So here is where I am today. WH won't change. I know I can't make him change. He won't accept responsibility for his behavior, won't even acknowledge ongoing behavior, won't sever ties with those with whom WH was sexually active, and yet says he wants the M and me and the whole bit. I am at the point where I am trying very hard to learn to live with myself for staying with a man who lies behind my back, who isn't the kind of companion I want in the most significant relationship of my life. I thought for a long time this had something to do with wanting the best for the children. But the reality is, I am not as good of a mother to the children because of my marriage. I am spent. I have little energy to deal with their problems, even their homework, to hear about their needs, their concerns. And for this I feel a lot of GUILT. I know I need to be there for them, but I just don't have it in me anymore. So here's the question, why couldn't I leave? Why didn't I follow through with the D I planned several months ago? Am I a coward, a romantic, unrealistic? And where do I go from here?

Thanks for listening.

Hi As good as it gets. I see we registered on mb around the same time.
I'm sending some hugs because it sounds like you need them. Hugs))). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I really don't have a lot to say to you, I'm kindof at the same point myself, so I do understand what you are saying.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been trying forever to do a quote, and I can't <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> If this worked it should say here Quote: But the reality of it is I am not as good of a mother to the children because of the marriage..
(If it worked it will now say it twice, if it didn't your whole paragraph applies!!)
Ditto here!! And I often hate myself for my weakness, why haven't I left, am I so weak???
I'm sorry I have no advise to give, I sure wish I
did. I'm bumping this so hopefully someone wise with advise will chime in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
In truth I don't think you are a coward nor unrealistic. I think staying can be a lot harder than leaving!!
heartsore.

Bugg@r!!! Still can't do quotes!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

AGAIG: I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time ((((((((( A )))))))))

Are you an Oprah fan? I've been re-addicted to her show since joining MB (I think it started as a Dr. Phil thing). ANYWAYS... one of the issues she and the dr. stress about being a mother, is that it is OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO LOOK AFTER OURSELVES. Because, if we aren't in good shape (physically and/or emotionally), then we cannot look after our families the way we want to.

Now, I ask you... when is the last time you've done something just for you? (it doesn't matter how big or how small, as long as it's something that was for you and only you and isn't necessarily considered to be an everyday necessity - long hot bubble baths excluded <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

Karen

Thanks, Heartsore and Topie,

The hugs were much appreciated. The MB forum has always been a great resource and comfort to me, and I await the day when I feel I have been through enough to be able to pass on helpful info to others. I try, but I don't post much these days because, quite frankly, I don't feel too much of a success in the marriage dept these days.

Your joint advice was good. First off, I think it is much harder to stay in there and fight, or at least be a good example and hang in there for the hopes that someday things will take a turn for the better because the light may dawn on WS. There are times when the hugs from the children and the little pleasures like those make staying in the marriage worthwhile. At least for the moment. As for taking care of myself, I think this is a key, too. I haven't watched Oprah for awhile but I have heard of Dr. Phil, of course, and I think it only makes sense that we, as SAHMs, have to refill our own selves before we can be expected to give to others, even our own children, let alone our spouses. This is where I bump into a wall. I think that my self-esteem has taken enough of a beating from WH that I almost can't even envision myself successfully leaving my M. My sister recently wrote to me that I am not the person I used to be, so capable and confident. That bothers me. I would like to think I could be that person again. And perhaps even WH would like that person even more than the person I am today, though I have to get out of the habit of defining myself by who WH thinks I am.

Well, thanks for the hugs and good thoughts. And if you ever do get the quote thing figured out, heartsore, let me know, because I haven't figured it out either!!

You never did answer my question. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I don't do enough for myself either. This Friday evening is a big thing for me. Nothing special... just getting my hair cut. But I've decided to go SHORT! AUGH!!! hehehe. I've had some fun with one of those makeover programs on the pc, and have come up with some good looks for me.

I also started getting into crafts again. That was something I used to do all the time, before I met my H. That and jigsaw puzzles came to a halt when Andrew came along. Now, with 3 boys to tend to, I thought it would be near impossible to start up again. I was wrong! Okay, so I haven't dared try and do a puzzle, as I prefer the 1000 piece and up ones, and can't get it done in one night (and the puzzle pieces are all bite size for the boys! LOL). But I have gotten into crafts again. Painting ceramics. That's what everyone in our family is getting for xmas this year. Something painted, something personalized, something with MY name on it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Next week, I'm getting some fillings put in as my gift to me. Sad, isn't it? I'm going to the DENTIST for FUN!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Well, at least it IS a break from the kids for a couple of hours.

So again I ask, what have YOU done for yourself lately? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Hey as good as it gets, I'll get the quote thing
right if it is the last thing I do! I am nothing if not persistant! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Ok, now that I've worked out quoting doesn't happen as if by magic, you have to cut and paste, and I've never quite worked that out, I'll do my quote by hand, for now.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My sister wrote to me recently that I am not the person I used to be capable and confident.. You keep taking the words right out of my mouth.. I think insecurity and low self esteem are the main causes of this. For the life of me I can't figure out how the ow can do this too me. She keeps popping up where I least expect her too, and it's makes it very hard to make her go away. (I mean out of my head) We have
been in a pretty good recovery for nearly 2 years now, and h has had no contact (fingers crossed).
He says he has not seen/heard from her but you know how it goes, you never can be too sure.
And.. despite being nearly 2 years into recovery I have not forgiven her, and still hate her with a passion! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But thats another story.
You "sound" a little happier as good as it gets, and thats a good thing.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Do you know how to practice positive affirmations? Click on this link:

affirmation samples

I have found affirmations to be helpful during those times of doubt and darkness.

Lift your own spirits .... this is a useful thing to be able to master. Teach your kids how to lift their own spirits once you have mastered this yourself.

If you see a hole in the ground ... walk around it. Your husband is having his problems ... but, you do not have to adopt his attitude or his indecisions .... you are allowed to thrive, even if he is floundering for awhile.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ October 16, 2002, 09:54 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hi Topie, Heartsore and Pepperband,
Thanks for the replies. I did take a bath today (something for ME), Karen, so thanks for that advice. It did put me in better spirits. As for going to the dentist, well, you do need to take care of yourself, but treating yourself should be better than a trip to the dentist! Thanks, heartsore, for the pointers. I am glad you and your H are doing well in recovery. These stories really give me strength, even to know that there are still struggles in recovery, but to know that you can work through all of that.

And thanks, Pepperband, for pointing out the power of affimation, and I thought it wise when you mentioned how important it is to be able to lift one's own spirits. I usually find that when I get out and help someone else, that raises my spirits. I will check out the link now.

I know for myself that it seems that my cup is nearly drained. It has been two years now that I have been dealing with these issues with my WH. Things have been slow in evolving, even in terms of my understanding the full nature of my H's other life, his other relationships.

I was thinking today of how lonely I have become. I have tried very hard to put my H out of my heart. I think I have to be patient now to see where and when things can take a turn for the better.

In the meantime, to be able to survive, I have to find a way to regain strength, for myself, for my children. MB has been great for me. So thanks for all your comments.

Dear All,

I bet if you took a poll you would be surprised. I can't believe i do what i do, put up with what i put up with and in general feel like crap for it. I have tried plan a for so long, and seem to be unable to go to plan b. which my head tells me should have happened about 8 months ago. And now, well, i am sure you all feel the same.
hugs s

Dear Notagain2002(and Hanora!!),

Sounds like we are in the same place. I know I have gotten a lot of strength from reading posts of those who have moved on. I know this forum is a place for marriage building, which I do believe in. I guess sometimes "something" needs to happen to get us to see things for what they are and move on. I don't know if I am not able to see things clearly, if I lack the courage, if I am just plain stubborn or stupid. The one thing is that WH does seem to genuinely care that I am so unhappy about things, and despite the lying behind my back, wants things to be better for us. It may just be that he wants the best of both worlds for himself, I don't know. But he has finally consented now to MC, so I am in the process of making a new appt in our new area. Thanks for the post, and you take care.

Hanora!!!!

Thanks for the post, it got lost somewhere, but you mentioned the NARTH website, which I had forgotten about. (remembered it, not the name) Thanks for always keeping in touch. The kids are adjusting quite well, though the schools are academically much more rigorous than what we were used to. This is not a bad thing at all, so the kids are stretching themselves. Sometimes they are a bit discouraged, but they are making friends and they'll be ok. As for me, I am becoming a bit of a recluse. I don't even answer the phone anymore. I think I need someone to talk to, so I am making an appt for the IC/MC. I think I'll go myself first. In the back of my mind I think my H thinks he has it pretty bad with this wacky W. He just doesn't put 2 and 2 together to realize what his behavior has cost me. Isn't that strange?

Take care

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 10:02 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hi Hanora, Thanks for being there, as always. I'll start with your concerns. The funny thing about the recluse issue is that it comes and goes. For the most part, I can get out (with the toddler) and do the shopping and the errands and all that. This is where I feel supremely dishonest, because how dare I have a life when it is such a sham? I can be friendly with the cashier and all that. I can hug and love my children. WH is travelling a lot on business these days, setting up shop, so to speak, in the new locale, and that's fine with me. I am better off when he is gone. I feel very sad when he is due to come home. I wonder about that one. What that says, what it means. Besides the obvious.

I just don't want to take the time to really talk to many people. This is one of my few outlets, and even this is rare, because we aren't hooked up yet for internet at the new house, so I have to go to the library.

Where this bothers me, as I've said before, is that I am less of a mother than I should be because of all these concerns. My mind is so pre-occupied that I am short of temper. And, quite frankly, I don't want to be bothered. I feel guilty feeling that way. All in all, I end up being the "bad guy."

I think the C will be a good thing, and I do need to find a good doctor in my new area because I should be tested again. I worry about that a bit, though I figure sometimes, what does it matter.

I thought this would be a difficult transition, but I do have some trusted friends to talk to, who are supportive of my seeking help, even WH. Though, like I said, he doesn't understand what my issues are. Like he has always said, and he must somehow actually believe, I should be happy with whatever I have of him, forget about what he does when I'm not around.

Who wants that?

Still, you are right. I should be patient and wait until my ducks are in a row. Most importantly, acquire some further education so that I can provide for myself. Back to the D issue. It seems the only outlet, other than more unacceptable ones.

It is true, suicide is not about not wanting to live, it is about stopping the pain. I really understand that now in a way I didn't before.

Well, thanks for listening, and all the best to you.

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

I am so still in your shoes. I hope to goodness sake i can follow through with something before i lose all respect for myself.

Best of luck to you.

Hi Hanora and Notgoing, Thanks for the positive feedback, Hanora. You are always good for a boost. I am intrigued by the digital camera interest. Sounds fun and way past techno-deficient me. Feeling stronger today. I hope the C thing goes well and will keep you posted. Still and all, at the back of my mind is the idea that I am just kidding myself about the meaningful life issues. Sure, it is real. Some of those investments in terms of time and relationships, esp with my children, are worthwhile and well-invested. I really wonder about WH. I am probably just wasting my time with him, in terms of any hope for a meaningful relationship.

Notgoing, I am sorry you are so able to identify with my situation and grief. I feel for you. I am sure self-respect has a lot to do with it. As a close friend told me recently, a person of lesser character than I (and probably you) would have left the relationship long ago. The thing is, there is so much to weigh and consider. A past with someone is not something to throw away quickly or easily or to take lightly. You probably feel like me that one of the biggest obstacles is trusting yourself in terms of your own perspective. Are you really seeing things correctly? Are you over-reacting? Not that their opinion matters, because you need to do what is right for you, but what do others think of the sitation? (and by that I mean people who care about you and want you to be happy, not just the man on the street). Again, this goes to the issue of perspective. I have found MB to be a great place for this.

Good luck and take care.

I'll keep in touch, Hanora. Thanks.

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 10:05 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>