Any one want to help? Wife had affair w/ someone I thought was my best friend
( 5 months ago ). There has been some progress but I just can't her to open
up sexually to me. She still has reservations about sex and what happened.
I've tried to be patient but it's running thin. I've been the giver during this whole
process and I sometimes feel that I can't go on. I love her and have forgiven but
forgetting is going to take a long time. Any wife out there that had this happen
and can help with getting her to meet my needs pls let me know. How can I
bring her back to me sexually??????

Hi therod,

I sorry that you are here and for the pain you are going through. I know how it feels. Feeling like we are the ones doing all the work and not getting anything back. But if you really get to understand EN'S, this might help you abit. Have you read the book: His Needs, Her Needs. It definately helped me. I too am the Bs, we didn't have this problem after the affair, but sadly before my H had an affair, I had closed down on him sexually.

He was for sure not fullfilling my Needs and in return I wasn't fullfilling his. (If we had only known about this site at that time.)

Oh well, but now we do and it has helped us to be where we now are. We are "recovered".

I will try to explain how I see this from my point of view and I hope this might help you abit.

As you know woman think differently than men. (I know, men will never understand us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
I will talk for myself now. When I am emotionally fullfilled, I feel that my need for "sexuality" increases. How do I get emotionally fullfilled?? Well when my H gives me the feeling that he understands me, wants to listen to me. When he is affectionate (not only because his goal is "sex")
When I mean affection I mean the following things, they just make me feel very good about my H and I feel connected.
When he looks at me and tells me that he loves me(out of the blue)
when he gives me hugs and a light kiss (out of the blue)
when he brings me flowers or just a little thing to let me know that he was thinking of me.
when he phones from work just to tell me that he misses me
when he tells me to just sit down and relax and he then spoils me
when he tells me that I look good and that he's prowd of me
when he asks me, what I'm wearing underneath <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
When he teases me and tells me that he'd like to do this or that
when he is easy going and is humerous
when he smiles at me just because
when he just asks me if he can help me with anything

These are the things that make me feel good and I feel very connected when I get this. Feeling connected will lead to "sexual arrousal" . At least for me.
It takes time though. this will not happen in one day.

Are you aware of your wifes Emotional Needs. It's just a thought. You could be giving all you can and yet if you are not fullfilling "her" emotional needs, you won't reach her heart.

take care and feel free to ask, if yomething doesn't make sence.

take care
bb

bb,

Thanks for the reply. My problem is that I think the W is still in withdrawl. I think I know what here needs are but still it doesn't seem to help. I'm really trying to be patient but most days it seems like 1 step forward and 4-5-6...steps back. I love her and I'm willing to and have done everything you've mentioned since the A happened. Still most of the time her reaction is kinda disgust instead of feeling better. She doesn't want me to touch her, she says she doesn't need affection all of the time so on so forth. In the same breath she doesn't fully understand that my biggest need is AFFECTION This of course makes me feel very <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I guess it's just the roller coaster ride we have to endure. Just tonight before I left to work she was very affectionate and that made me very very <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> This cause me to feel very ready for another need which she did fufill <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But I know that she did it more because I expected it than because she was willing. At this point I'm willing to take that but I want her to be mine completely and willingly. Thanks for the ear any other advice is appreciated.

me/32
w/32
kids 3 & 5 yoa
married / 13 yrs wishing forever
still in LOVE even though some say I'm crazy but that what I want and she says that's what she wants

NON sexual touch is key to recovery ... especially for women. She is still on vigilent alert .... she cannot relax. Help her turn off her alert status.

Examples:

Foot rubs that do NOT lead to higher up the leg.

A few kisses on the palm of her hand that do NOT involve finger sucking.

Stuff like that.

She needs this daily .... while your needs are ignored. ("NOT fair" .... <sigh>, I know)

However .... you can express your needs to her .... I (strongly) suggest you write her sexual love letters instead of verbally telling her. Really juicy romantic stuff which is very descriptive of things you want to be able to enjoy with her. In your letters, describe the pleasure you feel when you behold her beauty and hear her make little sounds. <You get the idea, I hope> Describe IN DETAIL the things about her that attract you to her. (She feels like [censored] ... show her how lovely YOU see her) Use gooshy words you might gag on in person.

Trust me.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Oooh, Pepper is soooo right. Once my hubby learned to be affectionate and quit pressuring me for sex I started attacking him more!

Thanks that all sounds great but what if I've tried and so far ( not always ) have failed. What else do you recommend??

"Yes but ..."

And, pray tell, how do you define failure? How do you define success?

Can you tell when your "taker" is pressuring you?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Bumping up so Therod can respond to my questions if he chooses.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pep,

Sorry didn't respond earlier. Well maybe failure is too strong a word. It just feels like sometimes I don't get through to her. Consider todays post. See: Cope or accept by me. This is what I mean by failure. Getting her to open up is very difficult. I Love her and want to be with her but. Not getting a return really S@#$s if you know what I mean. I feel like I'm being ignored..... For instance. This morning I get home and instead of trying to spend some time with me. She's off again with her Step-sis. I mean I know I'm just going to sleep ( worked all night ) but having her next to me just to either hold or have her hold me would be so comforting. But right now the only one she's thinking about is herself. No consideration for me at all. What's your take, advice or am I being and idiot about the way recovery is supposed to happen??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

therod

Hopefully I will have your problems shortly in the meantime have you thought that she may not feel worthy of your attentions?

I've been talking with WS XW and she does not feel she is worthy of anything right now. She is still with the OM.

If your W loves and did what she did she probably doesn't feel very good about herself and doesn't understand why you would want her. My XW always thinks their is an ulterior motive. She finds it hard to believe I can just love her.

I don't know if this helps or makes any sense.

Failure or success for YOU as a person .... this is where you need to focus. Your marriage will stall if you stop growing as a person.

If your definition of failure or success is dependent on another person's reaction to your efforts ... you are trying to row someone else's boat ... which is frustrating and not a great way to live your life.

This is probably a bit confusing for you if you've never studied relationship dynamics before.

Imagine yourself in a small boat. And your goal is to row to a distant shore. But, instead of rowing your boat, you are watching how another person rows their boat. And it frustrates you that they are not rowing in the direction you'd like them to row. With this method, will you ever reach your goal of arrival at the distant shore?

When you write about your wife's feelings, her activities, and her rebuff .... what have you learned about yourself?

Perhaps you need to more clearly define your goal ... in terms that you have the power to create success.

This is not easy stuff. Keep trying. What are you doing to make yourself a stronger, better man?

Peacefully,

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi Rod,

I have an opinion about this ( just like everyone else.)

I think you have been given some very good advice here. The one other thing you need is time. It just takes time.

Some here report that it takes about as long as the affair lasted before you can begin recovery. Some have gone one to two years before recovery. If you think you have it in you to go that long, you have a very good chance to recover your marriage.

I have experienced much of what you are going through, and we did not have an A between us. My W turned away when I tried to kiss her, didn't want to spend time with me, avoided intimate discussions. After I found MB, it took many months for things to change, even with me doing everything right. I repeat what others have said, its not fair, and it should fall upon her to do the work, not you, but here you are - doing it anyway.

It took me a while to fine tune things and begin to read her, know what I could get away with on any give day. Some days, I brought her flowers and a card. She would say " you don't have to do that." I could not see visible signs that it did any good at all, but I had this plan and I didn't judge how successful my plan was by how she reacted, I judged it by how well I did what I planned to do. Over many months, I could see a difference but I could not see one from day to day or even week to week. For a long time she didn't want to talk about it, but finally she came on board, filled out the EN questions, and we are working together now, not just me. ( wow, what a relief to have help)

The things Blondblossem and Pepperband told you are right on, if you are already doing them, keep it up. I recommend printing it out and keeping it for reference. I recommend that you write down what you plan to do, and do something daily.

Some days I would take her to lunch as a surprise. Some days I would clean the bathroom for her. I mopped the kitchen floor, washed her car. I would sneak up behind her and spin her around and kiss her, often she would take offense at that. Then I would say "when you are in love like I am, it's hard to stay away, but for you, I will try and restrain myself."
I teased her like lovers tease, treated her like a queen, acted like were newlyweds. Often I was ignored, often asked not to do things for her. I did them anyway but was careful not to go to far. ( you get a feel for it as you go on.)

As has been noted before, you don't have to stay, you don't have to work on things if you don't want to. HOWEVER, if you do want to make it work, and are willing to give it enough time, it will probably work in the end. I really believe in this MB stuff, it worked for me just like the book says. After reading "HNHN" and "Love Buster's" I was very happy, for I knew it would work, it just felt right, and it has worked. DR Harley has taken a universal principal (that people like you more if you are nice to them) and worked it out to help marriages succeed, I hope you can make it work for you, I believe you can, I really do.

SS