I am have never posted here but have read numerous posting from others and have found lots of information and comfort in knowing I am not alone. Dday for me was Memorial day weekend, and June 1st he moved out. After weeks of human torture, uncontrollable crying, no sleeping , thought of suicide, I by chance stubled onto this site and have been reading every night since then. I am not to computer smart so it took me a while to get the courage up to post here. I have read SAA by the Harleys and have got a lot from that also. My major question is How long is too long? I have been doing what I would consider a pretty good plan A, problem is my H seems to be really enjoying it and while having all the comforts of home and still continuing the A, I am getting burned out. I don't want to be his girlfiend I AM HIS WIFE of 14 years . At first he said it was over, but I feel that was because the OW was in our car with him at work one night I brought our kids up to his work to suprise him for lunch and I was the one suprised. Since then he has changed to he needs to work things out in his head.At first he said he as going to be gone (seperated) for 2-3 months, now we are going on 6 months with him living apart and he still controlls here and there and expects me to do EVERYTHING I did before Dday. Is there such a thing as being to nice. Do I need to set boundries ? or should i be moving to plan B. I am scared to but I can't keep living as if nothing has changed. He does not ever ant to talk abou the OW, or anything. Please respond I am running out of steam and I feel like soon I will start LBing things and I don't want to do that.

What a great question! I wonder the same thing. Have read all Dr. Harley's books and they say it may take awhile, but how long is THAT? I have been plan A'ing for nearly 2 years. H gets all his needs met, I get none. I worry that I will get lost, trying to become who H wants me to be. What ever happened to being accepted for who you are? H hates sweat pants and I haven't worn them in 1 1/2 years - I'd just about die to put on a pair of sweats! Good luck to you and keep trying! Remember this is the "for worse" part of the vows.

I am trying to hang in there. One thing cerri said in her post a couple days ago was something about waiting too long to go to plan B and I was not sure if that was what I have done. Although as he states all he doesn't do at home is sleep. But, duhhh he sleeps somewhere else so he can be what he calls INDEPENDANT. I can't believe he doesn' care that he went from seeing his boys everyday to once a week and me 2-3 times a week. But we talk daily on the phone and when he can't reach me he gives me the third degree as to here I have been and with who doing what...the nerve. That's why I think he is just enjoying this tooooo much.

When he's been "enjoying" having his cake and eat it too, it's been too long. When he can have a wife and a girlfriend and he has absolutely no consequences to face,it's been too long. When you have made positive changes and he's reaping the benefits with no inkling of recomitting to the marriage, it's been too long. When you are loosing your love for him and lovebusts are on the horizon,it's been too long.

Please read my post on "natural consequences"

Plan B is scary but the Harley plan has 2 parts to it. Don't neglect Plan B. You might want to read Venus Envy's post as well. It may give you some courage. Good luck to you!

mthrrhbard,

I've read "natural conseguences" very good post I guess I tend to get myself caught up in meeting all his needs with no LBing and was not considering the need to set boundries. My heart says one thing ( the kids and all ) my head says another and the battle begins. My real problem is my mother instinct sets in and I feel obligated to keep things as normal as possible for the kids, but some days it is all I can do to greet him with open arms, wondering if he just came from the OW's house and been with her. ALthough he tries to act as if she's isn't a part of his life with I know she is. So setting boundries, how steep?? including what so I don't confuse plan A with plan B.

Thanks for the input...
dw63

I think it totally depends on the situation, which is probably best evaluated by the Harleys.

I started my official Plan A back in May, which was 15months after WH left me for OW. I thought at the time, before I found MB that I was in a Plan A sort of mode, however I was not aware of Love Busters entirely.

With other sessions with Steve, I have found that my Plan A still had LB's in it, which can totally cancel out the effects, such as me being controlling, etc, I thought I was just trying to help WH understand things, but thats an LB.

I would suggest giving the Harleys a call, I know it is expensive, but I think it will be well worth the money to make sure you have the right game plan

In talking with one of the Harleys, you'd likely find them asking telling questions about your "energy level"... that's a very important factor in determining which plan you should best be in...

I know a lot of people want to bail on Plan A... and I totally agree about natural consequences... but it is a good idea to Plan A long enough to get your "changes noticed" so to speak. That means taking SOME time to feel doormatish (see BrambleRose's post).

That's another reason, I would guess, why they put most people in Plan A at the start of counseling - to make sure you're "doing it right" - i.e., no LB'ing, etc.

Basically, given that Plan B has risks, Steve has advised me in the past to stay in Plan A as long as I can... but there comes a point when you have to do what you have to do... if you're going to do Plan B, do it "right" - I didn't at first, and am paying for it now in some ways (although right now, I'm finding it very, very easy - possibly a "bad sign" for WW).

My opinion...

is to protect yourself and your kids. Are you meeting his need for sexual fulfillment. Then I'd ask how you "protect" yourself from the reality of STD's.
The other question I'd ask is what kind of a wife were you before he decided to have an affair? Were you controlling, nagging, outright neglectful of his needs? Had he asked before he did this for you to meet his needs better? Or does he tend to need his ego stroked and be selfish and put himself first? Makes a big difference in how you proceed.

If you were a "lousy" or "bad " wife then you have work to do in Plan A. However if you simply had your priorities a bit out of order but otherwise took care of him and worked reasonably hard to please him then there may be a lot less changes to make in Plan A and it might not take that long. You've been at this 6 months and he's loving it. You must ask yourself what motivation he has to change and how successful you've been in making you a better you.

I guess I really am not ready for plan B , I just hate the feeling of being controlled in a situation that I feel like I should have some controll over myself and when I try to set some kind of boundries they last a day and then they are gone. I want my marriage to work but it gets very upsetting to feel like your on your own to get there. My H can never give me a sraight answer and when I feel like I am finally getting my bearings another piece of the nasty puzzel is uprooted and thrown in my face. I have made changes in me as I feel was a big part of plan A but I can not get past of the feeling of puddy in my H hands, because I love him so much and he knows it and tells me he loves me very much , but keeps seeing the OW.

mthrrhbard,

My H and I had what most people including myself thought was a perfect marriage, as a matter of fact my sisters always said I did to much for my husband. We had just built our first home and he finally got the job he wanted and I started working part-time, so I could be with the kids we had from what I thought meeting each others needs.I was what I would call more in love with my h than the day we married (if possible). I was totally shocked to find out he was having an A.
with a co-worker. And was in even more shock when he said he didn't know who he wanted ( not in those exact words), because someone would get hurt( yea, me and his boys). He has noticed the changes in me, he has even commented on them, that is what is so hard for me to understand why he won't come home. That's why I asked the original question in my very first post because it's like what am I doing wrong???

How often do you tell your husband that his affair is hurting you?

If you are living apart then you have some boundaries to set. Do not let him control what goes on in your life and in your home. What do you mean that he expects you to do EVERYTHING you did before d-day? Does this mean SF? Does it mean his laundry? Do you cook for him? Just tell him that it’s best, since he is independent, that he do everything for himself. You are not his slave. Is he living with OW? Be very careful about SF with him.. I really don’t think it’s a good idea because of emotional and health risks.

As for him not wanting to talk about OW or anything. That’s ok, he has not agreed to recovery. There is no reason. But you can talk about it. You can tell him, without love busters, that his moving out and continuing his affair is hurting you beyond belief. Tell him this every time you see him. Tell him that every time you know he has seen her or is going to see her.

Yes there is such a thing as being too nice. From what you said you are being too nice.

When the affair and your Plan A’ing him has become a life style.. cakeman syndrome it’s time for Plan B. When you get to the point that you cannot hold back the love busters, it’s time for Plan B. If you don’t feel you are ready for that, then just start pushing your independence. Tell him that you are no longer going to behave as his wife in anyway, except not have affairs. Start pulling away from him.

Right now you are meeting so many of his needs. The OW is meeting others. He has it made. Why would he choose one of you over the other? He does not need to.

Have you read BrambleRose’s post on Plan A… it’s a must read. How to be a doormat in Plan A

<small>[ October 19, 2002, 11:42 PM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

I agree with Zorweb. It sounds to be time for Plan B. It is not unusual that the person having the affair was giving the least in the marriage. They were not as "invested" emotionally. It doesn't surprise me that your own sisters say you did too much for him. I also had that kind of a marriage and didn't Plan A without setting firm boundaries for more than a month. I simply told my H that I realized I needed to make some changes and went about doing just that but would not settle for sharing my H with OW.

That's what you are doing is "sharing" him with someone else. From your comments it's evident he wouldn't be willing to "share" you. He's already fretting about where you are and what you're doing when he can't track you down. I bet you'd do very well to tell him that you've had enough of "sharing" your H and that the pain is just too much and has gone on for too long. I went to a Parent's without Partners meeting and told my H that if I was going to parent alone and wasn't going to have a committed, participating H that I needed support from others who knew exactly what I was feeling. Shook him up quite a bit and helped him to make up his mind a lot faster.

He had no reason to change until he had something to loose. He may have had doubts about the marriage but he sure didn't want someone else to have me. He realized that if he didn't poop and get off the pot that I was well on my way to building a life for me and my kids all by myself.