I haven’t posted about my situation in a long time. For the past few months, I have been agonizing over whether I should or should not file for divorce as per SH’s advice. Like most, I guess, I look for every little reason to keep going. I have a gullible tendency to read too much into things at times. Whenever my wife would call and show genuine interest in talking to me at times, I would wonder, “How can I give up? If I can just hold out a little longer…”

There was a memorable post made by JenniJ last year entitled “A Battle Cry for Us All.”:

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posted June 20, 2001 01:09 PM
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Hi,everyone.
I read this on this site a year or two ago in the midst of a lot of pain...It helped me and I thought it might help the "newbies" in the site and any one else who needs some inspiration. My own marriage has been restored by using a lot of the principles on this site. My prayers are with those of you still in the battle.
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE

I will not give up, give in, give out, or give over 'til the healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted God, and said the words and meant the words...in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in good times and in bad... I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down, and be down 'til the breakdown is torn down.

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrify, or advantageous...nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!

In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies, I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abound, I will hope in God; Where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.

I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiese, compromise, quarrel or quit...I have made the choice to set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God with the outcome.

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.

God bless,
Jen

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I have had copies of this on my wall, in my office, and in my wallet. I also carry a copy of BR’s “Detachment with Love” thread. I often wonder how theses two great works of wisdom interact with each other.

I have battled with the idea of my wife’s sexuality. I even got involved this summer with an online group of people that were straight and dealing with gay spouses. Almost all of them tried to tell me that I was wasting my time. There was nothing I could do about my situation and I might as well accept it. Bisexuality does not exist. My wife is in denial (WAT’s river in Egypt) if she can’t admit she is homosexual.

The decision I have made is to file for divorce. What I am having trouble doing is deciding how to go about it. SH says to file for mental cruelty and adultery and not to inform my wife before she is served. I have trouble accepting this idea. I talk with my wife on a daily basis about many things. We have spent the last 18 months apart, but have never gone a day without contact. I have never been dishonest about anything and to my knowledge have never LB’d. Yes, I know my wife has not done the same. But I have tried to do as clean a Plan A as possible and lead by trust and honesty. Every decision we have made about our situation was done without attorneys and with mutual acceptance. In my state, it can take up to five weeks for your spouse to be served once you file for divorce. How can I relate to her during this time period? We have decisions to make about next year’s health insurance. We have a daughter that will be going to college soon. How can I play through all of this when our finances are going to be so radically effected by my actions?

I guess, as usual, I&#8217;m looking for words of wisdom here. I know that there are no easy answers. What I have a strong desire to do is sit down with my wife and explain to her what I am going to do. That because I have no respect for the reasons we are separated and her actions have caused me great pain, I must file for divorce. I have consulted four lawyers about this. They all have stated that neither of us has any special power over the other and it doesn&#8217;t matter who files first. Incidentally, all but one has told me that filing for adultery is a waste of time and money. I may get some short-range satisfaction, but in the end I will still wind up divorced and a lot lighter in the wallet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Always Hopeful,

This is my 2¢ ... you already on good hand of SH. Read the post about enablement and also read about codependency from that site. Listen, we are not hero and not all M worth the price to save them. Do what SH told you to file under adultery ... why ?, it is to bring A into the public !, she is in denial and you enable them by waiting. When you have done good plan A and your WS still rejecting you ... nothing you could do ... Filing is not for revenge, filing is to protect yourself and your sanity plus if you file under adultery, all dirty laundry will came out including bringing OW as a hostile witness !!!. This might save your M if she has the court telling her that is an adultery !.

Beside ... if our SO has other problem in their life, they have to sort that one out before they could work on M.

There is no right or wrong decision but a decision that you could live with.

-RH-

<small>[ October 08, 2002, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Thanks, RH.

Bump, please...

I like Red Hat's general advice.

To add my 2 pennies, seems like you are caught in a passive streak!! You've been waiting so long (which is good), that now that there seems to be no response to your excellent plan a; the eventuality of a divorce is looming ahead.

Problem is, you have idealistically set your boundaries with JenniJ, believing that you will never "give up."

If you haven't LB'd for 18 months, then what WOULD work??? Seems like you've done everything right, there's nothing wrong with calling an end and moving ahead with your life.

You said that you've been in contact EVERY DAY, then you probably haven't tried plan b, I'm not familiar with your story? I suspect that it may be very difficult for you to assert your boundaries. If so, then check out the book "Boundaries" on amazon.

Secondly, contrary to common sense, NOT being available all the time might bring her around. If SH said to divorce, then he prob. thinks that's the only option for you.. Some people miss what they can't have though, so not sure if you'd be better off in this situation, but something to think about.

And finally, JenniJ was talking very firmly about what SHE was going to do. I'm sure you've heard a million times that you can only control yourself. If you feel uncomfortable in filing for divorce and could never forgive yourself, then don't do it!!! But you cannot "make" your wife change. You can only work on yourself, which is what JenniJ was talking about, all her statements were "I" statements.

You are the one who gets to define your boundaries, very liberating and wonderful to know. JenniJ's letter was very inspiring, and I'm glad that you found those strong words of wisdom!! Use that letter as a format to define how you are going to act in this next phase of your R.

Yes, the shrewd thing to do might be to try another strategy, even divorce. But for those of us who are idealists, we have to follow our inner concience as well. Do what makes YOU feel like a worthwhile human being. Just know that no one on this earth would expect you to continue as-is, this current arrangement is not a long-term solution!!

BTW, there IS life after divorce, and there are women who will treat you wonderfully, hard to believe, but 100% fact. Sometimes we have to let go and let God. Jumping is hard, we only fly with faith.
-take care-
blueberry

<small>[ October 09, 2002, 06:07 AM: Message edited by: blueberryskies ]</small>