Candy store!?!?!?! Ok, where do you work?!?!? Can I visit it at lunch??? Don't tell my son! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just kidding.

Laughter is the best medicine and if you read Lor's response you will find that her words can be healing to your bones but you have to let them in first!

In addition to that I believe that when the BS works on personal recovery instead of marital recovery, they tend to heal faster. See you can't have marital recovery unless you BOTH work at it. This means the WS has to shed that WS title and reclaim the H title. You hold that within your hands. Don't give it to him until he deserves it.

Do I still get depressed? yes. I keep plan B in my back pocket. Does Lor? You have to ask her. I'd be curious to know, Lor. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

In my case recovery is still short, less than the A. In fact I didn't consider it recovery until this past June so I feel like an old newbie (isn't that confusing - LOL!!!)

The point is Sharon, that I worked on personal recovery a long time ago. That was my requirement and even though I went through a lot of pain and even got close to going off the deep end several times, my struggle for personal recovery was strong. It kept me alive.

I want you to get to that point. I am asking that you refocus and it will remove some of the pain you are now suffering.

Hugz,
L.
ps: I like posting after Lor, she gives me such good things to think about. Also, I wish I worked in a candy story...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks Lor and Orchid,

Lor butt in anytime I haven't heard from you for awhile. How are YOU?

Oh let me tell you we don't just sell candy but ICE CREAM!!! REALLY GOOD ICE CREAM.. My favorite thing is Caramel Caribou. Caramel IC with little caramel cups (like reeses cups but filled with caramel) YUM. But I try to stick to diet coke.

Anyway, I guess I am just working on PERSONAL recovery since H is no where near. I do feel better I think better than I have felt in a long time. Having an H who is uninterested in your marriage is very demeaning. And my H was for at least a year before he left. I was very lonely. I am lonely now but that was harder.

He did once again e-mail me today saying how BAD things were at work, how bad he needed the weekend. I wrote back that I was sorry about the trouble and that I was glad he had someone to share his bad times with. HE HE HE I feel so NAUGHTY. I bet he is afraid to tell her. Oh, he just now wrote back, no response on my naughty comment. It felt good though. I KNOW he is putting up a front for her. VERY DIFFICULT in stressful times. For my H especially. He has a hard time dealing with stress. If it were him and me he's be LBing the HE## out of me. So it is probably killing him to put on the HAPPY face for her. If however he is opening up to her I am glad. He does need someone.

Thanks for your help, and for making me smile.

Sharon

Sharon,
I'm fine. I haven't been posting much because my H has too much leave time built up and has been in a lose it or use it position. He has a special board he loves, so, I've been giving him the time I usually use on MB to do that. I was about going through withdrawal! And, right now, I'm at work, shhh.

Orchid,
I don't keep Plan B in my pocket. If I found my H was being wayward, I would go straight back to divorce. I've done my 18mo Plan A. And the "as if divorced" months after that with time of "I don't care anymore I'm divorcing him!"

If we don't make it this 7th reconciliation...we won't.

We made that agreement with this reconciliation that it would last or be the last.

I don't want you to read that negatively, it's more reason to give our marriage NOW everything I've got. And I believe my H thinks the same.

If I get distant or extra goofy...he really checks in with me. "Is everything ok? Do you need anything." Otherwise we just are making it work and not really working at it...does that make sense?

So, no Plan B for us, it's marriage or divorce. But, I wouldn't necessarily recommend that attitude to others...getting to the point of true reconciliation was so very hard and such a long roller coaster process for us that it is inconcievable to me that I could do any part of it again. I was such a nut for Plan A once I figured it out, that I'd do that before Plan B.

Of course I can say divorce...but as we all know, until you're hip deep, you don't know for sure.

Lor,
I can't remember. Did you get a D? If so tell me a little about that. I think you know what I want to know. If not I'll clarify. Just a little ESP test. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sharon,
ESP this... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Just kidding. But I don't know what it is you want to know, so I'll answer the Q you asked.

I served the divorce papers in the 7th separation. H, who had been telling me for almost 2 years that he was unhappy, didn't want to be married, didn't want a divorce, but thought we should divorce cuz it would never work... then did not want the divorce.

We started talking custody, finances, assets, liabilities, etc. Then since he was Plan Aing me...I saw some changes in him that led me to believe our marriage was worth another try, a 7th try. So, no, we weren't divorced. I served papers, he signed, I gave them to my lawyer, but asked that she not file them. Actually, they are probably still there at her office since I never gave her any further information. I don't think there is a time limit/expiration in this state from signing to filing...so that's kind of scary now that I think about it!

OOH, Lor,

You shouldn't do those kinds of things to people who aren't getting any 'action' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I was just kind of wondering if the D process brought out some REALITY checks with your H. I thought I remembered that you had initiated the D. I did not want D. But I am handling it. H and I originally had an agreement written up. But, when EVERYONE, including his family doesn't think it sounds fair. RED FLAGS.

H is not too happy with the way the D is going. He wants me to roll over and give him all the comforts afforded the man who DESERVES happiness.

I also just kind of wondered if you had any regrets about the D process anything you might have done or not done you wished you had. You know the 'voice of experience'. I am letting Lawyer handle everything. When H writes his "What's this all about" e-mails I write back that he should contact Lawyer, that Lawyer needs to understand his situation. Well I hate to tell him Lawyer understands his situtation JUST FINE THANK YOU. Lawyer thinks H is selfish.

However, the D stuff has turned out to be not the LB experience I was dreading. I have been VERY careful not to LB at all. I am just trying to be fair and protect me and my kids. I just can't take everything my H says at face value. I want to trust him and he wants me too. BUT HELLO. TRUST??

Anyway Lor, thanks.

Sharon

Hi Sharon,
Since we've already established I don't have ESP, I don't know what's going to happen for you with this divorce. But I can tell you my opinion of how you can set your attitude.

First, infidelity carries, or should carry, natural consequences, ie loss of spousal trust, the WS has basically gambled with the marriage, taking a crack at the foundation, risking the marriage, the spouse's emotional & physical health and the family's security, along with reputation, character, honor & integrity, sometimes the WS's profession and/or professional standing.

Add separation, more consequences, financial, including child & household support, household access, visitation with kids, more people actually knowing.

Add moving in with the OP, visitation becomes more of a problem usually to the BS & OP, finances & other resources, like time, are being used openly to support or co-exist with the OP.

So, as the complexity of the affair increases, so do natural consequences, including legalities.

Does your H deserve the same kind of life he left? He chose to leave, you had no choice in his leaving, thus in my mind the BS is the one who is "deserving".

What has he done to preserve that lifestyle? Your H moved far away, he compounded the fact his life would change, he wouldn't see his kids regularly, you're alone with the upkeep of the house and kids. His expectations are unrealistc.

Even though for emotional & hopeful reasons you do not want the divorce, your H's actions, continuing after months, likely made it a realistic need.

Your H can still choose to come home, right? Optimally that is what you'd want?

Your H can begin the reconciliation process with you and halt the divorce.

Unless he does that, your H is continuing to choose not to have his old way of life...so this divorce, the terms are a result of his actions, and of course, your decisions now as well, but your decisions are greatly based on his actions as a wayward, unfaithful, deserting spouse/father.

If you've got a good lawyer, and I hope you do, give him/her all the available information and take a good look at what you are entitled by law. If it isn't fair to you and the kids, haggle it with your lawyer, if it is fair to YOU (even if more than fair, it allows for compromise if needed), let the lawyer set the terms. If it isn't fair to your H, your H's lawyer will counter claim and/or the judge won't allow it if you get that far. In a perfect world, isn't court the epitome of fairness? Of course in our world it depends on the skill of the lawyers and the attitude of the judge.

So, where is Plan A in all of this? Plan A is in your behavior, attitude and reactions to your spouse when you are in contact. The fact that you love him and want your marriage is not inconsistant with legally protecting yourself and your kids since he has left all of you.

It may feel inconsistant, but the legalities and a loss of a prior way of life are a natural consequence of his actions and choices and not something you should protect your H from.

You are in a tough spot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , and it's difficult to want your marriage & husband while you safeguard yourself for the opposite outcome.

You know how a lot of WS have that imperviousness? For them, this is just the way it is, no discussion, no reason changes their mind? (for a long time my H said "I don't want a divorce, but I can't live with you, this will never work") If you ever have to respond directly to your H about the D terms, I think you'll have to adopt a kind of that imperviousness "I love you but if we have to be divorced, these are the terms my lawyer has found the kids and I are entitled to." Almost an Orchid babble?

Thanks Lor,

I needed to read that response. I can still see how I am trying to protect my H.

I have given him EVERY opportunity to make things right. He is the type of person who doesn't like to suffer the consequences of his behaviors. In that way me and his family have enabled his continued cycle of irresponsible behavoirs.

You are 100% correct. I NEED to make him life with his consequences. He does DESERVE them. Me and the kids are innocent victims. Of course I had a part in the reasons for the A but his choices since d-day, he is responsible for those.

He is really suffering from this move. I think in his fog he thought it would be a good thing. Get away, time to think, check it out with OW undetected, make some good money and decide what he wanted in life without the BOND AND BOUNDRIES of home life. I think in a way he is seeing what he is giving up, but, I don't think he is at a point yet where he can see coming home as a solution to his problem. I think he still thinks that OW and his new life are going to turn around and he will be HAPPY FINALLY. I don't know what his outcome is going to be. I don't have ESP either, but guess what? Oh I forgot no ESP. Well I KNOW I am going to be happy. I will make ME HAPPY no one else will do it or have to do it for me. No place or job or money will do it for me. No move or possesion will do it for me. *I* will do it for me. I truly think if H can learn that he will come home.

Anyway Lor I am off the subject of D, but I appreciate your advice. My lawyer is a good one he is really trying to be fair to both of us but make sure I am taken care of. He also understands me not wanting to get the D but protecting myself. He has had experience in clergy counseling so he is all for saving marriages. So he is very supportive in not trying to anger my H. Just show him the way things are.

Thanks again, I gotta get my son to football.

Have a good weekend and week ahead.
Sharon

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by uteconf footballwidow:
<strong>Thanks Lor,

I needed to read that response. I can still see how I am trying to protect my H.

................

Anyway Lor I am off the subject of D, but I appreciate your advice. My lawyer is a good one he is really trying to be fair to both of us but make sure I am taken care of. He also understands me not wanting to get the D but protecting myself. He has had experience in clergy counseling so he is all for saving marriages. So he is very supportive in not trying to anger my H. Just show him the way things are.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sharon & Lor,

Lor, that was one great post . You laid it out so clearly. What can we do to get this message out there for more to read?!?!?

Excellent job Lor.

Sharon, what Lor posted to you is what all the BS need to see. The way she explained it to you should make it crystal clear. The best I have seen in a long time.

As I have said before, each BS must get to the emotional level of inner strength to be able to enact as Lor stated above. When you do, it will be easier to enforce your boundaries.

IMHO, don't ignore the D option. That is part of reality. Don't undermine it either. Face it square on and be prepared.

Remember that marital recovery takes 2 not one. Work on your personal recovery and show it off to the world. The WS will see it and compared to his status he will see (even with an inferiority complex) he will see what he has let slip away. My H saw it. He knew it. He also realized that the OW was nothin in comparison to his family. Not because we are such great people. No but because we have a bond like no other. We are a family.

Now will a WS be willing to risk even that precious gift? Unfortunately some do. For those who do, the BS has to take appropriate action but not the blame nor the responsibility.

You mentioned that your lawyer is trying hard to be fair? There is nothing fair in this. Fairness is a state of mind. What is fair to the WS is NEVER fair to the family. It is more inline with the OP. Now is that fair? Will you stand for that?

So IMHO, being fair to the WS is letting him live. All his other assets he should be willing to lose since he is choosing to throw away his family. Now that is not fair but better than giving it to the OP.

My H told me that if I took what the law allowed, that I would be renedering him homeless and without any money. I was asked not to ask for so much (which wasn't even 1/2 of what I needed). At first I wanted to help but then when I saw the whole pix (the ow wanting $998.00 for room/board/sex), I said no.......the famiy's needs come before the WS' needs. If it renders the WS homeless and penniless then that is his choice. I did not take blame or responsibility. Then he threw in my face that I did not care for him. I said, if you continue to act like a jerk who abandons his family, why should I? He saw me pulling away. I had to or else he would have dragged me down with him. He already was. He then informed me that if I hadn't let him suffer the consequences he would have allowed me to carry his burden and then he would have continued the A. OW was 100% behind that decision. Regardless of their reasons what was NOT what I was going to let happen to my family. No no no! So I told him if one of us was NOT going to make it, it might as well be him. Those words scared him. Then I comforted him by saying that the OW was there waiting for him with open arms and a checkbook......go sponge from her.....take advantage of her but he was not allowed to take advantage of our kindness any more.

Whew!!!! caused a major LB between the OW and Ws. Yipee!!!! Of course not all end that way but for my protection I had to do it that way.

Hope this makes sense.

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid,

I read your and Lor's response and it hits me even harder that I am still trying to be "safety net sharon" It is so hard I have devoted most of my life to my family, to this man, to this marriage. It is hard not to protect, but I realize protecting him and protecting family and M are not the same anymore.

This wonderful life we had, excuse my French, but he is pissing it away. I don't understand his values, his priorities. I am so, I don't know, disappointed? in him.

It is so funny, I know people who would give all to be in our family. My middle D has a lot of friends that come from hard family situations. She has told me they would love to be in our family. Most of them call me "MOM" these are 20 yr old boys, mostly.

I guess I just don't understand what my H wants. I don't think he does either. Everything that a person could want love-wise and support-wise are here for him. We have beautiful, smart, happy, wonderful kids. He has a family that loves him, extended family who loves him. I LOVE HIM. WHAT DOES HE WANT? Money, youth, freedom, admiration from people who don't give a s*** about him.

I printed out Lor's response. I am going to read it when I am tempted to save him. Orchid I think it was you who used the metaphor of the drowning person who take the person trying to save them down with them. No matter how much I love him and care and want to have good things for H, I will not go down with him. It sure is hard to stand on the shore and watch him go under.

I am going through with D. He should get the next petition try sometime this week. He is really balking at the money. Sometimes I think that is all he cares about. No, I know that is not true. I don't know. I give up. I am so tired of this whole thing. I know it hasn't been that long, that him and OW haven't been together long. It will probably be awhile till the Fog even thins, let alone clears. I wish I had the strength to wait it out. It is sad because we really are fine without him. I need to keep going, I have to stop getting bogged down in maybes, and could be's and possibilities that are all in my mind.

Lor, Orchid I want to be where you were. I want to be strong. Not sometimes. Not on a good day. Not occasionally. BUT ALWAYS. You are helping me get there. Thanks.

Sharon

Wow Sharon, I read these recent posts, it gives us relative "newbies" something to think about again.

I think you are quite strong and courageous.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by uteconf footballwidow:
<strong>......Lor, Orchid I want to be where you were. I want to be strong. Not sometimes. Not on a good day. Not occasionally. BUT ALWAYS. You are helping me get there. Thanks.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sharon,

You are where we were. That is where we were. Can't speak completely for Lor but I know that myself and several others have been there. Now we can say.....done that.

Getting from there to 'done that' is a long journey. Sharon, not all make it. The chances are better if you are in a support group like this one. All CAN make it but it takes effort.....lots of effort. Many disappointments and other life issues have to be dealt with along the way. You know our world does not stop turning while we deal with the A. So if you are a major giver (sure sounds like it), I will venture to say that even though you are going through this mess, others are still coming to you for help and you are helping them.

Then I will go a step further and say that maybe your H is jealous of your ability to help and stay on top of stuff. Whether you are or not, his perception may be that Sharon doesn't need me. Now why would I even bring up such a far fetched wacko idea? Because my H did just that. He said he went out because he thought I didn't love him...... WHAT?!??!? He said I paying attention tooo much to work, our child, his family's constant crisis modes and friends with problems. This was all true but where did the thought that I didn't love him come from? From his uncontrolled selfish desire of being a taker. For some weird reason some WS get stupid like this. Sad but true. Totally illogical and not always the case but from listening to the stories here and my personal experience, I have seen this scenario played out many a time. That is one of the crazy reasons why the WS can leave what appears to be the perfect family (mine wasn't perfect but hey - ) and go venture out into the filth of an A. Some even resort to sleeping on the streets/in a vehicle instead of working with their families. Go figure.... no don't go figure.... the illogic will give you one whopping headache. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Orchid,

That is anything but a far-fetched wacko idea. My H is FAR more accomplished than me in the business area. But in areas of friends, relationships, family and coping I am far ahead. I told him a few months ago that I thought maybe he hated me because people are always telling him how much they love me and how wonderful I am. HUMBLE TOO <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I have by far better relationships with his family and people that know both of us. I think this may be one of the reasons he seems to keep me out of his "circle of associates".

I absoulutely believe that in his own warped way that he thinks he is doing me a favor. He has said a couple of times that he is not good enough for me, especially after what he has done. And that he could never give me what I want out of life. Babble I know, but I think his inability to love himself and see himself as a person to be loved hampers his ability to love others. I don't think he believes that I love him just the way he is. I have told him, I wish I could tell him again but would it be chasing him? Would it be counter-productive? Am I just being Safey Net again?

BTW, my family isn't perfect. Far from it. But we do have love and lots of it. Fun and lots of it. Humor and lots of it. Sarcasm and lots of it, oops, thats a family secret.

Anyway, I do want to get where you and Lor were. Ready to move on completely. No matter what. Somedays I think I am really close. Other days I can't even picture it. That is so weird. I can feel it getting better though. I look back on a few months ago, heck a few weeks ago, and I can't believe how far I've come. So I know it just takes time. A testament to all the "newbies" who think things will never get better. Slowly but surely, step by step, it does.

Thanks for your continued help and support. I know I wouldn't be this far without your help. Some days seeing your responses was the one and only highlight of my day.

Sharon

<small>[ October 20, 2002, 06:22 PM: Message edited by: uteconf footballwidow ]</small>

Dear Sharon,

Thank you for your kind words. Seeing you apply yourself and make progress really makes our posting worth while.

We are not professionals but the lessons in life don't need a degree. Life is a lesson all of it's own and no degree or diploma from a secular school can ever come close to what we have learned the hard way.

Sharon, you may be closer than you think. The day will come, something will trigger in your inner being and your mind and heart will come to an agreeable meeting place. At that time, things will start to click. Your boudaries will show themselves and you will know it. Like riding a bike.....you reach that level of balance and then you are riding on your own! A bit shakey at first and even periodically later down the road but you will know how to recover because you have already been down this route.

take care,
L.

Sharon & Orchid,
Thanks for letting me know my post was a good one.

I really think the point at which I did kind of get it together, I had no idea I had it together <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I knew I couldn't go on as I had, the time for Plan A had passed.

My H knew I loved him, he knew I'd changed and planned to keep the changes, but he couldn't believe that I'd heal and he felt he was lost, too much water under the bridge, too many hurts committed.

I finally realized that I wasn't going to be able to change his mind so I had to let go. Once I did, it was a matter of days, weeks that took control of himself, his decisions, his behavior. Then, he had to persuade me! I'm rather stubborn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and if I make up my mind, I like to stick with the decision made.

But I'm pretty sure I didn't feel like I had it all handled, I did think I was going to be ok if the divorce went through, but I didn't exactly know how.

Looking back 2 1/2 years the swirling turmoil has fallen away and I can evaluate it more clearly and see the turning points and that some of those turning points were at times I was not expecting them to be at.

That's why you need to make the best decisions you can now, it's much more pleasant for me to look at the things I handled well than it is for me to look at the screaming rages.

And sometimes you just have to let go of your spouse for them to find their own way.

Okay,

I am ready for a major vent-o-rama. I am so glad Lor that you wrote the response on D. I just got my response from H on my settlement. You'd think I was trying to put him in the poor house. I am so sick and tired of his poor-me attitude. ALL, and I mean ALL of the problems he is complaining about are HIS FAULT. HE doesn't have enough to visit kids. HE doesn't have enough for Xmas. Lawyer is costing too much and not following the agreement we wrote up. (The agreement everyone tells me isn't fair to ME.) HE spent too much on on S birthday and can't afford that much for D's. HE came 2 weeks ago and it added to his debt.
He wants the tax benefits if he has to pay CS, HE WANTS, HE WANTS. HE HE HE..

Well HE moved away. He had the A. He wants the D. He got in most of this debt, that he is complaining about, without my knowledge or permission. He lied to me about debt, OW, moving, why he was taking job. ALMOST EVERYTHING for the last year, NOW he wants me to feel sorry for his situation and make sure I am fair to HIM. Who do I listen to? Him or my Lawyer? Yet he wants to know if he can make a full cash payoff of alimony at some point in time???????????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well, where in the heck is he going to get all that money if he is going to be so broke all the time???????

Something doesn't add up here. I am not greedy, I am not asking for the world. But I freakin' gave this man more that half my life and put my whole future in his hands. Now he acts like I don't matter. What on earth did I do to deserve this?

I really want to write him a PEAK INTO REALITY letter. I am so sick of his complaining. I have been handed a pretty cr@ppy deal and I haven't complained to him ONCE. I WILL take responsibility for my part in the destruction of the M, but all this other stuff. HE brought it on with his own selfish decisions and inability to see past the moment.

Should I write the letter? It will probably LB the heck out of him but I don't even care anymore. Everyone is tiptoeing around him like he is someone who should be protected from the harsh reality of what he has caused. I am tired of doing it. I want him to know EXACTLY what he has done and that I REFUSE, ABLSOLUTELY REFUSE, to take on anymore of the guilt or responsiblilty for something that has been shoved in my face for 9 months.

I am not going to give him what he want in the D. If he doesn't like my terms he can get his own Lawyer and pay for all the back and forth himself. He has thrown out an ULTIMATUM. Take it or HE won't sign. Well good I'm throwing out mine. SHOVE YOURS, I WON'T SIGN. I don't care if we go to court and I get less than what I'm asking for now. It is just the priciple of giving in to Mister EVERYTHING MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY.

In case you can't tell I HAVE HAD IT!!!!!

Sharon?

Ask him to get a loan from the OW. She should be good for it. After all she claims to be good for him right?!?!?!?

I did that, told the Ws if the OW was as great as they claimed, now was the time for 'all good men to come to the aid of .....' ya know... that speach...

Was it a bluff?? No, I was planning deposit the funds. Oh yea, I requested several cashier's checks or cold hard cash..... I would not take a check from someone I did not trust. he he he!!!

I meant it. So I said it. So she backed off...why? Because when push came to shove she was full of _ _ _ _ !

L.

Sharon,
It sounds like you are gaining a lot of strength.
I hope that your H may soon see how much he has lost, and how much more he will lose. I certainly know that I came to this realization, quite early on. It was just the part about ending the A that was hard. Remember how I mentioned before that I carried on for a long while, to justify it? This could be the case for many WS's.

Lor's and Orchid's responses had insights and information that were VERY helpful to me, too.

Thanks for sharing, and for letting me take a look at how it feels to be the BS. All of our stories are so different, but yet we sure can all learn here.

H_P

Thanks H_P,

I have to thank you, somehow talking to you the last few days has helped me get where I am. Some of this post may seem anti-WS. But none of it is directed at you or any other friend here. It is solely about me and my H. I wrote a special reply to you on my other thread.

I just sent an e-mail to my WH. I laid it all out to him. I told him how everthing looked from my point of view. Financially and otherwise. I didn't get angry or call him any names but I let him know in no uncertain terms that this mess was his. That he has put me through HE** and that I am through giving in to him and feeling sorry for him. I probably LBed but I don't care. He knows my feelings now. Finally he knows how I see things. I have tried for 9 months to see from his point of view. Now he will KNOW mine. If he never talks to me again, that's fine. I wanted him to know that his actions have consequences. EVERYONE has been dancing around him. I won't anymore. I am standing up for ME. He has his best interests at heart and for 24 yrs I did too. I am going to take care of me and my kids now.

He expressed real concern that he wouldn't get to see the kids because of his financial situation. Well that is his fault. I will not feel guilty and pay for his mistakes anymore. If he wants to see his kids he better figure out a way to do it. Am I supposed to pay for that? I didn't ask him to move. The only reason I went along was because we were supposed to be together again in a yr or so. He acts like he went into this situation blind. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. He just got CAUGHT.

Orchid, LOR,

It doesn't matter if I was to that point. The letter I just sent put me there. The point of no return. If it's over now, it's over. That letter pretty much sealed my fate. He won't come back now unless HE really wants it. And I won't take him back unless he wants it enough to stand up like a man and prove he wants it.

It feels so good to let it out. I have held all the hurt inside. I have hidden my feelings and my idea of what's fair from him, because I was afraid of what would happen if he didn't like what I might say. I was afraid to say or do anything that might put our recovery in jepoardy. Afraid of what might happen if I stood up to him, stood up for ME. Well he made a mistake. He changed me. The woman he left 9 months ago was afraid of all those things, was afraid of the unknown. Was afraid to be alone. That woman died the day he said "there's someone else" HE made me what I am today. I should thank him for that. I will make it on my own. If me and my kids end up living in a shack we will be PROUD. My kids will learn that no matter what we don't have, we do have our family and that is the most important thing in this world. We will have our self respect. We won't be anyone's second place. We won't be anyone's "I'll settle for..." We will be the prize. We will be the precious gift. I am NOT going to give that gift to just anyone. If H wants it back he is going to have to fight for it. If he doesn't want it back then I am sorry to tell him his BIGGEST LOSS will NOT be FINANCIAL.

I may have a rough road ahead. I'm not looking forward to the reply I'm going to get. But I feel like for the first time in months I have finally taken a step, not the shuffling I have been doing for 9 months but an honest to goodness STEP. A step in the right direction. ^UP^.

If I'm wrong. Then so be it. I had to do this. It was time.

Thanks for all your help. I'll let you know. Put on your coveralls because you know what has hit the fan.

Sharon

<small>[ October 21, 2002, 11:52 PM: Message edited by: uteconf footballwidow ]</small>

Dear Sharon,

You have made progress, ventured into the 'unknown' and found that all it not dark and lost. It just seems that way. Like riding a bike or swimming, scary until you do it.

Sharon, you have your resolve. Don't be surprised if you question it in a day or 2 or even an hour or 2. That is normal. You may still cry and be upset. That's ok, come here and vent.

When you look back, you will be glad you choose to keep your dignity instead of throwing your life in the hands of someone who has callously thrown away his family. Been there, done that. There is no reward in watching someone throw their family away.

Let us know how you need our support. You have the right attitude and reached a milestone turning point. You have not closed the door on your M, you have defined and set your boundary. You are showing that you will accept being treated with love and respect. Remember, our children are watching us. Our children are our supporters. Let them help you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It is a big step you take but not too big for you to handle.

Hugz,
L.