I've been thinking about this topic for a while and have decided to post it. All of us BSs were not only disrespected by our WS, but also by the OP. I've always found making friends easy, and gaining respect easy. Most people when they meet me, like me, and when they see how much I go the extra mile for my H and my family (not to mention other people too) they respect me and don't try to "mess up what I've got going on." Also most people see the love my H has for me as he displays this prominently in public.

My question - How can I insert myself into his work life to gain this respect without being intrusive? The OW had been working with him about 6 months, and I had only seen/ran into her once. It was when I dropped off his anniversary present at work. At that time the A had not started although an inappropriate friendship was well in the works, and she knew where she was going to try to take it.

I'm not trying to figure out where I went wrong last time, instead I'm trying to figure out where to go in the future. Take cookies to work? Call him frequently? (I don't want to be annoying). Drop in for lunch? Suggestions?

Since the end of the A, and since he still works with her, he's started inviting me to eat lunch anytime he's in town. He also calls me at least twice a day, which he had not been doing prior. So my presence is there now, and his devotion to me is easily seen. Are there some OP that try to get the spouse no matter how solid the marriage might seem? My OW knew I was a good wife in many ways because H would brag on me. That still didn't stop her.

Feedback please?

<small>[ October 13, 2002, 01:37 AM: Message edited by: jamup ]</small>

Take cookies to work? Call him frequently? (I don't want to be annoying). Drop in for lunch?

Those are good. Also socialize with the people in his office. If they go to happy hour, you go. Have social functions at your home.

All of these help, but there are always people who do not care about the marriage. They just want what they want and do not care who it hurts. What you really need to do is to make sure that you and your husband take extraordinary precautions to avoid any situation that puts either of you alone with a member of the opposite sex. That way you do not have to focus on the OW'en of this world. Your husband should be the gatekeeper of your marriage. Remember that no matter what OW's intent was, it was only possible with your husband's cooperation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Remember that no matter what OW's intent was, it was only possible with your husband's cooperation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm well aware of that, and when rereading my post, thought it probably came out a little bit wrong. Shall I say that she was the aggressor? There's not need for me to prove this point by rehashing the events as it is irrelevant to the topic. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Not to mention, I try to avoid triggers, and retelling the events of the A tend to be one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hi Jam
I like Zorweb's idea of having social events at your home, inviting others from the workplace. This could be on any scale you want - a larger party for the holidays, a cookout, or something smaller, like "happy hour" after work at your house. Whatever you feel most comfortable with; there are a lot of options. That will provide you more opportunity to interact with others from the job, you will get a greater understanding of his day-to-day work, get in on some inside jokes, and be able to relate to him through that aspect too.

It is great that your H gives PDAs and is reinforcing his love by phone calls, etc.!

I know it's hard to accept, but we have to remember that we can't prevent our spouse's affair. If they really want to cheat, they will find a way to. And being friendly with potential OP's does not help. Actually, some people are just sick enough to get pleasure out of hurting others.

I spent an enormous amount of time with my H's OW. We shopped together, ate together, sewed together, walked everyday, went on trips, etc. It didn't stop her from having sex with him and destroying our friendship.

I guess what I learned is I can't control anybody else, and can only work on myself. Unfortunately I also learned that I can't really trust anyone but myself and God.

Good luck!