Hello everyone and bear hugs to all of you.

I'm still here to tell my story. Was hoping I would have graduated by now...but I think I keep fouling up the homework instructions, don't I? Have faith, I really do know what I should be doing. Sometimes, in the throes of battle, you lose sight of the goal. However, after my milestone visit, I think I'm starting to really get it and feel the "getting it" part. Yesterday morning, H came over early. Ignored him politely. Didn't want to look at him. He, on the other hand, is trying to be slippery nice. "Can you pls do D's hair for church before you leave? You know I can't do it right. D, let mommy do your hair...she's great at it...etc. " (GAG). I said nothing. Did her hair and left.

Pier 1 sale took longer than expected. Called H's cell phone. H sounded phony and happy...I just mentioned I was checking in and would take a little longer and assumed it was fine.

Arrived home and had loads to unpack but didn't want to do that in front of H. Came in and said to D, Okay, say goodbye to Dad. He's got to go now...he left. About a half hour later, he called. I answered, "What's the scoop...?" He mentioned that he had found D's barette...I breezed. Said great and hung up. This was about 4:00. He calls again. Starts to rant about me hanging up too soon...I hang up. Don't want to hear it. Calls again. I hang up again.

Fifteen minutes I get two emails. The first, asking me if "I'm happy now? Do you think I liked seeing you so hurt at the apartment? etc. etc. Why did you take the picture down of us and D? Is that good for D?" (I had taken a picture down of the two of us and D in the office area.) Actually, I'm taking everything down and replacing it but only last week, he was asking why everything was still up.... The second email...I had created an illusion that I had gone out after he left on Friday night and had my mother come up to watch D. Well, in this email, he asks how my mother got home because he's not worried about where I went but how my mother got home...since he knows how irresponsible I am...would have probably sent her home in a cab...yeah, that's me alright...irresponsible.

This morning he sends me an email re:not loving him enough so he had no choice. I responded with three words, "Yes, you're right."

Tonight's update...get home at 6:30. No D. No H.(Usual time they are expected) 7:30. Same thing. 7:35, I call H's cell phone. I remind that he must tell me where he's at...I've told him 100 times that as long as he TELLS me, I'll feel better. He casually mentions that they're still at his mother's...I could have just called there if I was worried??!! (Just two weeks ago, he had warned me not to call my MIL's looking for him!!). I call my MIL. Angry. Telling her that he must remember to call. She mysteriously shakes it off. Okay, am I overreacting? Just tell me. D and H get home. D tells me that EVERYONE is at Grandma's...I look at H. He has this guilty look on his face. Weakly smiles. "My mother had the turkey dinner tonight with the family...". They LIED to me. Oh my God. I couldn't believe it.

I told him to get out. No tears. Just to get out.

I called my MIL again. My FIL answered. I know he's mad. I asked him why he lied...

They're still angry about Thanksgiving and how I ruined it...

Well, that's my update.

BR, Good to hear from you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't tell you how many times I told myself it was over. It wasn't. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read your painful story. I noted one significant difference. Your H kept wanting to come back. My H has yet to want to turn his head around in my direction. I really believe that the only way this story is going to have an end is if I act as if I truly get it. Quite honestly, I don't think I'm acting anymore.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your husband has gotten comfortable feeling like a victim (so he doesn't have to take responsibility). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely true. He is definitely painting a picture of himself as a victim. Nothing I do will change his course right now. I believe that with my whole heart. He's gone. And he doesn't appear scared. VERY angry...but determined, convinced...knows what he must do. And I must assume the same stance.

The only thing I can and should do is accept the path and where it will inevitably lead. I'm going to schedule something with Steve after Halloween.

Honestly, I don't think I'm ready for gift giving. It's not in my heart and he knows it but I will run it by Steve.

Honestly BR, I'm not so sure it's bluff anymore.

Hi Honey, Thanks for checking in...you're really good with the gifts. I'm just not there yet.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HE IS LIVING THERE ALONE.. be grateful T.
It could be with an ow. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In heart, he's there with the OW.

Honey, He knows I love him. Told a friend recently but it's too late for him...told her that too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know the devestation of seeing your h's place. At least you didn't break anything! I got angry and nuts! I really lost it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I lost it inside...in a big way.

I really don't think I have it in me anymore.

Hi Topie, I've definitely said time and time again that this is all his doing...but I really don't think he believes it. He really blames me over and OVER...

Hello Ark,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry for your pain... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank-you. It really is painful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Interesting that this man who wants to be away from you..and daughter...because regardless of how he manipulates his actions in his head..this is what he has chosen....has done nothing in his surroundings to make it comfortable or warm for his daughter... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honestly Ark, I believe he doesn't want to destroy our daughter. If she sees where he lives, it could hurt her deeply. That's the only reason he's not making anything warm and comfortable. That's my true belief TODAY.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And again because this man has yet to process any of this with any other emotion than action than anger...this is far from over...cause in reality nothing has even begun...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This I believe or better yet, I hold on to...

Lots of Love

Terrified,
I think this is a great post and his responses are rather amusing....(OK not to you)...

You did great...time to be upbeat and babble back...

Sure i'll do daughters hair...but make sure you pay attention to how it's done...won't always be here to do it you know perhaps you should take some lessons at local salon on little girls hair-doos

Okay, say goodbye to Dad. He's got to go now..PERFECT!!! and what's he do? calls and calls and calls...obviously he has nothing better to do on sunday eve then harrass you....

Don't let him bait you..when he starts "to rant about me hanging up too soon".....say oh i am sorry didn't know you had anything else (nice) to say...anyways gotta go...I'm a little busy...I am right in the middle of talking to a friend of mine on the computer...talk later...

The first, asking me if "I'm happy now? Do you think I liked seeing you so hurt at the apartment? etc. etc. Say well I kind of think you do like seeing me hurt..you're so darn good at it...

he asks how my mother got home because he's not worried about where I went but how my mother got home...since he knows how irresponsible I am...would have probably sent her home in a cab...yeah, that's me alright...irresponsible.
Tell him no silly I bought her rollerblades and had a big german shepard pull her home...she only fell twice... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Honestly Ark, I believe he doesn't want to destroy our daughter. If she sees where he lives, it could hurt her deeply. That's the only reason he's not making anything warm and comfortable. That's my true belief TODAY.

I believe that as well of him but the reality is that he already has hurt her....he abandoned her...and you must learn to believe that you are not responsible for his action of leaving no matter who much he tells you differently...and that he needs to face his actions...He holds this grossly unrealistic view that he can abandon his family and there be no effects on anyone...and in a way holds all family members hostage in protecting his good dad image...news flash...good dads don't walk out on their children...

Why not say to him in a few days...well now that I know where you live...what day would be good to bring daughter over...she probably would love to see where you live..I'm sure once you file and all that you realize visitation does not just mean at my house...feel him out on how he visualizes this whole thing....he talks and threatens it...but what's his plan??? And I ASSUME that Monday came and went without him filing...big plans last Friday to do so...now what just more empty threats....(And this is HARD and am not advocating you daughter as a pawn or playing card in this...)...he holds himself seperate from his actions ands that may cause more pain and damage in the long run.

You did great...if you can't engage in an upbeat way then cut the interactions short...but keep them as pleasant as you can or he will use them against you..
set limits and even call him on his inconsistanincies without power struggling...

I'm so confused here ...last week you ask why I havent' taken down pictures of us ...this week you call me just to ask...

last week you tell me not to call at your moms looking for me...this week you tell me i should just call...

just asking for some clarification here as I hate to see you get so upset with me...and i am getting really tired of you believing you can yell at me all the time...I am a grown woman growing tired of being yelled at....so would appreciate it if you would stop it...

Terrified turn his behavior and actions back at him ...each time he thrusts them at you...

Take daughter to inlaws to see in her in costume without him...

Remember the opposite of not loving/caring is apathy not anger, and tantrums....those speak of someone very emotionally involved in all of this....

Has he finsished working on his dopey costume yet...would love to see a picture of him in it...

ARK

Terri,
I'm not sure about buying gifts/glassware/towels but I think giving him some of your towels (not new), blankets, cookware/pans (if you have some that's rickety & worn, thats fine) PICTURES (make copies if you want all of them, but use the old frames & pics to give him).

I think, box the stuff up, make a call to tell him you are dropping something off for him. Ring the bell, wait for him to open the door, say "this is for you" and walk away. Only stop walking if he makes a real, and NICE, effort to speak to you.

My H bought dishes, glasses, candles, some furniture, appliances the things he wanted and some that his so-helpful <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> co-workers gave him, but the rest came from our home.

There's nothing wrong with hanging the family pics in your daughter's room. Both my daughters have pictures of family groupings, H & me, or just H in their room at times if they want them. The younger especially likes one from when H & I were dating and we've been swimming and are hugging.

So, now you know that the MIL who begged you to be civil isn't the least bit civil, or honest, herself. I'm sorry. But, parents do often side even with the most at-fault child. Remain cordial, polite, you can be politely surprised about the dinner "I thought we were going to be civil?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (yes, it bugs me she said that to you and acts this way!), but let it go....

Alienating your in-laws won't help and you will be dealing with them intimately while your daugher is young and continually for the rest of your life. And, maybe MIL's guilt over her duplicity might work in your favor at some future point.

Oh and regarding costumes, oh for the princess days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...my 14 year old wants to be the PBS painting guy with the afro (Bob Ross? Art Bell? 2 short names I can't quite remember the name this am.)

Ark's posts are GREAT!

And please note the MOST IMPORTANT PART: all interactions must be pleasant or cut them short!!!!!!!!

He calls to yell about you hanging up? Say "what else did you want honey?" BE SWEET! BE NICE!
BE HAPPY!

Is it possible to have a visitation contract up and running? It's really burning my butt, the way your H is so nonchalantly dealing with his visitations with Jenna. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I believe, that your anger towards your H not calling after one hour had passed from the usual drop off time was over just that - that one hour had passed and there was no call. That was totally disrespectful of him, to say the least. And it's a VERY touchy subject to me, as I'm STILL having issues with that with my H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So, terri, how about it? What's happening with a legal visitation schedule? (legal, IMO, would be something that your H agrees to IN WRITING as well).

Karen