After meeting with WH last week there is a definite change in me. Its not really anger, its not even sadness, its just heaviness.

WH meets one of my needs at the moment, even though I have tried, where possible to meet his. He rarely spends any time with me now and we only have sporadic contact. Although some things he says give me a little hope that there may be a chace one day, I wonder if its worth it. The affair is a major lovebuster, not to mention the fact that he is continually manipulative, dishonest and lays all blame on me for the problems in our marriage. I accept 50% of blame. I'm working on my part.

I spoke to Steve Harley on Friday. He wants me in plan A as we have no kids. This is OK by me - I am happy to continue interacting with H and learn not to lovebust, but for the last week I am feeling quite indifferent towards my H. I keep thinking that there must be a better life than this.

I love who he was, but that person definitely dosen't exist anymore. I've been holding onto the hope he would return. I don't like some of his actions and I don't feel like meeting any more of his needs. I feel that once our finances are divided it will be it for me and I can move on, there will be no traces of the old relationship left, although Steve says not to push for the financial separation, keep plan Aing, but maybe just back away a bit.

Has anyone felt like this and come back from it? Is this falling out of love? What happens now? Can you still save your marriage even when there's no motivation left? Maybe this is just temporary, because of the problems with the dog and I'm just worn out.

I wonder if it would be better to just completely drain the love bank and then move on, at least then there would be no 'what if' thoughts later.

Advice anyone?

I hear you loud and clear. I am in the same mind set now. I don't get advice from Harley's so it is good that you are. I know my emotions swing back and forth, not as violently as before but 2 days ago I wanted nothing more than my family back. Today I feel like I just want to get everything over with and move on. I don't think we are beyond hope as far as our M's but I do think this is a natural reaction to no good response or trying on the part of our spouses. Mine has put forth -0- effort to save our R. I am beginning to not care anymore. So, I can't give you any advice but I know what you are feeling.

Take care,
Sharon

((((Seahorse))))

I was wondering if Steve would keep you in Plan A (like me), has he ever mentioned when or if Plan B should occur. I feel like my WH is Plan Bing me, as I have not seen him in person for almost 6 weeks now. It's pretty tough to Plan A someone when they are not around

From what I (think) I've observed, SH likes to start people in Plan A most often, unless there's a clear "threat"... so despite your Plan B stance from before, you might have seemed to him to have a bit more "in you" to give... He will try to monitor your energy level in determining any change in plan.

I totally agree with the approach of allowing the last of your love to bleed away before Dv'ing... it would make it so much easier. And you wouldn't have those lingering questions in the back of your mind.

But just keep in mind that you might want to give a solid Plan B a shot (at some point) versus coming to despise your WH, if it gets to that point. That's where I'm at right now... very solid Plan B, and at this stage, it actually feels "right" and "good"... might be the Prozac helping too!

<small>[ October 08, 2002, 12:16 AM: Message edited by: J.R. ]</small>

Hi,
I don't have suggestions at this point but I am still praying for you, and I care. I believe you will find your way and be happy in the end.

SS

Seahorse -- Yes, there are many times when I feel worn out and indifferent. But, usually just when I truly do feel ready to give up, somehow WH reappears and seems to be trying. It cannot go on forever.

I think when you are in these holding patterns, it is probably best to focus on something else completely. Maybe you could volunteer at your vets office to walk dogs that are boarded or help feed animals or something. Or, maybe at the humane society. You have been so good about taking on new things in your plan A for you, such as diving. I think you need that kind of new boost now again.

Certainly I do not know why Steve H. would say stay in plan A, but he's the expert.

I feel the loneliness and frustration in your post and I hope you can find something to take your mind off of what WH is or is not doing b/c it mostly sounds like "I don't want to deal with it" from him.

Hello Seahorse, I've felt what you describe so many times.

Early on, I tried to explain it. Then I realized it's our own rollercoaster of emotions.

It can be acceptance, detachment or even some subconscious boundary setting.

Whatever it is, it is natural Plan A progression...a kind of inner growth that we can often ignore but it's interesting. I find myself much more self-aware than ever...

So basically, no, I don't believe it's that you're falling out of love.

Take care.