<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Well heres an update of the last couple days and in desperate need of emotional support... H withdrew total amount aloud from bank in 1 day and left me with no way of getting any $. He came home again when the kids and I were gone and got more stuff. I'm on the verge of packing ALL of his crap and telling him to get it or it goes to the curb. Had a friend tell me to hire a P I to get proof so when I go to his command I'll have what I need. I've done the punching bag at the gym and played racketball imaging the ball is his. I also want to say thank you to everyone who has given me advise and support. You all are so cool. The biggest thing I miss is the physical touch. So many times I just need to be held. Sorry I'm all over the place in this post. My mind is running a gazillion miles a second. I don't want to do things that will risk losing him forever but I'm tired of the games H is playing. I have found out I have more friends then I could of ever of imagined. They help me stay. busy.

Good Morning,

Sorry to hear that things just keep getting worse.

Boy can I symapthize with wanting to put everything of his on the curb. But before you do that you need a plan.... Have you read the materianl on this web site about Plan A and Plan B? Plan A is the place for you to start.

About the PI thing. PI's generally cost $35 an hour. Can you afford that right now? Do you know where he and this woman are living? An address might be all you need.

Or, does you husband have access to email. Writing him a plan a letter or something asking him to return home may be a good idea. Then if he replys to the negative then you've got what you need at a lot less.

Or, in many states, as long as one of the people in a phone conversation knows it's being recorded, it's legal. If that's legal in your state, call him to talk and get him saying this stuff in person.

Keep us posted often.

hi guys,

just wanted to say I love that line.

" The biggest thing I miss is the physical touch. So many times I just need to be held "

you NAILED it for me. If i decide to leave, I pray the feelings you so eloquently and simply put will leave me and leave me quickly, as it hurts to my core.

peace,
Tim

Here's another post that will really help. It's become a classic....

<a href="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000940" target="_blank">
WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses </a>

I have read that infidelity/adultery is grounds for being ousted out of military...

I have read daybreak and others post about this...

Contact his commanding officer asap as leaving wife and children w/ no visible means of support would also be frowned upon...

If you work... stop any direct deposits to joint account and open a new account...

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When you first learn that you're being divorced, it may be a long-expected event or it may come as a complete surprise.

Either way, there are certain steps you should take to protect yourself, your children and your finances. This does not mean stripping the family home and bank accounts bare. You should, however, take reasonable steps to safeguard your interests. It is an unfortunate fact that sometimes the more reasonable spouse is the one that gets taken advantage of.
There are ways to act reasonably while still protecting your interests. Please note that these suggestions are intended for situations where the separation and divorce may turn adversarial- if you and your spouse are divorcing amicably these kinds of issues can probably be worked out satisfactorily between you. Depending upon how amicable the relationship with the other spouse is and the specifics of your particular situation, you may choose not to act on some or all of the suggestions below, or you may decide that it would be more prudent to inform your spouse after the event. Whenever possible, make a good faith attempt to work things out amicably, and always weigh the consequences of your actions.

If You Have Children, Do NOT Move Out Of The House. Moving out may INSTANTLY ruin any chance of custody that you may have. If you've moved out, move back in right now. Recognize that in some situations, staying will cause heightened tension between you and your spouse, and this increased tension may lead to domestic violence. Be aware of this and work to minimize friction. As an alternative, consider "time-sharing" the family home with your spouse until the custody and divorce issues are worked out.

If You Have Children, Get A Temporary Restraining Order (TRO). In the TRO, specify that the children are prohibited from being taken out of the State. This will prevent your spouse from taking the children to another State and concealing them, something she can legally do if there is no TRO in place. This is a classic tactic of a vengeful spouse, and can wreak havoc on your life and the children's lives too. Needless to say, fighting for custody across State lines is not something you want to do if you can avoid it.

Do NOT Allow Your Spouse To Take The Children And Leave. Your spouse has no more right to take the children from their family home than you do. Make sure that your spouse knows that if he or she wants to leave, they're free to go, but the children stay. Again, as an alternative, consider "time-sharing" the family home with your spouse until the custody and divorce issues are settled. If you suspect your spouse may flee with the children or conceal them from you, read this and this.

Get An Attorney Immediately. Divorce Court is no place for a father to be without competent counsel. Even with a good attorney, as a man the odds are initially stacked against you. You need an experienced Family Law attorney. For more information on evaluating and hiring an attorney, look here and here. Also check out the SPARC Professional Directory and the Good Guys Page for attorneys that may be near you.

Insist On 50% Custody And Parenting Time. If you have children, do not settle for anything less than 50% time with your children. Remember, your spouse does not have any legal right to spend more time with the children than you do. If you settle for less time with the children, you may have set a precedent that will be upheld in court. Insist on the right to spend equal time with the children.

Move Your Personal Papers And Records To A Safe Location, AWAY From The Family Home. These papers should include (but not be limited to): your birth certificate, diplomas, pension papers, and all other personal documents. These papers must be stored someplace where your spouse will have no access to them, such as a trusted friend or co-worker's home. For jointly owned records (bank statements, real estate records, titles, deeds, her tax returns and W2 statements, etc.), make two copies of everything, and give one copy your spouse. Store your copy in a safe location.

Cancel All Jointly-Owned Credit Cards. Meet with your spouse and inform them that you intend to cancel the cards before you do so. It only takes five or ten minutes to cancel your credit cards, and in that same five or ten minutes, your spouse could charge $5,000 on them. If the card is jointly owned, YOU will have to pay some (or more likely ALL) of that $5000 credit card debt. If your spouse already has the cards and has started to go on a spending-spree, report the cards as stolen. The card will be canceled and you may only be liable for the first $50 of whatever charges were put on the card.

Safeguard All Jointly-Owned Bank Accounts. A very common act by angry spouses is to "clean out" a joint account, leaving you with nothing. Remove one-half of the balance of the account, and inform your spouse in writing that you've done so. Make arrangements with your spouse to ensure that any outstanding bills are covered. By taking one-half of the account balance, you are claiming what is rightly yours without "playing dirty", and without attempting to financially ruin your spouse. If you open up a new account, do it at a different bank; don't stay with the same banking company.

Make A Record Of All Marital Property. The best way to do this is with a camcorder. (If possible, do this together with your spouse. If that isn't possible, make a copy of the tape for him or her.) Inventory the entire home and it's contents. Pull items out where they can be seen, and open up drawers so the contents are visible when you tape. Make sure the "date" function is turned on so the date is visible when the tape is viewed. Take the videotape and store it away from the home. If objects "disappear" from the family home, you'll have a solid record of what is missing.

Secure Your More Valuable Personal Property. If you have a stamp or coin collection, firearms, or similar valuable personal items, find a safe place away from the home to store them for a while. Personal mementos and other irreplaceable items should also be stored somewhere safe. This applies only to your personal property, NOT common possessions or community property. If at all possible, meet with your spouse and discuss this with them.

Inventory And Safeguard Any Stored Property. If you have safety deposit boxes or storage units, remove whatever personal property is yours. Again, store it away from the home in a secure location. If, for example, your spouse removes items and disposes of them, it may be very hard later to prove who the items belonged to, or if they even existed at all. Video taping all stored property is also a good idea.

Reduce Unnecessary Expenses Immediately. Meet with your spouse and agree to cancel unneeded utilities, such as cable TV, extra telephone lines, etc. Chances are, you're going to need money in the very near future. Sell personal property you don't want or need like cameras, VCR's, extra vehicles, etc. Do this now, because as soon as you're legally separated these items may be considered "Community Property", in which case you may not be able to sell them even though they're yours.

Start Keeping A Daily Journal. Record any significant event, including telephone calls, time spent with the children, arguments with your spouse, information you discover that may have a bearing on your divorce, etc. Keep this journal in a secure location. Be aware that this written record may be used as evidence, (and seen by opposing counsel) so stick to the facts and date all entries. One possible way to keep this journal from being subpoenaed is to start off each entry by addressing it "To My Attorney, (attorney's name)" so that it automatically becomes "privileged communication" and is therefore not open to subpoena. You may also want to keep a second journal just for yourself, for your personal thoughts and feelings. Look here for tips on keeping documentation.

Don't Sign ANYTHING. Many men have made the mistake of signing papers or preliminary agreements which later caused the outcome of property and custody battles to be decided against them. You may be signing something that no attorney can modify later. Don't do it! If your spouse wants you to sign something, politely say you'll be glad to, but your attorney has "ordered you not to sign anything" before he or she has a look at it.

Prepare Yourself For False Allegations. If you're a man, a common (and effective) tactic is to accuse you of molesting your children. 99.9% of the time this accusation is made by the mother in an attempt to gain (or re-gain) control of custody proceedings. You should contact your attorney at once if this occurs, then follow these guidelines to protect yourself from further allegations.

Stop Contributing To Any IRA's, 401(K) Accounts Or Pension Plans. Usually this is done by simply signing a form at your place of work. There's a good chance that (assuming you don't spend it) some or all of the money in your pension plan or retirement account will be given to your spouse as part of the property settlement, so don't put any more in there. Stopping contributions to pension plans and the like will also put a little more money in your paycheck each week, and chances are, you're going to need it.

If ANY Domestic Violence Occurs, Call The Police. Don't allow your wife to commit ANY domestic violence against you or your children. Call the police at once, insist that an officer come to your residence and file a report. Contact your attorney's office and inform them as soon as possible. You may also want to consider filing a Restraining Order if you fear that you or your children may be subjected to further acts of domestic violence.
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It is important to seek council to make sure that yours and the kids' rights are protected.

Cali

hopeless,

I just posted this on zor's thread, hadn't scrolled down far enough to see your thread here, I am a military spouse that didn't have to go to a first shirt only because of natural consequences my STBXH had to go to the first shirt and tell that he had moved his OW in with him from across the country. First shirt recommended that STBXH move OW out NOW and set her up in her own apartment!!! In my case the first shirt helped. MY STBXH is stationed in UT and I live in SD, but have spoken with the first shirt many times and he has been very supportive of me. I can push to have STBXH discharged from the AF, he has 24 years so they will make him retire, I get half of that as I have been married 21 years. But I would probably lose the spousal support that I have worked hard to get in my divorce. You are intitled to a portion of his retirement if he makes it that far if you are to divorce, I am not sure but you might also get to keep your ID and the priveleges that go with it as of now, base legal can help with that question.

I just get very worked up over the cheating spouse thing, but that we are miltary dependents we have some recourses to fall back on that others out there don't have. We just have to know about them and then use them to our advantage!!!

You found a great friend in zor, she is awesome and very knowledgeable in ways of MB, she used them very successfully, I did too, just got different results, and I am ok with that. I have come thru this as a much stronger person and I love who I am at this time!!!

Best of luck to you and if I can help here is my e mail address: notinsd2001@msn.com

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

posted October 12, 2002 08:41 PM
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zor,

There is a lot of support and financial help thru the military for her. I am not sure what branch of the service she is with but their is a Family Support Center at each base/posts, they will help her get the financial assistants that she needs. The first shirt should be notified immediately, sounds like OW may be the superior.

She will need proof that he is sleeping with the OW to press charges thru the military, something on tape or written, photos of him leaving her place with a date and time on them. She can go to base legal to find out exactly what is needed.

If she does go the first shirt (remember I am AF and don't no the name in the other branches) He will probably pull the 2 in one at a time and tell them to quit shacking up or he will have to take things further, he doesn't have to let it be known that it was the wife that squeled.

She might think of a restraining order and a padlock on the door or change the locks. Someone at Lowes or a Home Depot can show her how to do that her self and it is not very expensaive about $15 a lock. If he keeps coming in without her knowledge.

If she is still living in military housing she does not have to move out, she has so long that she can live there, usually til the divorce is final, depending on the availabilty on their base he can be put up in a dorm, as to being at the OW's house, the first shirt will probable suggest this.

I am not sure if any of this will help her or not, perhaps it will helpp give her strength to do what she needs to do on Tuesday.

I am glad that you were there to help her, you are such a calming person, in the face of such turmoil. You are awesome!!!

Dawn

Your husband needs to feel this crisis. He is in "~LaLa Land~" .... and the reality of his stupid decision has not been felt. He needs to FEEL this crisis. Report him to his superior. RIGHT AWAY. Take the bank records with you . Go to your physician and tell him/her exactly what's what .... so it is documented in your medical record ... ask for a complete STD screening panel ... ask for something to help you with the depression (Prozac works well) ... DOCUMENT THIS CRISIS .... it needs to be REALLY REALLY clear that a military man is abandoning his family.

Do NOT think this is "love busting" if you do this ... this is simply the natural consequences of his decisions. It is not smart to cower in a corner waiting for him to return.

You have children. Right now they need you to be tough. Read "Love Must Be Tough"by James Dobson. Get it from the library. This is the best book (in my opinion) for a woman caught in this particular trap.

Be kind in voice and manner, do not yell or pout or cry, and yet .... BE FIRM ..... "Husband, the consequence of your moving out with Miss Thang is that I am forced to do this ____" <inform him calmly of facts> .... Then .... END OF DISCUSSION ... do not bargain .... make up your mind what is the right thing to do (the RIGHT and the SMART thing) .... and do not engage in further discussion. You may listen silently if he tries to complain, or argue, or call you names .... but do not respond. Just repeat your decision .... "I have decided I must do this ____." Do not start ANY SENTENCE with the word "You" ..... Speak to him with facts .... not feelings. I know this is difficult for you right now when you are bleeding from your soul .... but, trust me, becoming emotional will only make matters worse. He needs to see he is dealing with a mother tigress. So ROAR BABY ..... ROAR!

A crisis will bring this stupidity out where it belongs ... on his doorstep.

THINK .... DECIDE .... ACT ---> this is YOUR duty as a mother of abandoned children.

My opinion, as always.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ October 12, 2002, 09:15 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>