OK in an email she told me that a heart is a big place and there is lots of room in there and that a person does not have to give up something to gain something. She said she feels that she can be my emointional friend and have a good marriage.

She told me she wonders what I think. I agree wiht her but you guys have more expereience than I do.

I told her I would tell her friday. I promise I will not post again. I dont want to irraitate all of you but you have been helpful and given me things to think about and tell her

Cautious, you are already past the point of no return. I don't think you could stop now if you wanted to. Everyone else who has posted is right, if you can't tell your wife and she can't tell her husband the TRUTH about this, then it is wrong. You are and have been heading down a very destructive path. My WW started with just chatting while playing a game online. Nothing serious, but the more chatting she did the more the OM said. Pretty soon e-mails were xchanged, phone numbers, then pictures, then she flew 1500 miles to see him. Everyone who knows her just cannot believe she would ever do something like this. I wish I could tell you something to change your mind, but if fear, as we all do here, that it is too late. You already in too deep. Your trying to find justification for your actions, which means you can't let go. I feel sorry for your wife and her husband. The pain they would already feel I'm sure is more than you think. If my wife were to tell me she could let someone else into her heart, it would be like ripping mine out. Which, by the way, she already has. Believe me it is not an experience I would want anyone to live through.

<small>[ October 10, 2002, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: TORO ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but you have been helpful and given me things to think about and tell her</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Cautious,

No one is trying to help you by giving you things to think about and tell her. They're trying to help you by giving you
things to think about and tell your wife

I've been following your story and have to say there are a lot of people on here giving you excellent advice. You would be wise to listen to them. Read the stories. And then read them again. Only this time pretend it's you who has written it. Because I'll tell you what - it will be you if you carry on the way you are.

kind regards,
VE

Cautious,
Thank you for your courage to write here and I wish you well. I would advise you to re-read all of the prior posts, especially, in my opinion, Zorweb and Lora, on this matter. I think we all know that there are some people out there who just have to learn the hard way. I would be very curious to see what your status is a year from now. Later. Robert

I'm sorry but I won't be nice. What you are doing is wrong, you know it and she knows it. Go tell your wife what you are doing and give her the e-mails and let her decide if she can be comfortable with what you are doing. You can fall "in love" with anyone, my husband has proven that time after time now with Ow 1 and 2 on a string, telling me has to make a decision based on what's best for all involved. B##sh##! It's hard to do the right thing but if you want to lose everything that is dear to you and put everyone thru hell then go for it, you will get no pity from me or any other BS who's spouse has hurt them time and time again.

I think this guy is pulling the board's chain. He sounds just like that poster - marriedman or mmm or something like that - of a few months ago. Might even be the same guy, gal, whatever.

He's been told what to do over and over again. Why beat your head against a wall. Other folks here seem to sincerely be reaching out for your attention.

Good luck fella. If you are for real, you're gonna need it. If you're not, you are one sick puppy.

hg

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told her I would tell her friday </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep....You're gonna use this time to justify it.

HCII

LOL, you're trusting the word of someone who is having an emotional affair on her H and trying to justify it? Oh wait...that'd be the same category you'd fall in to also, yes? Of course you're both going to agree it's merely a friendship and not hurting anybody. That's how most A's start. Your situation is still completely typical and completely inappropriate. If you want to spend time with this woman...do it ONLY with your wife and her H present. Let them determine if they want you two to continue your harmless friendship.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
<strong>She said she feels that she can be my emotional friend and have a good marriage. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Absolutely not true.

OMG guys my lightbulb just came on. This guy claims that he loves his wife and she fills all his needs and he's happily married yadda yadda yadda. BUT.... he's carrying on a EMA with lunch buddy and looking for attention from her... and then he comes here every other day looking for attention from everyone here. HELLO..... seems to me that his wife is not giving him all the ATTENTION that he needs or wants so he seems to be starved for attention. Same reason most of our WS get involved with someone else. And probably the same thing is happening in lunch buddy's marriage. Does this ring a bell with anyone????

<in>cautious:

"OK in an email she told me that a heart is a big place and there is lots of room in there"

No, heart is a muscle, and it's full of all kinds of goo and stuff, and it's sticky and slippery and...

"and that a person does not have to give up something to gain something."

Hor$e$h!t. Decisions like this have 2 be made ALL THE TIME. Like, deciding where 2 live. If you want 2 live in 2 places at the same time, you have 2 choose one and grieve the loss of the alternative. YOU need 2 do this with this chick at work. Grieve her loss and go home 2 your W.

"She said she feels that she can be my emointional friend and have a good marriage."

She's wrong.

"She told me she wonders what I think. I agree wiht her but you guys have more expereience than I do."

True, but you don't listen 2 the advice you're given here anyway.

"I told her I would tell her friday. I promise I will not post again. I dont want to irraitate all of you but you have been helpful and given me things to think about and tell her "

Like others have said, don't tell her a damned thing. Tell your W. Pull your head out of your a$$, <in>cautious.

YOu still don't get it, do 'ya.

OK in an email she told me that a heart is a big place and there is lots of room in there and that a person does not have to give up something to gain something. She said she feels that she can be my emointional friend and have a good marriage.

Why should she be your "emotional friend?"

Most people don't decide to have an affair. Most people start off EXACTLY as you are. We're just friends, we talk a lot & really connect, yada, yada...

I told her I would tell her friday.
What exacttly are you going to tell her and why do you NEED to tell her anything?

What has your wife said about all these conversations & what has she said about what you have posted here?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Interesting to read the replies from people. I am struggling with this and trying to do the right thing. Yes, I may come on and aks the same question about but that is normal isn't it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Interesting to read the replies from people. I am struggling with this and trying to do the right thing. Yes, I may come on and aks the same question about but that is normal isn't it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bullsh!t, Cautious. What's to struggle?

We are NOT offering opinions here, Cautious.

We are stating FACTS.

So...Where's the struggle?

The struggle is that you are so desperately struggling to try to get someone, anyone, here on this board to say "Well...maybe you CAN do it your way".

Ain't gonna happen.

We've told you the right thing to do, based on facts that have been learned from experience.

Once again, Cautious, where's the struggle?

HCII

The struggle, if I am being 100 percent honest?
I want to have a good marriage and I want this friend at work.
I never would have thought myself to be that kinf of man. I would never have a phuysical affair. I guess I am trying to rationalize myself to I can say: See it is not harmful to your marriage.
So far it isn't. I was happy before and now I am really happy at home. Same with the woman at work. Tells me she is the happiest she has been in years. calls usband each day and they talk, make plans for weekend, etc.
It seems like being emotional friends with her is making us happier in our lives.
There has to be a flaw in there someplace, but I cant find it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to have a good marriage and I want this friend at work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't have both.

To even consider risking your marriage for the sake of this "friend", speaks volumes of you.

Your wife deserves better. Maybe someday she will find him.

I'm through.

HCII

See I dont think I am risking my marriage and I know that I am maybe naive. I am 100 percent sure that the woman at work doesnt feel like she is risking her marriage. she made it clear to me that she is not looking to replace a husband and her heart is big enough to add something to her life.
I feel that way, too. and that is the dilema. It seems so easy and makes my life even better than it was

I feel lead to post here. My H had a "friend" whom he claimed was just a friend also for 3 years. They teach at the same school, joined the same gym, then starting hanging around doing other things together. He even took her to my grandparent's lakehouse when I was out of town, swearing it was just a friendship. AND, I believe at that time it was just a friendship. I was supposed to condone his spending time with her because he was a Christian man who just happened to have a woman as a best friend. `I should have known something was up when a year ago he (a natural tightwad) was defending her spending $100 on her hair every month! Something he would KILL me for. Anyway, point is, they ALL start out that way, and then the closer you two get, the more faults you see in your W, and the greener the grass appears. My H would, much to my dismay, discuss our problems with her, and that brought them closer and closer. Now, after 3 years, it has turned into a PA, and they are "in love" and are wanting out of their respective marriages (both with small children involved, ages 5-7). So, NO, it can't be done. If you can't involve your wife, then you shouldn't be involved.

IMHO, if you continue this, then you are showing how little you value your marriage.

Is it possible that people can be strong and not let a friendship hurt a marriage. I am not looking for an OK to do this. I am asking question that help me with my internal debate.

part of me says it is fine and part says it is not. But if I quit I will kick myself I think for loosing a good friend when it has been no problem, or even good, for my overall state of mind. The woman told me it has been great for her