I haven't contributed for quite some time, but I'm a regular lurker.

The short version of my story is that about 4 and a half years ago my wife fell in love with a gay man. She pursued their "friendship" at the expense of our marriage. Seven months ago she moved into her own apartment so she could spend as much time with him as possible and as much time away from me as possible.

This past week I asked her to dinner. The answer was such a cold no that I decided I'd had enough and I was no longer going to pursue reconciliation. My plan was (and is) to Plan B fully for another 11 to 15 months, then file for divorce if she continues to show no interest in our marriage.

Tonight, not an hour ago, she called and spoke to my son for several minutes. She then asked for me, which never happens. She then told me that early this morning her "friend" stopped breathing and died. She was not with him at the time, but others of his friends called her, and since then she has been dealing with her loss and helping make arrangements as if she were suddenly his widow.

A part of me is sad for her. Whether I like it or not, he was important to her, and I don't want to see her in pain.

The other part of me really doesn't care one way or another that he is dead. While she spoke to me on the phone, with tears in her voice, I thought, "Now she knows how I feel constantly!" I spoke to my son, who is 18 and feels much the same way, and I realized that I would be more upset if one of my tropical fish died.

I can't help but see this as just one more impossibility that has become reality. There have been so many that this is just another grain of sand on the beach. I hope something positive will result from this, but I'm not buying stock in it. I plan to be supportive of her emotionally, as much as she asks me to be and no more. Be the bigger man, as it were.

How would you respond? Have any of you dealt with the death of affair through the death of the other person?

Saltwater

<small>[ October 07, 2002, 11:44 PM: Message edited by: SaltWater ]</small>

SW,

I will venture into this area....... death no matter who it is is painful. I have often thought how I would feel if the OW were to expire..... hm.... wouldn't jump for joy but wouldn't shed a lot of tears. Sorry, just not there.

So I would personally extend condolences as a distant acquaintance. Civil but not emotional. After all it is not an emotional tie for you right?

What will she say? You don't care? Can't say that, you were civil. She would be angry if you didn't care more? That is your choice and she has hers.

There will be others who will mourn more than you. The choice is yours. You don't have to feel guilty for not feeling more sorrow.

IMHO,
L.

<small>[ October 08, 2002, 12:56 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

SaltWater,

I agree with Orchid. She says it rather well. He certainly wasn't your friend; don't believe you should pretend feelings you don't have. It's just the way it is. Just as her decision to leave you was the way it was.

SaltWater,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She pursued their "friendship" at the expense of our marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Simulair situation here, my W is destroying our M because of a "friendship".
I think I would react the same way you do. I wouldn't be happy because her friend means so much to her, but I wouldn't be sad either. Why should you be sad? Tell her you're sorry for her loss, but that's all.