The struggle, if I am being 100 percent honest?

You mean honest with yourself? No you are not being honest with yourself. You are saying that she is only a ‘friend’ but you know she is not. You cannot lie to yourself….

I want to have a good marriage and I want this friend at work.

What you are saying is that you want to be married to your wife and you want to have an affair with this woman. When a person cherishes their marriage, the marriage comes before all others. You cannot have both. By trying to take both, you will distroy everything. “Having an affair is like walking into a wind, carrying a tree on fire.” You are going to get burned very badly. So are every one else involved.

I never would have thought myself to be that kind of man.

My dear man, you have just found out that you are human. And because you are human you must protect your love for you wife with extraordinary measure. They have been posted to you here a few times.

I would never have a physical affair.

And at one time you thought you’d never have an affair of any kind. Each small step towards the affair brings you closer to a physical affair. Each small step take you further away from your wife. You think you are gaining a friend? No you are loosing your wife.

Do you know what is going to happen if you continue with this affair? I can see it as though I’m watching in on the silver screen. The OW’s husband is going to find out and she is going to drop you. Remember the odds are 98% that is will happen. Then your wife may not want you back. You will be left alone with the devastation you caused.

I guess I am trying to rationalize myself to I can say: See it is not harmful to your marriage. So far it isn't.

Boy you are some piece of work. Who the hell are you to decide if this is hurting your wife or not. You have no respect at all for your wife. If you did you’d give her the courtesy of deciding for herself if this is going to hurt her. Why have you not told your wife the truth? It’s because you know that she will be hurt and want you to put an end to your affair. Or maybe she’ll just ask you to leave. You have no right to make this decision and to hurt her this badly.

I was happy before and now I am really happy at home. Same with the woman at work. Tells me she is the happiest she has been in years. calls usband each day and they talk, make plans for weekend, etc.

Yes and a person who takes drugs or drinks is happy for a while, until the addictive agent consumes their lives. Just think of it. How would you feel if you found out that your wife is happier these days because she’s been with a man just before you came home? Would you feel like making love to her? Would you want to be with her? It’s a disgusting thought isn’t it? Why do you think your wife would want to be with you if she knew where you have been and what you have been doing?

It seems like being emotional friends with her is making us happier in our lives.

This is a fleating fantasy whose sole purpose is to rob all involved of their peace and wellbeing…

There has to be a flaw in there someplace, but I cant find it.

WHAT???? Have you read this site? Have you read that posts to you? You are not a man anymore.

I have a question for you.. I hope you will answer it because you have a habit of not answering any questions… just lamenting our disgusting lust….

Why do you hate your wife? Why do you want to rip her soul out? Do not tell me that you love her because people do not do this to those they love. Not with this much intention.

An aside to MB’ers. Sure is an interesting insight into the mind of a WS. This is an intentional act taken without regard to his wife. It is an act to intentionally hurt his wife.

as I read your reply zorweb I knew in my head that you are right. I know it. But my heart is telling me that it is Ok. I would never want to hurt my wife. but I know that if she new what I was doing I would hurt her.

Why did I do it? It was just a damn lunch, a totally out of the blue thing. No planning or nothing.

The rational part of me knows you are right. The irrational is telling me to not listen. I bet if my lunch friend posted here she would say the same thing.

My wife would kill me. I know it. So why in the hell do I keep wanting to go to lunch an talk with her. maybe I am fooling myself that since it is all out in the open that is Ok. At work men and women are always talking and i think that is some kind of safety net. we are not calling each other at home or meeting for drinks after wok, nothing like that.

Rationalizing, I know.

See I dont think I am risking my marriage and I know that I am maybe naive.

See you do think you are risking your marriage or you could not have put that sentence together that way. Why don’t you tell your wife the entire truth? Then let her decide if this type of relationship is ok with her? Why don’t the four of you sit down and do this?

Is your wife with you right now? Why don’t you go get her, bring her here and tell her so that we can hear what she has to say?

I am 100 percent sure that the woman at work doesnt feel like she is risking her marriage. she made it clear to me that she is not looking to replace a husband and her heart is big enough to add something to her life.

That is right, she is not looking to replace her husband. She is looking to augment him. You my dear man are an accessory, like a scarf. And when she is done you will be discarded to save her marriage.

I feel that way, too. and that is the dilema. It seems so easy and makes my life even better than it was

So you too are willing to use her. It’s mutual. It makes life easier for you. But your wife and her husband have no say in this. It makes their lives harder.

Is it possible that people can be strong and not let a friendship hurt a marriage. I am not looking for an OK to do this. I am asking question that help me with my internal debate.

Yes it is possible that people can have a friendship that does not hurt the marriage. I’ve had male friends before who have not hurt my marriage. But we have never sat around telling each other how we light up each other’s lives. There is a line that must not be crossed. You and she have crossed that line.

part of me says it is fine and part says it is not.

Part of you is saying that you want to keep her in your life because it feels good. The other part knows this is going to hurt our wife.

But if I quit I will kick myself I think for loosing a good friend when it has been no problem, or even good, for my overall state of mind.

I am going to go out on a limb here. I think you should pursue this affair. I think you should knock yourself out. That way the sooner your wife finds out, the soon she can dump you and find a man who can treat her right. So go for it man. There you go…. You got your OK from MB. Go for it………. And see the good it does your state of mind when the house of cards comes crumbling down.

The woman told me it has been great for her

This woman is seducing you and you are eating it up. You don’t know much about women do you? Boy are you a patsy.

If she told you that you had to jump off a bridge, are you going to do that too?

I dont think Im a patsy! But maybe. I dont think she is seducing me. I think of that as being in a slinky dress and high heels.
This woman is so upstanding. She told me she was not looking for anything like this. i wasnt. It just kind of happened and I never would have bet on this in a million years.
My wife is not here. You are right, I could not show her this and not matter what I said it would be a bunch of crap. I know that.
When you say I am augmenting her husband what does that mean really? She seems, a locaded word I know, very happy. Met the man and they are a happy couple. Hell they call each other each day and dshe talks all loving to him on the phone.
She said that I make her feel good about herslef. I like making her feel that way, so maybe that is my emotoinal need.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife would kill me. I know it. So why in the hell do I keep wanting to go to lunch an talk with her. maybe I am fooling myself that since it is all out in the open that is Ok. At work men and women are always talking and i think that is some kind of safety net. we are not calling each other at home or meeting for drinks after wok, nothing like that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HEY 2LONG........

Help me hold the damned net, will ya?

This cat's fallin' fast......

HCII

Cautious,

as I read your reply zorweb I knew in my head that you are right. I know it.

Yes you know I am right. And you know that you are acting with intent here.

But my heart is telling me that it is Ok. I would never want to hurt my wife. but I know that if she new what I was doing I would hurt her.

A couple of weeks ago my 12 year old step daughter (littleZ) posted her story here on MB. She’s the victim of many things… one is a mother who had an affair and left her unsupervised in harms way day after day so that mom could run around with her lover while her dad was at work. Her mother was a very good devout Catholic. Much more devout then one usually sees. Then something happened… she met a friend who made her feel better then she had in years. What harm could there be in that? LittleZ wrote a poem about love for the people on MB who reached out to help her. I put the poem at the bottom of this post. I want to share a small part of that poem that applies to your situation. LittleZ knows about the devastation of affairs, about loosing a mother, a sister, a brother and a family because her mom met a man one day who made her feel better then she had in years.

To put faith in this something,
Can often cause one to wonder,
Down the wrong route.

This young girl knows all about what happens when a person lets their heart take them the wrong way. A man is measured not by how often he follows the follies of his heart, but by how often he acts with integrity.

Please do not be a party to breaking up the woman’s family… of hurting her children beyond belief. I assume you have no children since you have not mentioned any.

Why did I do it? It was just a damn lunch, a totally out of the blue thing. No planning or nothing.

That is what makes it all seem so much more innocent then it is. But you now have total control of this. You can stop it now, today. Just send her a no contact letter and end it NOW.

The rational part of me knows you are right. The irrational is telling me to not listen. I bet if my lunch friend posted here she would say the same thing.

Yes she would say the same thing because you are deluding yourselves and each other.

My wife would kill me. I know it.

If you went to you wife now with this and told her, it would take the power out of it. That is the way to handle it. “Honey, something very disturbing is happening to me. I need your help. I love you more then I can tell you. But I’m a mess.” Then tell her. Ask her to help you. Down the road she may not be there for you. Nothing kills an affair faster then the light of day.

So why in the hell do I keep wanting to go to lunch an talk with her. maybe I am fooling myself that since it is all out in the open that is Ok. At work men and women are always talking and i think that is some kind of safety net. we are not calling each other at home or meeting for drinks after wok, nothing like that.

The safety net is really a screen behind which you both are hiding.

-----
The poem

IN MY HAND

I hold in my hand,
Something you would never suspect.
I hold in my hand,
Nothing to be exact.

But this nothing to you
Is something to me,
I know it’s something
That you cannot see.

You possess this too,
You either know it or you don’t.
Depending on a heart of gold,
Or a heart forged in stone.

From brother to brother,
And mother to son,
This something is exchanged,
The something in everyone.

You may choose to leave it,
To let it lie alone.
That is if you’ve chosen,
The heart forged in stone.

This something is in the man,
Who lives on the street.
This something lives in a child,
Who questions rather than greets.

Objects know nothing,
Of this wonderful something,
Yet are associated with it, no doubt.
To put faith in this something,
Can often cause one to wonder,
Down the wrong route.

Yes, in my hand I hold nothing,
To you perhaps.
Nothing your eyes may see.
But in my hand,
I hold the power of love.
And that is all,
I will ever need.

By LittleZ

I dont think Im a patsy! But maybe. I dont think she is seducing me. I think of that as being in a slinky dress and high heels.

Seduction comes in many forms. She may not be able to say she is seducing you. But believe me her actions are exactly that. You see part of the seduction is the good Catholic girl bit. She’s such a good girl and you eat it up.

This woman is so upstanding.

I’m sure she is not a ‘bad’ person. But even the best of us can sometimes fall to temptations.

She told me she was not looking for anything like this. i wasnt. It just kind of happened and I never would have bet on this in a million years.

I’m sure that neither of you were looking for this, but now that it’s here neither of you will walk away either.

My wife is not here. You are right, I could not show her this and not matter what I said it would be a bunch of crap. I know that.

What do you mean that no matter what you said it would be a bunch of crap? Could you explain further?

Where is your wife tonight?

The best thing you could do is tell her the truth now, before it gets more out of hand. My H and I have an agreement. If one of us ever falls like this, we are to immediately tell the other, who will lovingly nurture us through it. But if were to go any further, our marriage is over.

When you say I am augmenting her husband what does that mean really? She seems, a locaded word I know, very happy. Met the man and they are a happy couple. Hell they call each other each day and dshe talks all loving to him on the phone.

By augmenting her husband I mean that you are filling in where he is not meeting her needs. Like maybe he does fill her need for conversation. So she is letting you do it. Sure her husband is happy, he thinks he has a faithful wife and a lovely family. He does not know yet that his entire world is about to crash. Does this man have a violent side? Do you think he’ll become violent when he finds out? You may want to be careful.

[b]She said that I make her feel good about herslef. I like making her feel that way, so maybe that is my emotoinal need.[b]

My bet is that the emotional need of yours she is filling the most is admiration. Then affection would the next one. And before long it will be sexual fulfillment. It’s a slippery slide away from your wife.

Okay, Cautious - I'll give you my story. Just another one to make you think about.

My husband started a new job a few months after we were married. It was in another city, which meant that he had to stay away from home during the week (mistake #1). We talked on the phone every day and night, he told me he loved me, always said he would never cheat on me, looked me straight in the eye and said he could never EVER do that to me. I believed him. I think he believed himself.

He soon met a "friend" at work. I encouraged it because I knew he didn't know anyone there and I thought it would be great for him to have a buddy to hang out with (mistake #2). Turns out it was a woman, but she was a lesbian, so I felt okay about him having lunch with her. Well, lunch turned into movies once a week. Movies turned into drinks down at the pub. Drinks down at the pub turned into dinner round her place. But hey - she was lesbian! It doesn't get any "safer" than that, does it?

Husband brought his new friend to our house one weekend as he thought we should meet and hopefully I would like her as much as he did. Unfortunately I didn't. I kept my mouth shut, but I definitely got bad vibes off of her. She met all of our friends (one of them even came up to me after she left and said "watch out. She's after your H!") I laughed, of course. Because she was a lesbian.

Two weekends later, she invited us to her house for the weekend. We went - drank some wine, had some dinner, had a laugh. I tried to see past the things that annoyed me about her because I wanted to be the supportive wife and enjoy my husbands new friend. I just couldn't "get there", however. I don't normally *not* like people and I couldn't figure out why I didn't like her. It was bugging me, but I ignored it all. I ignored it because my husband had a friend and I should be supportive.

One night that weekend, I went to bed early. I was very tired and I left them in the kitchen to talk. I woke up at about 3:30 in the morning and realised my husband still hadn't come to bed. I looked around and the house was dark, apart from a light coming from under the kitchen door. I crept up to the door and heard whispering. The conversation sounded pretty intense so I just opened the door. There was my husband, in his pyjamas and there was his friend in her dressing gown. Both of them stared at me like they'd been caught doing something. I asked if they were ok and they just sort mumbled "yes" and then husband came to bed.

I didn't like it. I didn't know what to make of it. But I put all my doubts to the back of my head because she was a lesbian and "just a friend" so it was all okay.

8 months later - my husband tells me he's in love with her and she's in love with him.

But she's a lesbian! What gives?

Well, I was in a big fat place called DENIAL. That's what gives! Turns out they had been shagging since about a month after they met at work. So while I was at home and he was at work, they were shagging. While I was entertaining his "friend" in my home, they were shagging. While I was being entertained in her home, they were shagging.

When I found out, I lost the plot. He walked out on me for her. Left me on the sofa crying with a knife to my arm. I've still got the scars. This from a man who looked me in the eye and swore up and down that he loved me and would never ever hurt me.

I'll cut forward to today. We are divorced. He is still with her, but miserable. He wants me back. He can't believe what he did. He can't believe what he lost. He kicks himself every single day because he realises that he put so much effort into a "friendship" outside of his marriage and it cost him everything. He lost the respect of his friends, his family and he lost his wife. I am now living with my new boyfriend and happier than I've ever been in my life. Ever. He is wallowing in misery and self-pity. His family don't accept her into their home. His friends won't invite him to their homes because they know he will bring her. They all saw what I went through and hate him for doing that to me. He lives alone and isn't even sure he loves her at all.

The best part? Yes, she was a lesbian. But prior to being a lesbian, it turns out she's got two divorces under her belt - her second husband was married when she met him. She told my ex over and over that she swore off men after her second divorce. Told him that the one thing she respected about him was that "he wasn't like other guys" and didn't put the moves on her. Turns out she put the moves on him - she had been reeling him in all along.

Go figure.

I guess I don't need to tell you the moral of the story, do I?

Good luck, mate. You'll need it.

regards,
VE

Change your title to "Lunch friend's justification." More appropriate.

I want to slap this guy silly with my virtual rubber chicken in the hopes that he'll finally wake up to reality. Nah! it probably won't work and my rubber chicken will probably end up breaking in two. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Cautious
Just a few comments. When you got married, in your vows (if you got married in a church) you said to your wife and she said to you "FORSAKING ALL OTHERS." Am I right? Well, if so, then that means ALL OTHERS , not except "Lunch Buddy." Do you see what I mean. ALL OTHERS means just that. ALL OTHERS! Your wife is the ONLY woman that should be a priority in your life and the only woman that should make you feel HAPPY. If another woman is doing that for you then there is something very wrong in your marriage. You want Lunch Buddy in your life because she is making you happy. Well, try and figure out what she does for you that your wife is not and then maybe you can start to fix what is wrong in your marriage. The other thing I wanted to comment on was this:
This woman is so upstanding. She told me she was not looking for anything like this. i wasnt. It just kind of happened and I never would have bet on this in a million years.

You just hit the nail on the head with this statement my dear friend. SHE WAS NOT LOOKING FOR WHAT ..... what is THIS that she is referring to? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I'll tell you. AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. Someone else that fills a need other than her H. And you said you weren't either. Well, what is THIS that YOU are talking about? You know as well as everyone else here that has been trying to tell you since your first post. You are cheating on your wife. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Plain and simple. And the reason you can't and won't tell your wife is because you know the pain and suffering it will cause. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> And I love the "IT JUST HAPPENED" comment. I got that one too when my H told me of the first time he got a "favor" in the parking lot. I said "Oh yeah, your D--k just HAPPENED to fall into her mouth!" SURE You are a cakeman my friend. You want what you want and nobody is going to tell you different. You are going to have to find out the hard way and I hope too much damage has not already been done to fix what you two unfixed!
What you two are doing is what infuriated me the most about my H's A. You two are making a decision that will change your W's life FOREVER without her having any say in it. How can you give YOUR OW (and that is exactly what she is, whether you realize that or not) that much power. What you are doing is giving YOUR OW more respect and consideration than you are giving your wife. You are giving YOUR OW a choice, you are NOT giving your wife one and that to me is such a travesty. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You said it Mia.

I wasn't looking forward. We didn't mean to hurt anyone. It wasn't about you. IT JUST HAPPENED.

What crap. I heard this from FWH (while in fog and out) and from the OW. Just nonsense.

NON SENSE. No Sense.

Cautious, I just want to reaffirm, in case you haven't noticed...that you're getting advice not only from BS's who have seen their spouse take the exact path you're staring down...but also from WS's who said and did and thought EXACTLY what you're writing to us. I'm one of those formerly wayward, and I'm telling you that your thoughts are selfish and attempts and justification. You're still at the very very early stages....the place where so many of us wish we could go back to and do it right so as to avoid years of pain caused to ourselves, our spouse, our families...and even the OP's spouse and families.

If you decide to continue this friendship you will be inviting depression, misery, embarassment, remourse, and above all pain...not only in to YOUR life, but in to those all around you. You still think this is a good deal? You still think it's all worth it? It isn't...take it from the voice of experience. If this woman is so happy...let her go on her merry little way and continue to find happiness elsewhere.

I am struggling with this and trying to do the right thing.
What is there to "struggle with" if everyting is okay?

I want to have a good marriage and I want this friend at work.
As the saying goes, "want in one hand, [censored] in the other & see which fills up first..."

I never would have thought myself to be that kinf of man. I would never have a phuysical affair.
So you are now doing something you never dreamed you could do. An emotional affair. Why do you think you would NEVER have a physical affair?

See it is not harmful to your marriage. So far it isn't. I was happy before and now I am really happy at home. Same with the woman at work. Tells me she is the happiest she has been in years. calls usband each day and they talk, make plans for weekend, etc.
It seems like being emotional friends with her is making us happier in our lives.
There has to be a flaw in there someplace, but I cant find it.

It seems so easy and makes my life even better than it was

But if I quit I will kick myself I think for loosing a good friend when it has been no problem, or even good, for my overall state of mind. The woman told me it has been great for her

What happens when you/wife or her/husband have a fight and you "go to lunch." Wow, everything seems so much better now. This person really "understands" me. This is EXACTLY jow affairs start. And discussing everything you have with her gets them going even hotter!

I dont think she is seducing me. I think of that as being in a slinky dress and high heels.
Probably not "actively" seducing you but she is thinking of you. After all, "you're just friends" and who doesn't want to make a friend feel good about themself and do good things for a friend?

If you think there is nothng wrong with what you are doing, let your wife read all your postings here. Go home & tell her you discussed with this other woman, NOT having an affair/leaving your spouses.

Look before you leap. Oh, wait. You already leapt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There has to be a flaw in there someplace, but I cant find it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The flaw is between your ears. I would suggest inserting some #14 Industrial Grade Floss in your left ear, pull and twist as you extract the floss from your right ear. Dispose of floss and residual debris in a hermetically sealed Glad Bag, as it is certain to be toxic to dogs, cats and small children. Also can be used as an effective bait for trapping vermin.

Once your head is cleared of all the cr@p, make the decision to BE A MAN and stop this idiotic nonsense.

Get a life - go talk to your wife. Remember her?

So... she calls her husband and that makes your emotional affair ok?

My husband called to wish me and out one year old son a happy birthday, then hung up and had sex with some woman he had just met at a bar.

Stop kidding yourself, stop asking the same questions, go back and read what BS's and WS's here have tried to get through your thick skull.

You are not listening, you are headed straight down the path of a full blown affair, I pity the woman you married. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Cautious,

Listen to what is said to you here please.

I am the BS, my hubby cheated on me with a coworker. He would have lunch with people at work all the time, but this one person he had one too many lunch dates with. He was attracted to her in every way. He liked her as a friend and she was different and I'm sure she stroked his ego big time.
You are emotionally cheating. You have feelings for another woman. This woman makes you happy and feel ways your wife can't make you feel. You need to stop, think and look up the word EMPATHY. Because if your wife new all this you were saying and feeling, trust me, it would hurt her sadly and if you don't want your wife to feel that kind of pain, I mean the kind of pain you feel when someone close to you dies (that's what it's like) it's actually worse though, you need to leave this person alone. Just knowing that another woman got into my husbands mind body & soul just urks me and it makes me sad and trust me I feel sad everyday and think of it everyday, and that's the most horrible way to live your life. If you truly LOVE your wife, you all should talk about what ever problems you and her are having. If she's not meeting some need that you desire, you both should talk about it and let her know how you feel. One more thing, if you want to be friends with females, include your wife so you both can get to know this person. Include her at all times. That's my husbands problem he is selfish and wants his friends to himself, but me I'm the kind of person I want him with me at all times if possible, because I'm a loving and giving person. LET YOUR WIFE BE YOUR ALL, NOT SOME OTHER WOMAN. Cut out the lunches because there is one thing for sure, if you don't you are gonna get so emotionally attached to her and things will lead to something deeper. The key words are LOVE and EMPATHY here Cautious.
Leave it alone if you truly want to keep your wife happy.

By the way, one of the unfortunate side affects of women in the work place is that a larger percentage of affairs are now with co-workers. Simply because the opportunity is there and people have few boundaries in place.

If you read the stories here, your situation is any thing but uninque and special. It's redundant.

I think you are, as I stated a long while back, some sort of provocateur. OR maybe... are you doing some sort of psychological study here on people's reactions to questions regarding issues that have been pivotal in their lives?

I don't know, but I will tell you again to end it with this woman. I am alone, depressed, and divorced due to an A that I had with an OM that started as a 'friendship'. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Give it time, and your E connection with your coworker will end up right where you both want it to be--whether you care to admit it, or not. And if it doesn't , if it's purely E, it's still wrong. You already know this.

See, you've 'provoked' me to respond. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> I don't mind though, it's therapeutic for me. Hope you take my advice. Any 'thrills' I got from my first E and then P connection with the OM were the ruin of my peaceful life as it was, but hindsight is '20/20', as they say.

Hopeful

OK, this is going to be my only post to this person. I have read all of his two threads, and all the posts, and he is getting far too much airtime, while others who are deeply hurting and trying hard to build their marriages are going begging for attention.

First, this person sounds suspiciously like "tempted" and before him "marriedmanseekingadvice" - neither of them listened to a word of anyone on this forum who tried to help them - we all know who is bearing the brunt of their EAs - the BS.

All of us BS, and WS on this forum have learned one thing - we cannot change or control others, we only have control over ourselves - I think we should all stop trying to help this person and let him cut his own throat.

As far as my own situation - my situation is better - I think my H backed off from the brink, but not before he nearly lost everything - his home, his reputation, his sons, the respect of all his colleagues. Yours truly protected him from the full consequences of what could have happened had his EAs become public knowledge. We are now in recovery. But....I will only say one thing to "cautious" - it would have been less painful for me if he had died - at least that way, I would have been able to mourn a man I admired, honoured and respected, a man I loved as a friend and trusted as the one person in the world who had promised to love and protect me. I lost every shred of love, respect and admiration I ever had for the man I loved, because no woman loves a liar and a cheat and a coward. Is that how you want your wife to think of you?

I'm with Zorweb - you might as well go and have that affair - you are already in it deep - you have already crossed the line. Your only hope is to come clean with your wife and pray she doesn't kick you out. You think she doesn't notice? She will, and she will start wondering - finally she will start snooping, and she will find out. Then she will panic, cry, rage and you will either say "I always meant to tell you, but I was too scared," - in which case, she will think "Who is this worm?!", or you will say "It just happened, I didn't mean it to happen," - in which case, she will think, "What a wimp! I married THIS?!" or you will say "It's all your fault - if you weren't such a B*** to me, none of this would have happened!" - which will make her think for awhile, and after thinking about it for awhile, she will throw you out, or you will say "Honey, I made a mistake, but I love you and I want to do everything I can to make us work, " and she MIGHT say "I don't know - but I'm willing to try." And that's where I see you headed.

So I am not going to waste any more time here. I'm off. It's your life. Go ahead and ruin it. Oh, and a few other people's as well, while you're at it.

LIR