A vent or something like it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I was talking to my friend whose H just left her for the OW. She's resigned to the fact that he's gone and divorce is imminent. I told her about this site and I explained a little bit about the MB principles.

We talked a little bit about it and she said something that I've had nagging at me for a while now.

"What about my emotional needs?"

I spent some time thinking about this statement and it is exactly how I feel too. I was clueless or blind or just plain stupid when he was enmeshed in his EA. Even knowing what I now know from reading here, I can't think of anything I could have done differently to prevent his need to look elsewhere for whatever was lacking in him.

Here's the kicker, it was MY EN's that weren't being met. In fact they still aren't. I was the one who should have had the affair. I was the one who wasn't getting what I need. I was the one who was left waiting and wanting.

I think this is what I can't let go of. I've been struggling in the 16 months since d-day to meet his needs and then I realized I'm doing nothing different than what I did before his A except spending time trying to figure out what I did wrong.

Something is wrong with this picture. I'm breaking my butt to hold things together and he's doing nothing to meet my needs. I try to talk to him but he has no answers. I ask him to go to counseling with me but he says he doesn't need it, that we don't need it. he says we're happy and I think he really believes it.

I feel like I need to scream so he'll hear me but instead I try to be rational, as always, and I accept the crumbs tossed my way.

Maybe my own personal EA is what I need. Or maybe, like my friend, I should just move on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

this is so sad. You don't deserve the pain you are feeling as you have gone through so much already. Women sometimes tend to be more passive than met about asking for what they want. I sounds like you are the giver and he's being the taker. You are wonderful for forgiving your husband over his A, but maybe you're afraid to address the real issues of your EN's because he don't want to chase him away. This is just burying your emotions and that's not good. If he cares about you he'll complete the EN questionnaire to help you. I recommend reading the Venus/Mars book - some of it could help you if you are the type that overextends your energies looking after everyone's needs but your own. From what I've read here the A wasn't caused by you not meeting his needs. It wasn't your fault. There will be lots of people here who will have better insight into this than me. I just wanted you to know that your feelings are important.

TinyDancer,

Do the EN's questionnaire for yourself, Start to do the one's you can meet for yourself, and the one's you want your H to meet stop doing them for him. Dont take his crumb's, and dont give him the easy way out.

I can really relate to this - and I would welcome a discussion on this forum about this.

You could have taken the words right out of my mouth - except for a few things. I DO recognize that I wasn't meeting certain EN's my H had -

A. He needed more admiration.

I thought I was meeting this need (my H is a performer, so his need for this is greater than a lot of people's) by telling him how good I thought he was. What I wasn't doing was going to all his performances and BEING there - this left room for OW on the spot to meet his need for admiration.

B. He needed less "coaching" from me (telling him what I thought he should do).

This is hard because he would ask me what I thought he should do - and I would tell him. I thought that was one of the strengths of our R. However, where I went wrong there was in my communication skills - I would say "You need to....." and I have learned since that its better, when he asks my opinion (which he still does), to say "Perhaps it might work if you...." He can choose to take my advice is he wants to, but doesn't feel like he is going against me if he doesn't. He also gets to take responsibility for what happens if it goes wrong, because he can't say "You told me to do/say that..". It's a subtle difference.

C. He needed more sex.

We are both Catholics and he was more dogmatic than I am about the birth control issue - so after 2 EAs, I got an IUD. Its my body, I make the decisions on what goes in and out of it. Period. I didn't realize that although he sometimes just wanted sex, that having sex with me helped him feel loved. I didn't understand the importance of this. He accepted my decision (I had a lot of health problems which also justified this) and we are both a lot happier about being "available' to each other.

D. He needed to go out and have fun with someone - someone who thought he was wonderful and would eat up every word that dropped from his lips. All those jokes the wife has heard a thousand times. (Am I being sarcastic?).

Well - we were always broke and really struggling with small children and no money. And he was working 7 days a week. How to conquer this one? The best I can say is that I knew he liked certain games - so I made a conscious effort to get him to play games with me - backgammon, petanque - for others, it will be different. This was a way we could sit across the table from each other and not have to "be heavy" - we would inevitably make jokes and the mood would lighten - it opened the way for us to see we could still enjoy each other's company. I made a point of asking him to play with me on evenings when he was most likely to slip out to meet the OW. That he didn't turn me down, but stayed to play with me helped me see that he still was attracted enough to being with me to choose playing with me over that particular opportunity to see her. I am also trying to get him to go out with me, but frankly, this is still difficult, and I feel bad when he balks at my suggestion to go out to a movie, or whatever - I feel like for him, being with me is not important. So unimportant, in fact, that he doesn't realize how much it hurts me when he reacts like that. The thing is, for him, having me at home seems to be enough. He never seems to think that being at home for him is not enough for ME.

So - like you, I tried and am trying still, to change (that's only a few things) that I thought I could, to bring us closer together.

But what about me? Like you, I still don't feel that my EN's are being met. I need more physical affection - not just sex. I need reassurance - not just being desired. I need conversation - I want someone to talk to, and someone who wants to talk to me. I want someone who cares enough to listen to me, and who will carve some time out of his busy schedule just for me, because he loves me, misses me and wants to be with me. My H still does not do this for me, even though I am now working my behind off trying to meet his needs. My H seems to have put his EAs behind him and is happy to go on, now that I am meeting his needs better. But he is still not addressing my needs - the need to go out on "dates" - to have him make time for me, to spend "quality time" together, the need to have him talk (in words) to me about how he feels and what he thinks, especially about me. The need to feel appreciated and thanked for the things I do for him. Nor has he apologized at all for the hell he put me through, or ever talked to me about what happened to us these last 18 months. I have told him I forgive him, and I have told him I recognize my part in driving him away. He happily accepted my forgiveness without ever apologizing or explaining himself. He has not asked for my forgiveness or verbally taken responsibility for what he has done.

So I am left with a lot of ambiguous feelings - and no real assurance that he understands what happened, or how he will prevent it happening again. Just the feeling that he is happy now with the way things are, and hoping things will be OK now. But I feel that leaves all the work to me. I also have a lot of lingering doubts about the question of EAs. He made two "attachments" to OW in the last 18 months. I have no idea if he is still in contact on a personal level with either woman, because I have been too afraid to approach him. I read the posts by "cautious" and "tempted" and wonder if my H is happy because of us, because of the work "we" have done this last year, or whether or not he is, like those men, still having his EAs on the side and, because I am no longer snooping, he is getting away with it. If I try to bring this up, he just says "You don't trust me. You never have." and looks sad. How can I trust him if he doesn't talk to me or try to reassure me, or demonstrate his trustworthiness, especially after he shattered my trust in him?

So, given all that, I have the same feelings - my needs aren't being met - I know that if I finally give up hope, I am very vulnerable to having an affair myself, and part of me says "you deserve someone who will give you what you need for a change". How can I get through to him? I'm asking myself all these same questions. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

LIR

<small>[ October 11, 2002, 08:23 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

TinyDancer,
I love that song. I know what you are feeling. I felt the same way, I also feel that in the need fulfillment category I was WAY behind my spouse. I do realize some things that I did and have changed them but I also felt that if anyone should have had an affair it should have been me. In fact I was thinking that my marriage was getting pretty bad before this happened. To me the A was a wake up call that I did want my H and my family.

I think since you have been married 14 yrs. that perhaps your H's A like my H's had more to do with MLC and rebellion than needs. My H is 43 we married very young, 18 and he has had a lot of responsibilty for a long time. I think it just got to him and he started to wonder, WHY? IS THERE SOMETHING ELSE OUT THERE? He has told me a few times that he needed to feel like he WANTED the M not just that he HAD to be in it. That he just HAD to do it because that is what is expected of him.

Now I am not saying that needs aren't important, I know I was not meeting some of my H's need. Mostly because mine were not being met and I got tired of trying. But, he didn't know that. I didn't tell him. He didn't tell me.

Anyway just want you to know that you shouldn't blame yourself, or feel bad for feeling this way. We all want to be taken care of. We all want our needs met. I hope if my H returns I can teach him my needs and he will teach me his.

Take care,

Sharon

Thanks everyone. I'm just so angry about al of this today. It seems that everyone around me is divorcing because of affairs. What in the world is wrong with people today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Krissee you're post made me smile because I am anything but passive. In fact I've been told many times by many people that I'm "so strong and aggressive". I've told my H what I need in very easy, uncomplicated words. He knows, he just doesn't do anything about it.

dredthesilence I filled out the questionnaire and I handed him a copy. He read it and replied that he does "all of that already". Sad part is he really believes it.

Lady_In_Red I'm gad, but also sad that you understand how I feel. My H hasn't apologized either. He figures that since it's over it doesn't matter any more and that I should just let it rest, which I have basically done. I don't know how to get through to him either.

uteconf footballwidow I agree with you on the with MLC and rebellion theory. i think maybe he was tired of being only a father and husband but isn't that what he signed on for? Geeze I can't even begin to imagine what these WS's have i their minds.

As far as me and my needs, I need more attention, more alone time for just him and I, more affection and - I can't even believe I'm typing this lol - I need more sex. In fact I said to him "do you know how many men would love to have a wife who was willing and eager for sex anytime they wanted it?" My H replied, "maybe you should be married to one of them" Grr!

Tinydancer,

Yes my H knows what he signed on for but I think he has been watching football too long and wants to re-negotiate his contract. I hear you on the s3x issue. I guess I can't compete with Miss 25 yr. old though. But can WH compete with every MR. 25 yr old that looks her way. We'll see. Hope you are feeling better today. I always feel better after a good vent on this site.

Take care,
Sharon