For those BS in recovery. Did you see your WS coming around before actual recovery started? Is there any sort of pattern that WS's usually follow that "say" that they are out of the fog and beginning to entertain the idea of reconciliation?

If there are signs toward that thought, is there anything that WS should do to help move things in that direction, or do we just sit back and wait for them to ask us for reconciliation?

Thank you and God Bless.

BUMP

I wonder about this too.

Originally posted by Biscayne:
<strong>For those BS in recovery. Did you see your WS coming around before actual recovery started?</strong>

L: Yes but only partially. I still went to plan B.

<strong> Is there any sort of pattern that WS's usually follow that "say" that they are out of the fog and beginning to entertain the idea of reconciliation? </strong>

L: No pattern, just familar steps. Remember each person and situation varies. For many there are 'false recoveries'. The one constant is that marital recovery will not happen if only the BS tries. The WS must put words into action.

<strong>If there are signs toward that thought, is there anything that WS should do to help move things in that direction, or do we just sit back and wait for them to ask us for reconciliation?</strong>

L: The WS needs to make their actions match their words. The WS often says what the BS wants to hear. There is a tendancy to make the BS live the lie but that is part of the A not part of the M. So if the BS does NOT want to be a part of the A, then lying should NOT be tolerated. The BS needs to have a plan when the recovery starts to take a nose dive.

For the most part the BS needs to sit back and let the WS prove their worth. Show their value. Regain the lost trust.

The WS tend to put the burden of the recovery on the BS, it should be mostly on the WS. It should not be flaunted by the BS, just shown with firm but tactful actions.

We are in recovery but I still keep plan B in my back pocket.

L.

When my husband finally...

Started telling the truth before I discoved things.

said that he would end all contact as of that moment and did

said that he had caused me great pain and it was his responsibility to help me heal and repair our marraige.

when he finally agreed to answer all of my questions no matter how many, how stupid, how hurtful and how many times I asked the same question over and over.

zorweb, I am going to post your note on my frig. And until my WH starts doing all these things, I'm not going to believe it. You hit it right on the money.

There were many signs along the way. The first sign to me was when I realized my WW was over the OM. I was fortunate in that regard. As soon as the A was discovered, I asked my wife to move out. Having discovered MBs only recently, I realize that may not have been the best plan, but I had my reasons. Anyway, it worked. As soon as she was out of the house and the OM had to deal with the discovery of the A and filling all her needs, the A was over within a couple of weeks. I guess as long as it wasn't easy, he wanted no part of it. It did not take her long to realize he didn't really care about her, and that helped her get over him quickly. The second sign to me was when she agreed to MC, which happened soon after I felt like she was over the OM. Next sign was when I truly started to feel she was committed to recovery. The most recent sign came after we changed MCs. The first MC kept trying to find out what caused the A, in other words, what was I not doing that caused her to look for fulfillment outside the marriage. I could only listen to that crap for a couple of sessions before I could not go back. We found a new MC about two months ago. With the help of our new MC, my M finally came to realize that while I had a part in the marital problems, the decision to have an A was hers and hers alone. Up until then, I think the continual blaming of me by her and the first MC was a major obstacle toward recovery.
Michael

Me 39
FWW 38
M 18
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC