I started a new topice after reading extreme's reply to my lunch buddy question. Thank you extreme. You have made me think. The things you say will happen scare me becaue I dont want them to happen. At the same time I enjoy the feelings I get by having this friend at work. That is the emotional affair, right?

I have not gone to lunch with her for two weeks after getting reponses from the board. She talked to me yestyerday and I kind of got some of this stuff on the table.

By the way, I have told my wife about this woman. That I have had lunch with her. Not what the woman said how I made her feel. I know that is a lie, then.

The woman at work said she has a good life with her husband and family and does not want to damage it or change it at all or replace anything. But she said that my friendship with her has connected her again with a part of herself. She likes that and says I make her a better person.

I have found that I am really happy at home, part of it might be from the feelings I get from this woman.

What is the danger of an emotional affair? I know that may sseem to be a dumb question. I can't see who I am huirting or who she is hurting by becoming close friends like this. There are moral issues, I know. But whre are the practical pitfals? I can see all kinds of problems with a phyusical affair.

I know I am saying I want it all. Good home life, which I have, and a good friend at work, which I have.

I dont believe that an emotional affair has to end up in bed. I am not intersted in sex with her. She is not interested in that with me.

I aske these questoin not to stir up anger but to try and figure things out.

But I have taken your advice and not gone to lunches for several weeks.

Cautious,

DO YOU NOT GET IT???

Please, please, please, listen to us, YOU ARE IN DENIAL"!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
<strong>By the way, I have told my wife about this woman. That I have had lunch with her. Not what the woman said how I made her feel. I know that is a lie, then.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then why not tell your W about the details of the conversations during your lunches? Why not tell your W about MB? Let her read what you've written. Give her some warnings, and let her read here. It may be easier to have her read what you wrote than to actually 'say' what has been on your mind.

If my H were to come to me (prior to MB) and say, "btw, I'm having lunch with 'ow' every day, is that okay with you?"... I'd have no problem with it, whatsoever. HOWEVER, if he were to add, "and we've discussed our friendship, and really enjoy our time together, and promise that we won't endulge ourselves and have an affair". Then THAT is a different story!

All that we ask of you, is to be RADICALLY HONEST with your W. If you can't do that, then quite frankly, you are doomed for a not so happy M. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Think of it this way: If you just tell your W the details, then the issue will be over and done with. If your W thinks it's okay that you have lunch with this woman (ONLY IF SHE KNOWS ALL OF THE DETAILS), then go back to it, by all means.

Off the lunches topic: What are you W's EN's? And what are you doing to meet them?

Karen

Karen, you asked about my wife's EN. I don't know all of them, but we are having a great marriage right now. Very happy. Traveling together, good sex life, friends.

I am not some unhappy guy out looking to meet women. The woman at work is in a good marriage also. Goes out with her husband each weekend. Home every night. Talks to him on the phome each day.

This would make more sense to me if I was a boozer or wife was a naag or she was having problems at home. But there is nothing bad going on in our lives.

There is not lust eiather with this woman. I dont feel like taking her to bed or anything like that. that is why I am confused becuae it seems like only good things can come from an emotional affair

Go back and read everything that has been told to you so far. Then go and read everything on this site. You are already in an emotional affair! If you believe it does no harm then don't visit here because you would have no reason to keep coming back.

I understand your view on an emotional affair, and how it could be seen as a good thing. But the fact of the matter is, if you're putting time and energy into this friendship... then you are not putting that same time into your M. Obviously, time and energy that goes towards anything OUTSIDE of the M, is NOT going INTO the M.

If all is well in your M, as you say it is, then that is wonderful! At the same time, there shouldn't be any more reason for you to post about this OW.

How about abiding by the MB principles, and living by them, and sharing your experiences with us, and how your M has become better? There are SO MANY people on here (those who post and those who just read) that could use some encouragement on how to make a M better, and more fulfilling, the MB way.

And as far as knowing what your W's EN's are... just print out the questionnaires, and BOTH you and your W can fill them out together. If your W is a typical woman (like myself...lol), then she'll LOVE the idea of her man wanting to fill out relationship quizzes together!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

You asked for the practical pitfalls. Since my wife had at least three EA's, the last of which became a PA, I have thought about this a lot. When we looked back throught he MB "lens", we could see how the EA's led to her PA. The primary practical fallout, for us, was that she was getting her two most important EN's and part of #3 met by her EA partner(s). Therefore, since I was meeting the rest of her EN's, she was happy with her life, even though she felt disconnected from me. Her EA's masked her unhappiness with our relationship, so it was never dealt with. Meanwhile, our emotional distance grew. She felt distant from me, which made her less willing and interested in meeting my EN's. It drained energy from our relationship and directed it elsewhere. I was too conflict-avoiding to deal with most of the resulting problems in our relationship, so she never knew how dis-satisfied I really was. She assumed that I could not fill her top two EN's, so she never really asked me to, and never even admitted to herself how important they were to her.

Print out four copies of the ENQ. Give two to your friend at work, and tell her to take it with her husband. You take yours w/ your wife. I bet you will have a few surprises, and so will your friend. Which EN's is your friend meeting for you?

For more on EA's, read: Emotional Infidelity

<small>[ October 09, 2002, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

cautious,

Please save youself and your family the extreme pain everyone will feel, put a stop to it at once. That's how my H's A started, they were friends first. And now after d-day 03-21-01, we are still struggling. We may even split up all because of a friendship!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please........... Stop...........

lost

Lost... OMG we share d-day's 3-21-01....

I started a new topice after reading extreme's reply to my lunch buddy question. Thank you extreme. You have made me think. The things you say will happen scare me becaue I dont want them to happen. At the same time I enjoy the feelings I get by having this friend at work. That is the emotional affair, right?

I have not gone to lunch with her for two weeks after getting reponses from the board. She talked to me yestyerday and I kind of got some of this stuff on the table.

By the way, I have told my wife about this woman. That I have had lunch with her. Not what the woman said how I made her feel. I know that is a lie, then.

The woman at work said she has a good life with her husband and family and does not want to damage it or change it at all or replace anything. But she said that my friendship with her has connected her again with a part of herself. She likes that and says I make her a better person.

I have found that I am really happy at home, part of it might be from the feelings I get from this woman.

What is the danger of an emotional affair? I know that may sseem to be a dumb question. I can't see who I am huirting or who she is hurting by becoming close friends like this. There are moral issues, I know. But whre are the practical pitfals? I can see all kinds of problems with a phyusical affair.

I know I am saying I want it all. Good home life, which I have, and a good friend at work, which I have.

I dont believe that an emotional affair has to end up in bed. I am not intersted in sex with her. She is not interested in that with me.

I aske these questoin not to stir up anger but to try and figure things out.

But I have taken your advice and not gone to lunches for several weeks.

you asked about my wife's EN. I don't know all of them, but we are having a great marriage right now. Very happy. Traveling together, good sex life, friends.

The very fact that you want to spend time with this woman, the very fact that she can get to you on some emotional level means that your emotional needs are not all being met. The problem is that no one person can meet 100% of another person’s emotional needs 100% of the time. So we are all slightly vulnerable, sometimes more then another times.

You can also be assured that as good as thing are with you and your wife she has the same vulnerabilities.

A legit question is, how would you feel if your wife was telling another man what this women is telling you… about making her feel good? And how would you feel if you wife felt the way you do about another man? Would it hurt your feelings?

I am not some unhappy guy out looking to meet women. The woman at work is in a good marriage also. Goes out with her husband each weekend. Home every night. Talks to him on the phome each day.

The problem with and emotional affair

It gives another women a chance to start meeting some of your emotional needs, the needs your wife is suppose to be meeting.

The reason you feel better at home when you have spent time with OW is that more of your needs are met.

Now comes the problem. When you allow OW to meet some of your needs, Some things happen..

the first is that now your wife cannot meet that need… it is full and there is no opportunity for your wife it meet it, so it shuts your wife out. You no longer need your wife in that area.

A second is that, because it’s easier to deal with OW, because you and she have no responsibilities you are trying to juggle together you will more then likely start looking to her to fill more and more of your EN’s.

A third is that as you get your needs met elsewhere, you will stop meeting as many of you wife’s needs.. your reduced interaction with her ensures this.

A and then you will start gravitating more and more to OW and away from you wife. You will stop depending on your wife. You will stop communicating your needs to her. She will be under the false impression that she is doing a good job as a wife but in reality she cannot because there is little left for her to do.

It’s a downward spiral that slowly, or quickly depending on the affair, erodes even the best marriage.

An example, if your lunches with OW fill your needs for admiration and conversation, you will stop seeking that with your wife. Not only will you wife no longer be filling your needs, but you will no longer be filling hers. You cannot be adequately filling your wife’s needs if your energies are going elsewhere.

You will eventually shut your wife out totally so that she can no longer met your needs, your connection to her will be lost. There is also the concern that, while you and OW know the full score, your wife does not. So she cannot even start to understand that there is a problem and address it until it’s far too late. There will come a day when your wife realizes the extent of your relationship with the OW. It usually happens. On that day your wife’s love and respect for you will be seriously challenged. If your marriage is recovered, it will be years before the chasm between you will be repaired.

There are many women in this world who could fill your emotional needs. There is only one woman who you should allow to do that.. your wife.

This would make more sense to me if I was a boozer or wife was a naag or she was having problems at home. But there is nothing bad going on in our lives.
Despite what the popular idea of why an affair starts, the real reason is simply opportunity. Men and women are, my nature, meant to bond. You are allow yourself to bond to another women. And she to you. It’s that simple.

What extreme told you in her reply is exactly what every one else has told you in as many ways as they can think of. Sure some of us have lost our patience at times.. that’s reasonable given your lack of true responding. But you are being told the same thing over and over by everyone. Extreme says that she is psychic. I’m not sure I’d call myself psychic but I also have an uncanny ability to see beyond the present. And to see through the obvious. It’s a little scary some times. I see exactly what she sees. It’s there in one of my earlier posts to you. I don’t have the dates like she does, but I see the same progression at about the same rate. I also do not see your wife taking you aback. Don’t know why, I just don’t. She’s going to find it very hard to forgive you. Why do you think I’ve been goating you so hard? I’m trying to reach you so I can get you to listen, really listen to every one. They have a clue. They have been through the hell you are entering.

Something I tell my kids when they start getting attracted to doing something wrong… and they ask, why is it wrong? It seems harmless and fun. My response is that that devil (evil, what ever you want to call it) does not care how he has to entice you to do wrong/evil, he cares only that the end result is that you do evil. Then he has won. He often uses very innocent, good people as his tools. Sometimes he plies them with good feelings and pleasure; sometimes he works to misguide them to think what they are going is good despite the basic evil of it (as in vigilantly justice).

You are in control of this. If you do not want to loose you family, Stop it NOW.

Are you ready to loose your wife? That is the real question. It is not if it’s ok to have a ‘friend’. The question is do you value your wife and your marriage enough to protect them? To keep them?

I am sorry for the path you have chosen so far, you can stop it now. You may not get that chance later.

There is not lust eiather with this woman. I dont feel like taking her to bed or anything like that. that is why I am confused becuae it seems like only good things can come from an emotional affair

Lust or romantic sexual love grows as a person meets your emotional needs. There will come a time when she will be meeting enough of your needs, and you hers that the lust/romance will come.

By the way, I have told my wife about this woman. That I have had lunch with her. Not what the woman said how I made her feel. I know that is a lie, then.

Go home tonight and tell your wife everything. Tell her of the conversations, their content, about your posts on this web site. Share every bit of this secret with her. Opening up can put an end to it.

I have found that I am really happy at home, part of it might be from the feelings I get from this woman.
My counselor told me that the reason affairs are so addictive is that it’s the first and only time in a persons’ life when all of their needs are being met. She says that the spouse and the OP become as one, each filling ½ of the WS’s needs. It’s a wonderful thing for the WS. That is why it’s so hard to give up. These are unrealistic expectations… no one person can fill all your needs.

Perhaps good things come for you, but not for your wife. Tell me one good thing that comes to your marriage from this emotional affair?

Dear Cautious,

Like you I thought I had a great marriage. We thought alike, we had the same values, My h was loving, called every day at work, had great sex, then we hit a dry spot. Too many family pressures on my side. Young attractive female just left husband goes to work with my h. She needs cheering up, has cute kids, gal friday for my h. On one hand wife with sick family, on other hand gal just glad to be at work and have such a good friend. A year later we are separated. They are such excellent friends that she knows more about my h than me. So don't think that it won't hurt anyone. Just ask my kids. Or you can be like my h who because he hasn't slept with anyone won't recognize that he is having an affair. It is just gossip created by everyone who visits the office.

Zorweb,

Thanks so much for your post! It really gave me some valuable insight into MY situation that I'd not understood before. The key question being: why did my WH always tell me he felt more loving towards me with the OW in his life? I could NEVER understand that, but because I could see that he 'appeared' to be more loving, I'd doubt my instinct about the friendship YET AGAIN, and try to believe him. Your response that he's happier at home after spending time with OW because now ALL his needs are being met is dead on! Now I understand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I FINALLY understand that THAT is why it always felt wrong to me, false somehow. Even tho he 'appreared' happier and more loving, I somehow instinctively realized that not only was it NOT ABOUT ME, but that it was DEFINITELY about MORE THAN SIMPLE FRIENDSHIP. Thanks so much for that insight, and all the others. I will reread your post a few times. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thank you, thank you, thank you! It's such a relief when some of the fog finally clears. Take care.

Natasha,

It was not about you and it was not about OW. It was about him having his needs met like never before… that is why an affair is pure selfishness. And that is why few of them last to grow into permanent relationships. When a relationship is about what a person gets only, and not about what they give also, it has no future.

Glad it made sense…..

Cautious,

Like Zorweb said, the 2 women are as one to you. It takes two of them to make you complete. So if you look at it at another angle, you are a 1/2 a man in the emotional sense. You are not content with your manhood for some reason. It seems like you need something else in your life to validate it.

Pour some of that extra energy into your wife instead of your work buddy. Call your wife more often during the day, email her more often, THINK about YOUR WIFE more often. I can only see positive results when you do this!

Robert

bobbalou

you are a 1/2 a man in the emotional sense.

yes, yes… that’s it. Because the WS no longer needs the BS for 100% of their needs, they also give less….. or become ½ a man/woman in the emotional sense to their spouse. Many BS describe the WS as being emotionally withdraw, distracted. That is a lot of the reason why. They sense, it is usually not consciously, that the half of the WS is no longer with them. That is why a person usually knows when their spouse is cheating.

RUN!!

My H, a strong Catholic who spent a year in the seminary, told me he was attracted to OW but could handle it, he told me when she propositioned him but could handle it, and he agreed to stop seeing her when I insisted.

So what happened? Well, he kept seeing her because he wanted to and I didn't want him to, and it became sexual. I was so upset about the EA that had ended (by then it was a PA but I believed my H who was denying anything but an EA), and he insisted I go to therapy. That happened in November. In December, I needed surgery. He was stressed to the max because the 2 pre-schoolers had to go to emergency child care because I could not lift them, I had a hysterectomy along with other surgery and hysterectomies make you more emotional, and it was just too much for him on top of his lying about an affair. The result? When I threatened to call OW, he broke my arm.

I needed surgery for that three days after Christmas -- 1 1/2 hours under general anathesia -- and then was in a cast or splint until April.

Pretty dramatic -- and why? Because he got caught in a lie and couldn't or didn't get out and everything went to h..ll.

You know what? He had to drop out of the church choir to go to anger management classes, and now he is out of the house. And for what? He says now the pain and shame are far greater than any pleasure he got. To boot, I said nothing about the December 17 broken arm to anyone until the May 4 d-day so my family is done with him no matter what I decide because they are so upset that he would hurt me especially when I was in such bad shape, just out of the hospital with a catheter bag, take Cipro for a urinary tract infection, and on pain pills, taking stool softeners, etc. Oh yeah, he told his mother on the phone on May 5, she told her H who was in a nursing home, and within 3 days his health deteriorated dramatically. He died on May 17. My story wouldn't be believable as a soap opera!

Don't go down the path -- please.

Oh yeah -- the innocent victims: ages 8, 6, 3, and 1. If our grandchildren know anything about us, they'll probably know about this dramatic time, even if our marriage survives.

Duh. Read Torn Asunder then come back, after you have woken up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...you asked about my wife's EN. I don't know all of them, but we are having a great marriage right now. Very happy. Traveling together, good sex life, friends. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Congratulations, Cautious.

You have docked with the mother ship quite well.

The part about the "great marriage"?....

BULLHOCKEY!

Answer this. Can your W have lunch with you? How possible is it for her to do that? If she can, then you SHOULD be with HER.

Plain and simple.

I too, Cautious, had what I thought was a great marriage. One that was 14 years long. My WW and I did everything together. Liked the same activities. The same music. The same places to eat. We did EVERYTHING together. Went somewhere together EVERY weekend.

In 14 years we were only apart for ONE night. That was because I couldn't get a flight for her on short notice. I had driven to where we were going ahead of time.

Guess what, Cautious? She is now on her second OM. She was in an A for almost 3 years. I never knew. She met him at her sister's house. He was a friend of her sister's husband.

It all started as occasional "being sociable" chatting.

She left me for him.

He didn't hold up to his end of the bargain, though. Left her holding the bag, and wouldn't leave his BS. Now, she is so screwed up that she moved in with OM #2 just 2 WEEKS after her and OM #1 split!

That's what the bullcrap that you are doing can cause.

Is it worth the risk? Wanna walk in MY shoes, and feel MY feelings for a day or two?

Didn't think so.

Cautious, sure there is the possibility that nothing would ever become of your lunches. But there is a GREAT risk of the lunches as you describe them, of going a whole lot farther than you anticipate. You have heard that plainly from everyone here. Can you go back through ANY post and see otherwise? Are you the kind that has to ram their head into the wall before you realize that it is painful? You say that your brother is going through a divorce. Do you see his pain? Are you wanting to experience it as well? Part of me is wanting to know the particulars of his sitch, because, for some reason, I think it is related to your way of thinking.

You are on your way, my friend, to a place where you do not want to be.

Here it is in a nutshell, cautious.....

You are deciding to take odds that are stacked against you, and risk destroying your WIFE'S life for your own selfish satisfaction.

YOU DO NOT HAVE THE D@MN RIGHT TO SUBJECT HER TO THAT, WITHOUT HER CONSENT!

It is obvious come h3ll or high water that you are intent on satisfying your emotions, and are willing to risk hers.

I think she needs to see that side of you.

You remind me of people in my job that call me in the middle of the night to help them fix a problem. I would ask for them to tell me the facts associated with the problem, and then analyze it and recommend how to fix it.

It would make me cringe when immediately they would respond "I really don't think that is the problem."

Then what the h3ll are you calling and waking me up for, if you do not want my opinion? I finally said that to them a couple of times and hung up. They got the point.

Are you going to?

Why do you come here and tell us the facts, ask for our experienced opinions, and then try to tell us that WE are wrong?

Sheez....

You will undoubtedly "get it", when you no longer "have it".

HCII

<small>[ October 09, 2002, 09:25 PM: Message edited by: hcii ]</small>

Cautious,

Let me give you some statistics. 45% of all men and women have affairs. Affairs occur in 60% of all marriages. About 75% of all BS (betrayed spouses) have secondary affairs. Why do the BS's have secondary affairs even if 98% of all marriages in which affairs occur recover from the affairs? Even if the BS never finds out aboutt the affair, she/he will have one as it chagnes the dynamics of the marriage. Because the BS is hurt to such a deep extent that their lives and their self esteem are damaged for months, even years. Sometimes, actually most time, they even try an affair to see if it fixes things. It usually does not. It only makes things worse.

You are having an affair. There is a 75% chance that your wife, yes your wife will be having one soon too. You don't think she will? Well she never thought you would either.

And there is a 55% chance that she will find a man who is better than you.. an man who will not cheat on her. It's may very well be worth her while.

Are you ready to loose your wife?

<small>[ October 09, 2002, 10:03 PM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

Cautious,
...something I came across whilst educating myself about infidelity. This article applies to you. Please note that this will be the last time I post on your threads; because you don't seem to 'listen'. ...read this, then come back to MB when you are ready to do the work it takes to make a M work.

"10 Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity

Keeping members of the opposite sex out of your intimate way is crucial to the success of marriage. In today’s world, it takes focus and planning. Consider the following ten rules of avoiding potentially damaging relationships with members of the opposite sex.

Rule 1: Keep It All Business at the Office

What’s integral to your job and what’s not? You certainly want cordial relationships with all your colleagues. However, being cordial means inquiring of a colleague how her sick mom is doing and how her daughter’s birthday party was. It doesn’t mean chatting for a half hour and laughing about his recent trip to Egypt. Keep conversations that aren’t strictly related to business short and sweet. A person rarely talks to you for any length of time unless you hold up your end of the conversation.

Rule 2: Avoid Meetings with Members of the Opposite Sex Outside of the Workplace

If you have to work together through lunch or dinner, order food into the office rather than go out. Restaurants are far more intimate than your office, and you are much more likely to discuss issues outside of business when you’re on the outside. When you do finish a project, avoid the celebratory coffee, drinks, or dinner. Celebrate with your husband or wife at home instead. Share with your partner how much energy this project took. Let your mate into your life more rather than cutting him or her out by bonding a little more with your colleague. You don’t owe your colleague dinner or the reward of friendship because you worked together. If someone at the office cracks open the champagne for the group, by all means, join in the toast, but don’t linger. Congratulate everyone on a job well done, but make it clear where your attention and allegiance lie by explaining that you have a date with your spouse.

When you do have to meet outside the office, make the meeting in a public place that isn’t conducive to intimacy. Avoid long car rides, as the close physical proximity and inability to leave one another begs for idle chatter and potential intimacy.

Rule 3: Meet in Groups

When meeting with members of the opposite sex, try to avoid meeting alone. The addition of even one extra person greatly minimizes any potential for intimacy. Even if it means asking a coworker to tag along for no other reason but to make sure the meeting stays focused on business, it’s worthwhile. Group meetings also send the message to others that we’re here for a particular goal and then we’re through. People hold back from intimacy in a group both because they’re naturally more cautious about sharing and because they’re not sure if what they have to say will interest the whole group.

Rule 4: Find Polite Ways of Ending Personal Conversations

Learn to bow out gracefully from conversations that you feel are too intimate for comfort. If you feel someone is sharing personal information that is likely to draw you into a more intimate relationship, end the conversation politely. For example, say something like, “This sounds very serious, and I just don’t know what to say. I surely don’t feel comfortable giving advice on such an important issue. If I were you, I’d talk to someone who really knows me well, or even consider talking to a clergy person or counselor to air out my thoughts.” In this way you’ve referred the person to others who could be more of help and made sure you won’t become the shoulder to lean on.

Rule 5: Avoid Consistency in the Relationship

You’d think from these rules that I’ve never carried on more than a forty-five-second conversation with a female since my marriage. Yet I’ve had plenty of conversations with personal content. I just don’t have them consistently. To tell a colleague about the great time you had on your vacation or to listen to her go on about hers for a while is fine, as long as it ends there and as long as such conversations unrelated to business are inconsistent. What you want to avoid are regular, ongoing personal conversations in which you’re developing themes, favorite topics, or a continuing dialogue. Relationships need time and consistency to build. Having an occasional laugh is safe, as long as it stays rare.

Rule 6: Don’t Share Your Personal Feelings

When you do find yourself engaged in conversation with a member of the opposite sex, share little of your personal experience or feelings. This curtails the other person’s ability to relate to you. This doesn’t mean you can’t be polite or helpful. If your colleague shares with you that he’s learning to scuba dive, you could ask him how it’s going and if he’s enjoying it without sharing that it’s been your personal dream to do the same for years. If you feel the need to share that feeling, tell your spouse that night instead about how you were talking to someone who’s begun lessons and that you’re frustrated that you haven’t found the time to do it.

Rule 7: Be Unflinchingly Honest with Yourself

Sometimes people convince themselves that it can even help their marriage to express some sexual energy through “innocent” flirtatious conversations: “Hey, I’m not going to do anything, so where’s the harm?” However, ask yourself how uncomfortable you’d be if your spouse found a similar method of “improving” your marriage. Be aware of whether you are ever feeling the slightest twinge of intimacy or attraction, whether sexually or emotionally. Consider honestly why you’re looking forward to the next time you meet up again with that person. Be truthful if you have a little bounce in your step as you walk away from a conversation with him or her, or you suddenly have a little more energy after it. Think your flirtation is so innocent? Test yourself: Would you tell your spouse? If you tell yourself that your interaction with a certain person of the opposite sex is fine, ask yourself if your spouse would agree.

Rule 8: Avoid Cordial Kisses and Hugs, or Dancing with Members of the Opposite Sex

This may sound extreme, but with even one kiss comes a certain intimacy. Even a cordial hello kiss can be quite a sensual experience. Most often, a simple handshake will do. In the psychoanalytic community, there are clear guidelines that prohibit physical contact, even with same-sex patients. This is not only because of the fear that a sympathetic hug might lead somewhere sexually but because a simple hug immediately changes the relationship and can confuse the perception of both parties. If you ever need a polite excuse for avoiding a kiss or dance, explain that you have a cold and fear it’s contagious. You can always clasp the shaker’s hand with both hands to indicate extra warmth without introducing intimate touch. I realize that it’s become common to hug and kiss even business associates. I join with Miss Manners in disapproving of this unnecessary intimacy.

Rule 9: Don’t Drink Around the Opposite Sex

When we drink alcohol, we lose our inhibitions and clarity. I’m not talking just about the kind of dead drunk that’ll get you into bed when you don’t want to, or aren’t thinking straight (although I’m skeptical how much decision making we lose from drinking—after all, I’ve never heard a heterosexual husband say, “Really, honey, I don’t remember anything except waking up the next morning to find him in my bed”). Even a single glass of wine or shot of scotch is enough to relax you and lead to a more personal conversation that may be damaging to your marriage at a later time. It’s these conversations that leave a door open for later intimacy. If you’re at a party and really want to join in the festivities, plant yourself next to your spouse.

Rule 10: Show Your Commitment to Your Spouse Daily

Do something thoughtful for your spouse every single day. This could be a lovely note, a phone call, or a more elaborate effort to plan a getaway. Doing something for your spouse reminds you throughout the day how special this person is to you. Focus on the kind things your spouse has done for you, and remember that relationships take effort and time to grow. Have lots of photos of your spouse, kids, and pets around the office as a visual reminder to you and others of your priorities. Even when I’m staying in a hotel for one night, I place two or three photos of my wife and family around the hotel room. I don’t need the photos to avoid an affair. But I do need to be cloaked in love, and photos can help me focus on how much love I have in my life even when my family is far away."