Orchid,

Thanks FIL is stable but no changes. We are not sure what is going to happen. I am VERY close to my IL's. They all, FIL, MIL, and SIL, have been there for me NOW and ALWAYS. So SIL and I are working together to take care of things. SIL needs my support and help. She has been support and help to me through this whole mess with H. IL's are hoping that H and I reconcile and have been there for me. We talk on the phone and visit weekly they just live a few minutes away. And my kids are helping as much as possible. Me and SIL were joking we should buy a big house and ME, IL's, my married daughter (just lost job, H in pre-med $$) and my mom (dependent on me) should all pool our money and live there. I am just hoping H doesn't think I am trying to CONNECT with him in this time and pull away more. He is very concerned about his folks, but is basically helpless to do anything. I will never turn my back on them, they have done so much for our family I could never repay. I love them. Thanks for your thoughts.

Love,

Sharon

Sorry to hear about your FIL. I hope he makes a good recovery.

I'm glad your ILs are supportive and there for you. Most tend to side with their child, even when the child is making poor decisions.

You have alot going for you, without H on your radar screen. Friends, family, church, children. You have so much, and when you really look at it, your H, so little. I feel sorry for him.

Me too Espoir. I am praying that IF H needs to be here (not necessarily home) but back in town that the Lord will find the way. I just have a feeling that he needs to be back here. Not for ME but for HIM. I do have SO MUCH. I am grateful and I am doing really well. FIL is improving slowly but taking care of MIL is hard, we are all sharing in the help but she lives kind of far and me and SIL are both working, I am starting another part time job on Monday. MIL is pretty much unable to care for herself so this is the biggest problem. I appreciate your support. Thanks again.

Sharon

Hi Sharon,

I haven't been here too much lately. Was just wondering how you were doing. Was thinking about you this week.

Take care and hope you have a good weekend.

HW (formerly TORO)

Hey Toro,

How are you? See you have been TRYING to help AA. I am okay. I haven't been around much either. I need to read your posts and see how things are going for you. Think I read your W is moving. I hate to say it but it has been easier having my H gone. At least compared to some of the stuff I see here. So keep your chin up.

Thanks

Sharon

Hi again Sharon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I haven't posted much here except what I did with AA. I do hope he "gets the picture" someday. Things have changed for me drastically. I think I have really made some great changes in myself through Uncondiditonal Love. I have read Greg Baer's book on it and it has truly transformed my life.
My wife did move out at the very beginning of October. I have had my boys most of the time. She feels I have turned her family and her friends all against her. Obviously, not true. But she has to blame someone. It's easier to look outside than it is to look inside, right?
This last Wednesday we had mediation. During the mediation she pretty much gave me everything. Then she hit me with the fact that she may be moving to Michigan to be with OM. I was pretty shocked, but I wasn't hurt for myself. I was hurt greatly for my boys. She said she will leave them with me to be with him. Pretty selfish of her I know. But I look at her a lot defferently than I have before. I see someone who desperately wants to be loved, but doesn't know how to love herself first. I see someone who is scared, alone and empty. I feel so bad for her. She is reaching out for something the only way she knows how. I know she knows it is wrong, but she just can't let go. I just love her unconditionally now. I see her as a human being with flaws and imperfections, just like me. So I do not judge her anymore, nor do I get angry or upset with her. I have been very nice and pleasant to her each and every time we talk or see each other. I know in my heart that her and I will not ever be together. Someday though, she will hit rock bottom. I am sure I will have long moved on by then. BUT, just because I have moved on, I WILL still be there for her, to help her when she needs it the most. She does not know this. But, if I ever get the call from her someday, I will still help her pick up the pieces, even though it will not bring us back together. I made a vow on my wedding day. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. The paper that comprises my marriage may not soon exist, but those vows were to god in front of family and friends. They don't go away when the paper goes away nor do my feelings for her. I will always love her, just in a different way now.

Sorry for the rambling. I get carried away sometimes.

I hope all is well with you. You are always in my prayers. Take Care Sharon.

HW (formerly Toro)

Hi HW,

It really touched me to read your letter. I could have written it myself. I also read a great book on unconditional love about 5 months ago and really tried to SEE what was happening to my H and why he was doing what he was doing. I came to understand it was for a lot of the same reasons that your W is doing what she is doing. It helped me to understand that. But it didn't make it much easier. I too feel as if my H will hit bottom someday. Unfortunately I think the day is coming soon.

I have kept the door of my heart open to my H. It is still open but I have found it increasingly difficult to live my life constantly thinking about reconciliation. I too believe that my H and I will probably not be together again. Not because he isn't coming back. I still have a feeling he will someday. But like you because I will have moved too far beyond. I have been married a very long time. I miss being with someone. I miss having someone to hold on to and lean on. I am not afraid of being alone. But, I know how I cherish having someone to share my life with and I want more than anything to have that in my life again. I feel my H abandoned me. It all seems so long ago. I don't even FEEL married anymore. I love my H with all my heart as you do your W, but we are so close to D now, it just seems impossible. Lor did however try to give me some hope. Maybe you should keep some hope alive too. The one hope that I have is that my H and OW haven't been together too long. It just SEEMS like FOREVER because he left so long ago and D-day was so long ago. But the actual LIGHT OF DAY for their A, well, I am not even sure if they are physically together even now. I do have doubts anyway because my H says that his decision to D me has NOTHING to do with OW. More with me going to church than anything. And NO I am not a religious zealot or freak. So I don't know if he will come back even if things don't work out with OW. If your wife is not physically with OM she may still be in FANTASYLAND too.

Anyway Toro, take care of you and those boys. They will learn a lot about love from you. Your W is very lucky that you will keep her alive in their hearts. Someday she will be grateful, even if she won't admit it. Be proud of what you are doing and the progress you've made. You sound so much better than you did. This unconditional love thing helps with our progress, you might also like to read the book I read called BONDS THAT SET US FREE. I can't recall the author I lent the book to my brother.

I will pray for you also and your happinesss and for the happiness and well-being of your boys. Post sometimes so we can keep up with you. BTW any advice for a single mom with a 13 yr old son with nothing but older sisters? I'm kind of out of my element. I'm just glad I was a sporty girl growing up so I can handle the sports. Too bad life isn't that easy.

Take care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sharon

<small>[ November 10, 2002, 12:19 AM: Message edited by: footballwidow ]</small>

Sharon,
I hope your FIL is doing better. I am so happy that you are close with your in-laws.

Your last posting was very meaningful to me. Your thoughts echo mine so much, although we are on different sides of the marriage crisis coin. Thanks for all the help you've given me here.

I feel much stronger now than I did a month ago, and I know a great deal of that strength has come from learning here about others' experiences. Thanks for opening your heart up here, it has been of great assistance to me, Sharon!

Take care,
H_P

Hi Sharon,
Thanks for the reply. Was good hearing from you. I understand exactly where you are coming from in regards to your H. I feel I will be too far away and have changed my life too much to make things work with my Wife. That may sound a little conceded and I surely don't mean it too. It is just that I feel like I am growing and changing almost daily. In reading Baer's book, I now understand exactly what she does even before she realizes it. She will call me at least twice a day. I am never angry, never upset and always treat her with respect. That isn't because I am trying to show her the changes I have made. It is because I have just made those changes and I don't get mad, angry, upset, jealous. I don't attack her. I smile a lot. She tries sometimes to draw me into an argument and I never go there. I just say I don't need to argue with you about these things anymore. I don't feel that anymore. For me, it is about an awakening. No, I am not a religious zealot either. But I feel I am in touch with something incredible. Something I can't see or touch, but just feel. I'm not really sure what it is, but I love it. Everyone aks me why I don't just read her the riot act. At one time it would have been easier to do just that. But I now realize that if I get mad or angry at her and attack her that is just me protecting myself and trying to make myself feel better by belittling her. So I feel good for 5 or 10 minutes, then what? In order to get that feeling I have to do it again, and so the viscous cycle starts. I don't need to do those things anymore. I feel to good about myself to even want to get upset with her. She is human and has imperfections just like me.
I had a good friend ask me how I can be happy so soon after this has all happened. My Wife actually asked me today why I was talking with her family. She asked if I was trying to get sympathy from them. I told her, only someone who is feeling bad for themselves, or is hurt and feeling empty inside needs sympathy. I said I don't feel any of those things, so I don't need anyone's sympathy. She didn't say a word after that.
Wife is not physically with OM, so yes she is still in FANTASYLAND. I am actually looking forward to them being together. Right now, the deserve each other. She will hit rock bottom someday, if her pride doesn't get in the way. I am sure I will be there for her when and if that happens. The best part is I firmly believe I will be able to help her. I will be doing it just for that, not to try and get the marriage back. Isn't that the bast reason to help someone? For them and not for yourself, unconditionally.
Anyhow, sorry to ramble again. I get going about this stuff and can't seem to stop.
I will look for that book as well.

As far as your 13 year old son. if your talking about sports, he will do just fine. Just be there for him when he plays and practices. I know you already know this. He will have other kids and coaches to help him along, I think just supporting him as much as you can will go along ways. He's lucky to have a mom like you. If you lived close enough, I would work with him. I love coaching kids, especially my own.

Take care of yourself. I know you will.

HW (Formerly TORO)

<small>[ November 11, 2002, 01:10 AM: Message edited by: happinesswithin ]</small>

Hey Toro,

Thanks for your reply. You sound like you are doing fabulous. Good for you. I know how you feel about understanding and not wanting to bash your W. I feel the same about my H. He does still have some power to upset me but it seems to be fading. The more I learn and understand about what is going on the better I am coping. I almost feel like I know better than he does what is going on with him.

Don't feel conceited about the being 'moved on' from your W. I feel kind of the same way. I do think we get to a certain point in this whole thing that we become the ones who will have to be begged to come back. I think that is all a part of doing this whole Plan A/B thing. It makes you stronger and better able to cope.

I also have wished my H and OW were together. I just don't really see it lasting. But it is taking so long to die out and in the last few weeks I feel like I personally am racing forward. Don't know if I will want to take a pit-stop and wait for H to catch up.

No, son is fine in the sports dept. I also have coached and played many sports. I am mostly worried about guy-stuff. My brother is 10 yrs. older and I didn't have a good R with my Dad so I'm kind of DUH in the raising sons dept. It is so sad because my H wanted a S so badly, and now when S is at the most enjoyable time, WHERE IS HIS DAD????? I love teenagers and the teenage yrs. I really enjoy that with my kids. He is missing out. He thinks the kids don't NEED him as much. Well they do, but he doesn't realize these are the great years. And all the good yrs. ahead with weddings, grandkids, etc. SAD. He never got into the DAD thing too much. I was hoping he would move away and learn to appreciate his family and children more. I guess not. I am lucky I have a fine SIL, in my daughter's H. I hope he will be around enough to help with S. But he is going into medicine and I'm not sure how much longer they will be in town.

Anyway, thanks TORO! I will check up on you and hope for your best. Thanks for the Mom compliment. I have always tried to be the best mom I could. Maybe if I had put that much into being best Wife I wouldn't be here. But I did my best. Sounds like you did too. Your boys are lucky to have you. So was your W.

Take care,

Sharon

Hi Sharon, how are you going?

Seahorse,

I wrote a reply on your thread but just to answer. I am okay. I got another part-time job and with FIL and MIL stuff have been VERY busy. Plus this single mom thing is tough. I wasn't prepared.

I am still having ups and downs and for some reason, I am not sure why, I have become the FLIRT of the world. Probably just to make myself feel better. It is almost like I am doing it to make my H jealous, but he is 1000 miles away and won't ever know. DUMB DUMB DUMB. I HAVE learned a lot of good things in this and grown but there are some definite down-sides to being dumped on your A$$.

Hope your have a good weekend. Love ya!!

Sharon

So,
Tell us what's up. There is way to much going on in your life for you to be so quiet.

SS

<small>[ November 22, 2002, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thanks SS,

I'm around, just lurking. Don't feel like I have much to say and definitely don't feel qualified to give any advice right now.

Things are okay. D is coming along and I think we are close to settlement. I am busy with 2 part-time jobs and with the FIL and MIL stuff.

H seems to want to maintain contact. I don't know why. He writes e-mails on Mondays. Maybe he misses home after talking to the kids on Sundays.

He cannot come here for Xmas. I am sad. For some strange reason I wanted him to. Maybe to see my changes. Quite a few people have commented how much better I look. I am trying to have a positive self-esteem and am dressing and acting the part.

I feel a lot better but have been kind of down the last few days. Guess just another low on the coaster. No matter what I say or do to convince myself it's over and that I need to move forward it still hurts. Not like it used to, but OUCH.

I don't get my H though. He says things to my lawyer and forwards them to me that are mean, yet he e-mails and talks like nothing is going on between us in that respect. He seems to want my support and tells me his problems, etc. But nothing personal. I guess I should keep in contact with him but it is hard. It makes me have hope. I don't want hope anymore.

Well for someone who didn't have anything to say I wrote quite a bit. Maybe I needed to get things out. Thanks for asking.

Take care SS hope you are well.

Sharon

Hi Sharon,
Of course you know that your feelings will be up and down for quite some time, but you still have to cope with them all the time so it doesn't feel like it helps much. I still have a hard time knowing that so many people can abandon what is good in their life for such shallow reasons.

I am sorry you have the bad to cope with, but I am glad you are able to cope. It speaks well for what kind of person you are. Be careful, and be wise and protect yourself. H may speak nice, but what he is doing tells us a lot more. 1. He left. 2. He is being a jerk with the legal stuff. 3. Fill in the blanks, you know what I mean. These are not the actions of someone that wants what is best for you.

Remember to give yourself time. My neighboors D was final in mid Sept and is dating seriously now. I am afraid she is setting herself up for a big fall, because it is hard for to be objective about the guys she dates. She is so lonely, they all look good to her.

Remember that we care about you, we know what kind of person you are, even if H doesn't get it.

SS

Thanks SS,

I really am fine. I appreciate all the support here. I KNOW I never would have made it without everyone here. I look back and can't believe what has transpired in a year. I wish I could fill in all the blanks, guess that will come with time.

Love you all,

Sharon

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sharon}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks Lor,

I could feel that hug. I needed it.

Love ya,

Sharon

Hi Sharon, you are very strong. This year will be over soon, symbolically we can choose that we will make the next year better (what is under our control anyway).

I am not looking forward to Christmas, but new year is always a special time for me and I intend to make this one especially so.

Keep doing what your doing because it seems to be working for you.
Talk soon
SH

Seahorse,
Thanks, I will check out your recent post. About the new year. I always ask myself every new year "I wonder what will happen this year???"
I am and always have been amazed at how much life can change in a year. This year maybe I won't ask. My H moved out on Jan. 8, 02. My life is so different now than a year ago. Some ways better, mostly worse. But, I have learned I can TAKE IT!!!

Got a good saying for you:

"A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG:
YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL SHE GETS IN HOT WATER."- ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

Well that hot water has turned lukewarm and I'm still here so I guess I'm strong enough.

Little update on InLaw situation.

FIL is in nursing home/re-hab. Don't know how well he will recover. HOPE!!! He is a wonderful person.
MIL had a fall last week and apparently cracked something in her spine. Now she is in hospital. Probably for re-hab. 1 month at least. Possibly longer. Hopefully she can recover.

With God's help maybe we can get these people back in their own home.

I would appreciate any prayers for them. They have been so good to me and my family and supported me through this whole A thing. But that is not why I love them. They are just great.

Thanks,

Sharon

<small>[ November 23, 2002, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: footballwidow ]</small>