Brief history. I moved out 3 months ago. Shortly after W told me she wants to sell the house. We plan on selling by owner. I got some paperwork together she needed to put the house on the market and gave it to her 5 weeks ago. Went to plan be 4 weeks ago. Little contact since.

I stopped at the house today after work, and it was a mess. She has done nothing to get the house ready to sell. The paperwork I gave her is still sitting on a table as it was 5 weeks ago. I am paying half the mortgage and home equity loan (I have a financial obligation protect).

Although I don't want the D or to sell the house, I cannot live in limbo. This is a financial strain on me. I am continuing to fill her EN for financial security and basically financing her indecision. Steve H. believes she is starting to see the life she has ahead of her and is in no hurry to pursue a situation that is worse than the current one. My lawyer sent a letter to hers to inquire about the status of the sale. She (my lawyer) told me there ar legal options I have that can compel her to sell the house. Steve told me I may have to have my lawyer send another letter with a little more bite, not a threat, but maybe to give her a little nudge and let her know I cannot accept the status quo.

Although I realize selling the house puts us one step closer to D, by not selling it I'm preventing her from seeing the consequences of her decisions and seeing what it's like to truly be on her own. Opinions, advice and suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

sad dad

bumping

Hi

In my case my WW also shouted each time I would mention the financial consequences of a divorce/separation "LB! What a racket! I have a RIGHT to your money! What cheek! You are threatening ME with your MONEY". Well, apart from the fact that we (she) spent most of it anyway already, I was willing of course to finance everthing related to our daughter, but apart from that: NADA. Well: Indeed, why on earth should I??? if she got used to a financial cosy cushion, and wants to stray, she has to say goodbye to it, has she not.

So far my past experience on that matter. How does this relate to you? I would examine other options. I have three ideas for you:

1. Cant you write her a letter directly, not through lawyers (unless you enjoy yourself paying 200$ per hour for the pleasure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )? Despite you being in plan B, I assume you are still in contact with regard to the kids. So for the house, I reckon you could be too - it's a simple admin matter. So I would writer her that there are 2 options, sell or move back, and you cant afford anymore the limbo state. tell her that this is unconnected to your relationship but a simple fact of life.

2. Other idea: Do you pay her directly something as well (like, maintenance)? you could use that as a bargaining chip.

3. Third idea: I think that it may have been a mistake in the first place for YOU to move out. SHE left the family, not you, so why did YOU move out??? So, what about if you gate-crash the party and move back in? To maintain plan B will be harder, no doubt, but not impossible. you could pretty much ignore her, (like, separate bedroom). if she doesnt like it: tough cookie - then she gotta move out. and presumably, she can only do that if you sell. and being there could accelerate a sale. last but not least, it may be better for the kids.

nick,

Thanks for responding. I'll try to address each point you raised.

1. Since I am in plan B, Steve H. recommended that any contact with my W on this matter be done indirectly through my lawyer (i.e. let any pressure being put on be through a third party). I may have misrepresented how much of a financial strain this is on me, it isn't that bad, it's more the financial inequity of paying for a house I no longer live in that bothers me.

2. I do not pay maintainance and she's not entitled to it.

3. She was fully prepared to live there through the D. I had the opportunity to move into my mom's vacant townhouse, which I did for two reasons. I could not continue to live like we were and am hoping it gives her a chance to see what life is like without me. Moving back into the same situation will not be good for ME. I am lonely and unhappy, but at least I'm not living with the day to day stress and tension I was. Moving out was the best thing for me. I don't think moving back would be good for our daughter because it would send mixed signals.

If I no longer wanted my marriage, I could have my lawyer take legal action that would compel her to sell the house and expedite the D, but I'm not at that point. However I do want her to begin to see the consequences of her decision before it's too late. I want to believe her procrastinating is because she's having doubts or re-thinking her decision, but she may be just milking the situation as long as she can. I still have some patience left, so for now I'll probably wait and let plan B sink in, but I do believe that at some point I'll have to give her a little nudge off the fence (through my lawyer). Which way she falls remains to be seen.

I know there are options I have. The point of this post was to hear opinions on why you all might think she's not moving forward with selling the house, or the D for that matter.

sad dad

<small>[ October 13, 2002, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

OK see what you mean.

looks then like the only option you have given the current constraints is to let your lawyer give her a nudge.

I was somewhat in a similar situation in that, if I were going to do plan B (I did not), I may have moved. That was at the time the clearer, easier option. Fight or flight? Flight! However, several people on this board here told me to be steadfast and tell WW that if she doesnt like our family, off she goes. that was a too scary concept for her which helped her make up her mind.

Hence me raising point 3 as an option. Out of interest: did SH consult you to move out?

Other question: you got any feedback (from joint colleagues maybe) how she's doing?

Nick

nick,

Throughout this whole ordeal, I have kept Steve up todate and followed his advice before making a move. He advised me to counterfile, to move out when I did and to go to plan B. I intended to stick to plan A when I moved out, but my W would call me 3 or 4 times a week with questions, little problems around the house or needing favors. She continued to rely on me like a H, but she never indicated she was having second thoughts. It was too painful to be a part of her life under those circumstances. I felt used.

If I felt there was anything I could do to get her to move out I would have. But as I said before, she was fully prepared to stay in the house through the D. I could not. Remaining there as the D progressed would have become much harder and I would likely have started to LB and sabotage my plan A efforts. Even now, when there's nothing standing in her way, she still won't put the house on the market and go her merry way.

sad dad

looks like she entrenched herself there. I remember your earlier posts - going to plan B definately was a good idea.
apart from her stalling on the house sale front, do you know how she's doing?

nick,

I don't know how she's doing. She's very good at putting on a front. We do have several mutual friends, but most of them have told me before that she doesn't talk about the D or anything with them. I know from talking to my BIL & SIL a while back, she doesn't talk to her family about it either. I'm a little leery about talking to any of them about her.

sad dad

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 03:58 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

hanora,

I'm well aware of everything that needs to be done to sell a house. We are going to sell it by owner. We live in a very desirable area, and should have no trouble. We have done this before, so we know what needs to be done. I have gotten a market analysis done, got blank real estate contracts, property disclosure forms and wrote up a spec sheet on the house. So far, she has done nothing as far as getting the house in order, nor has she mentioned it in 5 weeks. Not a phone call or email suggesting we paint this or change that, etc, nothing. The question isn't what do we need to do to sell the house, it's why hasn't she started the ball rolling? Thanks!

sad dad

Sad Dad,
Do you think it might be depression that is preventing her from doing anything around the house or even moving towards selling it? It's just something that struck me when I read your post.

~Timid

timid,

Before I answer your question, I'm curious why you asked about depression. I just want to know if we're on the same page.

sad dad

Sad Dad,
I do hide in the shadows more than I ever post, but I have been following your saga almost from the start. I think I recall you saying something about your wife making comments about suicide or deep depression months and months ago- possibly even a year ago? They weren't to you I believe, but to her OM?

Those comments and the fact that the house was in a mess, she's gotten no closer to selling, divorcing or making a decision and the papers hadn't even moved since you brought them seem to point to me that she's depressed about the situation she got herself into and doesn't want to deal with it.

I've been through some heavy depression and the situation you described reminded me- I was sleeping away most of my time and putting in the bare minimum of effort to keep going. Somewhere inside I hoped that if I slept long enough I'd wake up and the problem would be fixed and all the stuff I'd stopped doing/put off would magically be done for me. I could be way off on this, but maybe you have the same hunch?

~Timid

timid,

You are right on the money, and have an amazing memory I might add. OM called me last February and told me my W talked to him about killing herself. She denied it when I asked her, but I did talk to her sister about it.

I have thought she might be suffering from depression for a long time. Just before all this started 2 years ago, we had been trying to have a baby for about a year and a half with no luck. We both got checked out and got clean bills of health. My W went on clomid, a fertility drug, for one cycle. A few weeks later is when she told me she was unhappy. She couldn't and still hasn't told me exactly why, just says it's everything. She seemed to completely shut down emotionally. We grew more and more detached and she has shown no affection towards me for nearly two years.

About 6 months after she told me she was unhappy, I began to suspect there was OM. I was correct. Shortly after d-day (5/01), she told me she want a D. She didn't file for 6 months (11/01). That was almost a year ago and she has done nothing regarding the D. We went to custody mediation 4-1/2 months ago and reached an agreement shortly afterwards. I wrote up the agreement and sent a copy to the mediator. I thought at that point she would pursue the D aggressively, but she hasn't.

My lawyer just recently drew up the initial draft of the formal custody agreement, which we are still ironing out the details of. Although she wants this D, for some reason MY lawyer wound up drawing up the agreement. You know the latest regarding plan B and the situation with the house. Incidently, from what some mutual friends and my BIL's have told me, she doesn't talk to anyone about any of this, her sisters and parents included. Any thoughts?

sad dad

Sad Dad,
Depression can be a funny thing sometimes. She may not know exactly why she feels depressed and I believe that quite frequently it leaves a person feeling overwhelmed by everything. I know for myself, I couldn't pin point specific things that made me unhappy...I just felt like everything was wrong- my whole world was pressing in on me, weighing in on my chest until I couldn't breath.

She may not want to admit to anyone what is wrong, or maybe she feels like she can't. I myself am a very personal individual and have a difficult time opening up to anyone about what I went through/go through periodically- especially those close to me. The game I played was seeing how well I could act at pretending everything was fine. I am still terrified that my family or friends will find out what distorted feelings and emotions I house. However, that is how I am- your WW could be a very different individual so it's best not to assume this is the way she is feeling.

Have you ever considered that she's suffering from postpartum depression? I know your baby is a bit older, but from my understanding it can linger around for quite some time.

There's more I'd like to say, but for now I'll leave it and see what you have to say or can fill in. Plus, I'm a bit wary of posting some parts of my story. Let me know what you think?

~Timid

timid,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Timid:
She may not want to admit to anyone what is wrong, or maybe she feels like she can't. I myself am a very personal individual and have a difficult time opening up to anyone about what I went through/go through periodically- especially those close to me. The game I played was seeing how well I could act at pretending everything was fine...Have you ever considered that she's suffering from postpartum depression? I know your baby is a bit older, but from my understanding it can linger around for quite some time.

~Timid[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This does seem to be consistant with the way she's shut everybody out (except OM), but as you said I can't really know for sure. As far as post partum depression, our daughter was 2+ yrs old when this started, so I'm not sure that fits the time frame. During a short time we were in MC (3/01), she did express feelings that growing up nothing she said mattered or nothing she did was good enough to please her parents. We stopped MC shortly after that, guess the counselor may have struck a nerve.

There's not much I can do at this point. She may need to "reap what she sows" and hit rock bottom for anything to change. Who knows if and when that happens if I'll even care anymore. It's really sad because I think a little counseling could open some doors to her unhappiness.

sad dad

<small>[ October 14, 2002, 10:53 PM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

I too had feelings as I was growing up that I couldn't do anything right for my parents, or that nothing I said was important to them- still do for that matter. I know PC would help me, but I'm too afraid to reach out for it. That would mean I'd have to admit I have a problem, and then I'd have to own up to it, square in the face. Something I find too frightening.

Wow...the more I hear about your situation and WW the more I see myself looking back at me. I'm not really sure I know what to tell you at this point. I think she won't really move on anything until she's come to terms with what she's doing and how she's feeling. That probably won't come without a councilor, or simply time.

Like everyone else here, I believe she should be skillfully directed into selling the house. However, were I in her position, I'd probably be doing the same thing she's doing right now. I think unless you go over there and help her, the house won't be sold by her manpower alone- it sounds like she's too depressed to deal with the responsability.

~Timid

Hi SD- I've been thinking about your situation for a few days now and if it were me I would either call her on the phone and see what her reason for waiting is or have your attorney write her a letter with a certain amount of days stated to get the ball rolling. I personally think you need to take direct action regarding this and not wait around anymore wondering. Depressed or not your W chose her behavior and consequently the financial results of that. Take care! lifeismessy

timid,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Timid:
<strong>I too had feelings as I was growing up that I couldn't do anything right for my parents, or that nothing I said was important to them- still do for that matter. I know PC would help me, but I'm too afraid to reach out for it. That would mean I'd have to admit I have a problem, and then I'd have to own up to it, square in the face. Something I find too frightening.
~Timid</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you've already admitted you have a problem, haven't you? Do you want to wallow in unhappiness and low self esteem, much like my W, or do you want to take control of the situation? I really suggest you seek some counseling, telephone counseling if you don't think you can handle face to face. My sister and my SIL battled similar feelings that you and my W seem to share. They both turned to drugs and alcohol, both reached rock bottom and both attempted suicide before they got the help they needed. They are doing well. Take the first step.

lim,

I appreciate your straight forwardness. I will talk to Steve H. about all of this, but you are correct that I will have to get the ball rolling on this, whether directly or through my lawyer. BTW, how are things with the hubby? Is MC helping? What happened with that job he interviewed for? Take care.

sad dad

SD - in my case, WW seems to be stalling the divorce. But she was anxious to get it over with, up until a few months ago. I think it's because the current status is acceptable to her, while post-divorce it will be much less comfortable financially. She can drag it out for up to another year, in the state where we live.

It sounds like selling the house is mainly for your benefit, and she has little incentive to move on it. If this is important, maybe re-consider Hanora's suggestion to hire a realtor. You can net more money with FSBO, but it requires effort and cooperation that may not be possible now. It will be tougher to repeat your previous good experience with FSBO.

And I have a question for you, about counseling with SH during a divorce proceeding - is it helpful? I had several sessions from 7/2001 to 2/2002, but none since. Basically I was running out the clock on plan B, until I decided to file D. I felt there was little to talk about in counseling. But now there is more contact with WW and many issues have arisen. I am very sure there will be no reconciliation, and at this point I don't want it. Do you get the impression SH is "interested" in a situation like this?

- Tom