I've read some of your posts and we seem to be in similar situations and I have a question.

I moved out about 3 months ago. Shortly after my W told me she wanted to sell the house. We plan on selling it ourselves. I told her I would gather some paperwork she would need (market analysis, real estate contracts, etc.). I gave her this paperwork 5 weeks ago, but she has yet to put the house on the market. I went to plan B about 4 weeks ago, which I realize is no time at all. Although she is the one who wants the D and brought up selling the house, she not doing much about either.

I'm in a catch 22. I realize that selling the house puts us one step closer to D, but on the other hand, by not selling it and paying half the mortgage, I'm still meeting her EN for financial security and preventing her from seeing the reality of truly being on her own. I don't know if she's stalling on selling the house because she's thinking things over and starting to see the life she has in store for herself or if she's just milking living in the house for as long as possible. My lawyer said there are things I can do legally to compel her to sell the house. The whole thing is rather confusing since SHE'S the one that brought up selling it. Any advice?

sad dad

Well, SD, that is an interesting pickle...

On one hand, paying her mortgage must feel like financing her indecision - that's where I got to with my WW. When I flipped back to "full on" Plan B, I cut her off financially. I'm now following "the book" (ie. SAA) to the letter in terms of how Jon handled Sue... he stopped his financial support and forced her to get a legal support order. Dr.Harley doesn't get into great detail on this topic, just relates how it played out with them - but I would imagine that he was actively guiding Jon at the same time.

Now, with your house, it might be a little more tricky to just simply stop paying the mortgage... You don't want to put YOURSELF into a legal bind. So it would be worth condsidering your other options, I guess. At the same time, if you do hold out some hope for her to "wake up", do you really want to sell your house? Would you want to live there if things took a turn for the better? If so, I'd be quite inclined to give it some more time... it's not like you can undo a sale once it's done.

I know my situation is quite a bit simpler. We had sold our house back home and now only have $ sitting in an account. Would make it really easy to divide that. It also makes it easy for me to simply have my salary deposited to my own account... if she wants a piece of it, she can hire an attorney, go to court, etc. - some very harsh reality, I might add. I don't see it happening.

In my case, I never wanted to use money as a "tool" - or "weapon"... but it is a legitimate EN... and I think although a lot of women especially don't want to admit that it's important to them (ie., "true love", "passion", etc. is more important)... it really is VERY important, because it represents how well we can take care of our families. Something can be said for security.

J.R.,

I asked my lawyer if there is anything I can do that would relieve me of my financial obligations to my W. She told me that since I have already been paying half the mortgage and other bills (credit cards, car insurance, home eqty loan, etc.) a precident has been set that the courts would hold me to, unless I could prove dire financial straits, which isn't the case. Also, I have a financial interst to protect.

You are correct that I am financing her indecision. That's a perfect description of how I feel. I do not want to sell the house and I am still hopeful that she will "wake up" as you put it, but I think feeling the financial realities of being on her own and losing the comfort of her "home" may hasten that. Yes, once we sell the house we can't undo it, but we could always buy another house.

My W was under the impression that when we sold the house and closed on it, she would get a check for half the proceeds. It's not that simple. The proceeds will go into an escrow account until our creditors are paid off and a financial settlement is reached between us, which won't be that simple because she will owe me a portion of her profit sharing.

I think she's hesitant to sell the house because she would have to find a place to live in the interim until everything is settled and she could buy a place of her own. This would mean possibly switching our daughter to another daycare until she found a permanent residence, then switching her again. These are the unfortunate consequences of her decision.

I'm not sure what to do, so for now I'll do nothing and wait it out a while longer.
Steve H. suggested that at some point I may have to get my lawyer involved just to give my W a little nudge. There are legal options I can take that will compel her to sell the house, but I'm hoping to avoid that. Thanks.

sad dad

Yeah, as for the other legal options, if it were me, I'd definitely keep those ready... but since "true Plan B" has only been going on for such a short time, I'd wait some more...

I know waiting as such feels "uncomfortable", even in Plan B. It's hard to construct a "new you" when there's so many loose ends hanging out there. But if you're keeping to a very strict Plan B, it's another piece of "knowing you did everything you could"... So a bit more time might be good.

(If it were me personally, I'd give her another month or two before giving more of those "nudges"... but that's colored by my own situation.)

J.R.,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J.R.:
[(If it were me personally, I'd give her another month or two before giving more of those "nudges"... but that's colored by my own situation.)[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You might not be feel that way if you were giving her $1400/month so she could live in YOUR house.

sad dad

Hey, actually I WAS paying $1434 in rent for our apartment until I cut her off in September.

Since this is all pretty anonymous anyhow, I will say that we had about $14,000 in our joint account near the start of September. So when I reinstated my strong boundaries, I let her know that I was cutting myself a check for $7000 and that I'd no longer pay for the apartment.

There's now about $6000 in the joint account, so at the current "burn rate", she might just be able to drag this out longer than I'd like. However, knowing her, she won't feel comfortable at all when funds drop below $3000, since she needs some money to move, emergencies - lawyers??!, etc.

My personal account is growing - hers is shrinking. Again, I hate using money as a weapon, but... it is what it is... we live in an expensive part of the world. Her dreams of a modest home, yard, etc. - do require money. She makes less than $30,000 a year... I make over $100,000.

J.R.,

So, you know how I must be feeling. The big difference in our situations is that you had the option of cutting her off. I don't. You left her a good amount of cash until she could get on her feet. If she can't pay the rent and get's evicted, that's not your problem. If I cut my W off financially and she couldn't pay the mortgage, we could lose the house and all the equity. That IS my problem.

Here is an excerpt from a letter my lawyer sent to her:

"It is my understanding that the parties have agreed to sell the marital residence, and intend to do so "BY OWNER" in the immediate future. I would appreciate you advising as to the statuse of the sale of the property as it is my understanding the <H> has provided <W> all documentation necessary and requisite to proceed with said sale."

As far as I know, my lawyer has not received a response. For now, I'll wait it out a little longer, but not much. When I feel the time is right, I'll have my lawyer draft another letter with a little more bite, as suggested by Steve H.
Not a threatening letter, just letting her know we may pursue our options should she continue to hold off selling the house.

sad dad