Hello, this is my first post on this site but I've been reading from this site for a couple weeks now. It's helping me tremendously.

Here's my situation. My wife is a beautiful fitness model and personal trainer. We've been married for 11 years and have two children. Approximately 1 year ago, I noticed that my wife's behaviour was changing dramatically. I noticed she was spending large amounts of time of bodybuilding forums.

I went to these sites and saw posts where my wife was being very flirty and sexual with many people. This bothered me a little but I just ignored it thinking she was just having fun. One time she left her account open and I looked in her private message box. Well there were explicit sexual emails from her to several men. I became upset. One in particular really bothered me.It was from a man calling himself Dr. PAin.

Dr pain and my wife had been flirting alot on the forum and I felt uncomfortable, but when I read the cyber sex between them I became angry. I monitored them and the cybersex contiued. Finally, they started professing love for one another, I was devastated and confronted her. She
said that she didn't mean it and it would stop.

I continued to monitor them and although the cybersex stopped, the sexual innuendo's continued and they talked to each other as if they were lovers, ie "I miss you" "I'll be thinking of you all day" etc. They also acted as if I was the bad guy who was keeping them from being able to talk. I confronted her again and demanded she cease all contact, or I was leaving. She basically chose him as she continues to have contact with him.

We are going to see a marriage counsellor, but I don't know if it's going to work. I'm so angry with her. For a year I endured this affair and the pain it wrought. Then when I confront her she gets angry with me. Now she says I made her lose her best friend and she won't talk to me.

I think she loved all the attention she gets from men, and she became addicted to it. She doesn't seem to understand the pain this has caused me, She says I'm just being jealous and mean.

How can I love this woman with all my heart, yet at the same time despise her for her selfishness and disrespect toward me?

I shouldn't have let the affair fester for nearly a year, but I tried to convince myself it was meaningless and nobody was being hurt. I was wrong. I was being hurt...badly. The emotional attachment she has with this man....I don't think I can ever forgive her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hello,
I know it's hard, but when you get professional help you will realize you MUST forgive. If you harbor these feelings og anger and unforgiveness it will turn your heart hard and consume you internally. You'll never forget, but you need to forgive. This can lead to bitterness, which is a sin. You'll feel better forgiving and getting on with a better improved marriage. She'll appreciate it to. Just note, when things get better DO NOT bring up the past in new arguements. It will only open wounds and damage your marriage. Just talking from experience. Also, seek spiritual guidance. It will balance your marriage. It may fill a void missing in your lives.

mmafiter,

It sounds like your wife has some emotional needs that you are not tending to and perhaps this other man is. If your wife can't fulfill her needs within the marriage, she will fulfill them with someone else.

Emotional needs are very legitimate and need to be reckoned with. Talk to your wife and try to find out what it is that she is missing or not receiving from you, or from the marriage. Try and find out what it is that this other man provides her that you don't or can't.

She is in need of something that the marriage doesn't provide or she wouldn't stray from the marriage in the first place.

You posted:

"How can I love this woman with all my heart, yet at the same time despise her for her selfishness and disrespect toward me?"

I'm going to be a little harsh here...Get over yourself! You may be as much to blame for her wanting to stray as she is. Maybe the reason she is seeking emotional intimacy with someone else is because you have your shields up. If the two of you aren't communicating each others needs then how is the other to know.

Furthermore, it's awfully hard to despise and hate someone, especially the person you're married to. I suspect that you Love her or you wouldn't have cared enough to post here.

I hope your counselor can shine some light on the matter. Good luck. Keep posting.

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ October 13, 2002, 12:40 AM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

Thanks for the replies.

I have told her I forgive her, but she is so angry with me for making her lose her "best friend" that she won't discuss the issue.

I know I must have not been meeting her Emotional needs, but I honestly thought I was! I would tell her "I love you" and kiss and hug her everyday, at many different times. I would ask her about her day, and be interested in her interest's, but she doesn't open up and talk. If she won't talk about what she wants, how am I to become a better husband to her?

I know I need to get over my anger, but I find it very hard. Particularly when she continues to be angry with me for making her stop, when for over a year I watched this affair flourish and eat at me, while I repeatedly asked her to stop.

I asked her to write out her top 5 emotional needs from this site and I gave her my list. It's been a week and she still hasn't responded. I can only hope she talks during our counselling sessions. I feel like such a doormat.

You have nothing to feel sorry about. Your wife is married to you and for a year she has cybersex with another man and tells him how much she loves him. She is mad at you because you made her stop this nonsense? I guarantee you if the roles were reversed and you were having phone sex with another woman for a year she never would have accepted continued contact.
She should be apologizing to you for putting your marriage in jeopardy by falling in love with another man. By the way her best friend should be you and not another man she has cybersex with.
I suggest continued counseling but if she continues to have contact with this man then it will be a matter of time before she gets physical with him or eventually with someone else. You cannot make someone to be committed to a marriage if they they do not desire to be in one. Remember she should show remorse to you for her behavior. You certainly can try to meet her needs but being a doormat for someone who cheats on you and continues to cheat on you is not a solution. If she continues this behavior and shows no remorse then you really no longer have a marriage anymore and you will need to protect yourself. She sounds like a cakewoman who enjoys acting single with other men while having the financial security of a marriage and a forgiving husband. I wish you luck.

MMa,
I am sorry for what you 're going through. I put my exH through some horribly bad times, started with the internet, but he and I didn't go to counselling. Instead, I stupidly met the OM in person, and the PA commenced shortly thereafter.

I so wish that I could talk with your wife, and tell her about my life now. I'm alone, divorced, exH wants nothing to do with me , and I dumped the OM (began as internet 'friend') as I saw what he really is, and more importantly, I finally realized how much I truly love my ExH.

Your wife is truly in the fog of an internet fantasy. It's so easy to hide who you are behind the 'font' on a computer.

I would remind you to tell her you do love her ,and that you want to find out what is lacking in your marriage for her to do this to you. She may need therapy , too, to find out why she so craves male attention--from so many males. Affairs rip families apart, and divorce is not the 'easy' thing that the media portrays it to be. It's sheer torture at times, to be alone after having a husband/wife for years. All your dreams and hopes of life as you knew it are shattered and gone for good.

Hope that your wife and you can work it out.
You can if you both want to work on it!
H_P

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mmafiter:
<strong>
Approximately 1 year ago,

She says I'm just being jealous and mean.

for over a year

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sure my input is not welcome here but I'm giving it anyway. You've also said that I "drink" as in "abuse alcohol".....I'm not sure if you're lying to make yourself feel better or look better or what?!

So now that I'm here...let me ask the board in general...is it okay to use the children as a pawn in these situations to get me to do what he wants? Is it okay to use violence and threatening behaviour? I know my own opinions on these issues, but I'd like someone to tell me it's okay for him to do that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bryanp:
<strong> By the way her best friend should be you </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're absolutely right!!!!

To *********

I assume you are his wife. To answer your question.
1) Is it acceptable to use children as a pawn.
The answer is no.
2) Is it acceptable to use threatening behavior.
The answer is no.
3) Is is acceptable to use violence.
The answer is no.

Cheating spouses drive betrayed spouses insane at times. You know you would not accept this if the roles were reversed. Please get into counseling to decide if you wish to be committed to being in a faithful marriage or not. It is unfair to your children and your husband. It sounds like he has anger issues that need to be addressed. You cannot expect a spouse to be mentally stable if they know their spouse is in love with someone else and engages in cyber sex with them. Decide how you wish to live your life and how you wish your children to be raised. Hopefully counsling will be successful but you need to communicate openly and honestly. The bottom line is that you cannot be in a healthy marriage if you are emotionally or physically involved with another man but I think you know this. I wish you luck.

Ah...everyone if you haven't guessed ***** is my wife! I'm glad you came on this site, hopefully you take a look around and read some of thier informative articles, it's really helped me deal with our problems.

When I said these mean things to you, it was the day you said you would rather leave me than cease all contact with the other man (OM). You basically said you were leaving! I was extremely angry and betrayed. Of course I was wrong to say these things, but under the circumstances I understand why I said them. Like I've already told you, I shouldn't have waited so long to confront you, all that did was let my anger and bitterness simmer for a year. Maybe if I confronted you as soon as I discovered the affair, I wouldn't be so angry. I don't know.

Your input is most welcome, whatever you need to do to discuss these issues is fine with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I love you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bryanp:
<strong>To *********

I assume you are his wife. To answer your question.
1) Is it acceptable to use children as a pawn.
The answer is no.
2) Is it acceptable to use threatening behavior.
The answer is no.
3) Is is acceptable to use violence.
The answer is no.

Cheating spouses drive betrayed spouses insane at times. You know you would not accept this if the roles were reversed. Please get into counseling to decide if you wish to be committed to being in a faithful marriage or not. It is unfair to your children and your husband. It sounds like he has anger issues that need to be addressed. You cannot expect a spouse to be mentally stable if they know their spouse is in love with someone else and engages in cyber sex with them. Decide how you wish to live your life and how you wish your children to be raised. Hopefully counsling will be successful but you need to communicate openly and honestly. The bottom line is that you cannot be in a healthy marriage if you are emotionally or physically involved with another man but I think you know this. I wish you luck.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You sir are absolutely correct! Particularly about the driving thier spouse crazy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by *****:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mmafiter:
<strong>
Approximately 1 year ago,

She says I'm just being jealous and mean.

for over a year

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sure my input is not welcome here but I'm giving it anyway. You've also said that I "drink" as in "abuse alcohol".....I'm not sure if you're lying to make yourself feel better or look better or what?!

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want to argue, but you keep saying you've only known Dr. pain for 7 months, where I say it's a year. I looked on the ABC site and your journal "body by pain" starts February 19th! And in the journal you state your body is by Dr pain leading me to conclude you knew him before that. Let's see that makes it about 10 months at least, but that's just when you started that journal. I assume you knew him before then, since you named it after him and your sig was "princess of pain."

So for the sake of argument, let's just say a year, like I've always said. Trust me, I know how long I've been watching you two.

When you stop communicating with Dp, we can move on a forget about this. I'm not lying or tryin to make you look bad.

Yeah...and let's say, just for the sake of arguement, that I AM an "alcoholic disease to the family".....nice try. I don't have access anymore, look in archived nutrition for "calling the good doctor"....it was my first post to him and our first contact. ...what was the date?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by *****:
<strong>Yeah...and let's say, just for the sake of arguement, that I AM an "alcoholic disease to the family".....nice try. I don't have access anymore, look in archived nutrition for "calling the good doctor"....it was my first post to him and our first contact. ...what was the date?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What? I already said I was wrong to say that to you. I was angry, and I lashed out because you said you were leaving me. I WAS WRONG!!! I apalogize.

As for the date your affair started, ok I was wrong again the date was actually, Feb 17th 02. There, it's been 9 months not a year, gee I feel like a [censored]! I guess that whole affair was ok then because it was only for 9 months and not a year!

Stop being angry at losing your buddy and being embarrassed, and let's move on. You have agreed to counselling, I can only assume that means you want our marriage to work as well.