I have been married for 19 yrs and my H was arrested for 1st & 3rd degree sexual assault. Since this all happened I don't want to get intiment with my H and I don't like him touching me either. It makes me sick to my stomache just laying with him, sometimes I can't sleep thinking about it. I'm really hurt about what he did. He really messed of our family.
I told him that I was sexually assaulted from family memebers when I was 6. We also watched alot of talk shows like Ricky Lake and others. He knew how I felt about it and he still did it.
I feel that, when you get married you are committed to your W or H that neither should stray from each other. Once one strays I feel that the one that strays doesn't love the other any more. He always said he didn't need any one else that I was enough for him, but I guess he lied. He says he doesn't know why he did what he did.
I don't want any put downs about what he did. Cuz I know what he did is wrong and that he needs to be punished for what he did. I just want some advice from people of what I should do. I know the marriage vows but if I stay with him I don't think it will work out, cuz I'm aways going to have something on him. This is how I feel. I don't want to deprive him of sex, but it is leading to it.

<small>[ October 06, 2002, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: TootsieRo ]</small>

TootsieRo,

Welcome to MB. Please read the concepts section above. What you both really need it personal counseling. Get with a good MC or IC.

You need it also since you are dealing with the issue and your H is dealing with that and himself.

We are not professionals here on this site but the Harley's have helped many. In your situation you may need the services of someone close but the Harley's might be able to help with their phone counseling sessions also.

I am sorry for your situation. I have heard of such instances before but that does not minize the seriousness of what ocurred.

Make sure you both get good help.

take care,
L.

Listen to Orchid, she is a wise woman!!

You both definitely need counseling, have you received counseling and effectively dealt with your past??

No I haven't. I about a yr ago I told my mother what had happened that it was my brother who did it when I was young and she found out this yr about my brother-in-law. When I was 12 when my older sisters husband did it and she new about it she never said nothing to our mother about it. My sister just started hitting him and said are you going to to that to our daughter when she is twelve. Right now we can't afford one. These assault charges happened this year. We haven't even went to court yet to find out he has to do time yet. The lawyer says it will be in October sometime. I am the only one working now besides my mother. He doesn't want to work. My mother has been living with us for 10 yrs. She wants me to give him a time frame to get a job. If he hasn't found one in the time frame kick him out. He isn't helping much. Mom pays for the food and I pay the bills.

Tootsiero,

Do you want to be married to your H? If yes, why?

What is your H's attitude and contribution to your family?

You don't owe these answers to us (unless you choose to), you do owe them to yourself.

Most cities have centers for women suffering from abuse (spousal or others), you might find free assistance there.

L.

TootsieRo, we are sorry to hear the nightmare you are enduring.

Normally, I am all for healing a marriage but this situation sounds so unhealthy. Your husband has some huge issues and you have past pain as well as the things you are facing now.

I agree with Orchid--ask yourself if you want to keep this M and why. Make sure you are safe. You need to be absolutely safe and I don't think you are. He is not willing to contribute and will even let his M-I-L pick up the slack. This is not healthy.

Big hugs to you, sister. May God comfort you in these difficult days.

posted October 06, 2002 04:32 PM
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Tootsiero,

Do you want to be married to your H? If yes, why?

I feel like I don't want to be married to him.

What is your H's attitude and contribution to your family?

He has been the supplier for the income and I was the stay home mother. I feel that I did most of the raising the kids. He never went to the kids activities I know it was hard since he worked nights. Now the kids are in school and older I have been working for 5 yrs now. He says that he supported me for 14 yrs that it is my turn to support him. We agreed that if I got a job he would help around the house and he never does. He still with the old times that women are slave for their husband. I don't know if he is really joking about these things or not. The boys are in football and out of the 9 games they have he went one since he has been laid off of work. I'm the one who repair things around the house not him. The 10 yrs we lived in the house he mowed the lawn once. The kids and me do it. Sometimes I wonder why I need him.

Thank you guys for the advice. I really appriciate it's really helping me to see what i need to do. That is what I was looking to do.