I've been getting philosophical today, thinking about society’s attitudes towards marriage and divorce. And specifically about my own and my WH's attitudes.

He told me that he wants a divorce. He says it as simply as saying “oh, I’d like to wear a blue shirt today instead of a brown one.” As though the blue shirt is not compatible with his mood at the moment and so he can toss it aside and replace it with something a bit more to his liking. And he is so shocked and disbelieving when I won't go along with his wishes - when I say no, I won't give up on us. He says I'm being unreasonable and selfish for not agreeing to his demands for a divorce and quickly signing anything he puts in front of me.

And at first I thought I was the one in the wrong. I have been so brainwashed by our no-fault-divorce society that I believed he should be able to do whatever he wants. But you know, the longer I think about this, the more I wonder, “why should I let him go without a fight?” He signed a contract with me 8 years ago, promising me he would love, honor and cherish me all the days of our lives. There was nothing in there about “unless I get bored or cranky or hurt”. The words were very unequivocal – till death do us part. You wouldn’t expect Visa to let you out of a contract to pay them just because they’ve hurt your feelings. Why does he expect me to do so?

The sad thing is, I used to feel the same way as he. I too thought that divorce was just something you did when you got tired of the marriage. No-fault divorce seemed like the ultimately civilized way to end a partnership that wasn’t working out. When the marriage got a little tight around the hips, and the length seemed a bit too short, and the sleeves didn’t hang just so - why, then, you just tossed the old marriage aside and bought something new. Instead of going to a tailor and fixing the problems, or accepting that old cloth looks faded but sure feels soft against the skin. But just like buying clothes, finding that perfect new partner is never what it’s cracked up to be. Oh, sure, she looks great in the store. But as soon as you bring her home, all the flaws start to show up and rankle until you wind up giving her to Goodwill.

So I have simply decided that WH made a promise and I have no obligation to release him from it. That’s my current state of mind. While I realize that legally he will eventually get his way, I don’t have to make it easy on him. And I’m now convinced that I’m perfectly within my rights as his wife to do so. It’s not being vindictive or unreasonable or vengeful. It’s simply telling someone, “you promised me a lifetime of love and care together, and that was a legal commitment, and I’m not going to give up on that until I decide I want to. I am going to make you live up to your promises.”

I know this flies in the face of current societal mores. We’re supposed to be oh, so understanding and sophisticated now. We’re not supposed to make demands or be shackled by such old-fashioned ideals as commitment and tenacity and work ethic. We’re supposed to go with the new gods of “me, me, me” and self-realization and “let it all hang out, baby”. The 60’s have really screwed us up, haven’t they?

Well, these are new concepts for me. They certainly turn my ideas about marriage and divorce on their head. I wonder if there is some vindictiveness thrown in there. But you know what? I don’t care if there is. I’m tired of trying to be so understanding and sympathetic and enabling. Yes, enabling. That’s what allowing him to get a Dv easily and quickly and with no second thoughts would be – it would enable my WH to be selfish and immature and irresponsible, and to do so with no guilt.

OK, you can now tell me I've learned nothing from MB and that I need to be more understanding of his needs. But I feel like there has to be a stand for what is right and what is wrong. There are standards of decency, and someone has to stand up for them. Does anyone else still feel the same way as I do?

<small>[ October 10, 2002, 08:58 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>