I am so down today, my WH is still causing me grief..I don't understand, he is always so ean and hateful to me..it's like he blames me for the separation, when it was him who tore the marriage apart..I try so hard not to take his actions toward me seriously, but some days it just really gets to me...He acts like he hate me...acually I really think he does...he comes by and pick up the children and does not speak to me or anything..he calls for my little girl and does the same thing...also if he is asking me something concerning the kids..he has a very hateful tone and then just hangs up the phone without even saying goodbye...I am so tried of this and does not know what to do..I don't want to pay for a divorce..I feel since he is the one who wants to end the marriage..he should do this...the problem is, He has never mentioned a divorce...do you think that maybe I should tell him to file for it? I am tried and lonely and just plain frustated...Does anyone have any insight or advice on my situation?

PLs Help!!

Bump!!

Tatchina,
I have a few minutes between tasks and thought I'd let you know that I've read your post. I have searched through your archives and didn't really see your story quickly, so to speak. So without knowing that, it's hard to give any input to your situation. Your signature line implies you are in recovery? Yet most of your posts seem as if you're separated and unsure what's ahead...

Have you seen a counselor? If your husband has insurance, this should be covered under that at no cost to you. This could be for you individually or you and your husband. I wonder if your husband feels he has done everything he could to work on your marriage, or does he just not care at all? With two young children, he has their future at stake too. A counselor may help him see that. But of course, there is nothing to make him talk to one!

You've mentioned being in Plan A and B...but I am not sure from your posts how long you were in each one. You know that these may take months. Different people here at MB have gone through these for varying lengths of time. In fact, some (like me) have gone from Plan A to Plan B and back to Plan A again. It depends on what your given situation is, and what you have the strength to do.

Also, many towns have some sort of Women's Resource Center which would help with basic legal questions, housing and job issues, etc... Do you have any family nearby? You sound so weary, I feel for you! How about any other support system - friends, etc.? This site is great but you need some real, live people to talk to and interact with.

I wish I had something more constructive to say, just wanted you to know you were in my thoughts.

Bump, I am really in need of advice tonight..

Tatchina,

I've tried to read back through your posts and can't quite figure out what has happened - it looks like your H had an affair and then moved out after you found out. Did you ask him to leave or did he move out on his own? You also say that you had a former separation several years ago, but that he came back after that "for his own selfish reasons".

While my H and I are still living together, for us things are very rocky right now, and my H has also reacted with a lot of anger towards me.

I would recommend that you find yourself some personal counselling. You need this not to get the relationship back, but just for you. You need help, not only to cope with the breakdown of your marriage, but to help you get back on your own feet and find yourself again. I know that what your H is doing, and the way that he is with you, is very painful, and very hurtful to you. But you can't control him. There is nothing you can do to make him change. You have to go on and live for yourself. If he is going to self-destruct, and can't behave towards you with respect, that says more about him than you. You can't make him stop being this way - all you can do is treat him with respect, even if he is not treating you with respect.

When you said he came back "for his own selfish reasons" - it doesn't sound like you actually have a lot of respect for him. Love him, yes, but respect for him, no. Have you thought about all the good things about your H that you love, that would make you want him to come back, that would make you feel you would want to live with him again? I'm not sure what you see as positive in the marriage right now.

I would say, try to stay cool. It hurts, his behaviour, but he is trying to hurt and punish you with this - its punishing, abusive, and rude. If he is getting to you, try to just leave it - by doing this, he is trying to stay in control of something that he is not in control of - he is doing it, because its the only thing he can do that makes him feel in control.

You are in control of your life - not him. And since you are separated, at least you don't have to live with him being in the house and being rude and punishing - so you have breathing space to develop yourself in a positive way - be a good mother and an example to your children. Try to just shift your focus away from what he is doing and how mean he is being, and put your mind on your own activities and get on with what you want to do with your life in a positive way.

If you still think you might have a future together, I would not file for D - just let it go for awhile, and let him file if that's what he wants.

Hope this helps.
LIR

Thanks, Lady_in_Red....I really had a rough night last night...I am really trying to get myself together and not let him pull me down so much...Today has to be a better day!!

Sounds fermilar!

My h when we were seperated had so much anger toward me. I couldn't understand why. Then I read , and read. And came to relize that he was looking for a reason to be mad because then he didn't feel so bad about the A and leaving. He got annoyed with everything I did. But still needed me. This made me feel very alone, and sad.

I needed to focus on myself , change the behaviors that I thought were harmful in our relationship and gave him space.

I suggest you do not file, give him room, do not argue or have confrontational conversations. Let him know you love him.