My friends and family mostly believe that once a cheater always a cheater is a true fact and my H seems to have proven that so far. Is that true even when the cheater wants to change? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Nope not true.

Studies of less than 1000 participants seem to show that about 45% of all men and women have at least one affair in their lifetime. Affairs occur in about 60% of all marriages.

However, a study with about 5000 participants showed that about 14% of women cheat and about 24% of men cheat. The reason given for this difference is that the smaller studies are not selecting thier participants randomly.

Another thing they showed was that only about 10-20% of cheaters are repeat cheaters.

So there is very good reason to recover from an affair. If your husband is a repeat cheater, then there are some things to look at very closely.

What is his pattern?

I don't agree with once a cheater always a cheater. My belief that this is not true is one reason I am working very hard to restore my M with my FWW. She made a mistake, she regrets it, she still loves me and wants our marriage to last. I do too.

Having said that, if it happened again, thats it. She knows now what she did, how much she hurt not just me, but our kids, our families and our friends. She knows how she started down the road, then was led the rest of the way by the OM. There is no excuse for an affair, we all know that. However, mistakes happen. But if it happens again, it would not be a mistake.
Michael

Me 39
FWW 38
M 18
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC

I agree with Michael. As a FWW, I know that I could not, or would not ever cheat on my H again. If our M does not survive, I have learnt my lesson the hard way. The pain and devastation this has caused to my H and me, has shaken me to my very core. I would NEVER EVER, inflict this on someone else or wish it to be inflicted on me.

Lisa

Once a cheater, always a cheater IF THE A NEVER COMES TO LIGHT. That's a key point the surveys don't reveal. If the A is never brought out, then yes, people will continue cheating because they don't really realize the damage they are doing. But, if revealed, I agree with the other posters: It's a nasty burn and you're probably not going to mess with that iron again. I'm not.

Well, we were working on recovering from his last affair that happened 2 years ago when his last affair happened. It happened with a close friend of mine and had lied about it to our other mutual friends who sensed something amiss as well as me when questioned. I finally had enough of the deceit and investigated until I found the evidence from an intimate picture he saved on our home computer (stupid or what?) I threw him out that night and have been separated for 2 months now. He continues to assure me that he has changed but I still find he's trying to hide the details from me as evidence he still can't be honest when I ask. I'd love to believe him but I'm losing hope because I still don't see his actions have proven he's changed all that much. The dishonesty is the one thing that is keeping me from healing and even considering saving the marriage. He's begging me to seek couples counselling but I'm not sure if I can take his excuses even when given to a counsellor. I can't trust him anymore and he seems in a more desparate state even threatening suicide if he loses me forever. I'm in such a bind and his word and actions still leads me to believe that he is too selfish to understand my feelings because he is dealing not just with the loss of me but his home, his friends and my own family. What do you think of this situation? Is this happening because God's Will is that I have married the wrong man and I should end it? I can't even think of going through what I went through these past 2 years again in my lifetime. Maybe I should just be alone for the rest of my life. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

No, I don't believe it. Many people really do realize that they made a heinous mistake and are very, very sorry. My best friend had an A and she'd chew her own arm off before she ever cheated on her husband again. If it's more than one affair though I consider it a pattern, and I'd be done with the relationship.
If I were single I would also never consider dating someone who I knew had cheated on a previous spouse. It would just be too much of a chance to take. My sister's ex husband told her shortly into the relationship that he'd cheated on his first one. He claimed that he was sorry, knew he made a stupid mistake but he was young blah blah and learned his lesson. She was impressed with his honesty. He cheated on my sister too, 2 years into the marriage.

Not True!

I cheated. I will never cheat again. I rather die first than to ever cause that much pain to my or my H.

It will never happen again. I firmly believe that saying is BS!

I'm sure there are repeat offenders but I don't think there are as many as everyone thinks there are.

Zoey

Let me put another spin on this. What if you were dating someone who later turned out to be your spouse, and you knew this person was a cheater, because he was involved with someone when he met you. Even though that relationship was ending, he was officially still with her. Plus, you were involved with someone also, but that relationship was ending. Technically, you were both cheaters. You get married, and there's this issue of trust hanging over your heads. Should you feel that just because you're married the other spouse won't cheat? Should what happened prior to marriage play a part in the marriage?

I definitely believe that if your husband's cheated more than once in this marriage, especially with 2 different people, it's a pattern. It would be harder for me to forgive this, and I'd be more inclined to end the marriage.

There may be no excuse for cheating, but I know usually people do it for a reason. For those of us who have in one form or another, it was probably due to emotional needs not being met. I was guilty of an emotional affair, and I brought it to my husband's attention. I never slept with this OM, but felt just as bad about it. I needed my husband to notice me more, and because he didn't, I left myself open to other possibilities.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lost72:
<strong>Let me put another spin on this. What if you were dating someone who later turned out to be your spouse, and you knew this person was a cheater, because he was involved with someone when he met you. Even though that relationship was ending, he was officially still with her. Plus, you were involved with someone also, but that relationship was ending. Technically, you were both cheaters. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know, I can't even imagine it. Sounds to me like that sitution is built on a foundation of quicksand. Lies, secrets and betrayals are nothing to build on in my book. I've never had the stomach to be a cheater, even when I was in a horrible relationship and had lots of tempting opportunity. I knew I couldn't look myself in the mirror if I cheated, but I'd feel strong if I made a clean break and walked away alone. So that's what I did.
As far as being an OP - For as long as I can remember that idea has always been reprehensible to me. When I was hit on by attached guys I was always insulted that they figured I must be dumb enough to be their secret booty call. No thanks. If my husband had been in ANY WAY attached to another woman when we met the relationship would have ended the second I found out.
I should also add that I've seen how relationships like that can turn out. A good friend of mine married her former OM (she wasn't married, but cheating on her long time boyfriend). Since about a year after the weddint it's been an issue. Her husband totally doesn't trust her and is always suspicious. If they get in a fight he alwyas throws it in her face "I already know you're a cheater, so how can I trust you?"

<small>[ October 25, 2002, 01:16 PM: Message edited by: fairydust ]</small>

Well, yes, the relationship was definitely not built on trust, and I am big enough to admit we both married for the wrong reasons. We're here now, 5 years later, and trust is still and issue, especially for me. I can't blame it totally on the way we started out, but that is a factor. I don't trust ANYONE completely, let alone my husband. I don't sit up all day and wonder if he's cheating on me, though. It only drives you crazy. But I honestly believe that if a spouse has cheated on YOU more than once, the relationship can barely recover.

Eva,
It's impossible to make such a blanket assumption about all cheaters. Sure, some cheaters will never change becuase they are constitutionally incapable of being honest. On the other hand, we have cheaters who DO make dramatic changes if they have the capability to be honest and the willingness to change.

It sounds like your H did not have the willingness to change the last time around. IT sounds like he is sorry NOW, but probably sorry that he got caught. Only you know him and the situation, but if my H ever committed adultery again, I would have to conclude that he DID NOT CHANGE and wouldn't waste 2 seconds on him. There would be no third chance with me.