Okay, so I was not going to be PQ anymore. I tried to change my user name and lost the privillege of having PQ. Then I got a whole new account, and no one would talk to me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> So I have decided to post under PQSTILL! So those of the wise MBers please listen and advise!

I am so sad today, I thought someone might have some advice for me.

Well on 10/1 my WH and I had d-day #2, I think most know that. Well I moved up to my parents house until 10/11. The purpose of this was to give my WH time to find a place of his own. While I was at my parents home, I had a counseling session with Steve H. He told me I was my own worst enemy. My anger HAD to be controlled. And I have done very well since leaving. But when I got to my house on Friday, my WH had barely even looked for an apartment. He even wanted my help. I was so upset to feel the reality of him leaving that it was very difficult for me to keep it together, but I did and yes, I helped him find a bunch to look at.

He left for the weekend to go to his families ranch to play (hunt, fish, ride horses...). He had been calling atleast three times a day before he left, but while he was gone this weekend, NOTHING. Only a call to tell me that he and his friend would not be back to the house until VERY late. Did I mention that he is still in the house until he finds his own place? He is sleeping on the couch.

Now, I am in Plan A. I feel like I am doing so much better at it, no LBs YET!!! But I also feel he is completely pulling away. He has no need for me at all. I miss talking to him, and I am trying to stay aloof and pleasant, but I get so sad sometimes. Like last night, I was having a hard time. So I went in my bedroom and was going to call a friend. When I picked up the phone, it was all crackily (this means my WH had to be on the DSL link to his computer for the internet. I had put all this away to be sent back, I hate what it does to my phone.) So I go into the office and ask if he is on the internet, he IMMEDIATELY and as quick as he can, closes all windows on his computer. So what am I to believe???? That he is staying in MY house, talking to OW, while I am in the other room! I was so hurt, but I just said, "Can you let me know when your finished?" Then went in my bedroom and cried as soft as I could.

I am just wondering if this M is over. He doesn't seem to care about me AT ALL. He is not missing me, in fact, I think he is having a great time! His best friend from Houston arrived last Tuesday. They are having an AWESOME time together. His friends family (wife and 5 kids) are not here yet, they are having trouble selling their house. I just wonder if it is time for me to let go all together. I am loosing love for WH each day.

And to top it off, my WH grandmother died yesterday. She was a wonderful woman, eventhough we were not very close to her. When my WH told me about this, I tried to give him a hug and tell him I was sorry for his loss. He casually dismissed me. I don't know if I should go to the funeral. I don't know if it would be too uncomfortable for my WH and his family. I don't know how to act around my WH. I guess I just feel shut out of his emotions. I am almost positive that would be what he was discussing with OW on line last night and that hurts deeply. She did even know her! She didn't visit her less than a month ago and tell my H that he needed to make a special effort to visit her as well because she looked sick. She didn't lie to an old woman and tell her everything was great in my M to set her mind at ease! I did, and I feel like crap. A useless, old bag of bird dropping that can't get her life back together. What is wrong with me???? Please help!

There's nothing 'wrong' with you. Everything you are experiencing is normal. Totally, 100% normal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You are talking to a MC/IC, you are in plan A. All great things! This is going to be a bumpy ride and you will have more days like today. Remember this, you can't control or change other people, they must be motivated to do this for themselves. The fact you are still confused and upset tells me you still care and aren't ready to give up.

Now is not the time to make any hasty decisions. You aren't in the right frame of mind. Something else you may want to consider...IMHO, when you walk away from a M you should be able to say to yourself(honestly) that you did everything you could to save the M. Can you honestly say that, at this point? Start looking after yourself, it's so important. You must be able to maintain your health and well-being or the stress and anxiety of this situation will 'drag' you down.

Your WH has lots of issues he's avoiding because the fantasy he's in doesn't force him to face these issues. At some point in his life he will have to stop running away and face his 'demons'. You can always run but, running doesn't change anything...only makes it worse. I really hope your H can get some help before it's too late and he's lost everything.

<small>[ October 15, 2002, 12:19 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

Thanks MGM for your fast response!! I guess I need to get used to feeling the ups and downs of this thing again. For about two months I actually thought we might be heading for recovery. But I guess he just learned how to disguise his actions and feeling better. Anyway, thanks for listening, I know it was a very long post!

Shaunda

Hello!! I would love some feedback, PLEASE!!

I agree with SH that you are your own worst enemy. I look at the calm, controlled serene Plan A's implemented by going_crazy and aanst. I find you up and down and all over the place with what you do and say to him. For heaven's sake he left her, the job and your house to try and make this work, and you tell him to move out!?!?

Calm down and concentrate on the plan A. Tell him you are sorry that you were mistaken in asking him to move out. Get a diary and score yourself with respect to your love busters every day; you need to get a handle on these severe LB's. I feel this needs to happen first and foremost.

Relate,

Thank-you for your input, but I have read your posts all over these board and I think your opinion is about as good as typing on a computer without turning it on. So if you don't mind I would rather that you DO NOT post on my thread. Go attack someone else who, I know you will!

Besides, it was Steve H. that told me to NOT allow him to stay living in my house. But I'm sure that I am wasting my breath telling you this, because you know EVERYTHING! Or at least you think you do.

BYE-BYE!
PQ

I know everything? On the contrary, I am very much in the process of learning. I'd like to understand the reason SH advised to ask him to leave?

Hey everyone!

I am heading to a very important interview. Please keep your fingers crossed for me! Talk to ya'll soon!

PQ

Hi PQ...I know what you mean about the computer chatting. When i walk in on my WH he does the same thing, closes all windows as quick as he can. It makes me sick, i am in the same house with him and he is chatting and gods knows what with the OW right under my nose. I did find the courage the other day when i caught him (and he had the nerve to say sarcastically to me "yes, can i help you".) urrrgggg. I said it really hurts me when you are chatting with her, its very painful. He just scrugged his shoulders at me. The whole thing about this, is that he seems to be really trying to make things work between us, he even kissed me the other day. We have been talking about our probleems in the marriage. But he just cant let go of the OW it seems. I just dont know what i should do next, i guess just sit back and keep plan aing. anyway good luck to you and god bless...A/C0810

Hello pq -- I was glad to see you posting again, although not glad about your current situation. I think it's good you talked to SH.

I hope you can take his advice and try to feel and be calmer about your situation. It's so hard, don't I know it. It's so important though. Even though my situation has taken a turn for the worse, I can honestly say that things were better/I was better when I was able to be calm, which was mostly since April (I was up and down during February and March -- the first few months post d-day).

This time, I am very calm -- it's a little scary to tell you the truth. But, I have realized that you cannot change somebody else. That desire to change has to come from them and I did the best possible plan A before this. I think you need to really find a way to to do that because no matter what the outcome (reconcilation, plan B, etc) you will know you did your best/showed your best. I think that's what's given me some strength. I cannot think of anything I would have done differently. Sure, there were a few conversations I'd like to do over, but I sincerely feel I showed nothing but love and friendship to him for many months. You need to be able to say you did the same.

Even when it feels unfair, it will be a comfort to you now and in the future.

I'm pulling for you pq.

Well all, I am leaving to go to the viewing and funeral in just a few. Wanted to see if I was getting flamed from speaking my mind about Relate. Thanks for the support A/C and USH. It's nice to know that ya'll are out there.

A quick update of today!(It's been a really good one for WH and I!) WH has been asking and asking and ASKING for SF since I left. Well... I gave in today. You can read the whole story at "Is this bad???" in GQII. But anyway, I also had a wonderful interview and my WH called me after to see how it went! Then, I ironed ALL of his clothes for the funeral. He had forgotten that all of his suits had been packed. He knows that I HATE ironing, but I wanted to help him. It actually felt nice to do it, he was running late and he was greatly appreciative.

It has taken me a long time, five months in fact, to figure out how to put my anger aside and focus on the wonderful man that I married, but I think I have mastered it. Since I moved out, I have not LB once, I have still cooked him dinner and done his laundry, and we have even talked about us and his situation with OW. And it was all calm and serene, that was for you Relate incase your lurking! I am just now getting confidence that I can do it, with or without him. It feels nice!!! I guess today is just a good day! I'll try not to think too much about tomorrow, it always seems to get worse before it gets better.

Anyway, I won't be able to check this very often in the next couple of days, but if I can, I will update! Thanks again!

HUGS!
PQ

PQ, I am happy that you are pulling things together. I am convinced he knows what you really want more than yourself, which is why he didn't move out when you asked. And he wants to be with you.

I had to deal with the problem of anger management some time ago and found this thread quite useful:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/005920.html

<small>[ October 17, 2002, 05:38 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

Thank-you Relate for that thread. I printed it out so I can keep it close. Maybe I judged you too harshly, I am sorry.

A little update...

I am now a productive member of society with a JOB!!! I got the job at a HS in Salt Lake. It is right next to the mountains and is one of the best in SLC! I will only be teaching part time, but I have figured out how I will make ends meet. Plus I am going to be in charge of the Varsity Cheerleaders!! This is what I have wanted since I got my teaching certificate!!! I am very excited! Thank you all for your prayers!

As for the funeral, the service was beautiful. My WH was the ONLY speaker, and he did an amazing job!! He is so talented in writing. I wish he would send his novel into a publisher, but he is never satified with it. Anyway, he has a great fear of public speaking, especially right before he has to start. So while he was on the stand waiting for his time, he looked over at me and I mouthed, "I love you." He smiled, and then stood up and spoke. He did not breakdown eventhough I know this was very emotional for him. I was so proud of him!!! After the funeral, he was very aloof. But I knew that this was a hard time for him, so I just smiled when I could and let it go.

He has our D now, it is his weekend, so I am heading down to Las Vegas. I got so lonely last time he had her that I did not want to feel that way again. So I called up my friends down there, and we are all going out for the night.

Thanks for always letting me share!
HUGS!!
PQ

So he's moved out, has he? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Congratulations on the job PQ. That is terrific.

I'm in a funk today so I'm not great at advice right now. I did want to say I think you handled the funeral well and it's good you got out with your girlfriends to get your mind off of things.

Relate,
No my WH has not officially moved out yet. He is still looking for a place. Right now he has been sleeping on the couch since the 11th of Oct. But he was gone the first weekend and was with his family from Oct. 16-20. So it's not like we are living together, but it also not quite apart either. He is planning on moving out this week. We will see... It is very hard for me to have him here and be carrying on with the A. But he is looking for places very close to our house, within 5 miles. He also is helping me out a lot by being flexible with the visitation schedule. It's hard with my new job.

USH,
I hope you are feeling better today! I had a blast in LV. I love going to see my old buddies that I used to work with. We went to a country bar and played pool and danced. It was a good weekend! Please take care!!!

HUGS!!!
PQ