I apologize if this question has been posted before and I just missed the answers.

Have any of you BS confronted the OP with the intention of bringing the A into the light of day and / or ending it? If so, how confrontational did you become? Threatening letting OP's spouse know, etc. What kind of results have you had?

Anyone confronted the OP's spouse with the same intentions?

I am concerned that if I confronted OP, my WW would take a position of protecting him over our M. She told me shortly after D-day that she would not lose him as a friend because of our M. I have attributed this statement to fog talk.

Thanks and God Bless

<small>[ October 15, 2002, 08:04 AM: Message edited by: Biscayne ]</small>

When my H was first involved with my former best friend, they both stayed out one night until 1 in the morning. He was staying at our friend's house at the time and her H didn't have a car as she had theirs. Her H came to my house at midnight asking to use the car to go look for them. They both conveniently got home within 5 minutes of each other but claimed that they weren't together. They said they had been at work together and had gone to a meeting until 9, but then went their separate ways.

I was so furious with her since she had claimed to be not at all interested in him and said she'd 'stay away.' I had told her she was leading him on.

So in my fury I called her and told her off. I told her I loved her like a sister and she had broken my heart, etc. She got very self righteous and said "I'm tired, I don't feel like talking right now." Well, if she hadn't been in her car having sex with MY husband, maybe she wouldn't have been so blooming tired. I didn't find out the truth until 6 years later. They played us for fools and I was stupid enough to believe them.

Biscayne,

I don't think its a good idea ever to confront the OP because no good can come from it. An OP in an affair with a married person doesn't give a hoot about your feelings. It would only push the WS and OP closer in defense of you.

I do think its real important that the spouse of the OP is notified. This puts additional pressure on the affair from the other end by bringing it out into the light of day. I also think its just the right thing to do from a moral standpoint. They need to be warned that they are being destroyed behind their back so they can take steps to protect themselves.

Well, I take back what I said about never confronting the OP.I just finished reading a thread where others have done this with good results. I stand corrected!

I DID confront the OW in my situation and had a very rare good response. [I have heard horror stories about other confrontations] She was not AWARE that my DH was still married and was morally indignant <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> that he had lied to her. [she is married] Contact ended immediately between them and she gave me each and every little detail. While she showed remorse and was genuinely sorry, most OPs do not react that way. They do not care or see their actions as wrong.

The purpose of confronting the OP is to them that you love your WS and that you want your marriage to survive. Tell OP that he/she is contributing to the destruction of your home and your family. Beyond this do not contact the OP. Do not set up a relationship with them. They are incidental to the problems in your marriage. Given time the affair will almost always end whether or not you and you WS remain together. Affairs are based on fantasy. Tell the OP’s spouse too.

Be very careful about not being vindictive, not telling them anything personal about your life/marriage/family. Very often a written confrontation works well because you will be able to control your emotions and words much better.

If they are married telling their spouse could help too. If I did the confrontation in a letter, I’d probably mail a copy to their spouse.

This might push your WS toward the OP for a while. But the more the affair is out in the open, the more they have to face real life, the more embarrassed and humiliated they have made themselves, the quicker the affair will end. WS’s must face the real consequences of their own decisions to have an affair. This is not the BS punishing the WS but the WS taking the natural consequences of their actions.

I am a tough love advocate... it's always worked better for me the [censored]-footing around.

By the way, Harley also advocates confronting the OP.

In my previous marriage:

I confronted one of his OW’s. Called her, asked her what her relationship was with my husband. She said that she had coffee with him once in a while. I told her that the letters I found said something totally different. Then told her that we are married, have a child and her relationship with him was hurting your family. I asked her to stop seeing him. Their relationship died quickly after that. I wish I had done that with his other OW’en too.

In my current marriage:

On d-day I found that he was having internet/cyber-sex/phone-sex/and one in-person affairs with women he met on the internet. The relationships had varied in length from 2.5 years to 3 months. All going on at the same time. I contacted every one of the OW’en and told her that he was married, we have children and asked them to have no further contact with him. I also told all of them about the others. I did share other IM/email address with some of them so that they could duke it out and realize that none of them were the love of his life as they thought they were. Every one of them tried contacting him again after they promised me that they would not. I was with him when this happened and he responded with ‘I love my wife.” And sent them all no-contact letters. On a few occasions I was signed on and they must have thought I was him. Over time all of them tried to IM him or email him. Since it was me and not them just told that I (meaning him) was lucky that my wife gave me another chance and any contact with them would hurt my marriage. Other times I told them that it was me … that really got them angry because they were looking for him and got caught.

I also contacted, via email, the husband of the only one who was married. I have no idea of the out come as he never got back with me.

The affect of this contact was to put an immediate end to all of the relationships. My H learned very quickly that I would not put up with his infidelity and that I’d do anything legal to put a stop to it.

<small>[ October 15, 2002, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

Melodylane,

Thanks for the input and continued support. You've responded to quite a few of my posts and I appreciate your level headedness. I guess that is a little easier to come by when you are into recovery rather than in this place in your life where it seems like everything that you have ever believed in is falling apart.

Where did you find that post where BS's had confronted OP?

I think that if I did confront OP, it would be in an angry manner. Letting him know that if he continued to see my W that I would let his wife know how serious things were between him and my W and that they are still involved and just how long that they have been.

I still think that my W would hold this against me. She believes me to be the type of person that holds such a grudge that this would be more justification in her mind that I haven't changed a bit.

I guess I'm grasping at straws here. I feel like I need to do something to control the situation, and I know that is not the right avenue.

Thanks and God Bless

Yes, I confronted OW about a month after A ended. I had to see her face to face. I was tortured by the fact that she knew my H was newlywed, had continued and encouraged the A, had come into my new home, had sex in the bride's bed, the bride's house and just didn't give a damn what she was doing. She just wanted my H, and planned to marry him in spite of the fact that he'd JUST married me!!! And she called my house while I was home to tell my H she'd just told her H about the affair, and I could tell from his side of the phone conversation that something very bad was about to happen. She forced d-day by calling him WHILE I WAS AT HOME!

Well, I had no idea what I was going to say until after I had said it. I simply knocked on her door one night. I had prepared myself in case she was really pretty and really young, and she was both. I just wanted her to see my face and the hell that was etched there. I saw her face, the fact that should have been pretty, the sunken hollow eyes, and for one split second (it disappeared really fast) I felt sorry for her. But it didn't stop my mouth. She didn't know who I was when she first saw me. I said: I just wanted to thank you for ruining my life. About that time she slammed the door shut in my face so I pounded on it as hard as I could and started screaming (I do so hope all the neighbors heard) - YOU WHORE! YOU RUINED MY LIFE BY F*g my Husband, you f*g whore. I screamed at the closed door for about 5 minutes. Her H would open it a bit now and then and encourage me to calm down and go home.
I never did calm down. I got in my car that night and drove straight for 700 miles before calling anyone to tell them where I was. WH was at home that night, having drunk himself into a stupor and passed out. He started looked for me after he woke up about 2 am, but I was halfway across Oklahoma by then.
This all happened the same day I realized he'd lied about bringing her into our home after we'd been married, lied about having sex with her in my house. And it was the day I found all the empty bottles of Viagra that he'd used all summer to make her think the old man was a young stud. He certainly hadn't been using them with me...

I most certainly confronted every OW that I knew of. And I have had both good and bad results.

During our 4 month separation, my H was involved with MANY different women. He was using the internet as his medium to meet them. And being on various "singles" sites, only meant there were more and more women corresponding with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

OW#1 was the married (FORMER) friend of mine. When I confronted her, all she did was deny, deny, and deny. I also talked to her H, who believed his W, and told me that "I" was crazy to think such a thing was happening. (OW#1 had actually shown her H the emails that proved their A was occurring... only she convinced him that they were all in order to "teach Karen a lesson" so that I would learn not to snoop in H's email!!!). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> After OWH was being so naive to that, I gave up on both of them. It took a while, but at least I know that I TRIED to get it out in the open.

Dealing with the other women was just as difficult at the time, but didn't take as long to get over. I basically just informed them of the TRUTH, in that H was still a married man, and was talking to me about reconciliation, and that they should not get involved in the whole big mess. Oh! And I actually talked on the phone to OW#2 and OW#3 and explained to them that they had better get themselves checked out, b/c I had just had a very disturbing pap result. (it was true... but all was fine - although I didn't know it at the time).

It was a huge mess, let me tell you. But in my case, my H was involved in multiple EA's and PA's (only with the 3 OW - at least that's all I know about). It seemed like there was a new woman I felt the need to deal with every week! It was terrible!!!

That was my roller coaster ride. I finally made the decision to get off of it when I moved into plan B.

In hindsight, I am very glad that I confronted the other women. I felt that I was protecting them too - by letting the truth be known, so that they didn't get lured in by anymore of H's lies.

Oh man... I'm triggering again b/c I'm thinking of it all over again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Gotta go for now.

Karen

The first OW, wasn't really an other woman, she was his ex-girlfriend/neighbor from across the way. Apparently he came over to wish her Merry Christmas and to thank her for some cookies she had baked for Christmas and had left on his doorstep. They had a couple of glasses of wine and then he made a pass at her and tried to kiss her. She knew he was dating me at the time and refused him and kicked him out. He wrote her this really hearfelt letter the next day, "I am so sorry, you must think I'm a dog..." I found it four months later and called and asked her about it - she told me everything, but said that she felt he really loved me and it was a moment of male inebriation, so I didn't break off our engagement, but watched him for a long time. After we married - he had another affair a year and a half into our marriage with a 40 year old, then she left him for a boyfriend, and he went directly into another affair with a 26 year old. I found out about both of these just a month ago - I called her immediately, and I actually liked her, she was funny and really nice, and said, hey better me than some skank in a bar with STDs - told me that he loved me and they talked about me a lot - positively - which was weird. She also said that he had a lot of growing up to do, and to really think about whether or not I want to have to babysit him for the next couple of years until he grew up. She now has a boyfriend. The newest one is a total psycho and is stalking him, and yes, I have talked to her a couple of times since she has the audacity to call my house at 7:00 and 2:00 a.m.

She is wacked out.

The next time she calls, I plan on talking to her and telling her that she could have been anybody, and to please go away. I don't what else to do at this point.

In hindsight, I am very glad that I confronted the other women. I felt that I was protecting them too - by letting the truth be known, so that they didn't get lured in by anymore of H's lies.

There was a strong element of this in my confronting the OW too as my H had told them that he was divorced. For the most part I feel every one of them should have realized that something was wrong because for 2.5 years he would not give them his home phone number, his home address or allow them to visit him in his home city. He gave them his work address and hotel phone numbers. Now what kind of a woman believes for 2.5 years that they are a person’s soul mate but knows nothing of that person’s real life? Geez. Of course they knew, deep down, that he was married or in a committed relationship. They just did not give a dam. This was proven when after they recovered from the ‘shock’ of his deceit all but one of them tried very hard to get in touch with him again and start the relationship back up. This despite now knowing that he was married and that there were 9 other women being played just as they were.

Through my experience and the ones I read here I am amazed at how easily people pick up people on the Internet. What is wrong with people? It seems that so many people let all caution go by the wayside when they meet someone on the internet.

Yes, I met my H on the Internet. We’d known each other briefly 20 years prior and then ran into each other again. But we immediately took it off the Internet and had a ‘real’ relationship. Dating almost weekly and talking on the phone daily. You know where you meet each other’s immediate and extended family, friends, and coworkers. Go to church together. Get to know each other in each other’s home environment. And yes he did deceive me with his philandering but he could have done that living in the same house with me, wait a minute he did do it in the same house… for 9 months before d-day.

Biscayne:

"Have any of you BS confronted the OP with the intention of bringing the A into the light of day and / or ending it?"

I wanted 2 many times, but never did.

"If so, how confrontational did you become?"

I'm afraid that if I'd confronted Rat Meat in person, I'd have punched his lights out.

"Threatening letting OP's spouse know, etc. What kind of results have you had?"

I wanted 2 let Mrs Meat know about the A, and probably would have by now if she hadn't found out on her own. But then, I learned that she'd found out about the first A between them 11 years ago, and didn't tell ME about it then. Now I don't worry about it much.

"I am concerned that if I confronted OP, my WW would take a position of protecting him over our M."

The risk of this is the primary reason given for NOT confronting OP.

"She told me shortly after D-day that she would not lose him as a friend because of our M."

I've heard that, 2.

"I have attributed this statement to fog talk."

The truth, 2. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />