I hope my question will not offend but I have a serious question that I need an answer to. The short version is my H had an on again off again A that lasted from spring 2001 to just before the holidays of 2001. I found out 12-13-02 and threw him out. Six weeks later we bagan to "talk" and he's been honest and has answered all of my questions. He has taken all the necessary blood test that I required (and thank God all were negative). I have not asked him to come home so we are still living separately. We have our first MC this coming Tuesday and we're both anxious to begin the counseling (even though I'm sure he's as nervous about it as I am). Anyway, we have been spending alot of time together and enjoying each others company but there is NO intimacy. He kisses me goodbye when he's leaving and gives me a hug and he'll sit on the couch and pull me next to him and hold me as we watch a movie or something...but that's it. I've come right out and asked him if he's having difficulty finding me desireable and he says, "absolutely not"...I tell him I need affection and hugging etc. (not necessarily all the way sex ...sorry didn't know how else to say it)and he'll yes me to death...but nadda, zero, ziltch. I don't seem to be able to make him understand how his seeming disinterest in me physically is hurting my self esteem I quess, and making me feel insecure. He is not involved with another woman, that I truly believe, but he acts as if he's scared to death why? I'm sure he wasn't this timid with his mistress so why is he now keeping his distance from me? I don't understand why he's so "dead, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> "
when I read how other posters recovered their intimacy almost immediately. What's wrong with me? What is it that keeps him from wanting me? Have any of you dealt with this issue and if so, how did you resolve it?
Thank you for your help. Tyme

I am a betrayed spouse too, so I can't identify completely with your husband. I am a man, though, and I know that I have trouble sometimes with non-sexual intimacy. I don't think it's uncommon for guys to equate sex with loving feelings. He may not understand what took me a painfully long time to learn, that husbands and wives have very different natural ways of feeling love and showing love. When after D-day my wife was slow to restart our sex life, it was hard for me not to reach the conclusion that she doesn't love me. She needs hugs and cuddle-time like you do. If it has been a while since intercourse, I can be afraid to have a cuddle session, because I know what I'll be thinking about. It isn't so much a problem when we're on track. I've learned that I'm not a neanderthal to feel this way. I've also learned that after an affair, sexual intimacy may be slow in coming back. During that time, as hard as it was as a BS, I had to try to meet that need of hers.

I am NOT suggesting that you renew SF before you're ready. We tried too soon and it set us back. I hope you can help your husband understand that just because you're not ready to again enjoy that particular part of your relationship, it doesn't mean that you don't love him or that you don't want to work on the marriage. Explain to him that for most women, SF cannot be truly enjoyed unless the couple is close emotionally. Together you can rebuild that emotional bond, and the rest will take care of itself in time.

Please don't think there is something wrong with you. Don't withhold SF to punish, but you're not weird if you do not feel ready for that kind of closeness yet.

If he has chosen you and ended the affair, it could very well be plain old guilt and shame.
Talk to the MC privately and they will probably have a good idea.
In my first marriage, I had a PA and while my exhusband was forgiving(he did it first)and very interested in SF, I felt guilt and the act of SF is a bonding mechanism and I was so confused at first-I felt like I was cheating on the OM even though I made the decision to stop the A and did not really love him. It took time. You seem to be taking the rights steps here.