How have you dealt with groupies and do you have any advice? I feel like we are in recovery right now, but in the area he works, it's tough! Especially out of town gigs - I can go to all the local ones, but, looking for advice/support.

bump^

Did your H have an A with a groupie?

I can only commiserate with you. Sorry, I don't have any advice. You don't have to be a rock star for "music" to be an excuse. My WH had an A with the cellist in his string quartet. She seems to have a problem keeping her legs together (except when she's with her H, that is.) WH explained the A happened because she was beautiful and it all just sort of "sparked" off the music. She thought he was a great violinist and she was full about sob stories regarding her unhappy marriage and mean husband - blah blah blah. So he started an affair with her, married me two months after he started it with her, told me 11 weeks after our wedding that he was in love with someone else and going to be with her. After 13 years as a single man, he proposes to two women in the space of three months.

And this is a true (albeit sick) story, believe it or not.
Good luck.

Well, sorta, but not really.

Mr. Pep (WS) works in TV / film industry, former actor. Out of town shoots do make me nervous .... but, not as much as they used to. After his A ... he did in town shoots only ... cuz I was a basket case whenever he left. It just takes time. I'm still not perfectly at ease when he leaves .... but I no longer allow it to affect me in a significant way.

He has no groupies to my knowledge <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> LOL .... I'll ask him if he has groupies. He's a balding middle aged man ... but, anything's possible! I suppose some women would think his life is glamorous ... but, it's not at all. He works really, really long hours.

His sobriety ... and the growing spirituality between us has allowed me to become comfortable nearly 99% of the time he's away.

Good luck

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi Ks,
My H is working on his PhD in music. As a musician, he also gigs a lot (jazz, classical, R&R, and GB), both in and out of town. When we were still together, but after I found out about OW (whom he met in the same doctoral studies program out of state), I knew the emotional affair was still going on. He'd call her at the breaks, on the way home, etc... In fact, I heard through others that his drinking on the job (heretofore never happened, he was a "Christian") had been excessive on a few jobs.

He gave me three reasons for the A (which is still going on, since we're separated) which are 1) my appearance (so I lost 40 lbs), 2) he no longer shares the same spiritual beliefs we embraced for the last 25 years (wants a more liberal interpretation of Bible, to condone adultry), and 3) he shares a "soul connection" through music with her that I can never understand. And now the A is physical.

Well, I changed for reason #1, will NOT change reason #2, and as for #3, there is no way I can learn to play violin well enough to compete with her! So they continue to play with each other <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . I refuse to let my emotions get played, and I feel great about where I am now.

If we were to get back together, I would almost certainly want a POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement). This is found on this site. Is your H doing music full-time? Would it be possible to turn down some gigs for the sake of your marriage? I'd explore that option with him. It doesn't matter if your H's affair was with a one-night stand with a groupie or not, there will always be the possibility of SOMEONE being where he is providing a temptation. Depending on how you and he have worked through this (sorry, I didn't do any background searches on your situation) will determine how secure things can be for you.

Good luck!

She was a groupie wanna-be-went-to-school-for-opera-singing-trying-to-be-jazz-singer kind of person. She was beautiful as well, but psycho. Came up one night after a set, "oh, you played so beautifully, hey I sing, blah blah blah..." in late October, 10 months later they are having a weekend getaway on an out of town gig. Here's the valuable lesson I learned out of all this. Bandwives CANNOT get complacent about musician husbands. They are in this for the music and the audience I think. It is a rare musician who is in it for the music alone, I think, at least in the jazz scene. They thrive on adulation. Anyway, a big LB for him was me not going to his shows and showing admiration and appreciation for his playing. I didn't go for about a year, then this is when the As started, THEN I didn't go for another year! I was talking to another bandwife last night at a performance and she said, K, you need to show up if ONLY to make sure that all his bandmates know he's married, get to know the bandwives/gfs so they know who you are, and that way, when groupies or hangers on show up, then they can call you or at the very least, show disapproval towards his behavior. I mean, honestly I could kick myself, because this chick showed up at EVERY single one of his gigs for about 9 months. And where was I? Washing his socks or cleaning the house, (I do not have small children...) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> there was no reason I should not have gone to at least some of his shows. Well, I didn't marry him for his music, I married him for him. But I have really learned that in order to make him happy - I need to show appreciation for his job and talent. Yes, he is a full time musician.