My H had an affair with my (former) best friend. Surprisingly enough, he is still very close friends and business partners with her (ex) husband. She has since moved away. Her H is an advisor for a fraternity. He tends to hang out with people quite a bit younger than him. He is 7 years younger than my H.

He asked my H to go to a fraternity formal with him out of town. I was concerned that they would drink and drive and encouraged them to stay at the hotel where the event was taking place. The friend's female friend was also going. She was living with another guy who would not let her go if she stayed the night. (Don't ask me why she went, seemed inappropriate to me). So they planned on coming home that evening and only brought formal dress clothes with them.

Well, they never came home. I couldn't sleep thinking they were dead in the ditch somewhere. In the morning my H called and asked me to pick him up in a town 10 miles away where his partner/friend was dropping him off.

We went to breakfast after I picked him up. I was very upset when I found out that my H, his friend and this (very drunk) female friend had shared a hotel room. My H was the only married person there, and about 20 years older than most of the students.

His reason? They were "so drunk they couldn't drive." So I asked him why he didn't get his own room. He said he was saving money. Oh, the female did NOT pay for 1/3 of the room either. I told him I knew he only brought dress clothes and asked what they slept in (assuming she was walking around half naked, she has loose moral standards). He said 'I don't remember.'

Well, since then his partner/friend let it slip that he had slept with this girl once but only because "they were drunk and she's a nymphomaniac."

On another occasion my H was talking to his partner on ICQ and she was at his house. She started chatting with my husband and made a sexual comment to him. Of course I got upset about this, since he destroyed my trust with his affair. He also would go to lunch with the 2 of them and dance with them 'in a group' at the bar.

This all happened in the past, but he doesn't really understand why it upset me so much. I don't bring it up anymore but sometimes (like today) something will trigger that memory and I get angry at them. I feel like he used extremely poor judgement and his actions were disrespectful to our marriage. Before his affair, I would not have been pleased but wouldn't have been as upset as I am after the affair.

I will NEVER understand how he can be such good friends with the H of the woman he slept with and left our marriage for. It's a constant trigger for me. He lives a very immoral lifestyle and I think the appeal of that has rubbed off on my husband.

I am very grateful that we have gone to counseling and made our marriage work. I guess I just don't have much tolerance anymore for this type of stuff. I asked a friend if I was over-reacting. She very calmly said that she'd be furious if her husband had pulled this. What do you think?

I too would be very furious!!! Al hotel rooms that I have been in have a phone or there is one in a lobby if the noise in the room is to loud to carry on a conversation. He should have called at the least.

And you may be on to something thinking that the friends laid back attitude and free life style are alluring to your H, how could they not be, the firend has a divorce and look what he gets to do.

Just my 2 cents worth, tonight!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'd be upset too. Has your husband seen the list of extraordinary measures to avoid affairs? Just the imporpriaty of this is disrespectful to you.

You know, it is amazing how my FWH has had a total shift in the co-workers that he considers friends since ending the A. At one time, the carefree, sex talking guys were his friends. The ones that pulled practical jokes, flirted with the female co workers and talked about their home sex life. With a little "help" from me, he's seen that they helped "set him up" to be entwined in his A. One of his "friends", supposedly a church going, upstanding fellow, was the first one to encourage the ow to try to kiss my H!! Some friend.
That same "friend" is still flirting, teasing, treadin on dangerous ground with the woman. Only now he's doing it without participation from my H. My H no longer talks about our sex life with his co-workers. He no longer spends time alone with female co workers, he avoids it. And he's found friendships he's very comfortable with among stable older men who enjoy talking about subjects that are not XXX rated or even 'R rated.

'Sometimes a change of friends is a must. Had my H continued to hang around the wrong crowd, not only would they have continued to encourage improper behavior, they would have helped set it up!! And of course, the further he is from her "circle of friends" the better it is for me and for him. He will still visit with his old friends, he hasn't cut them off like he has her, but he doesn't hang out with them, and he's guarded about where he allows the conversations to go.

Do his friendships mean he doesn't want to do the right things for your marriage? Not necessarily. He may just need to see that friends to influence you - prior to an A, during an A, and after an 'A.

I would be upset too. Try talking and reasoning with him. Tell him how you feel. My H had an A as well and it is so hard to trust him on anything. I would never get upset about little things like I do now. I'm just scared its going to go back down hill again. Like things he did during the affair, if he does them now I analyze them, when they are probably nothing.

Could you have went with him? Spending some fun time together is a must.

Hang in there and I'll say a prayer for you.

Faith7

Hey Zorweb, what is the list to avoid affairs? I've never seen it.

Faith7 and maggierose,

Here’s the rules for avoiding infidelity..

Maggierose, I’ve been thinking about what I’d do if my husband did this. Because of the appearance of this and that you have no idea what really went on I’d consider this very close to actually having an affair. IMHO you and your husband need to have a come to Jesus meeting over this. This ‘friend’ and his life style are a very bad influence on you husband and very bad for your marriage.

Infidelty is not caused by unmet emotional needs. It is caused by people not having appropriate boundaries and not protecting their love/marriage. Rebuild your marriage according to the MB concepts and live by the rules of avoiding infidelity Otherwise it’s a crap shoot (IMHO).

Whenever I counsel someone who seems incurably attracted to the opposite sex, I give them the following rules to avoid temptation: 1) Spend all your recreational time either alone or with your spouse, 2) no meals alone with someone of the opposite sex, 3) no rides in cars alone with those of the opposite sex, 4) never tell someone of the opposite sex thay you find them attractive or that you like them and 5) if someone of the opposite sex ever tells you that they find you attractive, start talking about how much you love your spouse………

"10 Rules for Avoiding Infidelity

Keeping members of the opposite sex out of your intimate way is crucial to the success of marriage. In today’s world, it takes focus and planning. Consider the following ten rules of avoiding potentially damaging relationships with members of the opposite sex.

Rule 1: Keep It All Business at the Office

What’s integral to your job and what’s not? You certainly want cordial relationships with all your colleagues. However, being cordial means inquiring of a colleague how her sick mom is doing and how her daughter’s birthday party was. It doesn’t mean chatting for a half hour and laughing about his recent trip to Egypt. Keep conversations that aren’t strictly related to business short and sweet. A person rarely talks to you for any length of time unless you hold up your end of the conversation.

Rule 2: Avoid Meetings with Members of the Opposite Sex Outside of the Workplace

If you have to work together through lunch or dinner, order food into the office rather than go out. Restaurants are far more intimate than your office, and you are much more likely to discuss issues outside of business when you’re on the outside. When you do finish a project, avoid the celebratory coffee, drinks, or dinner. Celebrate with your husband or wife at home instead. Share with your partner how much energy this project took. Let your mate into your life more rather than cutting him or her out by bonding a little more with your colleague. You don’t owe your colleague dinner or the reward of friendship because you worked together. If someone at the office cracks open the champagne for the group, by all means, join in the toast, but don’t linger. Congratulate everyone on a job well done, but make it clear where your attention and allegiance lie by explaining that you have a date with your spouse.

When you do have to meet outside the office, make the meeting in a public place that isn’t conducive to intimacy. Avoid long car rides, as the close physical proximity and inability to leave one another begs for idle chatter and potential intimacy.

Rule 3: Meet in Groups

When meeting with members of the opposite sex, try to avoid meeting alone. The addition of even one extra person greatly minimizes any potential for intimacy. Even if it means asking a coworker to tag along for no other reason but to make sure the meeting stays focused on business, it’s worthwhile. Group meetings also send the message to others that we’re here for a particular goal and then we’re through. People hold back from intimacy in a group both because they’re naturally more cautious about sharing and because they’re not sure if what they have to say will interest the whole group.

Rule 4: Find Polite Ways of Ending Personal Conversations

Learn to bow out gracefully from conversations that you feel are too intimate for comfort. If you feel someone is sharing personal information that is likely to draw you into a more intimate relationship, end the conversation politely. For example, say something like, “This sounds very serious, and I just don’t know what to say. I surely don’t feel comfortable giving advice on such an important issue. If I were you, I’d talk to someone who really knows me well, or even consider talking to a clergy person or counselor to air out my thoughts.” In this way you’ve referred the person to others who could be more of help and made sure you won’t become the shoulder to lean on.

Rule 5: Avoid Consistency in the Relationship

You’d think from these rules that I’ve never carried on more than a forty-five-second conversation with a female since my marriage. Yet I’ve had plenty of conversations with personal content. I just don’t have them consistently. To tell a colleague about the great time you had on your vacation or to listen to her go on about hers for a while is fine, as long as it ends there and as long as such conversations unrelated to business are inconsistent. What you want to avoid are regular, ongoing personal conversations in which you’re developing themes, favorite topics, or a continuing dialogue. Relationships need time and consistency to build. Having an occasional laugh is safe, as long as it stays rare.

Rule 6: Don’t Share Your Personal Feelings

When you do find yourself engaged in conversation with a member of the opposite sex, share little of your personal experience or feelings. This curtails the other person’s ability to relate to you. This doesn’t mean you can’t be polite or helpful. If your colleague shares with you that he’s learning to scuba dive, you could ask him how it’s going and if he’s enjoying it without sharing that it’s been your personal dream to do the same for years. If you feel the need to share that feeling, tell your spouse that night instead about how you were talking to someone who’s begun lessons and that you’re frustrated that you haven’t found the time to do it.

Rule 7: Be Unflinchingly Honest with Yourself

Sometimes people convince themselves that it can even help their marriage to express some sexual energy through “innocent” flirtatious conversations: “Hey, I’m not going to do anything, so where’s the harm?” However, ask yourself how uncomfortable you’d be if your spouse found a similar method of “improving” your marriage. Be aware of whether you are ever feeling the slightest twinge of intimacy or attraction, whether sexually or emotionally. Consider honestly why you’re looking forward to the next time you meet up again with that person. Be truthful if you have a little bounce in your step as you walk away from a conversation with him or her, or you suddenly have a little more energy after it. Think your flirtation is so innocent? Test yourself: Would you tell your spouse? If you tell yourself that your interaction with a certain person of the opposite sex is fine, ask yourself if your spouse would agree.

Rule 8: Avoid Cordial Kisses and Hugs, or Dancing with Members of the Opposite Sex

This may sound extreme, but with even one kiss comes a certain intimacy. Even a cordial hello kiss can be quite a sensual experience. Most often, a simple handshake will do. In the psychoanalytic community, there are clear guidelines that prohibit physical contact, even with same-sex patients. This is not only because of the fear that a sympathetic hug might lead somewhere sexually but because a simple hug immediately changes the relationship and can confuse the perception of both parties. If you ever need a polite excuse for avoiding a kiss or dance, explain that you have a cold and fear it’s contagious. You can always clasp the shaker’s hand with both hands to indicate extra warmth without introducing intimate touch. I realize that it’s become common to hug and kiss even business associates. I join with Miss Manners in disapproving of this unnecessary intimacy.

Rule 9: Don’t Drink Around the Opposite Sex

When we drink alcohol, we lose our inhibitions and clarity. I’m not talking just about the kind of dead drunk that’ll get you into bed when you don’t want to, or aren’t thinking straight (although I’m skeptical how much decision making we lose from drinking—after all, I’ve never heard a heterosexual husband say, “Really, honey, I don’t remember anything except waking up the next morning to find him in my bed”). Even a single glass of wine or shot of scotch is enough to relax you and lead to a more personal conversation that may be damaging to your marriage at a later time. It’s these conversations that leave a door open for later intimacy. If you’re at a party and really want to join in the festivities, plant yourself next to your spouse.

Rule 10: Show Your Commitment to Your Spouse Daily

Do something thoughtful for your spouse every single day. This could be a lovely note, a phone call, or a more elaborate effort to plan a getaway. Doing something for your spouse reminds you throughout the day how special this person is to you. Focus on the kind things your spouse has done for you, and remember that relationships take effort and time to grow. Have lots of photos of your spouse, kids, and pets around the office as a visual reminder to you and others of your priorities. Even when I’m staying in a hotel for one night, I place two or three photos of my wife and family around the hotel room. I don’t need the photos to avoid an affair. But I do need to be cloaked in love, and photos can help me focus on how much love I have in my life even when my family is far away."

It sounds completely unacceptable. Next time, you go with him- he doesn't belong at the fraternity party anyway... with a woman, and h e does need to do something imho with hanging with the h of the woman he had an a with.

WHat a mess, I would be fuming, but you must be careful- dont blow your top. Talk calmly and find a solution so this does not happen again.

Does he care that he is hurting you.

Thanks, Zorweb for sharing the rules to avoid infidelity. It may seem odd to mention it here, but when I was in my horrible A the OM and I often talked of these sorts of issues. In his M, x-OM had all kinds of freedom, and opposite sex friendships were 'okay' with his W, according to OM. She would let him drive her friends around the entire state, never worried about his behavior. He was a serial philanderer, I believe.

Another thing he liked to do was hang around with much younger people. That sends up a red flag for me now, as it did then. It seems odd that a man in his forties would want to hang with college kids. Many young girls love to 'turn on' an older man, just for the power it makes them feel. Who needs that to worry about?

I agree with all here who say this behavior is unacceptable, and that sometimes people need to find new friends. People who party and drink too much tend to have a VERY different view of appropriate behavior.

Take care,
H_P

Not only would I be upset, but I would wonder if my H was also involved sexually with the female drinking, dancing, hotel-rooming partner!

Perhaps he feels that by telling you parts of what went on, that should ease your suspicions, but based on the history, it would only make me wonder?

If the girl was supposedly with the other guy, then it seems fair and reasonable to me that the other guy would AT LEAST pay 2/3 of the bill?!!

Sounds fishy to me--all of it. No married person belongs in a situation like that... ever!