We have been up and down for several weeks!! It seems like he was constantly spending more time with his co-workers and his cousin instead of me. There were a couple times he was out til 3:30 in the morning with his co-workers. What really hurt....was when I recieved the cell phone bill and needless to say it the bill was outrageous...he had been talking to a femail co-worker all hours of the day. He was open to tell how it was but it had been going on for a whole month...never said one word he was talking to her! Instantly kicked him out and we are working on it! He swears that it's nothing sexual....but him having only been out of the house less than 2 weeks...I called Friday night and telling him our toilet broke...he told me that he couldn't fix it til tomorrow (Saturday). Conversation went on that he had to switch his hours at work (Sat-3 to 11). Ended the conversation that I would get a friend to come over and look at the toilet. Around 2:30 a.m.--I instantly woke up like somethign was wrong....I tried his cell phone...no answer...tried his mom's house (where he's staying) and no answer...tried his cell phone and his mom's phone each one more time. Around 4:00 a.m. he calls me back....said he just rolled over and seen that I called. To me he didn't seem tired! I was angry! He told me that he went out with his cousin and was back to his mom's around 12:00. I think he was out with his co-workers and ended up getting in around 4:00. Should I call one of his co-workers and ask if he was out with them or should I just let this one go? Also, went we talk about Friday night...it comes back to me not coming right out and asking him if he would come up but I did make the phone call...crying for his help on the toilet but was shot down when he told me that it would have to wait until Saturday....to me it felt like he already had plans of going out! I was really hurt that he didn't want to spend time with me...am I wrong for thinking this? If we are separated...wouldn't that be the first thing soembody would want to do...spend time with the spouse?

any help would be helpful!
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m-11 years
3-daughters 10, 9, 6

Hi Iowa girl! I'm a neighbor over here in NE.

Well, the first thing I might point out would be that yes...for a NORMAL situation you would think that a spouse would want to spend time with their significant other...but even if he is only involved in an emotional affair (which I would seriously question)he is acting as any WS (wayward spouse) would do. He's on the path of selfishness and addiction. He wants to act like a teenager and run around at all hours of the night (and his friends are enabling that type of behavior). Have you read the info on this website or any of the Harleys books? Plan A would be your first step...but it would help if you were prepared. Understand that getting your marriage back where you want it to be isn't an easy job and it can be a long difficult journey...but the rewards ARE well worth it. For you and your girls. GOOD LUCK!!

Iowa girl - You should probably trust your instincts here. I think you know already what is going on. And like many, you're still thinking this could never happen to you. It's "normal" (whatever the heck normal is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

Go to this link here at Marriage Builders and read everything. Then read it again.

An affair doesn't necessarily mean the end of your marriage. There are THOUSANDS here who can testify to that. But it is also a big deal, and you need to be prepared to deal with it. Read the stuff here.

Last, I just want I know what you're going thru. It is really painful. But you can get thru this. Lots of people here can help you.

Thanks for the input! I did purchase the book...and was reading it til this weekend! Thought we both really wanted to work this out! I'm at a point where I'm not sure that he wants to work it out! He has commented several times that he wouldn't be anything without me! Also, before the cell bill came...he decided to move out but decided that he couldn't financially live without me! How do I know that he is willing to try? I have a attended a counselor to see what need to be done. Couldn't get him to see the counselor but Saturday he decides that he should attend...was this just so that I pass the Friday night thing?...I'm sure! Could you help me out with Plan A???..not sure what it is! By the way...this isn't the first affair he has...before was sexual and about 5 years ago!

OK, you read the book, then you must know that this is a process. He is "in the fog" right now, so don't expect him to make good decisions.

Keeping your M together is not a NOW OR NEVER proposition. It is a process. And in time, should you and he choose to, you can work thru it.

Take your time...it takes time.

Listen, I know right now it seems like the end of your world. Believe me, I know <sigh>. I look back when I first found out and I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and really just wanted everything to be over. But just sit tight. There's no definite outcome, but there is hope...and no matter the outcome, it takes a long time to get there. This won't be over tomorrow... or next week... or next month. OK?

Read the stuff (see my previous post) on this web site to learn about Plan A (I'm not the expert). Plan A is about negotiating an end to the affair. It is about you taking care of yourself. And giving him an idea about what he's about to lose. Really, it's about you taking back control of your own life.

Just know that you are not the first one in the world to go thru this. Take care & keep writing back,

Very anxious to pick up the book again!

How do I know for sure that he wants to be with me after he pulls a stunt like this one?..(Friday night) I thought we were doing pretty good until Friday night. I'm not sure that I can even begin to believe what he is saying! He wanted me to call the counselor after what happened Friday night....to me it was like he was sucking up. Would it be good for me to set some rules as far as NO going out with co-workers..no extra activiteis with co-workers, etc!

Very frustrating!!!

I know you're frustrated. His behavior is inconsistent. And the things he says don't add up. Around here they call it "the fog."

You've kicked him out of the house, right? So, did you think about under what conditions he would be coming home? Don't call him up and say "unless you x, y and z, you're not coming back," but you at least should have an idea about what you will expect. In other words, have a plan, but don't make an ultimatum.

You said you thought things were going alright until Friday night. Listen, until he breaks it off with the OW, comes to his senses and asks you to take him back, things are not going alright.

Counseling is a good thing. It can help. I'm sure others will write here with more help and advice...

Okay...I'll do some reading and chill out for a while! Then I'll go from there!!! yep...kick him out but he continues to call all the time like he wants things to get back to normal but his actions...well speak louder than his words! Counseling is in the picture!...he's going next week..earliest he could get in. I went last week!