I have an inquiring mind tonight. Have you told your kids what happened? How has A/Recovery affected your children? (All ages--young and adult kids.)

Also, how has it affected your family life?

I am not the same person I was...
I laugh less, get irritated easier, spend too much time thinking about what happened...

NGU

BTW: It has not been a good night...

My H left the first time the day after my oldest daughter's 13th birthday. He didn't realize she would always remember...she has.

We had 7 separations over the next 21 months, he was out of the house 14 nonconsequetive months. Nearly each time, not only did my H promise not to leave me, he also promised our daughters he would not leave them, the younger one was 10. (at the same time, with fogese, he told me he didn't leave them, only me, they didn't agree, obviously, he wasn't there every night, like I was.)

In our last separation, my then 14 year old told him he was scum, and he could never, she would never, acccept his directives, or counsel, as the right/truth, he was scum.

Ouch.

We reconciled into recovery 5/00. 2 teenage daughters, tough times, but to give my husband a lot of credit, he has rebuilt those relationships as studiously as we have worked on recovery. I didn't step into his and our daughters' relationships, because, well, with 7 separations, our marriage had rocks built into recovery, but I knew he would always be their father, and also knew by then, he did not, would not, lose those relationships.

Our now 17 year old, beautiful, composed daughter will voluteer hugs and "I love you Daddy." At one wretched point she had referred to him as "the one I call 'father'." She knows there was an affair, H left the Janis Spring's book AFTER THE AFFAIR, title up in the back of his SUV. (excellent book)

For our church, she recently wrote out a faith statement, and part of it was how her parents have showed how God loves, and forgives, when we do err and are repentant.

Our younger child, now 14, is much different. She always was a peacemaker, and very smart, she wanted us all to love one another in the best way we could.

I don't know how a troubled marriage could fare much worse with children who remember, than with adolescent daughters, but I believe my marriage has not only come through it successfully, but the children, the young women, have recovered as well.

<small>[ October 12, 2002, 12:32 AM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

freshstart ,

keep on asking questions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My H (WS) told our children a little after D-D. They were 17y + 20y and the noticed that something was wrong. I couldn't talk to them at that time, I was in terrible shape.
He told them that he had made a big mistake and that he had "strayed". He didn't give them details. (At that time he was still abit "foggy" and in "withdrawel".

He talked alot to our daughter. He would tell her was he found annoying about me. At that time he was so confused, he actually saw her as a reliable and strong person to talk to.
This went on for quit awile and my daughter really had problems with this. It was very pressuring as he told her not to tell me what they talked about.

MY relationship with my daughter was not the greatest at that time. I would call it the typical "mother and daughter" conflict. But talking to her father about these things really got her torn back and forth.
She would then talk with me and tell me what he said and she would say: Mom, don't do this and stop doing that, he makes dad angry.
I was so under shock at that time and really felt "numb", I did everything she told me.
She then told me a "secret" he had told her and I confronted him about this. He got terribly angry with our daughter and this was then the turning point. He yelled at her and told her, he would "NEVER" again tell her any secrets! (This was really FOGGY!")

. I told him that he was pressuring our daughter with the discussions they had. I told him to "realize" that she still was a young girl. I asked him to consider this because I realized that my daughter was really having a conflict with standing between the both of us.
His fog gradually started to lift.

The conversations they had in the past, changed. He started to tell her pleasant things about me. He started to tell our daughter how I was changing and how different I had become.

When our "true recovery" journey really started, my H and I both had very intensive conversations with our daughter. We made her aware that talking to her at that time was not the best thing to have done. We told her that she shouldn't take this as an example, but to maybe just pick out something positive, so that it won't only be negetive, when she thinks back to this time in her life.

We told her that even "we" her parents are not perfect and that this time of our life was real hard. But she should see that the "fight" and the "struggling" we went through was worth it.
And that we just didn't give up. She should see this for her future and always remember not to just give up ever in her life.
She might consider to see us for this as an example that a marriage can stand through extreme difficult situations.
And she should see herself and very "lucky" to have a family that stuck together.

Our son was in the military at that time, so that he wasn't involved that much. He did see the ups and downs but he was more involved in his own life. He would give me hugs and kisses but he is just not the "talker".

Our family life has became very intense. Even though our kids are now both out of the house, we still have very good contact.
My daughter and I (and husband) have a great relationship.
My daughter and I just had a real good conversation the other day. We talked about my H behaviour at that time and we really had to "giggle" a few times. He sure was a strange guy, not to compair to how he is now. I think my daughter has gotten over that part of her life, she really enjoys seeing how we are now.

Sorry that this has became so long.

take care
bb

Hi
I was the child of Dv parents and had a rocky rel. with my father which certainly didn't help my rel with men in general. Now my H has left me and I have threee boys, 8,11 and 13 and they are upset by it all, have moments of claiming to hate dad and eldest is getting to the " why should I do as dad says he doesn't live here " stage. I have however worked hard at making sure they maintain their rel. with their Dad , initiating visits and making my home available for him to see them in. Also allowing them to visit their dad even when it meant meeting oW. I trust that this will mean that as they grow up they will continue to have strong bonds with him. They know I would have him back and have actively worked for it but tell me not to bother as he isn't coming home.

Jante

Blond blossom,
Your story sounds a lot like mine. My H. confided in our daughter 19 at the time, told her about affair but that it was over. She started checking up on him and also didn't tell me. She now is so upset and angry with her dad that she won't speak to him. He left june 30 and she has not spoken to him since. She had a baby in mar. still lives at home, so has her own set of stresses to deal with and alos more for me since I watch the baby, and H. is out finding himself. Our 24 yr old hasn't had a lot to do with his dad either he lives in another state, but my H. doesn't make the effort to contact our kids, he thinks it is up to them to come to him.
our 17 yr old still talks to his dad, he doesn't know everything, but I know he thinks what his dad is doing is wrong. It has affected everyone adversely, my mother in law doesn't see the baby or my daughter because my H. chose to introduce the OW to her and she likes her, so they are in contact, so everyone has been hurt. But it still goes on.
My H. is with OW this weekend, I am alone with the baby because my daughter went on a 3 day trip. The thought of him being with her, in our city, in his apt. I just can't stand it. Didn't sleep hardly at all last night. I woke and a thought came to me, he's never going to give her up. I am just going to have to accept that. I really have no hope left at all.

We have 3 kids. Our 16 year old son is the only one in the house right now. He spends more time at his friend's houses lately. His dad really needs to talk to him about some of this and let his know what has been going on in his head so Loren can see that he is working through some of it, but H cannot seem to bring himself to figure out how to start. The middle daughter is in college and comes home rarely. She is much like her father in every aspect. The day we talked to the 3 of them, H went farther than I thought he would and told them he was not in love with their mother and was moving out. Oldest daughter started to cry and wanted to know if there was another woman. We had agreed to NOT tell them anything about that. He is the only dad they will ever have and if possible, I did not want that to be spoiled. Middle daughter was ANGRY!!! She said "dad I love you, but you are the most gutless son of a ***** I have ever seen"
The younger 2 have seen my counselor and he verifies that there is confusion and depression. Even if they are older-they have lived in a 2 parent home their entire lives. In our case - it was like a light was turned off - One minute my husband was slipping cards into my luggage when I flew to Pennsylvania and the next minute, he has got caught up in a EA on the internet and has decided he no longer loves me. He is still here, but is going back into truck driving which will take him out for several weeks at a time. The kids all think we are faking everything now, when in actuality I am being kind and trying to make LARGE deposits in his LB before he goes. I think no matter how old they are - they are still kids when you are talking about mom and dad. K

You ALL have a lot of courage. I admire each one of you.

Day by Day, so sorry for what is going on right now.

It would also be interesting to know how many of you are children of divorced parents. In our case, the ironic thing is that H is the child of DV parents--when we met, before he ever told me he loved me, he would talk about how it would be OK for couples to walk away from M--and we were in seminary!!! I nearly broke things off because I couldn't accept that--and then years later I was the one who walked away emotionally and H was the one who found the fortitude to forgive.

Do you think it's unhealthy for kids NOT to know, if that is possible? I am terrified to open Pandora's Box with my girls and yet some time in the future, I feel in my heart I may tell them---before they marry or get into a serious R.

Thanks for all the input, everyone.

I told them. I had protected my H enough.

They already knew about Sophia. They had seen us argue about her. The kids are young -- 8, 6, 3, and 1. Now that we are separated, they know he has "quality time", what we call a time-out for bad behavior. It is sad. Dads are supposed to be heroes.

W & W, so sorry. It must be very difficult right now. Especially having young children to care for. How are you coping?

Hugs.

weary and wary,

I really liked your statement that dad's are to be hereo's. I so wanted that for my kids. My dad is still my hereo and lives across the street from us. My kids are so lucky to have him for their grandpa!!!

I started crying when I started typing as I realised how much I wanted that for my kids, and how much I pushed for that, but dad really hasn't had much to do with them. He lives 800 miles a way, calls maybe once a week, usually after one of the kids has intiated a call to him.

My 20 yo S, was living with dad and dad wanted to move OW in so son was kicked out and moved back with me, son's words!!! Whole 'nother story about 20 yo still living at home!!!

My 17 yo D, made the statement to friends that he is her father and she loves him, but he is an idiot. She usually is the one to intiate the phone calls. She had always been daddy's little girl. She graduates this spring and he will bring OW with him I am sure!!! UGH!!!

My 11 yo D, cried and was very angry with her father and wanted to know how he could do this to her!!! Later he told me that if the youngest did not make him change his mind no one would!!! How sad to put that much on a child!!!

My kids tho are pretty well adjusted and we laugh alot at some of the things that their dad says or does. I don't ever disrespect him. STBXH is in the military and has always had a job that kept him on the road 2 weeks out of the month, so kids and I never put our lifes on hold we just kept going and have done so again. It is sad for their dad not to be their to watch their activites, but hey he missed most of them before d-day too. I think I hurt more for my kids then they themselves do. As I wanted them to have the family life that I grew up with and they have been cheated out of that, by their own father.

I watch as my parents have been hurt by what their son-in-law choose to do, STBXH once said in the 2nd and last counseling session that he went to that what they thought of him would bother him. Things are very cold if they are all in the same room. UGH!! I keep thinking of graduation!!!!

I have stopped pushing and proding STBXH do things with or for his children, he no longer wants me for his wife so I can no longer do those things for him, it hurts me when I see the dissappointment on their faces.

We had been invited to go to an Aunts house for thanksgiving and girls called dad to see if he was coming to see them that weekend and he said "Go ahead and go if you have been invited somewhere else" Their comment was, hope he doesn't forget to send the Christmas presents!!! Hasn't even mentioned having them for Christmas, I feel so bad for my daughter as this is her last Christmas at home as a child and she has this to deal with!!!

Again I probably hurt more for my kids then they do themselves!!! I wanted so much for them and they aren't going to have that now!! And they have adjusted, maybe it's me that needs to give over it!!!! You think!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am the child of multiple divorces. My mom has been married 4 times and my dad twice. And I am the one who is killing myself trying to keep everything together. His parents have been married for 46 years. Both sets of his grandparents were married only to each other. All aunts and uncles except one were married only once. He has nothing but fine examples to see. What's up with that?

Hi K- my H is from a very stable family bckground and I am from a dv but he is the one to go have an affair and I am working at trying to rebuild- perhaps because I know the damage dv does and he doesn't. Jante

My 2 D (10&13 yo) well aware of the whole situation and I 've kept their life stay pretty much the same and went into self recovery/acceptance very fast. Intially, before she files & before the court order 50-50, there is no impact or miniman impact to them !. The FCS & their teachers said that they are already "stabilized". After 50-50 and we both purchase separate resident, they starts show some resentment & anger toward WW. WW brought OM to live with her. WW actions & words are starting to impact them. I know one of this day my 2 D have to choose !. I did my best ... never show them my bitterness or may anger toward WW, I 've help them by showing that life could go on w/ or w/o WW. It is ok to miss her but we have to live what what we have and make the best of every situation. I always told them that WW is always be their mom but I just could not take her actions in A.

Now since 50-50 custody, the impact start showing up. I have an appoinment w/ court appointed MFT for coparenting issues soon. I have a list of issue that I will bring it up.

-RH-

Freshstart,
After 13 months of trying to keep my WH A from our children (23 and 20) I finally broke Sunday and told them. I think WH is still calling OW (he works with her too). Naturally he denies it and he has but I keep busting him with evidence...how can I believe him now? So I was packing my things Sunday and I prayed about it..I was all alone (kids are in other towns...husband golfing) so I prayed and asked God to help me...I feel he told me to ask for help finally from my family. So I called each one of them and told them as much as I thought them needed to know. D was totally caught off guard. S knew something was wrong. Both gave their support and love to me and showed tremendous maturity. I told my WH what had happened. He was upset. He wasn't aware that I had had enough of his lies. So that evening he called both of them. Tried to tell them how he felt, they tried to tell him how they felt. That was Sunday. By Tuesday I think reality set in for D. She called him crying and screaming and saying hateful things. He felt terrible. His little girl hates him. I tried to comfort him, but he sees me as the cause of this now. FOG We will see them both on the weekend. It will be emotional I am sure. They (along with their mother) thought he was perfect in everyway. Now they are disappointed too.

I don't regret telling them yet. I think they can help him. I know they have helped me already. I just hope it isn't a life altering event for their young lives. I know this, my son said he had a lot of respect for me....that made me cry.

I wonder if I would have told them last Sept. if WH would have straighten up. Oh well, I can't dwell on it now.

My WH is from a very stable Catholic family. Parents are saints. As for me, my father cheated on my mother most of the time I lived at home. That just goes to show you the facts of who will stray and who will stay.

Stay strong, Freshstart.

My children are 7 & 4, and we have never directly told them what happened, but they knew something wasn't right. My 7 year old if he finds my H and I angry with each other now he asks if we are getting divorced. I posted a topic here and in the pregnancy child forum called "How to Behave". I found a great book

HOW TO BEHAVE, SO YOUR CHILDREN WILL, TOO!

This book is a must for every parent no matter what your childs' age. It has helped me so much

DU

I hope that my kids haven't been affected much by their daddy's A's. When H was actually out of the house (during our 4 month separation), Eric turned 2 yrs old, and the twins were born. It was sad that H wasn't there for them (or me) during that time. H is the one regretting that now. He missed the first 4 months of the 'everyday' lives of the twins. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

H and I had been through many tough times before our actual separation. In March 2000, we were starting the process of separation. I talked to our son, Andrew (3 1/2 at the time), about what was going to take place. I did my damnedest to not show too many negative emotions to him about the likely turn of events. We talked about how he would be able to stay in a NEW house sometimes, and "wouldn't that be fun?". I think I made it up to be much better than it would have been - and I often wonder if Andrew was upset when we DIDN'T split up at that time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Now, I worry about how much we'll tell the kids when they're older. There are bound to be questions. For example, the twins will want to know why daddy wasn't there for their delivery. Dare we tell them the TRUTH? That their daddy felt it was more important to be on a date with OW#1 than to see the birth of his twin sons??? It's so sad. Thank goodness we have a few years to decide what to tell the boys. Thanks to MB, I'm somewhat prepared to talk about it, and it won't slap me in the face 'out of the blue'.

As far as the divorced parents talk goes.... it was MY parents who were D'd. FWH's parents have always been together. HOWEVER, one of the things that I do know, is that H NEVER saw them argue. All confrontations were kept quiet from the kids. Therefore, as an adult, H didn't have a clue on how to deal with conflict. And quite naturally became a conflict avoider. We're still working on that issue. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Karen

My wife left me & kids 3.5 years ago, after 19 years of marriage.
Two daughters, just turned 8 and 13 when she left.
one visit in 3 years. Not many phone calls (none since Feb this year).

I just found under her bed, a sign my youngest (now 11) made.
It says, "My mom sucks a monkeys a$$"
She also told me a few weeks ago she saw a lady driving by her school and she looked like mom. She kinda freaked out & hid behind her friend. Now she jokingly tells me & her sister, "mom's stalking me."

My oldest, when she was 13 got arrested for underage drinking & blew a .11 bac just before my ex left. It was 3 weeks after d-day.

My wife left 2 weeks later.

They have had a few problems with school but no more than usual (insert sad commentary on family probs/school). I think I've dne a pretty good job of keeping them level headed (as much as can be done) about all of this though.

<small>[ October 16, 2002, 04:28 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

After two years since D-Day I'm still not sure how my daughters feel....on the inside. Outwordly, they seem perfectly normal as could be. My oldest is pulling straight A's for the first time ever in her Junior year in HS. She even told me at one point that she would be just fine if Mom and Dad never got back together.

But I know they each must have issues they aren't telling. How could they not when they have a mother who they know is concealing a relationship she is having with another woman? My oldest has told my WW that she will have nothing to do with this OP. My WW still exposes this OP to my youngest daughter and covers that fact up. I only find out when my daughter tells me of it. I informed my daughters of the affair over a year ago. My WW has done a pretty good job of damage control since....

Sometimes I think my heart is going to explode with sorrow when I read of the pain each one of you has/is going through. I'm so glad you are here and we have this safe place to help one another process things..or try to.

My life is too busy for me tonight to answer all the new posts on this thread so I'll try to catch up when I have my day off on Friday.

Thank you for your honesty and freedom to share. Hope to get back here soon.