was safe, good, he still has plenty of time to screw up and still come back to loving arms. Well I think he got the message this weekend I AM MOVING FORWARD, with or without him.

I also think he thought he would be confronted (by parents especially ) and given all sorts of juicy opportunities to justify his behavior. Didn't happen. He is on his own.

What do you guys think? I am just going to let it be. Not write or check up to see if he got home okay, I always do. I think he is finally beginning to see the consequences of his actions and they are not pretty. I am even shocked at the bad turn things are taking for him. I can't help but feel sorry for him and I do want to help him but I CAN'T. I know this is something he is going to have to face.

Thanks again, you have all helped make me strong.

Sharon

Sharon,

U asked why I suggest plan B? I think you answered this question in your post below:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by uteconf footballwidow:
<strong>I think I have an idea about what went on this weekend. I took a long walk to think about it. I think the shock of what my H found out made it into an 'ENABLE ME' weekend.

In past weekends home I have shown to be wanting to reconnect, physically and emotionally. Not this weekend, and have always written a letter after the weekend expressing my wishes to get back together. He spent alot of the weekend dropping hints on how bad things are for him. I think he was wanting to see who would jump in and save him. Sort of a 'Who will help me continue my destrutive behavior' thing.

I have told him many times, not recently, that I would be here for him if he changed his mind, that I would "wait for him". I think he was testing to see if that was still true, or if I had started to move on. If he thought it was safe, good, he still has plenty of time to screw up and still come back to loving arms. Well I think he got the message this weekend I AM MOVING FORWARD, with or without him.

I also think he thought he would be confronted (by parents especially ) and given all sorts of juicy opportunities to justify his behavior. Didn't happen. He is on his own.

What do you guys think? I am just going to let it be. Not write or check up to see if he got home okay, I always do. I think he is finally beginning to see the consequences of his actions and they are not pretty. I am even shocked at the bad turn things are taking for him. I can't help but feel sorry for him and I do want to help him but I CAN'T. I know this is something he is going to have to face.

Thanks again, you have all helped make me strong.

Sharon</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See you are not the safety net for this M. You were, do you want that job permanently? Then who will be the safety net for Sharon? Are you not to have life just so you can be at his beck and call? Well if the answer is NO and he is expecting you to do so, then plan B is a must. Why? Because the other option will wear you out. Plan B is not about saving him or the A. Right now those 2 are synonomous (sp?) . So any help given to the WS can be construed as 'enabling the A'. If you don't want that reputation, then don't send that message.

Of course, I must say these are just my own thoughts. There are many ways to look at this and many options to choose from. I personally like to deal with a problem, just once. So once I finally found my footing, I saw the value (not the fear) of plan B and actually felt safer in B than A.

Then again, you don't have to deal with a PBR (psyco babble rabbit OW). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

You're doing a great plan A!

I'm musing now, but I think you can move ahead with the divorce and still be in Plan A. An approach like "I love you and I'll miss our marriage, but you've made it clear to me, after moving in with another woman 1000 miles away, that my feelings are onesided. So it seems like divorce is what you want and I respect your feelings." something along those lines....
you have to throw in very subtle hints that nothing's a done deal. "two people can decide to create whatever they want to...."

God, I can't believe this R with OW has ANY chance of working out. NO WAY! If your husband stops meeting her EN's she is GONE! She is looking for a sugar daddy, and how long can he keep up the sweetness routine?

Hi Orchid and Espoir,
Yes I see what you mean. I think WH wants a safety net. I have ALWAYS been there for him to forgive and forget and help him through. This isn't the worst jam he has ever been in. But this time he screwed the one person who always stands by him. So I can see, Orchid, your point. I am tired. I need to move forward. I have alot of things to take care of right now, and I can't do those things and worry about the cr** he has dumped on HIMSELF.

Espoir, I agree I can't see this R with OW working out either but, stranger things have happened. I still have hopes, but hopes don't float the boat. I am going to move ahead with the D. If he gets sued I want to be separate from him. I don't want to lose my home and everything.
After thinking about this weekend I also KNOW that I am not just dealing with the A anymore. It is a MLC too. Which I guess is not unusual, but I don't know if I am willing to wait that long. I read up to 5 yrs, for the MLC to turn around. I am starting to get happy again and enjoying life again. If H wants a part of that, I'm still willing, I love him, but, I won't wait forever. One-sided love stinks. I can't believe what a fool he is. It is VERY HARD to let go. I don't want too, but, it is all I can do. He has not ONCE since deciding he wanted the D given me one shred of hope and hardly any before that, it was always "You'll probably get bad news, I don't think it will work" Classic Babble.

I am sure OW isn't hearing about all this stuff, she gets his best side, I get his ****. Sorry I am not a swearing person but it's about all that fits. If he marries this girl I know he will hide all this stuff from her till he feels he can let his guard down. He is a conflict avoider and likes to make himself look good to others. It is going to be messy. And in the off chance he is telling her everything, she's got to be thinking "What am I getting into?" she is young, smart, educated, she is not some needy loser. She doesn't need this.

So anyway, I am going to go dark on H for a few days (maybe longer, give me strength ORCHID) and give him time to see the hole he has dug for himself. I am not afraid of plan B. But I guess I just feel bad about not communicating with him about the kids at least. I know everyone says "DONT MESS WITH A & B" do them exactly. In plan B ORCHID did you completely shut off? I don't know if you went to Plan B Espoir. In fact I don't think I know your story, time for some research. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Just know you know your stuff. Unfortunately experience is a GREAT teacher.

Well guess I'll get my S off to school. This place has become my second home. You all help so much. I would be a complete basket case right now if I hadn't found MB. In the months since I did I can't believe the progress I have made. From JELLO WOMAN to ? well I can't think of anything that is harder than jello but not quite hard. Pudding? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Love you all,
Sharon

BTW,
I'm kind of new to this computer thing. How do you put a quote in your reply?

Hi Ute, glad you had a fairly good weekend with WH. You handled yourself good. I know what you mean about when WH is telling the kids he loves them, it really hurts. WH was doing that a couple of days ago, playing with them, telling them he loves them, and me standing right there, i could feel my heart breaking, that he couldnt tell me too. Its been pretty quiet here all weekend, H was sick with cold. Havent gone ahead with any of my plans, i think i am getting cold feet. I am so scared if i go through with everything, he will go and never come back. I now have him here, but i know this is all wrong. Harleys say Plan B is Risky. I dont want him to go, but i cant go on like this. This sounds totally pathetic , but i feel like i am gonna be the bad guy, when this all comes to a head. Oh no here i go again ranting on and on.

You know i am not much help, but it sounds like you did a great job with your H on the weekend. Hope it gives him a lot to think about. When does the D actually go through? When will you see him again? You know i really feel sorry for our children, they dont deserve this, my D will just flip when she finds all this out. I wouldnt be surpised if she knifes him in his sleep. My
S will be taken by this, he is always been practically a perfect child, good in every way, i shutter to think how this will affect him.

Anyway, sorry to hear your a little despressed today, guess its just one day at a time for us..God Bless, Sharon.....A/C0810

A/C
Come talk to me anytime. I am always so glad to hear from you. For some reason I feel a real connection with you. I am sorry your H is treating you so badly. I am almost glad my H has been gone all this time. I don't think I could be as strong as you. I think I would have LBed my H right out of the marriage by now. I don't know when the D will be final probably around the first of the year, maybe even Xmas time. Merry Christmas everyone!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyway A/C don't give up hope. But I think you should start thinking about letting go. Your H can't continue to treat you this way. I have read your post and I think you are getting good advice. I wish I had some for you. I do know that being away from my H has made it easier to see that I CAN have a life of my own. I was TOTALLY dependent on him for EVERYTHING. I think you feel this way also. You can't see any way that you will ever be happy again. I felt like that. But, it isn't true. It is one step at a time but you will get there. You are something to treasure. You are WORTHY of someone who LOVES YOU, and TREATS you like you are a PERSON. You can Plan A but FEEL that. You H needs to know that. You are not SECOND PLACE. Your kids are not SECOND PLACE your H needs to know that you are the PRIZE, 1st place, he is settling for 2nd if he choses OW. Get that attitude. You don't have to be mean or say anything just let it show. Be proud of yourself, take care you YOU. Get the attitude of "You fool look what you are giving up!!"" like I said you don't have to say anything, just feel it.

Well gotta go to work see ya later
'
Sharon

Sharon,
I'm glad the weekend went as well as it did.

Your H is facing the natural consequences of his actions. Moving so far away has probably made it easier for him to ignore that your life, your kids' lives go on without him.

I think going dark on him for awhile is fine. I don't know that in your situation you really have to decide between Plan A & B. You can Plan A when he contacts you, but you don't have to contact him. Not initiating conversation/communication during separation isn't on the lovebuster list. Unless you feel a horrible lovebank drain everytime you talk to him, I'm not sure what Plan B would change?

But then, I did Plan A a long time and tend to think of Plan B as to be saved for the moment before the lovebank runs dry. I also found Plan B to be very difficult with kids, communicating about them seemed to me to be a higher priority than my unhappiness in talking to my H. H & I also didn't have relatives anywhere nearby and I didn't want to impose on my friends. So, when it comes to a workable Plan B, my experience wasn't very good.

However, I did get better at setting boundaries and my acting "as if" divorced also made my H realize that I was going on with my life, well, that and I served the D papers and intended to move on with my life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Hi Lor,
Yes I think in my situation Plan B would be sort of redundant. We haven't lived together for 9 months, and he was gone for most of the 2 months proceeding moving out. Plus I have pretty much
told him what would be I guess a Plan B letter
and I am not about to tell him I am still waiting, I think that is the last thing on earth I would want to do. When I think about it he has been pretty much "gone" for 2 yrs. I think going dark is what I need to do. I am having raging emotions right now. I had that 'moment of clarity' this weekend where all I wanted was my family back. Well that sure faded. I started thinking about all the stupid desicions he has made and the fact that he has not given me one shread of hope for months, always saying I would probably get bad news right from the start. I think I am ready to move on. I would still like to save my M but, it seems too far away. Almost impossible. There are too many obstacles to overcome. The job, the move, the OW, the MLC, the everything, the fact that he doesn't think it will ever work out, and how do I show my changes or Plan A with him 1000 miles away. I have changed. I feel it. It has done me good. But, it has NO EFFECT. 48 Hrs. every 3 or 4 months will not make a marriage, and he is talking about not moving back, maybe closer, but not back, in maybe 1 1/2 or 2 yrs. GEEZ!!!!!! I need a life, I am too old to put my life on hold till he gets his stuff together. I am not afraid of new relationships. I WANT one. I told you my emotions are raging. I am overcoming the fears that made it impossible for me to see a life without my H. Good or bad that is what living alone for 9 months will do to you. And he is living alone too. He probably likes it. He doesn't have to deal with his sick parents, his kids, life at home.

Oh that reminds me, I am rambling but I don't care. This weekend when he was leaving the house he hugged all the kids, told them he loved them then started to leave. Then he stops, gets this "I am about to impart great wisdom" serious look on his face and says to my 21 yr. old D "Don't do anything I wouldn't do, life is tough out there" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Can you believe that? Me an D looked at each other and said " what was that all about" What HASN'T he done. I told her I guess she could do whatever she wants. Little backround. Right in the midst of all this cr** in May, she decided she wanted to get married, AT THE END OF MAY, we threw together a wedding, no shes not preg. We tried to talk her out of it. H was really against it. Well she KNEW this was what she wanted. She got her divorce papers last week. Anyway, I guess his comment had SOMETHING to do with that, I don't see the "WISDOM" though.

Anyway enough rambling and venting. If you have any ideas let me know. Thanks

Sharon

Sharon,

I see you gamit of emotions but it is not unusual. So you have to stay in line like the rest of us. LOL !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Let me see if I can hail down Redhat.... he has a thread in his sig line about the 5 stages of grieving. When I was running the gamit of emotions 2 very good MBers on the d/d site pulled me through. Both wrote of the stages the BS goes through similar to grieving the loss of a loved one. It is not a long thread but I found it helpful. Anyway, it helped me see I was actually on the right track. I was NOT losing my mind and that going from angry to frustrated to settled and back again was not insane. However I also needed to know that the acceptance stage was where I was going to benefit from the most. Then I made it a personal goal to get there.

Now while knowledge is good, one's heart must be emotionally ready for acceptance. Not enableing the A but acceptance that the BS is ready to move forward. That got me ready for plan B. I do not regret going to plan B. A lot of crazy things happened as a result but I don't regret it (not even the laundry bag incident - that one will make you laugh hysterically but it did happen - LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

Now in the interim, breathe deep. Helps calm you down. Don't hyperventilate!!! Just calming deep cleansing breathes.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. It does work.

Sharon, you will be fine. It is a bit rough for you right now but you are getting better. However the WS may not be getting better but don't let that stop your progress. He will need to catch up on his own. You though, you keep moving forward.

Hugz,
L.

Thanks Orchid,
You are a good friend. I am dreading the day when
you write and say "Yes girl, You ARE CRAZY!!!"
I really hate this. I am glad you are here. Even though I think you might be starting to think I'm a pain in the ole a**. I am glad I am not nuts. I did read the post on greiving but guess I'll have to check it out again.

You will have to tell me the laundry story. I loved your motorcylce story.

Orchid I am really starting to see the D as the next step and I'm starting to want it more and more. You have pretty much been around here and I think you have read most of my posts. I know this is a question you can't really answer but I'm going to ask anyway. "Do you think there is a chance here?" I know, dumb question. I just can't see it anymore. To me it's almost gone. Am I not seeing something? You have probably seen many come and go, is there anything you notice in the ones who make it?

Sorry I know I am just grasping at straws, maybe my Tylenol PM is kicking in.

Thanks for being a friend,

Sharon

Okay,
I spent most of the night last night thinking about this. I think I am going to go dark for awhile even though I know H is going through a horrible time with this lawsuit and things at work. I also am going to have my lawyer clear up all the little "touchy" spots in our D papers, and make my last offer. It is this or fighting it out which WH says he doesn't want. Then if he wants the D he's got it. I will even waive the waiting period. I know this is giving up, but, I don't get any signs from him. He is nice, When I initiate contact otherwise NOTHING. I am done. I don't think he is coming back. At least not in a time frame I am still comfortable with. He has been less than 1/2 a husband to me for 2yrs now. You have to understand. Our marriage was getting bad, I have been trying for 2 yrs. he shut me and the kids out. He was LBing me BIG TIME for the last year and 1/2, the kids too. They barely miss him. I see him trying a little to make up to the kids and his folks, who he also shut off for years but to me NOTHING. I have always been there for him. He has most always been SELFISH. More the last 2 yrs than ever. Seriously, I was thinking about leaving him when he left. But I was afraid. The D-day made me realize how much I valued what we had and how much I wanted to work things out. But like I said I had been trying to break through to him for 2 yrs. NOTHING. He built a wall so high I couldn't get over. That is why I was thinking of leaving him. I wasn't getting any of my EN's fulfilled except $$. I am so sad right now. I think I really needed to face this. Maybe it was over a long time ago. Thanks for all your help. I wanted to save a marriage and family. But I can't do it alone anymore

Originally posted by uteconf footballwidow:
<strong>Thanks Orchid,
You are a good friend. I am dreading the day when
you write and say "Yes girl, You ARE CRAZY!!!"
I really hate this. I am glad you are here. Even though I think you might be starting to think I'm a pain in the ole a**. I am glad I am not nuts. I did read the post on greiving but guess I'll have to check it out again. </strong>

L: You are not a pain in the a$$.... ok I promise to let you know when you are ok?!?!? LOL!! You are not nuts. This whole A thing is insane. About the only sane thing is that we are trying to deal with it and let them live.

<strong>You will have to tell me the laundry story. I loved your motorcylce story. </strong>

L: The laundry story had a thread of it's own last year. The short version was that I put a plastic grocery bag with 1 days work of the WS; work clothes on OW's front door, 1 week later (I was out of town and the WS babysat our son at our house). OW called the WS 5 days later and said that I had done this..... not sure where she was all that time..... The next day, the OW called to tell WS that I had put poop in the laundry. Ha!!! too funny. I was in Costco when I got the news, I was laughing sooo hard I had to move out of line and sit down. Kept laughing right through the store. I asked WS 'did she say animal or human'..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WS didn't know. OW said her H found it and she washed it. How dumb, I certainly wouldn't have washed it but I there was no poop in the bag. The laundry sat in my room until it was delivered and there was no poop in then.... the OW was pulling the WS' leg or her H (which I doubt) put it in there. She has a couple of german shepherds so it is easy to get poop!!!

Again, stories with no proof. It was just too funny. Well the WS didn't laugh right then and there but he eventually did. See the OW liked to make up stuff.... let's 3 pregos and poop, oh yea stories about how bad I was and that she was going to have me thrown in jail...etc.

<strong>Orchid I am really starting to see the D as the next step and I'm starting to want it more and more. You have pretty much been around here and I think you have read most of my posts. I know this is a question you can't really answer but I'm going to ask anyway. "Do you think there is a chance here?" I know, dumb question. I just can't see it anymore. To me it's almost gone. Am I not seeing something? You have probably seen many come and go, is there anything you notice in the ones who make it?</strong>

It is not a dumb question. You have to right to ask it whenever you need to. In your case? Well that is up to you and your H. Have you read VenusEnvy's thread ? Her H came back but she had already moved on. So you see it takes both to make the M work. Lots of work. Just coming back won't fix it. But recovery is possible. It always is a possibility. Again it is up to both parties.

You will find that your boundaries and needs will play an important part in recovery. Work on personal recovery. This is vital to your survival.

<strong>Sorry I know I am just grasping at straws, maybe my Tylenol PM is kicking in. </strong>

L: Hope you were able to get some rest.

<strong>Thanks for being a friend,

Sharon</strong>

L: Sharon, that's what we do here at MB. I noticed you have been helping others also. Kinda therapuetic doncha think? That's why I have sooo many posts - LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ....... and you thought it was because I am such a nice person! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid,

You really are a friend. Thanks. I guess this weekend took more out of me than I thought it would. I am swinging on the old emotion coaster, crazy. Today I have been totally sad (A.M.) to totally giddy and acting like a stupid high school co-ed (P.M) I am even scaring myself. My HORMONES (if you know what I mean) are kicking in big time. Lets just say it's been awhile. This is one thing I am NOT prepared to deal with. I am not that kind of girl, well not anymore.. LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I mean I am a grown woman with grown kids for heck sake. What is wrong with me???? I think I am just lonely and sad and I don't quite know how to deal with it all. Acting like a nut is more fun than being depressed and crying.

On a serious note I did call my lawyer today and I am planning on sending my FINAL pass at the D papers. If H doesn't sign I will tell him to get his own lawyer and I will see him in court. If you read my last post I think you know that I feel like I have given a good fight. I feel like I have been trying with NO results for 2 yrs. I have been plan Aing as much as I could long distance for 9 months. I DO want my M back but my H obviously doesn't, I mean I am almost jealous when I hear of other spouses waffling back and forth. My H, NOTHING. The ABSOLUTE WORST THING IS I KNOW IT COULD WORK OUT AND BE GREAT!!! I KNOW IT COULD if WH would just give it a chance. His answer to that: "I wouldn't want you to go through all that trying and then me not be happy and hurt you again." It is like talking to a wall. The last year and a half he put all his emotional energy into the A. I got blocked out, shut down. One of my saddest memories of before he left was walking in the beautiful canyons with him. I would try to talk to him try to connect I couldn't get through I didn't know WHAT was WRONG. It was like I didn't exsist. So one day we went for a walk, I started to walk real slow to see if he would notice I wasn't with him. Well he walked almost a 1/4 mile before he noticed. Kind of a metaphor for what was going on in our life, he was leaving me behind without looking back. It was one of the saddest memories I have ever had. It hurts just to write about it. All the time I was dying inside trying to get through to him and who was he reaching out to? OW, on the internet, on the phone. Lying and spending thousands of dollars to go see her but nickle and dimeing me to death at home. Making me feel like an intruder in my own life. Hey, I wasn't perfect, I was far from it. But I didn't give up I didn't stop loving I didn't stop talking I didn't stop caring, I just tried to let him ride out his storm and I got BLOWN AWAY. GOD IT HURTS. I could fill pages here of what I have been through with this man. I am not lying or blowing my own horn, I HAVE BEEN THERE FOR HIM THROUGH HELL AND BACK. To me what he has done is the ultimate slap in the face. I have had many friends and family say that I was the strong one in the R. I was the glue. I was weak in a lot of ways and dependent on him but I also know what they say is true. I know that sounds egotistical. But I am not being egotistical. It's true.

Man, I am really rambling, I can't even remember what I was talking about. I am lost now. Guess I'll stop before I write a novel.

Thanks for your help, I need it!!!!!

Sharon

You are sounding so strong, it is unbelievable how much you have grown,I truly admire you.

I wish I could offer you some advice, but I think Orchid has taken you under her wise wing!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks G_C,
Sometimes I feel like I have grown but I know I have so much more to do. Thanks for the encouragement. I am sure you could give me lots of good advice. I have gotten so much help here. It is so good to get things out. I could not tell friends or family some of the things I say here. And you are not judged here. It is good to have people on the same wave-length who are outside the situation who don't already have their minds made up about what you should do. It is also good to see your situation through different eyes. Every story here is different, but the similarities are astonishing. I learn something new everyday. I think if I hadn't started posting, and I was AFRAID to, I would be worlds away from where I am now. I truly was a basket case when I came here. I have felt better and better since coming here. Even if I don't reconcile with my H I have accomplished things that will make me better. Mostly I have learned I can do hard things, I can take it, I can make it. Not alone, I have a lot of help, but making my own decisions, using all the input and deciding what I want to do and doing it. Accepting the concequence and not being afraid of everything "OUT THERE" Out there used to scare me to death.

Thanks everyone

Sharon