Turns out it happened during the month she had moved out. I dragged the truth out of her tonight. It was in his car. How romantic <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

She is terribly upset now, and I am very calm. I knew that the other shoe would drop eventually, and I am glad to finally know the truth after 4 months of being lied to.

Both ICs told her not to tell me. I have asked WW not to go back to them, that they are evil and wrong for telling her to lie.

I needed to know the truth in order to process it. Jesus forgave the adultress, and Hosea took his wife back after her adultry as well, so I can at least try.

This really doesn't change too much, actually, I am not as upset with her as I thought I would be. I am very very pissed at the OM again. What a piece of $&!T.

Could you folks please give me pros and cons regarding contact with OM... Phone or in person... I want to hurt him really bad, but I have been proud of myself so far for not doing anything. I do want to call him up and let him know what a piece of $#!T he is.

Oh well... Life goes on...

NSST

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Could you folks please give me pros and cons regarding contact with OM... Phone or in person... I want to hurt him really bad, but I have been proud of myself so far for not doing anything. I do want to call him up and let him know what a piece of $#!T he is. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NSST,

It ain't worth going to jail over. So don't do anything of that magnitude.

I have never seen the OM in my situation. I know where he lives, what he drives, where he works, but really haven't seen him close up.

I do have several hours of video, though, of the OM and WW's rendezvous. It's killing them to know exactly what I have on video, but I'll NEVER tell or show.

That drives 'em bananas! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'll let 'em live with that "haunt" for many years to come.

Their trysts were in public, (trying to hide like teenagers) so there is no legal obligation for me to let them see, or have them.

Ain't I BAAADDDDDDD? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But...since I was a customer of the company he works for (one of the largest package shippers), and he was on duty, his employer is VERY concerned with my complaint. I'm afraid he's a short timer.

Now, some of you will say that I shouldn't do this, but here is my philosophy:

He would not have wanted somebody "doing" his W, while he was "doing" mine. He knew the risk, and thought it was worth it.

I wonder if he thinks that now?

Who knows? When the dust settles and all is calm, there may just be some excerpts from a video surface.

Would that be h3ll or what?

As to telling him he is a piece of [censored]...If he doesn't already know it himself, he ain't gonna believe you. Useless.

If he's so damned dumb that he will risk his life for some nooky, being a piece of [censored] is the LEAST of his worries! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Gawd....I'm on a roll.....

Reminds me of the old saying of this:

DO you know what the WORST thing you can do to the man that fools with a M'd woman?

Let HIM have to deal with her.......

HCII

I agree that she should find other counselors.
What a bunch of crap to tell her to continue lying to her husband. They are a disgrace to the profession. If the OM is married I would certainly contact his wife. I wish you luck.

Thanks, guys.

I am disgusted with the counselors. What trash. I am going to complain at the clinic where one works. The other jerk, I don't know what to do about him.

I have been up a while, and now I am upset - very upset - somehow, I *knew,* but was hanging on to a shred of hope that she had not lowered herself that far - that my gut was wrong. I asked three or four times, and each time she denied intercourse. I feel like such a fool. Played like this. Cuckolded. I am mad.

I don't think I want to be around her for a while, maybe forever. I am considering having her go stay with her parents for a week. If she sees the OM, well, I really don't care. That SOB can go straight to he&#0124;&#0124;. I wish deulling were still legal. I should have the right to demand satisfaction.

I am going to think about this for the week she is gone, and hopefully decide whether or not I can stay married to her. She disgusts me right now. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I am definately not 'in love' with her at this moment. First time in 7 years. I do *love* her though, and I hope that her revealing this - *finally* - will cause her to see how sleazy and dirty it really was. I would like to think that I could forgive even this. Wishful thinking, maybe.

It really pi$$es me off that she didn't tell me sooner so I could have processed it by now. Now, I feel like I did on d-day. I am miserable. I have tried all along to 'assume' that they did the deed so that if it finally came out that they did, it wouldn't hurt, but that didn't work.

At least I can vent here. I have not vented to her - nor will I, and I don't want to tell this to anyone in person. It is too embarrasing. I feel like such a chump. ****AGHHHHHHHHHH****

Very Sad, Very Mad, Miserable, Heartbroken Tiger...

hey there
see exactly where you're coming from and what you're feeling right now. I too have fantasies of paying OM a visit with a cricket bat. Maybe, one day, I'll do it. I'll never forget.
however, as convenient as it is to focus all your frustrations, problems onto one single source, whacking him doesnt solve any of those. it's about you, you and you. it's about your wife. it's about your relationship.
the most important thing for you to get at now is for your WW to commit to NC and to give your R a try. the next couple of days/weeks will be exra hard given the new revelation - so be extra careful not to do anyting rash or to LB. just hang in, look after yourself. do the couple of things you always wanted to do. pamper yourself. and then, take a check after a couple of weeks.

Hang in there, tiger

Tiger,
I know what you mean when you say you feel like a chump! I am having such a hard time after my wife confessed to having 2 other PAs. I was blown away. I never thought she could have done this. It hurts so deep to think about it.
I stared off wrong. She still emails one of the OM and says he makes her feel good. Doesn't criticize her for her errors and is understanding. Of course he doesn't criticize her, he was one of her errors. I asked her if she would cut off all communication with all of the OM. She didn't know if she could do that. Anyway, as I talked with her I was not expressing any concern for her feelings or what she was missing. Ended up bad, as to the tune of "we'll start paper work on Monday" bad. After leaving and reading some posts here and talking to a mutual friend, I talked to her again and said sorry for not trying to understand how she felt and putting my needs in front of hers. I feel I have a right to have my issues brought up, but with her being in the "fog" she would never see it that way. After I talked to her and told her that I wanted to understand her and wanted to put her first, her attitude changed. She still left for the weekend, but has called several times just to tell my where they are and what they are up to. As far as I know she is being honest and until I know different that is what I will believe. I can't say it solved our problems but at least she is being nice with me and we can talk. I am still in so much pain I can barely function, but I can't let her see me like this. Sometimes I want her to see how much pain she has brought to me, but it will only make it harder for her to share with me how she feels.
I still want to try and work on our M, but just don't know what I will feel tomorrow, in an hour, or in a second. My emotions are changing so fast I have a hard time keeping up. I know I do love her, just don't know when the trust will come back.
CD

I've been there and alot of us have. When I found out my wife had an affair, which I had suspected for a while, my first reaction was to end it and then inflict some bodily damage on her accomplice. The smartest thing I've ever done, though, was to recognize that I was in no condition to make lifetime decisions. She was not at home when I found the goods. I had one of her bags open on the bed to begin packing it for her, when something made me stop. We have a child. I knew that if there was going to be any chance of recovery, that would be the best thing, and I had to at least be able to tell myself I tried.

I confronted her the next day. She denied it at first (as she had before), but when confronted with the evidence she came clean. The next week was hell, a lot of outbursts on my part, defensiveness alternated with remorse on her part. We went to counseling. She started no-contact. We grew from there.

I knew who the guy was. I wanted so badly to confront him. I've learned that he did not make my wife have an affair. It was tempting to me to blame him and not my wife, because then I wouldn't share any blame in allowing our marriage to reach a condition where an affair was more likely to occur.

One day I went to his office to confront him. I was really angry and confused. As a Christian, I knew I needed to pray about the matter. I didn't get out of the car that day, I just prayed. A few days later, I went back. I knew then that my original script for our meeting, which was nothing but hate and a desire for revenge, would be unGodly (even if understandable) and would jeopardize what we were working on in rebuilding our marriage. So I went in to see him and told him: "I'm not here to talk about the past. That's done, and you know how I feel about it. I'm here to talk about the future. We're trying to get past what has happened, and you can help us or hurt us. My wife has sent you a letter saying she regrets the affair and does not want to see you anymore. I'm here to ask you if you intend to comply with her request or if your intentions are to make it harder for us." He said he was out of the picture, that the letter was very clear, and that he would not stand in the way of our recovery. Now, if he's ever tempted to contact her, he will have to break his word to a man who treated him respectfully and looked him in the eye and told him what was expected.

Just one guy's story. Take it slow. If you act now, you may not be able to handle it. I couldn't have at this stage. If you want to give your marriage a chance, don't do something that could blow it up. If you're not sure you want to be married to her now, don't think you're going to be sure 9 months later where I am either. But don't you want to say you tried?

BTST

I am so sorry to know that what you least wanted to hear is true. I can't begin to imagine how hard this must be for you after coming along to a point of calm and possible recovery. Recovery is still possible, but you know that anything you do now when you are suffering, and in so much pain will not be the best time to make life changing decisions.

Please please please, do not do anything rash about OM. He is not worth it, and from experience, my H felt absolutely terrible when he was lowered to the humiliation of being in a Police cell. The pleasure he felt was fleeting compared to the lasting embarrassment and lowering of self esteem having to be involved with the Police.

Whatever you decide to do, or whether your W goes away for a few days, come here to vent, and know that there are people here who can help you and are thinking of you.

Take care

Lisa

Sad Tiger,

You can make it clear to OM without hurt or risk to yourself.

I went to see mine. I controlled my rage, I spelled it out quite plainly that I would tell his family both verbally and in writing, that I would tell his employers in writing. I then walked away.

It gave me satisfaction knowing that he now knew that I knew. The very fabric of the A was altered. I believe that the A did not truly finish until I did take this step.

And believe me I would have followed thru if it had continued.

Neil.