I was pondering this thought and wondered, if I could say something constructive to OW and know that it would make its way past the fog and actually sink in, what would I say? I have so many thoughts but the most important one is that I love my husband very much and am trying to do whatever it takes to hold my marriage together.

If you could say absolutely anything (constructive, not obscene - please, this is a family site!!) to OW/OM, what would you say?

Brit's Brat/BS-41
WH-43
DS-11 1/2 months
Status: Never felt more lonely, but taking it one day at a time.

I wouldn't waste my breath.

After all, they know what they were involved in. And if they didn't understand, it would take too long to explain.

Dear Brit,
I have been following along with you for a while, not usually much to add, but this time i think i would say. TJ, I know you think you all are in love, however, he was in love with me long before he was "inlove" with you. Things change, I know i did my part to tear up my marriage. But basically im a good hearted, loving, moral person, who happens to be a great mom and also his partner in many things. You on the other hand are not. I will eventually win back the love of my H, and someday before God you will be accountable for your part in this as well. I really believe, we reap what we sow. Try planting flowers, not weeds. Because weeds will eventually choke out any flowers in your life.

(you know, i think this would be easier for me is the OW was at least, decent, i don't know, It has been a real hurdle for me to over come that he actually talked marriage with a stripper, married 5 time and living with # 6 and cheating with #7. how could he be so stupid to let this happen. Infact he put himself in this situation by making bad choices. Why oh Why do they do this.

<small>[ October 09, 2002, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

How's your wife (actually use her name) doing?

I'd love to see the expression on his face. Bet he'd have to change his pants.

I did say something to OW#1, in an email.

Actually.. here's what I wrote to her (after finding an email they sent to each other):

" I am very sorry to hear that you and H are still keeping in touch. He is well aware that all contact with you (and the other women) must end in order for he and I to work things out. I was told by him that he told that to you. That is obviously not the case. Yes, those are MY conditions.

If you care about he and I working things out (like he says you do), then be the bigger person here and please stop contacting H".

And this is what I got back:

"Hey listen... he told me that he told YOU that he is remaining friends with his friends! So do not blame me!!! If he chooses of his own free will not to be friends with me then all HE has to do is say so and not by email as it will more than likely be you playing your games once again... you will now be blocked from harrassing me via this method again!

GET A F*****G LIFE!!!!"

Needless to say, once H read her response, the fog cleared dramatically. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> It would have been nice if my email 'sank in' to that thick head of OW#1's... but the reality is, the fog will not allow for it. Reality is gone.

Karen

I did get to talk to the OW (twice) on the phone almost immediately after I found out - I spoke from the heart. At the time, I didn't know anything about her, and just thought that two people got caught up in some kind of "truelove" tragedy. Yeah, we can get caught up in fog, too, can't we? I told her that although I felt quite badly for her situation, she is 26 and should have known better than to get involved with a man who is in a committed relationship no matter what he says about his family or his unhappiness. I told her that I loved him, that she never saw his bad sides, that I was the one who took care of him when he was sick, etc. That they were both living some fantasy that was doomed to failure from the beginning since it was not built on a good foundation. That she needs to move on with her life and maybe get some therapy. I told her that she probably needs to talk with her mother about this. And that I did feel her pain, but that I loved him much more than she ever could. She told me that in the same situation she wasn't sure if she would be as understanding as me. Now, this was the first conversation. The second one I was much less understanding, and basically told her that it was over, get some therapy, and then she said she wanted to talk to my H again to say goodbye. I said, okay, this is like the 4th time you have said goodbye - make it real this time, okay, babe? (okay, I didn't say babe...)

That was the last time I talked to her.

However, apparently she has since called my H several times after that, including once last Thursday, the day before our counseling session with our new therapist. He has admitted to I think 3 or 4 phone calls, but we will have to see how many times she has really called - (I found a way to break into his on-line bill through Verizon... without a password)

Hey....did you get your GED yet?

I too said many 'unconstructive' things to OW... the most effective was a blackmail tag line along the lines of I know what you did last summer (does your H?)...

I find it amusing that she could tell me that SHE was NOT the problem in my DHs relationship w/ me... but in the END, I stood in the way of their relationship... and she just wanted MEout of her life... hmmm...

I don't think that WE can ever say anything to blow away the fog from OP... we can only pray that the right person w/ the right information is put in their path and that they have the eyes to see and the ears to hear...

Cali

If I had the chance to talk to OW now (I did early on after d day..) I would say, Contrary to what you think, you will never have the kind of relationship my husband and I have. It is based on reality, good and bad, and we have survived it. Your relationship with him was based on lies and deceit and fantasy. That can't go on forever. The love I share with my husband will out last your fantasy with him hands down, horseface!!!! (no I would leave out the horseface).

KS,
Can you tell me how to get into the cell phone bill? If so, I will send you my email address. Thanks.

Constructive?? Hmm. Let me think.

I'd probably tell her to grow up!!

It wasn't a love thing...it was a "go out with the gang from work, get drunk, talk about how life sucks, and let's get a room" thing. She and her boyfriend cheat on each other regularly...I'd tell her that she needs to examine her relationship and her morals, and work on her own relationship...she doesn't need to get a temporary fix by seducing men who are spoken for. OW is, like 31 or 32...but acts like she is 19 or 20. Grow up.

I wouldn't give them the time of day. Besides if I spoke with them in person I would probably do something stupid. Then again everyone that does know about my wife's(WS)wrong doing would also want to give the other guy a piece of their mind also.
Chris is right why even waste your breath? It is not worth using any oxygen up with talking to them...

I've actually talked with OW - right after DDay 2.5 years ago - we had two long conversations.

But NOW - after finding out she has lied BIG TIME (telling my H that her H was tragically killed, but in fact they were separated) I'd say....um...er....I think I would know what to say. I'd be at a loss for words...umm...yah - I guess I wouldn't waste my breath!

If I had the chance to speak to the OM I would make it a very structured interview with specific questions designed to help me improve my marriage. I would ask my W to edit and approve the questions. I would let the OM know that I will listen carefully without making any disrespectful judgements. I would also record the conversation to help avoid interpretation errors.

1) I would basically ask OM to give me his answers to the ENQ.

2) I would ask him to give me how he thinks my W would answer the ENQ.

3) Same for LBQ

Yeah, actually it only works with Verizon. Go to the login page. https://www.verizonwireless.com/
and choose login. Click on "Forgot your password?" This brings you into a page where you type in his cell phone number and the last 4 digits of his social security number, and the zip code you get the bill (like we all know that, right?) Then this brings you into a new menu where you need to type in username, password and email address. At this point, the password and email address do not matter, but UNCHECK "send me information". I always use the last 4 digits of the SS number as the password. When you check submit - it brings you right into an area where you can look at the current bill or whatever bill for the past 6 months. It has helped me figure out a HUGE DEAL. Basically, the phone calls went from a few minutes a day several months ago to about an hour and half at the end. The day after I found out, (and told him to END IT or LOSE ME) he talked to her for 7 and half hours! Holy cow! I then tracked every single conversation with her. When he told me that he finally ended it, I could see the phone calls come to a dead stop, with only one or two phone calls during that two week period, (and they were incoming!) So now, I am waiting for the bill from 9/10 to 10/10 so I can really see what happened. I think there really must not be much contact though, because he seems to be completely out of the fog... we will see!!

What I would want to say to the OW: Get fixed!

What I actually said to the OW when she told me that I would never be like her.

"You are right, I would never want to be like you."

OW got a bit miffed..... it was good to shut her up.... she is a constant talker. H was with me when I said it, he laughed. She didn't. Oh well, can't please them all! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I passed the fogese 101 class with that retort!!! LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

TrueSelf, why would you EVER want someone competing for your wife's affections to have Clue #1 about Emotional Needs?

We haven't spoken for many years.

Today, I would say ....

"I sincerely pray that whatever hurts you suffered growing up have been healed, and the future choices you make uplift your soul and bring you closer to God. "

pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi!

I'd just tell OW not to stick everything in her mouth and she should go and rinse it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I'd also tell her that I know all her secrets and that my H hates the "champayne number" she did on him. It burns!!!! I'd have to mention that she used the wrong kinda champayne and that the next time she does that she could use the one we always use, but she should try that with her own H.
Oh and I'd tell her I'd rather have "great sex" instead of NO SEX at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
I'd only tell her these things because while she was having an affair with my H, she would always joke around and make all sorts of comments. She once told me "I'd rather have bad sex, instead of No sex!"
She would always say these kinda things when the 4 of us were out together. OW+OWH
my H and I. My H never said a word. But she would always "tease us" with her comments and neither OWH nor did I know that my H and her were having an affair.

She was laughing right into our faces and she was really having fun.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> then I'd give her a swift kick in the &ss!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry you guys, I'm normally not like this. I've actually forgiven her and I hope she has learned a few things about life. My fantasy seemed to get away with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Please forgive.
bb