I'm taking a sabbatical. Not from this board, obviously, especially since I'm apparently addicted to it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , but from "fixing" the marriage. Let me explain.

It's been three months since D-Day. We've gone from a honeymoon high to this nauseating status of connected but not connected. In many ways, I blame myself, and I blame her. But blame isn't the thing here. It's just time to give things a rest.

No, I'm not Plan Bing or giving up on A. In fact, it will be so Plan A, Harley would probably think I stole his blueprints. But what I'm leaving out: The focus on "fixing" the relationship. I'm actually giving her a sabbatical from having to deal with it.

I do this for a couple of reasons. First, it's two weeks post-surgery for her, and there are four weeks until the formal "recovery" process is done and they let her go back to her old routines. I figure that's a good, round number of days to let things sit for a while.
Second, I'm tired of all this crap. I mean, really, when you wake up in the morning and wish you could go back to sleep just so you didn't have to think about it, isn't that a sign of obsessiveness?
Third, I think it's necessary to establish a better rapport with her. We've been disconnected lately, and that's due mainly to my insistence that we pry into some very dark and troubling spots in our relationship, myself and her. She has indicated a willingness to discuss those things "in the future" but I'm pretty darn persistant about this stuff. So, the OR talks becomes an LB, and I've posted numerous times about this topic.

So, I think four weeks will be good. I'll talk OR if she brings it up, or if something prompts a spontaneous discussion, but not at my instigation. No more going home with a pre-set topic of conversation in my mind. No more "Guess what I read today?" No more sneaking it into conversations.

See, I realized something last night. Our marriage, before D-Day, was pretty bland. No one was getting excited about it. But, by and large, we had things pretty well in hand. We talked. We laughed. We were comfortable with each other. She was screwing a family friend and I was having an on-line affair with an old flame. Just peachy.
But the point is this: It wasn't broke as bad as we think it was. We weren't meeting each others needs in basic areas: recreation, affection, conversation. And I was being a giant p**** because I didn't know how to deal with her. She was resentful, and I was withdrawn.
But still, it was comfortable.
So how do you get that comfort in a marriage that's broke, without repeating the mistakes of the past?
Give yourself a time-out. And that's what I'm going to try to do. Establish a comfort zone, a platform where she can trust that I won't go back to old ways of reacting to her and THEN we'll enter into OR talk again. In other words, I'm setting back the clock to pre D-Day, going back in time in a sense, if I can.

Now, some of you are going to jump my stuff for this, but let's look at it logically: No one can live, function or thrive under the white-hot intensity of a repair program. You have to have time to gather your thoughts and moods. That's what this will do.

I'll keep doing what I need for ME, hence this post and the others that will follow. You'll be able to see what's going on. Consider it an experiment.
And I'll focus on my Plan A, my effort to revive my wife's love and affection for me.
But I'm not going to drag the problems out in the sun for review. It's time to let those things sit for a bit.

Thoughts?

Well, I read your other two posts and that's the extent to which I know your situation...but I can say that you remind me of Spacecase :-) You can analyze and learn and figure out everything that's wrong and what you need to do to fix it...and none of that will make a bit of difference if you've distanced your wife more in the process. You can take a journey of self discovery for yourself...and you can learn more about marital and affair dynamics that might help you to better understand things...but until your wife is ready to journey with you, recovery will be like trying to force a donkey uphill.

In our situation I was the one doing the mass reading and asking to try to figure everything out. It wore me out and led to the state you were talking about, where it was affecting work and everything else. Taking a sabatical from the "fixing and educating" mode gave my mind a rest and actually allowed clear thought more.

<small>[ September 17, 2003, 08:24 AM: Message edited by: still forever hers ]</small>

SFH --
Excuse me a second. I have to wipe up the Coca Cola I just blew all over my desk, keyboard, everything.. through my nose. Man, that was some funny stuff.
Supernova? Yeah, I feel it. I know what you mean, and that's really what today was all about, hence the gazillion posts. It was like tumblers hitting at the same time and doors -- long closed doors -- opening. And I get to be a freak about new things that get my attention.

But, I know you're right. The only reason I don't get a calendar is just in case she really doesn't receive the effort as well as I think she might, I don't want to be jumping into the whole OR stuff in a month saying "Well, I gave you 30 days. Look at this calendar. LET'S TALK!" So, I'll be patient. And patient.

And patient.
And patient.

And yeah, it is a compulsion to fix it. But here's the thing: The fix is already there. It's just not my job to put it in place. It's our -- hers and mine -- to do. I'll just... wait. Good timing, too. Holidays, football -- lots of distractions!

Oh, and hence the title Diaries Chap. 1. You guys are gonna get a LOT of crap from me in the days/weeks to come. And if it suddenly dries up? Too busy with my FWS having fun! lol.

Chorus - So you're taking my earlier post and re-wording it as your own idea. Fine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I'm not bitter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Just kidding, man...

I think this break will serve you and your W well. Just find some fun things to do with the time... I remember washing the cars w/ my W during that time and we got into an all-out soap and sponge fight. Maybe a little cold for that, now...

Riff -- Cold water + wet t-shirt on bosomy hot bod wife = ?

Hey honey! Wanna wash the cars today?

<small>[ September 17, 2003, 08:24 AM: Message edited by: still forever hers ]</small>

LOL...oh great, we got another Spacecase and 2long on our hands here.

Well, it may just be a "male" thing...but I fit that profile pretty well. Had a flat tire on my bike one time, my dad walked out to find the entire thing dismantled...the bike, not just the tire. I guess that's why I'm a computer tech now...just love to rip stuff apart. Our counselor actually said that our situation was very atypicle. I was the one wanting to work more and my hubby was the one asking to be held :-)

No, I really do understand the desire to understand. I find psychology and human behaviour to be facinating anyway, and this is certainly a commonality that it doesn't seem like many of us are aware of. I guess it helped ease my guilt a little that there really were reasons that led me to the putrid state of mind I found myself in, and while that certainly doesn't exonerate me...it helps me to feel less evil and a little more human. It was my hope that hubby might come to understand too so that maybe it might help him to forgive me...but his only real interest is that I've learned a valuable lesson and won't ever do it again. No problemo!!! I'd rather volunteer for colonoscopy than go through that hell again.

Anyway...I will say that when I backed off from the pressure to perform according to this or that books standards and quit reliving the two years of torture and just got back to "normal"...we just seemed to click again. I think you can think better when you don't feel like you HAVE to.

The truly infuriating thing about this? The burning desire to educate the FWS. I really, really want her to see this stuff, but she is slow to warm to it because it seems forced on her. She has to kind of "find it" on her own. Oh well, not my job to educate, right? In fact, not my job or desire, really, to change her personality.