First of all I want to thank everyone on here who has posted to my questions, some of which I know were dumb or seemed like i was just looking to start an argument. You have been very helpful to me and I inow that I am facing a crossroads on thursday based on a conversation I had with the woman at work on Wed.

I told her that it seemed like we were having an emotional affair. I did not tell her about this site, but used some of the things you told me. I have not been to lucnh with her since you all advicsed it was a bad idea. I have given thought to my marriage and I can not see any problems. But there must be something wrong because I enjoy talking with this woman. It is kind of like the feeling when you have a girlfriend the first time.

When I told my friend this she said she had given it a lot of thought and beleived that she could give me a piece of her heart without betraying her husband because it was not a sexual affair. She said I made her feel good and that we had a connection. She said she thought about it a lot and she is sure we can do this and remain frienss.

I am really mixed up. I dont feel I am cheating but based on what you have told me I do believe I am having an emotional affair. All along I thought a physical affair was an affair and I would never do that.

Now I find myself thinking of excusess why this is OK. Her position makes sense to me. She said she is happier with herself than she has been in years and it makes her happy at home and at work. I feel the same way, but not as extreme as her.

Half of me thinks she is right and I can be firends because I know it is not a sexual affair. But half of me has been listening to you guys and you are telling me it is an affair.

Maybe I have blinders on but I dont see the problems in an emotoinal affair. If a person cuts themselves off from there spouse becasue of it that is a problem but we are both so happy that our spouses beneifit and that is a good thing.

It is late at night and I am confused. I am a happily married man who never thought of cheating and it seems I have, or I am going to depeninding on how cheating is defined.

Is an emotional affair different for a woman than a man? This woman told me that she does not want to replace her husband or her life in anyway but I am adding to that life.

That makes sense. Help me see the flaws in the logic -- not moral arguments because those dont hold power with me even thought they should. But I want to hear real life situations. some of the ones I have read on here make me leery, but she looks me in the eye and starts talking and I am convinved this is good to do.

Thank you for your help. I meet her at work on thursday to discuss this during a break

oK, if this is such a 'friendly' environment, then ring up her H just to make sure (if EA/PA is ok with him). Surely that is ok with 'friends'. U get his approval, then go get it from you W (if EA/PA is ok with her). If everyone is cozy with this foursome, twosome triangle, then go for it. Got it?

When it all comes crashing down, don't come here because I am going to say, I told you so.

Now if this is NOT received in a friendly manner.... RUN!!!!!

EAs can be deadly. Want to play with fire? Then go be the OWs friend. Want to live be happy..... then run away from this OW. Let her go be someone else's friend.

IMHO,
L.

<small>[ October 10, 2002, 12:17 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

cautious,

Post again in 6 months ... I don't even glance your post. There are many hurting BS that we do not have time to reply to.

All,

Could we leave this post alone and please there are many BS post that has 0 counter on the reply# ? ... PLEASE, WE ARE BEING CON ...

-RH-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am really mixed up. I dont feel I am cheating but based on what you have told me I do believe I am having an emotional affair. All along I thought a physical affair was an affair and I would never do that.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe that is your problem, you are "feeling" instead of THINKING. You ask for logic, but you use none. An emotional affair *IS* cheating. And emotional affairs are WORSE than sexual affairs becuase they involve strong, bonding emotions whereas a purely sexual affair involves nothing more than a physical aspect.

I keep asking and you keep ignoring me. If there is nothing wrong with this relationship then you should be able to bring your wife here and let her read all these threads with your comments. Why dont' you answer me?

Since there is nothing wrong with your relationship, please bring your wife here and let her read these threads. Espcially the one where your "platonic" friend told you that make her "feel alive" and she "furitively" called you behind her husband's back.

Dear red hat -- this is not a con. I bet there are many peopel reading this that are in my same situation. You are helping them by responding to me. Many of the people on here have been burned by an affiar. at this point no one has in my situation and the advice you are giving me is helping me. just because i have not quit cold turkey does not mean it is not getting through my thick head. I just move slower

No. People here are not in this situation. We have people here with REAL problems with broken homes and devastated children. And here we are wasting our time on someone who is hellbent on destroying his own marriage under the delusion that "well we don't have sex." I know better than to waste time on a thread on this and won't waste another minute on this nonsense. We have people here with REAL problems who really need help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
<strong>.... You are helping them by responding to me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have huge disagreement right there, ML already covered the other one. I help them by posting to them and not waste my time on your p!ty party ... find someone else you could codependent to or just go back to tow.

-rh-

Cautious,

If you want to know if an emotional affair is moral while a physical one is not, why not talk to your pastor and your wife... a joint meeting.

I am glad that you do realize that it is an emotional affair, that is a huge step. Of course, she doesn't know the meaning of it, she just feels good.

My husband worked very closely with a coworker of his, they traveled daily together, had lunch everyday, but were really just "close friends".

Fast forward a few months, he discusses any problems he has with us with her.

Keep going, and he kisses her after a office Xmas party I could not attend because I just had surgery, couldn't really get around, had a huge fight about it.

Once I found about the affair, WH told me that he and OW had a "connection" between them. The emotional connection can be way more harmful than any physical connection alone.

Don't have lunch with her anymore, you need to put all your interests in your wife, and don't have discussions with her on why it doesn't seem wrong, because it is.

I am glad you came to this website, please, I hope you have gained information that will improve your marriage

The thing is cautous, very few people wake up one day and deceide to go out and have an affair. Instead they do it step by step just as you are. Taking, getting to know someone, exchangeing emails or calls, getting together and seeing how much they have in common and starting to share little secrets, then sharing their feelings about how the other person makes them happy, then makes thir heart happy, then.... its not usually a fall straight into bed thing. And this board is filled with poeple that hought they could keep it at a safe level and failed. She wants to give you a peice of her heart huh? Do you really think that would be OK with her husband? Do you understand that love grows?

Because we are made to bond with people, you are setting up those bonds with her now.... look how hard you argue to be able to continue, see how hard it is for you to end already. What makes you so sure of your emotions that you will be able to be superman and resist what any human is unable to resist.

And loving your wife is no protection... the reson this is so painful to all involved is precisly because you will still love your wife, but now you will love someone else too. So you will try to figure out a way to not hurt either. You already are in that spot , afraid to hurt OW feelings by stopping lunch, afraid to share the details with your wife.

Ten once you are in love with both, you will have to justify, have to start to distance yourself from your wife so she wont see what is in your heart. You have already started by the little lies of ommission you are telling her. not mentioning the meeting , the words of the OW.

So do what you must, it seems to me sometimes like nothing can stop people once they are on this course. it will end in disaster for all. Maybe thats just how humans are set up. They want the new love, the new feelings, and think they are so special, they can handle it.

Did you even bother to read this when it was posted on your other thread?? I don't mean scan it I mean really READ it...understand and comprehend it.

"10 Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity

Keeping members of the opposite sex out of your intimate way is crucial to the success of marriage. In today’s world, it takes focus and planning. Consider the following ten rules of avoiding potentially damaging relationships with members of the opposite sex.

Rule 1: Keep It All Business at the Office

What’s integral to your job and what’s not? You certainly want cordial relationships with all your colleagues. However, being cordial means inquiring of a colleague how her sick mom is doing and how her daughter’s birthday party was. It doesn’t mean chatting for a half hour and laughing about his recent trip to Egypt. Keep conversations that aren’t strictly related to business short and sweet. A person rarely talks to you for any length of time unless you hold up your end of the conversation.

Rule 2: Avoid Meetings with Members of the Opposite Sex Outside of the Workplace

If you have to work together through lunch or dinner, order food into the office rather than go out. Restaurants are far more intimate than your office, and you are much more likely to discuss issues outside of business when you’re on the outside. When you do finish a project, avoid the celebratory coffee, drinks, or dinner. Celebrate with your husband or wife at home instead. Share with your partner how much energy this project took. Let your mate into your life more rather than cutting him or her out by bonding a little more with your colleague. You don’t owe your colleague dinner or the reward of friendship because you worked together. If someone at the office cracks open the champagne for the group, by all means, join in the toast, but don’t linger. Congratulate everyone on a job well done, but make it clear where your attention and allegiance lie by explaining that you have a date with your spouse.

When you do have to meet outside the office, make the meeting in a public place that isn’t conducive to intimacy. Avoid long car rides, as the close physical proximity and inability to leave one another begs for idle chatter and potential intimacy.

Rule 3: Meet in Groups

When meeting with members of the opposite sex, try to avoid meeting alone. The addition of even one extra person greatly minimizes any potential for intimacy. Even if it means asking a coworker to tag along for no other reason but to make sure the meeting stays focused on business, it’s worthwhile. Group meetings also send the message to others that we’re here for a particular goal and then we’re through. People hold back from intimacy in a group both because they’re naturally more cautious about sharing and because they’re not sure if what they have to say will interest the whole group.

Rule 4: Find Polite Ways of Ending Personal Conversations

Learn to bow out gracefully from conversations that you feel are too intimate for comfort. If you feel someone is sharing personal information that is likely to draw you into a more intimate relationship, end the conversation politely. For example, say something like, “This sounds very serious, and I just don’t know what to say. I surely don’t feel comfortable giving advice on such an important issue. If I were you, I’d talk to someone who really knows me well, or even consider talking to a clergy person or counselor to air out my thoughts.” In this way you’ve referred the person to others who could be more of help and made sure you won’t become the shoulder to lean on.

Rule 5: Avoid Consistency in the Relationship

You’d think from these rules that I’ve never carried on more than a forty-five-second conversation with a female since my marriage. Yet I’ve had plenty of conversations with personal content. I just don’t have them consistently. To tell a colleague about the great time you had on your vacation or to listen to her go on about hers for a while is fine, as long as it ends there and as long as such conversations unrelated to business are inconsistent. What you want to avoid are regular, ongoing personal conversations in which you’re developing themes, favorite topics, or a continuing dialogue. Relationships need time and consistency to build. Having an occasional laugh is safe, as long as it stays rare.

Rule 6: Don’t Share Your Personal Feelings

When you do find yourself engaged in conversation with a member of the opposite sex, share little of your personal experience or feelings. This curtails the other person’s ability to relate to you. This doesn’t mean you can’t be polite or helpful. If your colleague shares with you that he’s learning to scuba dive, you could ask him how it’s going and if he’s enjoying it without sharing that it’s been your personal dream to do the same for years. If you feel the need to share that feeling, tell your spouse that night instead about how you were talking to someone who’s begun lessons and that you’re frustrated that you haven’t found the time to do it.

Rule 7: Be Unflinchingly Honest with Yourself

Sometimes people convince themselves that it can even help their marriage to express some sexual energy through “innocent” flirtatious conversations: “Hey, I’m not going to do anything, so where’s the harm?” However, ask yourself how uncomfortable you’d be if your spouse found a similar method of “improving” your marriage. Be aware of whether you are ever feeling the slightest twinge of intimacy or attraction, whether sexually or emotionally. Consider honestly why you’re looking forward to the next time you meet up again with that person. Be truthful if you have a little bounce in your step as you walk away from a conversation with him or her, or you suddenly have a little more energy after it. Think your flirtation is so innocent? Test yourself: Would you tell your spouse? If you tell yourself that your interaction with a certain person of the opposite sex is fine, ask yourself if your spouse would agree.

Rule 8: Avoid Cordial Kisses and Hugs, or Dancing with Members of the Opposite Sex

This may sound extreme, but with even one kiss comes a certain intimacy. Even a cordial hello kiss can be quite a sensual experience. Most often, a simple handshake will do. In the psychoanalytic community, there are clear guidelines that prohibit physical contact, even with same-sex patients. This is not only because of the fear that a sympathetic hug might lead somewhere sexually but because a simple hug immediately changes the relationship and can confuse the perception of both parties. If you ever need a polite excuse for avoiding a kiss or dance, explain that you have a cold and fear it’s contagious. You can always clasp the shaker’s hand with both hands to indicate extra warmth without introducing intimate touch. I realize that it’s become common to hug and kiss even business associates. I join with Miss Manners in disapproving of this unnecessary intimacy.

Rule 9: Don’t Drink Around the Opposite Sex

When we drink alcohol, we lose our inhibitions and clarity. I’m not talking just about the kind of dead drunk that’ll get you into bed when you don’t want to, or aren’t thinking straight (although I’m skeptical how much decision making we lose from drinking—after all, I’ve never heard a heterosexual husband say, “Really, honey, I don’t remember anything except waking up the next morning to find him in my bed”). Even a single glass of wine or shot of scotch is enough to relax you and lead to a more personal conversation that may be damaging to your marriage at a later time. It’s these conversations that leave a door open for later intimacy. If you’re at a party and really want to join in the festivities, plant yourself next to your spouse.

Rule 10: Show Your Commitment to Your Spouse Daily

Do something thoughtful for your spouse every single day. This could be a lovely note, a phone call, or a more elaborate effort to plan a getaway. Doing something for your spouse reminds you throughout the day how special this person is to you. Focus on the kind things your spouse has done for you, and remember that relationships take effort and time to grow. Have lots of photos of your spouse, kids, and pets around the office as a visual reminder to you and others of your priorities. Even when I’m staying in a hotel for one night, I place two or three photos of my wife and family around the hotel room. I don’t need the photos to avoid an affair. But I do need to be cloaked in love, and photos can help me focus on how much love I have in my life even when my family is far away."