I have started posting to these boards because, while reading them, I was forced to admit to myself that I am behaving in a way which will ruin my marriage. (I use escort services for sex.) However, this is not why I stumbled across these boards in the first place.

I found these boards because I was doing a google, (you know, www.google.com), search on "paternity" and "affair". I had just finished reading a book called, "Sperm Wars", and was fascinated by the claim that up to 30% of kids are not the biological children of the men who claim them. So, it was curiosity and a weird sort of thrill seeking that brought me here. (I don't have any kids of my own.)

What amazed me about these boards, as compared to most of the others, was the strong emphasis on remaining married. For example, I can't imagine remaining married to a woman who got pregnant by another man, yet there are men posting here who have done that. And there are spouses who have stuck by their straying partner through situations that would have had me saying, "Don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way out!".

I'm not a religious or spiritual person, so maybe that affects my judgement, but there are times when I think you should just cut your losses and move on. On the other hand, I'm having sex outside my marriage w/o my spouses knowledge or consent, so what do I know?

Anyway, I'm glad this site exists, because hopefully it will help me change my ways, but I did not go explicitly looking for it because I felt there was a problem in my marriage.

How did you other folks stumble across Marriagebuilders? Is there anyone else like me who didn't think they even had a problem until they started reading it?

I found this site a few weeks after I discovered that my husband of 9 months had affairs going with 10 women he met on the internet. He’d been doing this for the entire 2.5 years of our engagement and marriage. The URL was in the book “Surviving an Affair”.

was fascinated by the claim that up to 30% of kids are not the biological children of the men who claim them. So, it was curiosity and a weird sort of thrill seeking that brought me here.

I find that number hard to believe. Wonder how they collected the data?

So are you big on thrill seeking? Seems it might hold with what you've told us.

Yes, this board does emphasize saving the marriage. But we also realize that not all marriages are worth saving. It’s one thing to give it one shot at saving it. But it’s not worth spending a lifetime putting up with infidelity. The MB concepts work very well if both spouses are on board.

What amazed me about these boards, as compared to most of the others, was the strong emphasis on remaining married. For example, I can't imagine remaining married to a woman who got pregnant by another man, yet there are men posting here who have done that. And there are spouses who have stuck by their straying partner through situations that would have had me saying, "Don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way out!".

I find it interesting that you say this when you have been using escort services and did not seem to realize the affect it would have on your marriage. Did you not realize that it was infidelity, that you were hurting your wife/marriage?

I’m glad that this site has helped you realize that what you were doing is jeopardizing your marriage. What are you going to do about it now? Not to mention your and your wife’s health.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by doofus:
<strong>Anyway, I'm glad this site exists, because hopefully it will help me change my ways, but I did not go explicitly looking for it because I felt there was a problem in my marriage.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How come you didn't think that there was a problem with your marriage, when you "had" to get sex from escort services?

Was it because you didn't get enough at home, or was it just a wild hunt for new thrills? Anyway, I just dumbfounded that you can claim that you've never felt there was a problem in your marriage and yet sought sex with strangers! I understand that sex isn't all about intimacy or even love, but it shows a deep disrespect for your wife!

However, I hope that now you have found this site that you will take some time to read the information available here, and read stories that will show you how much infidelity can hurt your marriage and spouse, no matter which form it takes. Read and learn, and make an effort to change your ways, and perhaps you will have an even better marriage, without the need to seek thrills outside it.

<small>[ October 17, 2002, 06:22 AM: Message edited by: SadMan ]</small>

doofus,

Although I don't agree with your way of thinking as far as your M goes, I am no one to judge. I will answer your question though.

I am a FWS and after some of the fog cleared I decided I might want my marriage to work. I came here for 2 or 3 months before posting anything. This site really helped me see how I hurt my H and that I could have a better M. It really took away a lot of my doubts. I found this site through a search engine while looking for marriage counceling alternatives, my H wouldn't go to a regular MC so I was looking for someone that did counseling over the phone.

I find this post interesting because I have often wondered the same thing. I have often wanted to direct people to this site without admitting that I have had M problems myself(I know a big fault of mine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

DU

I'm just the opposite DU...I tell everyone. I guess I figure no one is perfect and it seems to me that almost everyone goes through these marital problems (and the site isn't only about infidelity), so I don't feel I have anything to be embarassed about. I messed up and I'm doing what it takes to make it right. Nothing to be ashamed of there.

I learned of MB from someone on the "Today's Parent" message board.

My H and OW#1 posted there. They would use their 'aliases' on the "sex, marriage, and relationships" forum, to blatently talk about their A!!! (Kitten and Tomcat are names I cringe to now!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ). I let it be known who they were. And it really split the board members up for awhile, as OW#1 was a long time poster there, and HAD many friends.

I left my email available to anyone who cared to write to me, and who didn't want to post publicly. One of the emails I received, was from a person in recovery on here (she no longer posts). She told me all about MB, and suggested that I take a look at the site. It took me about a month before I started reading here, and another month before I became a member and started posting.

Since becoming a MBer, I've done nothing but promote this site. ALL of my family and friends hear about 'MB this' and 'MB that' all of the time now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I share the concepts with them, that can be used in everyday situations, and hope that some have come here to learn too. But THAT I don't press on them.

Karen

BTW: I check back to the TP website every now and then, too see if OW#1 is back posting. To the best of my knowledge, she is no longer welcome there - either that, or she's lying again, and using a different name and personal information. Either way, she's not welcome there by a LOT of people.

<small>[ October 17, 2002, 09:47 AM: Message edited by: Topie25 ]</small>

I found this site looking for Marriage Counselors. I need to talk, individually, with a counselor about my sexual preferences and my aversion to sex with my wife.

I, like you are involved in the hobby (sex-for-hire) and we see prostitution in a much different light than the public at large. After all, it is not us that have the problem; it is society in general that has a morality problem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We hobbyist believe it is the best way to stay happily married to our wives. Incredible sex with a 25 yo cannot compare with my pain in my wife’s bed. Yes, we are cheating, but we tell ourselves we are not like the friend in the office who screws anyone he can, has long term affairs with other women, and/or ONS’s.

We hobbyist’s believe, incorrectly, that the infidelity we experience can not hurt our wives. It is extremely easy to hide from the SO. After all, we pay a prostitute to leave, not to show up. We pay for discretion AND sex, all wrapped up into a Girl Friend Experience or GFE.

Unlike you doofus, my wife knows. Not all, but some of it. It has been two years and our marriage is not getting better, if anything, it is getting worse. It is time for us to take action, but which way I go, or she goes, has not been decided. Now, I understand why my marriage has not gotten any better. I had done nothing to change it for the better.

I am going to my 1st session with MB next week. I found these boards after spending 30+ hours on the MB site. Finally I searched the site for “prostitution” and found quite a few threads, where the lady’s on this board were devastated. I had no idea that something as simple as a 1 hour appointment with a prostitute could bring this much harm upon someone. To me, I thought I had been helping our marriage…Know I know how my wife feels.

Hobbyist

I also frequent a bodybuilding chat board. One of the members there includes a link here in his signature. I knew about this place before I knew I needed it. The moment I knew my marriage was in trouble I began poking around and reading. At first, I avoided the infidelity articles stuff because I didn't want to believe that my wife was having an affair (the BS fog!). Over tine I began reading it all and that's when my eyes opened.

Hobbyist

I had no idea that something as simple as a 1 hour appointment with a prostitute could bring this much harm upon someone. To me, I thought I had been helping our marriage…Know I know how my wife feels.

I, like you are involved in the hobby (sex-for-hire) and we see prostitution in a much different light than the public at large. After all, it is not us that have the problem; it is society in general that has a morality problem.

We hobbyist believe it is the best way to stay happily married to our wives. Incredible sex with a 25 yo cannot compare with my pain in my wife’s bed. Yes, we are cheating, but we tell ourselves we are not like the friend in the office who screws anyone he can, has long term affairs with other women, and/or ONS’s.

I found your post interesting. You are right that an hour or two incredible roll in the hay with a 25 year old would be wonderful. Sure why not? You know I really like the buffed up muscular type. Yea, my dream job is to be the person who greases up the body builder models. Those guys are gorgeous. Yes, I’m a woman and I agree, sex for a sport can be fun. I was in Las Vegas, Nevada this last May. Found out that they even have web sites there were a woman can order up a guy to ‘entertain her’ in her room in privacy. Sure they have the same thing for men.

There seems to be an element of men who believe that they are entitled to sex for sport. My ex-H is one of them. Funny because my SF drive and willingness to explore and have fun are much higher then his. But he had the same attitude… that somehow it was better if he got it somewhere else. I did the smart thing, after years of that I dumped him. How would you feel if your wife were doing the same thing you were? Did you ever think that maybe she was bored to death with you in bed? And it turns out that the reason is because you were getting the ‘exciting’ stuff elsewhere so you never gave her what would have made her a real wild one in that area?

When you married you wife you promised to forsake all others. You did not. She had the right to know this so that she could make her own decisions as what she wanted. Who knows, maybe she would have wanted an open marriage, to use male prostitutes or just leave you. It was her choice to make. That is what people just do not get for infidelity of any kind. The BS has the right to make a choice about their own life. The lying, sneaking around, and being spoken badly of is by far the most hurtful part of it all.

Hobbyist, I'm not ranking on you... I'm trying to get you to see it from a different side.. suppose your wife had been lying to you all these years too?

Zorweb,

Thank you for enlightening me on the other side of the coin.

I would have no problem for her to see male escorts. I actually would encourage it, and have encouraged an open marriage. She turned that idea down, cold. An open marriage would be the quickest way for Honesty and POJA to come out, which is missing in my relationship with her. But, I can not have my cake and eat it too (cake eater).

My problem is I am probably a SA, and I am going to IC next week to find out just what I can do. Is it not Sport Fu@k!ing, but who knows? I’m the one with the problem.

My wife and I have explored many ways to have enjoyable sex. We have all the toys, etc, but we both like it “normal”. As far as I can tell, she is happy in bed, with me. But who knows?

You are right, she deserves the right to know and I gave her those 2 years ago, (abou 10 year late)but I have not done anything to help build the marriage since then, so it is deteriorating. It is time for me to act and seek help to strengthen our M.

This thread says a lot more about me, and I do appreciate your honesty.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=002042

Hobbyist

<small>[ October 27, 2002, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: Hobbyist ]</small>

Hobbyist and Doofus:

That you are visiting this site and reading several threads is an indication to me that you feel that your actions might be hurtful to your spouse. I fully agree with Zorweb that your extra-marital indulgences can have a lasting emotional effect on your spouse and your marriage. Surely you both know that already. I do not intend here to preach to you, but please consider how your actions may hurt your spouse. These types of hurts are worse than the worst physical blow that one might endure. It leaves an indelible emotional scar. I hope that you might consider going for one or more MB counselling sessions to help you regain the joys of marriage. Please, please think about it and post here so some of us could help you make marriage a better place in our society.