Here is an interesting little piece from MSN today. The link is at the bottom of the article.

Men, Women Get Equally Jealous

But Given a Choice, Infidelity Is Worse for Men

By Fern Garber
Reviewed By Brunilda Nazario, MD
WebMD Medical News



October 11, 2002 -- Sexual infidelity brings out the same jealous reaction in men and women according to a Northeastern University study. These new findings debunk the myth that jealousy over sexual or emotional infidelities is gender-related.

In a relationship, jealousy functions to alert individuals of their status, says assistant psychology professor David DeSteno, PhD, study leader. It is a means by which the couple seeks to maintain not only the relationship, but the benefits of the relationship as well.

The study challenges the notion that jealous reactions -- thought to be determined by evolutionary instincts -- are gender-specific. Men presumably react more to infidelity and women more to a partner who strays emotionally. Apparently in women this represents a threat to resources for themselves and their children.

In the study, 121 people were asked to rate how they'd feel if they found out their partner was emotionally or sexually bonding outside the relationship. Gender differences did become apparent in the results. Men became more distressed over infidelity whereas women rated emotional bonding outside of the relationship more threatening.

But when they didn't have to compare sexual infidelity with emotional infidelity and rated their feelings on sexual infidelity alone, men and women were equally distressed by it.

"Our findings challenge the empirical basis for the evolutionary theory of jealousy by demonstrating that evidence of a sexual difference in distress to sexual and emotional infidelity represents, in all likelihood a methodological artifact," DeSteno says in a news release. "It's not simply a matter of the brain being shaped by evolution."

The study will be published in the November issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

© 2002 WebMD Inc. All rights reserved.

http://content.health.msn.com/content/article/1689.54398

The problem I found with that report is that it makes no mention whether the 121 participants had first hand experience with infidelity or not.
There is a big difference in what people say and what people actually do.

Many women would say that they would be much more hurt by an EA than by a PA, but reality has shown that is not the case with ALL women. Women can be just as equally devastated by their H's sexually infidelity as men by their W's PA's. And the reverse is true with regards to an EA, many men would be just as devastated if their W's were having an EA, as women who's H's were EA's.

This report IMNSHO is inconclusive at best.

BTW B_S, how are things going with you in loony toon world?

I was totally thinking exactly what TMCM was thinking. I used to say that if my spouse ever cheated I would kill him first and them leave him. Neither is the case now that it has happened to me. I tell my friends that all the time. They are all so quick to say, "You need to leave that cheat and take him for all he's worth!! I can't believe you are trying to make this work!" And I just think, wait until you experience and then come talk to me!

TMCM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTW B_S, how are things going with you in loony toon world?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, funny you asked! Last night my exhausted W asked me to pick-up my step-daughter from the D's friend's house (they are best friends, of course), and of course, you guessed it, the OM is her father (divorced, part-time single dad). I have not seen the OM for almost year so here I go to pick-up the daughter who is supposed to be ready at 7:30pm. I arrive at 7:25pm. Not done with dessert quite yet, so I actually step inside the house to wait for a couple fo minutes. An obviously awkward moment or two passes by after Om sees it's me picking her up. No handshakes, naturally. He stays out of sight mostly, but we finally had to be face-to-face when the girls were saying good-bye in the foyer. OM then looks at me and says, "Wow, you lost a lot of weight!" and I replied, "Yep, over 40 pounds." and he said, "Why?" Oooooooooo, I could not say what I wanted to say in front of the kids, so I just said, "I decided I was too heavy for my health." Then, good-bye, good-bye, out the door.

Now I ask you (as if I don't know the answer already) do you honestly think in one million years that if the situation was exactly reversed that I would dare ask my W to go pick-up someone at the OW's house? H3ll No! And knowing my wife, it would disturb her so much that her kids were still around someone I messed around with, she probably would go out of her way to make sure that they spent as little time as possible together around that house!

I don't know for the life of me why she thinks her situation is so different (less evil) than my EA where she actually believes I should go on with life as if all is normal. No big deal. So I had to see him to pick-up my step-daughter. So she sees him almost everyday when he has his D at home and they take turns with school drop-offs and pick-ups. No problem. Can you imagine of this was reversed? My life would be an unbearable h3ll!! So, ahbadeeyah, ahbadeeyah, ahbadeeyah, that's all folks!! Thanks for asking.

B_S I beleive that if your WW ever woke up to the reality of what she's done to you, she might decide to committ suicide. Remember that line that Jack Nicholson fired back at Tom Cruise in that movie, (dang I forgot the title}? "You want the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" probably fits well in your WW's case.

B_S I hope that you're taking good care of yourself. Have you started any of your old pre M hobbies?

TMCM:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN...

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
All your kids are named "Joe."
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in coffee can.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This gave me a good chuckle or two to start my day. Is this your creation? Pre-M hobbies? Yes. I play my guitar a lot more than I used to. I exercise more now and I am eating healthier (I used to be a vegetarian years ago). I practice my martial arts when I can. Prose, poetry, essays? I really haven't written much at all, but I used to all the time. I am slowly reclaiming who I was before this M, the parts of me that I miss the most. I still need to see a DV Atty. I think a lot of my hestitency in acting in this situation has just been due to my fears about the unknown consequences of going forward with a DV. I believe that once I know what will and possibly could happen, I will feel better just being more informed. I'll keep everyone posted.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This gave me a good chuckle or two to start my day. Is this your creation? Pre-M hobbies? Yes. I play my guitar a lot more than I used to. I exercise more now and I am eating healthier (I used to be a vegetarian years ago). I practice my martial arts when I can. Prose, poetry, essays? I really haven't written much at all, but I used to all the time. I am slowly reclaiming who I was before this M, the parts of me that I miss the most. I still need to see a DV Atty. I think a lot of my hestitency in acting in this situation has just been due to my fears about the unknown consequences of going forward with a DV. I believe that once I know what will and possibly could happen, I will feel better just being more informed. I'll keep everyone posted.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No B_S I can not take credit for those little caffeinated zingers. I found them on the net.

I'm glad that you are once again doing those things that brought you great pleasure and joy before your M, and that you are eating healthier and exercising more.

Your WW's steadfast denial of her A not causing any harm to the M, her anger towards you, and refusal to counsel with the Harleys or other MB oriented professionals, tells me that she is not very interested in moving forward and quite possibly wants to continue to exploit her resentment of you, so that she can indulge in future A's with the purpose of finding another man she deems as marriage material and then dump you by the side of the road.

I hope I'm dead wrong about this but it's better to be in a position of preparedness than in one of total surprise and disbeleif. So do contact an attorney and find out what you can start doing right now to minimize the fallout in a divorce.

Keep up the good job and remember that you are not alone and that what you are going thru we all, in our own ways, have gone thru it and not only survived but thrived afterwards.

I changed my sig and included My Story in case anybody is interested in reading it.

<small>[ October 16, 2002, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

TMCM

Thank you for that link to your story. Man, I can't believe the similarities in stories. I too fell so hard for this woman (I literally cried for hours on end when we she went back home to California after visiting me in my home city for New Years) that I, too, obliviously ignored all kinds of warning signs (not just on sexual fidelity) that would shoot off all kinds of red alarms in my head today. It's a wonder that my W just doesn't understand why her 2 oldest D's were sexually active that year and experimented with drugs, she was busy doing the same thing, and leaving them home alone a lot to fend for themselves while she "partied". I think it is also ironic justice that her middle D has declared herself an atheist (which she can't stand) and her long-term PA was with an avowed atheist! Instant Karma if I ever saw it! If I wasn't so damn philosophical and theological about life in general, where I detach myself and observe from the outside while I am on the inside, I think I would go loony tunes. But, instead, I do see the comedy in the tragedy as it plays itself out.

Thanks for sharing your story. It definitely shows me that I am not alone, nor am I unique, in my experience in this M. I'll keep in touch. This forum has been so extremely helpful for me for venting and gaining perspective and support from other caring individuals in similar (and many times much worse) situations.