For everyone that has been here for me, I want to thank you for your support, encouragement and even admonishment at times. It is all of you that have helped keep me on the straight and narrow since I got home from Bosnia in April and found out about this mess.

Well, I don't want to count my chickens…but I think I have finally seen a breakthrough. A quick summary of what preceded this.

I went into a full Plan B about three weeks ago when WW told me she was back with OM. I have been pretty good about no contact, except for some things dealing with the kids. I even did absolutely nothing for her birthday at the beginning of this month. Come to find out, it was the worst birthday of her life. In the meantime, I have been going out and trying to get on with my life. And I guess the word was getting back to WW that I was moving on.

Then last week happened. On a week ago Thursday, my WW called and wanted to start talking about things. I said no…not until she was ready to abandon OM and start working on us. My two conditions. So Friday, she calls me at work crying. She states that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I asked why (even though I havent been talking to her). She said she has come to the point that I have been wanting her at. That she has realized what she has done. That she is a horrible person and mother. That she has screwed up things so bad, that her life is over. That I should just move on because she is a mess and the mess she has made can never be cleaned up. That she is depressed and at the lowest point of her life.

Well, needless to say, while I was very encouraged to hear this because it seemed to signal that the fog had lifted and reality had smacked her upside her head, I was VERY worried about her mental state. She had been hospitalized in her teens for depression and attempted suicide. While I wanted to continue to play hardball until she met my two conditions, I felt that I had better back down at least for the moment and try to be there for her. So I talked to her. I told her that I didn't think all those things about her. That if she was those things, then I wouldn't be trying to reconcile. I just believed that she was lost and making wrong decisions. I told her I believed we could get it back. That she doesn't have to continue down this road, or continue to be like this. That this isnt her. We talked for about an hour. I think my reassurance comforted her and she asked if we could talk on Sunday after work, because she was working Friday and Saturday all day. I said okay.

On Sunday, she got off late from work and asked me to come to her apartment. I left the kids with friends and went over around 10pm. I knew she wanted to talk, and she started to. But she just couldn't seem to get the words out. Things like "How could you possibly want me after all of this?" "You were right…I screwed up…I am such a weak person." Things like that. Well, part of me wanted to say "Right…now you got it!" But rubbing it in at this point would be disasterous. Instead, I sat down next to her, put my hand over her mouth and told her not to talk anymore. That I wasn't going to listen to her bash herself. That lets just sit here tonight and hold each other. Well, that's exactly what we did. I lay in bed with her in her apartment all night holding her. I did not sleep one minute all night. She said it was the first nights sleep she has head in almost a week. All night, I sat and prayed to God that I wasn't getting sucked back in. This was too perfect lying next to her. I did not want to get in this, only to get destroyed again.

I got up early the next morning to go get my kids and take them to school. Once I did that, I went back to her apartment. She had just turned on the shower to get ready to go to a study group, and then work. She turned off the shower and then again asked me to lay down with her. I did. In the process of this, we talked some more. She told me that she was weak, that she just couldn't be alone especially with all that was happening last fall. That she loved me and never wanted any of this. But that she felt I had abandoned her emotionally before I left for Bosnia, and then physically when I left in Sept 2001. She said she couldn't understand why I would want her back. Why I still wanted to be her knight and rescue her. I told her "What kind of knight only fights small dragons? What kind of knight would just give up and ride away…leaving the love of his life to be destroyed?" She said she thought I was dating now, that I was moving on. I told her that whatever I was doing, that there was two things she could count on RIGHT NOW….that I am still her husband and that I was with her right then. I told her whatever happens from this moment on would be up to her. If she wanted to go to counseling and help us get out of all of this, then I would be willing to hang in there. I told her we were never meant to be here, that it would take people that know more about these things to help guide us through it. She said okay (and we have an appointment this Monday with a counselor).

After this al happened, her spirits seemed to jump. We talked a few more minutes, with me telling her that I was there for her, but she had to reach out for me before I could do anything. I noticed she didn't have much food in her fridge on the way out and asked her what was up. She said she hadnt much time to shop over the past week, or the next week due to work and school. I told her I had to go to the store, and I would pick up her stuff if she gave me a list. She began to cry. I asked again what was the matter. She told me she had asked the OM two weeks ago if he could pick up some stuff at the store for her since she was so busy. He told her "you're an independent woman…you handle it." WOW. Big LB on his part, and I unknowingly stumbled in to the rescue and made a huge deposit in her love bank with going to the store for her. I really think she is getting the point on all of this (although I have concerns I will ask about below that all of you may be able to help me with).

I was on the way out and told her about our daughter that morning, when I went to pick her up. She had jumped in my lap and then looked at me and asked where I had gone the night before. I told her I went to Mom's. She asked if I stayed all night. I said yes. She smiled and put her head on me. Then she said "I knew you went to Mom's…I can smell her on you." When I told this to my wife, she started balling. I held her again, telling her it will be okay…to just take my hand and I will do the rest.

The rest of the week has been pretty similar until yesterday. Tuesday night, she called me from work just to say "" want you to know that I am a better person with you behind me."" Again, I still cant believe what I am seeing and hearing.

Yesterday, she went to my attorney with me because of my court date Monday (A&B). She wanted to ask what she could do about it. She was very contentious with my lawyer, but worked with him on a plan. Afterwards, as we walked out, I began to get scared again of falling into this, especially after being in there when the subject of the pending divorce came up (she is supposed to be served next week…she doesn't know it though). She had told my lawyer that she isnt hiring a lawyer, that I was free to do to her what I wanted…that she wouldn't even fight custody. Anyway, as we walked out, she grabs my arm tightly and walks with me. I tell her I am scared, that I am falling for her again and that I hoped she had meant everything she had been saying. She was in a rush (had to be at work in 1/2 hour) but hugged and kissed me and said that she just needed time to sort all of this out, since she just "woke up" a week ago. I let it go at that.

Anyway, later last night, she was released from work early and dropped by to say goodnight to the kids. I talked with her for a minute and may have made a mistake. Instead of just rolling with it (Plan A), I acted like I am still in Plan B mode (am I?…should I be?) and asked her if the OM is still in the picture. She said that he technically was, but they were barely speaking. I told her that I couldn't do this then, that I was scared of her moving forward and then falling back. She said that it wasn't about him. That she now realized what I had been saying, what Steve Harley had been saying (fog lifted). And now she is trying to find a way out of the mess she has created. That she needs some time to sort this all out, but in the meantime, she wants to spend time with me, and the family, and go to counseling together. Again, I told her that I cant invest in her if the OM is in the picture (Plan B). She was very disappointed, because we had a whole weekend planned with me, her and the kids. She had even planned to spend the night at our house Saturday night.

She left with me saying I would do anything for her, but I could not co-exist with OM. She said she didn't understand, that she was trying and if I could give her the time, then "when I tell the OM to go away forever, I will be home that night for good." Now, she has two weeks left on her lease, so timing may be everything here. I called her later and sort of backed down, saying that it is hard to do this (go back to Plan A) but that I was willing to try to keep going like this in hopes that shortly, she will wrap all of this up and us get started.

Now, here is where I need everyone's help. She is now scheduling almost every available minute she has away from school and work with me and the kids. She is calling me constantly. She is starting with counseling on Monday with me. What do I do?

Do I stay with Plan B, which seems to have gotten us here, until she has met the condition of doing the official butt kicking to the OM? Or do I immediately shift to Plan A, and do like I did with the groceries and being there for her to talk to, and allowing us all to spend time together like she seems to want? What do I do? For how long? Until her lease is up at the end of the month? Our mutual friend seems to think she has already made a decision, but is just trying to confirm it in her mind. And that she will be home at the end of the month before she has to re-up her lease. I would like to agree, but to do so would mean that I set myself up to be hurt again if she doesn't make it.

So, do I protect myself in Plan B, or go for broke again and take the opportunity to be there for her as she finally is seeing reality and finally really wanting her life back.

Everyone chime in. how do I go about this? What should I watch out for? How long should I let this exist like this before going back to Plan B? Should I stop the divorce paperwork from being served next week (just let it sit for awhile) until we see how things go (it might scare her back into the fog)? If she does come back, do I still protect myself and let paperwork go through, especially on custody…in case she falls out again 3, 6, 12 months from now?

So, you experts out there need to chime in here. I need a battle plan here. Courses of action (COAs). I need to know what I should expect from the "enemy" and how to combat it.

I really think that the "enemy" is now trying to find a way to surrender. But, like the Civil War (War Between the States for us Southerners), the "enemy" is not really the enemy. We have to live together again once the surrender is over. So I cant destroy her and expect to get her back. But at the same time, what if she doesn't surrender? I have the perfect chance to get everything I want and need right now, should our marriage be over. That may not be true 6 months from now.

The decisions I make now will forever decide my future and my kids future. A little help here before I execute my battle plans.

Mortarman has stopped advancement as a white flag has been waved. Enemy has waved flag before, only to attack when I let down my guard. So, I am holding my position and watching to see what happens next.

Out.

<small>[ October 16, 2002, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

Mortarman,

I haven't posted to you before, but I have read your story.

For what it's worth, here's my $0.02....

If she is showing signs of wanting to reverse the damage she has done, you probably need to open the door a little and give her the opportunity to do it. If you pull away, now that she is finally seeming to come out of the "fog" you run the risk of chasing her away - for good.

Just a thought,

Has

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Try to maintain your emotional detachment (guarding your emotions and not getting your hopes up too high) without becoming emotionally distant.

Continue with plan A because it will give you a chance to keep depositing more love units in her love bank, and hopefully will make it a lot easier for her to send OM his walking papers.

You might want to print The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage for her to read. They are not long and she can read them in a couple of minutes.

If you haven't done so already, let your FWS know that she is human and that the mistake she made, you too could have made if the roles had been reversed. This shows her that you acknowledge that you are also a human being capable of making a mistake like hers.

Also let her know that you will NEVER, EVER throw the A in her face. Many FWS are affraid that their FBS will always carry the resentment and throw their A in their faces when they get upset with them.

It would also be a good idea to tell her that the old M is DEAD and good riddance, but that a new M ,much better than the old one, awaits both of you if you are both committed to following the The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage. You might even want to let her know that you want to hold a new M ceremony as a symbol of the NEW M and recommittment of vows towards each other.

Mortarman you have done an outstanding job of fighting for your M and your family and no matter how the situation resolves itself you can hold your head high knowing that you have learned and grown as husband, father, and man.

Sounds promising, but tread very carefully... unless and until she commits to ditching OM, there's always a very strong temptation for her to resume her cake-eating ways, even if in secret.

I'm starting to see that once an OP "gets a taste" of the cheatin' life, they don't seem to care so much that MM/MW are more a liability than an asset... so they're much more willing to tolerate the horse poopie that comes from "sharing".

Anyhow, I tend to agree that being too Plan B is not a good idea at this stage... but I don't personally see any reason in the world not to express your concerns / reservations and even pain at your WW's insistence to end the A on "her terms". If being honest is a LB, then we're all in trouble. You know what your terms were when you went to Plan B, so you can be the only judge on whether she's meeting them "enough" to come out of it or not... just be wary, given my first-hand experience with a WW who seemed to "respond" to Plan B, only to go back to her cake-eating ways at the earliest possible opportunity. Others have said it: it's this stage - the transition to recovery - that is most volatile.

Mortarman,

This is such a breakthrough. I agree with the others Plan A is preferable but the OM has to go. This is unnegotiable. As for the legalities it is difficult to say how to procede. You must stay clear minded for the sake of your children. I think it will be very soon that you will know her mind. If she re-ups the apartment serve her she can't continue this drama forever. If you can hold off until you know what her decision will be in terms of her bachelorette pad. I think you were perfect coming out of Plan B when you did but maintained your awareness of how easily you can get drained emotionally if she doesnt move towards you.
It is very true that the WS sometimes goes through a morality shock of sorts when the fog is clearing. They truly hit rock bottom and hate themselves for the person they were. They find it hard to understand how you the BS can forgive them when they feel if things were reversed they wouldnt be able to forgive. You showed her that you still love and will always love the person you know she can be. I think it was wonderful how your mere physical presence calmed her and reassured her. The woman you married was the one who finally slept the night through with you by her side because the woman she has been drained her to the point of a break down...and break through.

As I am never one who is at a loss for words: I concur with the others. Plan A with CAUTION.

Keep in mind your objectives to heal the marriage while being aware of her fragile mental state. Be mentally ready to fall back to Plan B if necessary but be hopeful that the nights of you both side by side will fill your lives.

Be wary of over exciting your children in terms of their mother's apparent change in attitude. The less of a rollercoaster they are on the better.

I have share your story with my husband. Suffice it to say you are an example to many. Thanks.

continuing prayers

ayslyne

Hi Mortar,

I agree, Plan A, Guard you heart. You don't need it ripped apart again.

I would put serving the papers on hold for now. If she re-ups the lease, serve her. I'm thinking that serving her now, might be a huge LB. It is only a couple of weeks until she has to decide.

I hope this is the real thing. That would be so wonderful for you and the kids.

Good luck to you all.

Mortorman:

Yep, you deserve a whole ton of credit for the good things that are happening 2 you and your W right now. But do be careful.

I'd go back 2 plan A, so long as you're able 2 not LB like you've been doing this week. Not only not LBing, you've been able 2 make her feel better about herself as a person in the process of "re-establishing diplomatic ties". NICELY DONE!

Hm... the end of the month is pretty soon, ac2ally. Is it a month-2-month lease? If so, maybe another month apart, but with your plan A behavior in place, with visiting each other and doing family stuff 2gether, maybe that will give her the time she needs 2 really be able 2 sever ties with OM. He really does have 2 go. Just don't use her unwillingness 2 let go of him as a threat. Ignore him, as much as you can. Focus on being a family, loving her, helping her by showing her she can heal herself (with your help and with Cing). At some point, OM will become a non-issue 2 HER and it will be easy 2 say 80-ose 2 him herself. At that point, by all means let her move back home!!!

My best regards,

Mortorman:

I don't mean 2 put your W down here, but this one should go in the "fog archives":

"So Friday, she calls me at work crying. She states that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. "

Again, I wish you all the best. Both of you, and I congratulate you on a job well done. Keep up the hard work!

MM,

I think you need to perform a strategic withdrawal from Plan B. 2Long's suggestion I believe to be on the mark. You should plan A her, but she shouldn't move home until OM is really out of the picture. You two need to discuss and decide how this will be accomplished and how she will reassure that it has been accomplished.

You are doing very well, but be careful of those nasty expectations. It will take her quite awhile to really get on the path to recovery. There will be some ups and downs. Ask her for help, that will serve two purposes. It means you see her as someone on your level and capable of being someone you need, and it allows her to move away from some of the guilt.

Interestingly, her guilt will very likely be the biggest obstacle to the recovery once it starts. Odd isn't it. The one thing you sort of hope finally pops up, her conscience, is the one thing that makes this soo hard to get through.

Hang in there and keep up the good work.

God Bless,

JL

hmmm... reckon that being served with the d papers might leave a slightly wrong impression. can you hold back for a moment?
looks like timing is everything here. I'd go for a risking a chance here. when the lease runs out, she is at your door: take her in, with all the tra-ra and do play the marseillaise.

plan B & papers can still follow if she lets you down

N

Me I would put a halt on divorce also, put the divorce aside for now, but guard your emotions.

Just a thought, did you give her the NC letter ... she might wanna send it any day now.

Hi Mortar,

How is it going?

just checking in

ayslyne

Well, the last week saw everything start to look great, only to have me LB and now...who knows?

Starting the end of last week and the weekend, we had an awesome time. Time with the kids, alone. She was saying all of the right things, both to me and to our joint friend. She said she wants to come home. She started planning where furniture would go, etc. She talked about how OM just couldnt meet all of her needs, especially family. How I am the only family she has ever known. She told our friend that she just didnt know how to end it with OM, because her way of doing it was just to let it die out, as she has done in the past.

We did have two arguments on Friday and Saturday, but they were not huge and I thought we had pretty much resolved them and went on to have a great weekend. Until Sunday. Sunday, the wife started talking about the two arguments...that she just didnt want to be in this if she had to argue all of the time (she even stated that we did so before all of this). I told her I agreed but that it just meant that we are trying to find our way. She stated that with her school and everything else, she just doesnt have the energy to go through this. So, after our son's ballgame, she headed to her apartment, and I was feeling a little weird.

Monday was the courtdate for the A&B. I got lowered to a lesser charge and it will be dismissed upon taking this class for the next 6 months. Anyway, it was my WW that went in and told the prosecuter that she didnt want this. So, after court, she asked me to stay with her and run errands. So, we had a great afternoon, shopping, went to lunch and got drunk...and then back to my place where we took a nap together until the kids came home. She then stayed with the kids while I went to my counselor. My counselor warned me that I might be getting sucked in, and that I should hold my ground and say that she needs to get rid of OM before coming home and that I shouldnt move too much closer until that happens. Well, that set me up for my huge LB that night. I came back and she left to go run errands and head to her place to study. She said she would call later.

Later on, she called and I LBed big time. I told her I couldnt take the OM around anymore. She asked me to be patient, that she was just starting to get comfortable with me this week. But I pressed on like an idiot, and told her to pick him or me. She said she couldnt, then handed the key to my house back and said I should do what I want. During that long conversation, she cried over the possible loss of me and her family. She said that she just couldnt make a decision on anything yet and needed time. Of course, I played the Plan B deal, instead of Plan A. If I had done it right, we would probably be moving her stuff in this next weekend, like she started to discuss last week.

Anyway, in the middle of this, she gets a phone call about her favorite uncle (mine too) is very ill. She says she'll call back. Well, I'm upset over that and know she will need someone so my mom comes to watch the kids and I take off for her place. Well, I get there and she isnt there. I called on her cell, angry because I thought she had lied to me. Well, she answers the phone and says she is almost to my place, that she didnt want to be alone during this. So I headed back.

We talked some more over the next several hours, with me still pressing for an immediate resolution to the OM issue. It ends at midnight angily, with my WW leaving and me basically saying that if OM is not out of the picture, then it is over.

All indications I have had is that he has just been a friend, no PA over the last month at least. Could be wrong though. Anyway, two weeks ago, when thethaw started, he had told her to go get her head on straight because she had begun talking about missing me and the family. So, if this is all true, then I screwed up big time.

The next day, I wrote a long letter to her, and then to OM, stating that I have tried my best over the last year to save the marriage, but my WW just wont do the right thing. I told her I am serving the divorce/custody paperwork next week, and that all communication has ended between us, that is unless she is prepared to talk about reconciliation.

What an idiot I was! I got scared and started putting rounds down range. If I had just held my fire, I would have noticed that she was making tentative steps to surrender. I could have had it all if I just shut up. But when she started in on me, stating my faults and she didnt know if I could change, plus the counselor starting me up, it just set me wound up again and I believe I screwed up...possibly for the last time.

You see, after OM got my letter, he called my WW. She said he was "wonderful," stating that she should do whatever she thought was right, that he would walk away quietly if she told him so. They supposedly had atwo hour conversation over this.

Anyway, while that was going on, I had calmed down on Thursday and realized my error. But, the divorce/custody paperwork was already going downrange, and I had told both of them that I was done. I couldnt back down now. Plus, I was getting this sick feeling that I have screwed up one time to many (LB). That just when she was finally getting it and trying to take babysteps back, I screwed up. And now, who knows what the OM told her? Maybe what he said, plus my LBing, sealed our fate. Maybe she sees no hope now.

I wrote her one last letter, telling her that I finally see some of my problems. My impatience and "bulldozing" as she says it. That I try to get my way, without regards to her feelings. Added to the fact, Thursday, I finally realized how the kids and I kind of threaten her school. She has not had any of them here over the last 1 1/2 of nursing school. She is in the top of her class. So, with 8 months left, she is always saying "I dont have time to deal with this...dont have theenergy to deal with this...I have to concentrate on school." I believe part of the problem, besides my inability to sit still and let things happen and to just listen, is that she is not going to let anything get in the way of her school. Last Sat, we had a great time as a family, and between her and I. But, I was supposed to help her with typing a paper. Well, we got so caught up in the kids, movies, dinner, laying on the couch together, etc, that it didnt get done. She said the OM has supported her school. I asked how? She said he does nothing. What she means is that he doesnt demand time from her. That when she has something to do, he pushes her to do it. Me and the kids, well...we demand time and attention. Under normal circumstances, it would be hard for her. In our current state, it makes it incredibly stressful on her.

To be honest, I think she thought before two weeks ago that she could continue the status quo until graduation in June and then deal with this. Date the OM when she had time, keep family life to a minimum, and then deal with the whole mess next summer. That being either go full time with OM and push for divorce, or as of late, she started seeing her family life again and thinking she wanted it. Over the last two weeks, she started talking about being home "soon." Of course, I got impatient and forced the issue.

Anyway, I sent this last letter to her outlining one final plan. That with school, we would keep her apartment as she finished up, and as we slowly worked on us. That if she could help find some common ground of time spent with me and the kids, time working on the marriage, that I would support her financially and otherwise until graduation. But in this, we would have to find the way for her to say goodbye to the OM. I gave the letter to her last night as I dropped off the kids at her place.

Today, she drops them back off to me on the way to work. She is upbeat, talking about the kids and all of that. I asked her if she read the letter and she said she did. I asked about the proposal. She said "The proposal...or the letter?" What she meant was that I have written a bunch of letters, but she says she doesnt see the changes (although last week she said she did). So, to her, it is just a letter without action. In the letter, I said that I would abide by the letter I sent her and OM, with me not calling, talking, etc and me moving on, unless she decided to stop all of it. But, if she would help me find common ground, that I would be willing to do something. I told her to take the weekend to think about it.

Oh, I forgot, yesterday, she had called our mutual friend (before I wrote this last letter) telling her that she couldnt believe I was so impatient, that I just couldnt leave well enough alone. She said that I knew she was somewhat suicidal the week before about everthing she had done and where she was, but I still had to press. Our friend reiterated the fact that both of us are so close, if we could just find some common ground.
Anyway, the discussion this morning outside my house was her saying that it was just a letter without action. That she didnt believe that I could change. That she was going to call me "Taz" for the Tazmania Devil because everytime I hear something I dont like, I go off in a destructive tangent. There is some validity to this.

Anyway, I asked her what that meant. Was she willing to try again...to try my proposal? She said we have tried a lot of times (I hated hearing that...sounded like her giving up, I think). I asked her what she wanted to do. She stated she wasnt saying anything, that she didnt want me going off in EITHER direction because of what she would say. So, I asked what now. She said "I'm going to work."

So, Mortarman has made probably his biggest error of all and may have cost me my marriage, my family...my happiness. We have been so close the last two weeks. For the first time in all of this, she has said and showed that she wants to come home. And I blew it.

I do not know what to do now. I probably made OM look great in all of this, and she probably will be with him tonight. Who knows? Last week at this time, we are talking about moving her home and buying furniture. now, she says do whatever, I will never change...and I probably ended the marriage for good.

I said in the letter to her and OM that I would have no more contact (Plan B). But Plan A was working sooooo well, just a week ago. But since I LBed, plus made demands, I feel I guess that I have to follow through now. Let the paperwork go through (when she gets it and she sees I am looking for full custody...MAJOR LB!!). Dont call or contact her. Let her go on.

Does anyone think that she will be able to get over this latest screw up by me and get back to last week, or is my WW now thinking that although she wants all of this (me, family, etc), that it looks pretty much hopeless? What do I do now? Plan A aint gonna work unless she is going to want to try again. Plan B, with divorce paperwork, may not work because she may feel that she did her all, and now it is finally time to call it quits.

I cannot believe I was this damn close, only to screw it up. Somebody please help me find a battle plan here quickly. I hope it is not too late, for I may have failed myself, my kids, and even my WW.

Unless there is someone out there with a good answer to this, I think only God can save us now!

Well I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but I'm sure that she will welcome the break from you.

You just validated all of her reasons for leaving. It can take years for the marriage to fall apart to this point, then just cuz you had 2 good weeks she's supposed to just jump right back in. Not only that, but you dumped all kinds of pressure on her.

If I were you, I'd give her a break. Step back. And try again in a month or so. And next time don't think that a couple good weeks gives you the right to push.

just my opinion.

Thanks Lexxxy...I know I deserve that! And Damn...you are right. It just has been so hard to live under this seige of the last year, and my kids are really starting to feel the pinch.

I am just worried whether I have pushed too hard right when it was going to happen and caused it to screw up permanently. And whether the divorce/custody paperwork showing up next week will just push her into that corner permanently.

I am so tired of this. I just dont know how much strength I have to go back. I know I pushed too hard too soon. I wish I could take Monday night back. But how do I make her know this (I have told her...but I dont think she believes it). Or, is it too late?

MM --

I'd put it on hold if you can. I don't recall if there was some deeper reasons for filing, but if its not absolutely neccessary then pause it!

Can you somehow apologize for the pressure and "selfish demands"?

I think that you're very insightful on how OM supports her schooling -- and how you and the kids can be an unintentional drain.

It sounds horrible to people that school is important to her, and that spending family time is building resentment. But I feel some parity with your wife -- I also got married young and became a mom, I feel like I put aside everything I wanted for the benefit of everyone else. And so when that "taker" comes out its a monster.

Its a horrible place to be in, when you get criticized and called selfish for trying to reclaim a piece of yourself. Everyone wants so much of you, and there's only so much to give.

So MM, I guess its your turn to balance everyone's needs. I'm guessing that your wife usually managed that task. And basically she dumped it and said ok, now its MY turn to get my needs met.

I haven't kept up totally with your situation. I don't seem to have as much time for MB as I used to. I hope some of this helps. It sounds to me like your marriage very much has a chance. Just take a deep breath and stop trying to make it happen NOW. Take it easy.

Try to repair the LB's from the last few days.

Thanks Lexxxy.

I left a message on her phone already saying I am sorry for the pressure.

The paperwork has already been filed on Friday. Dont know if I can stop it. If it does reach her, how can I make her realize that we can pull it all back.

I am not sure how to make up for the last few days. I guess the OM came out of this looking pretty good, with me screwing up everything from the last two weeks and "validating" her feelings, as you said.

I guess I will just shut up and pray that she will settle down, calm down, and see what she has been seeing. I just wish she could see that I am under a lot of pressure and emotional strain and that I make mistakes. But she wants to take my mistakes during these trying times and say they are character flaws.

I guess it is time to just shut up and pray the good Lord will bring her back to the table.

So -- your wife leaves you to go live with another man and is happy to travel back and forth between you and her boyfriend, until you finally have enough and tell her you cannot tolerate living like this -- and YOU are the guilty party??

It is terrible to read you blaming yourself for "ruining your marriage." You bent yourself into a pretzel for her and sucked up unimaginable amounts of humilation while she was off having sex with her boyfriend -- and YOU are to blame for "messing things up??"

Sure, you can take whatever responsibility is yours for the state of your marriage. But no matter how bad it was, the LAST thing that was going to make it better was for her to go out and get a boyfriend, and then visit you at home when it's fun and convenient, and then expect you to wait around while she makes up her mind, and then get all upset (poor thing) when you simply cannot stand living like this.

NOTHING justifies her going out and screwing some other man and expecting you to sit back and wait. If your treatment of her was that bad -- and maybe it was, I don't know -- then she should have packed up and left and either asked you to go with her for some serious counseling or started the divorce proceedings herself.

But she didn't do that. All she could think of to make herself feel better was to go out and sleep with some other man, and she now has you believing that her inexcusable choice was all YOUR fault.

Whatever you might have done to her, she chose the absolute worse possible way to handle it. Maybe you could send her a short, polite "Plan B" letter, telling her that nobody gets to have both a family *and* an OP, and that if she wants to dump the boyfriend that she and her *husband* can then start doing some serious work on their marriage.

And this time, don't let her come back while she's still sitting on the fence with her nice big piece of cake.

I know others here won't agree. I just hate to see you taking the blame for this. No matter what you did, you were trying to work it out with her. *SHE* was the one who chose to deal with her problems by having sex with another man. Sorry, she gets NO sympathy from me. There is nothing that's going to make that somehow excusable, justifiable, or understandable.

Psycho_B***h