A question, H is a very non jealous type of individual.

For example a friend of his made an overt sexual pass at me while I was out with girlfriends one night. I told him about it and he was angry for a short period of time- but over the last couple of months has made periodic plans to go out of town with this man and his wife. Hello, I am not comfortable with this man, but my H is- Why?

Now the real question. (My H is the WS) I was able to leave work for a while today and run an errand, I had told my husband I had no breaks, I saw him in town as I was heading back to work. When I get home I told him what had happened which allowed me to leave. His reply "Oh, I just thought you were having lunch with your boyfriend" I told him you really thought that and yet you are showing no signs of anger or anything toward me. His reply, "well if you are there's nothing I can do about it"

I replied "You don't care if I have a boyfriend?" He replied yes I do, but there's nothing I can do.

Putting the shoe on the other foot, If I thought he still had a "girlfriend" I would be consumed with anger etc etc.

What does this mean? I feel he doesn't care or love me enough for it to really "get" to him.

Your opinions please

bump-

Okay now I know somebody out there has an opinion <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hmm, maybe his A has changed his perspective... made him realize the lack of control that exists over someone else - hence his comment about not liking it (which you should take to heart, I guess), yet not being able to do anything about it.

Or he could just be hiding his real jealousy well... testing you a bit... we have seen stranger things!

K-9
First let me start with a disclaimer that I don't know your personal story, but I have heard the same questions before, so that's why I am responding.

I had little warning bells ringing while I was reading...and of course, I truly hope I'm wrong, but is it possible he is involved with someone again?

If you were having (or there was suspicion created about having)an A, he could justify his actions of having one himself. Therefore, putting you with Creep #1 could give him a reason.
Not caring where you are, or if you have a b/f could also be translated to "do what you want, that will let me do what I want (an A)".

Maybe he wants to push you to see how far you'd go if presented the opportunity. To see if you were as weak as he was.

On the other hand, maybe he just doesn't know how to act around you right now, and is kind of feeling his way a little at a time. I hope this is what is going on.

Has your husband always been a passive type of personality? How far into recovery are you? Are y'all seeing a MC?

Disclaimer again...this is just an opinion, and if it doesn't fit your situation then please ignore it!

I just talked to my H about your post. He thinks your H's views could be:

a) your H doesn't think you would ever have a bf.

b) he's using this as a go-ahead to have another A of his own (if you can have one, then he can have one too).

It's difficult to put into words, the 10 minute conversation that my H and I had over your post. I do know, that my H admitted that if I were to be involved with an OM, then his first reaction would be definite anger (especially b/c of what we've already been through). And you already know, that your H has shown anger for an A type situation, after his friend (? for lack of a better word ?) made a pass at you.

My opinion, is that your H just wasn't thinking about his comment to you. He just still doesn't "get it". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I remember when I used to be able to joke with my H about 'being with my boyfriend while you were out'. But that is SO NOT THE WAY to talk now. I cringe when (if) I hear any friends of mine talk that way to their respective mates. And actually, being hurt as I have been, I give them hell for talking like that, b/c it's no joke!

If I were you, I'd be focusing on dealing with why your H is still involved with the man who made a pass at you. Has he confronted him? Does this man's W know? How would your H feel if the tables were turned? ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> dare I say he might be FLATTERED??? and that's why he's not dealing with it??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ).

What did this 'friend' of your H's do, specifically, when you say he made a "sexual pass" at you?

Karen

Hey K9love!

Good to see you! I've been watching for you on the boards. Sorry I missed your first post in this thread.

In your last thread, where you asked for a visit with me you expressed an interest in chatting more privately and I offered up an email address for you but I don't know if you ever saw it because I haven't seen you around since.

If you're still interested, you can email me at iloveulove7@hotmail.com. I don't check that email address everyday but I do check it regularly. So feel free to use it if you like. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Regarding the indifference thing, I would take it with a grain of salt. There are a million different possibilities for why he's does that.

The ones mentioned above are possibilities. So is the possibility he was just teasing you. If he thought it was true, he's already shown his tendency to anger around it. It's easy to be non-chalant when you don't believe it to be true.

It could also be he's fishing to see what your reaction is. A kinda "I'll say it and watch her reaction to see if she looks guilty." When you don't, what's he gonna say..."I was just checking because I don't trust YOU."? Imagine what ammo that would give you considering his tendencies around women. So he let's it go under the guise of it's out of my control kind of thing.

There are innumerable other possibilities. So I wouldn't put too much into it until you have something more substantial to base an opinion on.

Happy to have seen you again, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
ILUL (previously Extremely_Confused)

K9--
I have been down this road in your shoes, and now have the benefit of hindsight. So, please allow me to share my experiences on the chance it might help you.
My wife long said she wasn't the jealous type. I am extremely jealous. I am the type that gets angry about clothing, flirting, etc. She doesn't. Her take has always been:
"If that's what you want, don't let the door hit you on the [censored] on the way out."
Now, that's not very emotionally gratifying, but now I understand her point of view.
A non-jealous person works from a couple of points of view. First, they have a fundamental sense of security. They aren't worried about you straying because they know they can take care of themselves and would probably be better off without you if you stray. They tend to be fully-realized adults.
Second, they realize they cannot control you. You cheat, you pay the consequences. Pretty plain and simple.
Hence why I never revealed my own As. She revealed hers, largely because she was sick of doing something that just didn't mesh with her inner workings, and because she believed she was reaching a decision point in her life.

I disagree with those who say your husband may be having an A, or even contemplating a revenge A if you are cheating, etc. That presumes a person who is "getting it on the side" wouldn't be jealous if his or her spouse was also cheating. Wrong. Personally, I was still jealous, even though I was cheating! To make matters worse, I got jealous of the men in the lives of the women I was with! So I was just jealous ALL THE TIME.

I would tend to believe your husband has just reached the same plateau my wife has reached: Why be jealous? It gets you nothing but paranoia.

And, there is this thought: Why would you ask that question?
I pose that only because I know it was MY way of trying to gauge her feelings of worth for me. Instead of taking value in her simply sharing her life with me, I was looking for verification. That's a self-esteem issue. And it also indicates that the thought has crossed your mind. Serious introspection on my part led me to realize I was long setting up the reality that I would choose to cheat.

Ta Da <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I knew someone had an opinion out there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thanks for the replies: JR- Yes, I think in some ways it may be his way of testing my reaction-

Avondale- Yes, I have also thought, well if she does so can I- he does seem to have that train of thought at times. I know I DEFINITELY have it now. Ya know, when he leaves to go out of town to "find himself" I too now leave to "find myself". He's not too crazy about the attitude of what's good for the goose is good for the gander- No, I have no desire to get involved with anyone- far too messy for me- it takes too much- too much lying, maniupulating- you name it- I don;t have the time.

Topie: I feel important- to think someone actually spent their own time to "discuss" my question. Thanks, and I mean that sincerely. All too often I don't get what I need from my husband in the way of "making me feel important in his life" I don't know maybe a wall he's built around himself due to the hurt he's endured during the course of his life. Throwaway child, raised by grandparents- really messes with an individual.

His friend approached me and said "I just wanted you to know that you and I could have an affair and it would be only a physical thing- you are with your H and I am with my W. I am attracted to you and it would be perfect because there would be no strings attached- plus (This is cute) We wouldn't have to worry about STD;s since we are both faithful to our spouses. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Seems his wiring is a tad off, ya think? I know of at least 2 other women he was having affairs with (this info came from my husband after he learned of friend's remarks) It makes it difficult because his wife refuses to hear he may even be capable of such dastardly deeds. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Another funny point. OW told H that I (me) was probably having my own affair whilst they were in the midst of theirs) He told her No, I wouldn't do that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Seems he doesn't think it could happen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I look better than I have in years- I have lost weight- men do flirt with me- I personally take it with a grain of salt cause Hey "I am still the same person I was years ago even though I am forty pounds lighter. Funny, you didn't seem to notice me then. I guess I have a negative attitude about that. I am not impressed nor am I flattered by the attention- truthfully it irritates me.

I love U Love

HELLO!!!! So glad to hear from you- I never could find the info and then it was a while before I posted again and well the rest is history- I will write you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks all of you, Have a great week

Ooops, sorry Chorous:

My god, our spouses sound identical- the door and the dierrearie (however you spell [censored]) is the same song and dance I've gotten for years. Funny thing is- I am the one who would do better on my own. I make more money, I have an education that would allow me to work anywhere I choose. I have an outgoing personality etc. etc.

His door and the [censored] comments have long since bothered me- but as you've said it does come from conditioning I do believe- he knows there's not a lot he can do

Funny thing now is I pretty much feel like don't let the door hit you myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for your reply