This one is not sitting well with me.

Deep week 8 of WW's EA/PA after 9 years of "nice" marriage. DDay was 3 weeks ago.

WW is almost 100% sure she wants to work on relationship. But she needs to "prepare" OM for the news. She's been with him for about twelve hours of talks over two nights with my watching the kids so far to prepare him.

In one sense this is good news for me - that she wants to come back. But the continuing contact is really effecting me. I was all set to go into plan B the night before she told me she was feeling unsure again about the other relationship, so I am that low on my stamina. Her long talks to prepare him have a severe depleting effect. At least when she felt sure about him, I could understand that more easily and mitigate the depletion. I know that my Plan A has been relatively short, but it's been very successful in terms of getting myself to a certain level in visible/voluntarily acknowledged ways. The fact that I was a very well-intentioned husband (heck, an intuitive Plan A was my plan from even before D-second) made Plan A results very easy to accept for her. In other words, Plan A seems to have achieved its goals, so further plan A would only be for waiting out the A.

Perhaps it would have been better if I didn't know what she was thinking and that she just surprised me with her decision to come back. But I've been trying to keep our thoughts as open as possible to each other to improve communication.

I am going to offer that she start the anti-depressants now since they do take time to kick in. I suppose a willingness in that area would reassure me that she is serious.

One paranoid concern I have is that she may be simply making plans to wait around until she is financially able to do exactly what she wants (about 1 year from now). Right now if I went to plan B, she would have a very hard time because of what I supply in terms of more practical ENs. Also the A would become very stressed. Anyway, two days ago she was so in the fog (rejecting years of faith, family, marriage, so resolved to be with OM, etc), that this sudden reversal is disconcerting. I'm concerned that she has gone so far that she'll rationalize any action (outright lying about her intentions) with regard to me now. On the other hand, the clarification on the ramifications (some of which she has just been avoiding thinking about) may have jolted her out of the fog a bit. However, she does tend to be the type to initially rebuff and then reconsider after some thought.

WW has never really expressed any real remorse for her actions. So the fear of her having her cake now, and eating it a year from now lingers. For now, she's got both.

My big question is whether it is a good idea to try and start working on the relationship given these circumstances. I'm pretty sure she'd agree with the no contact, MC, accepting support from friends/family. But without much LBing in the A and continuing priority for OM feelings in her actions/ words, I'm wondering if I'm messing up our long-term chances (and my own mental state) by agreeing to work on it at this stage. It would be much easier for me to just go to Plan B instead of self-destructing through this unassured state - but there is the slight risk of losing the chance to work it out. Would the additional jolt to clear more of the fog and increase my sanity be worth the LB effect of Plan B and risk of losing it all? FWIW, Plan B would have impact very quickly so I am aware that any implementation would be tainted by my desire to punish. Because we both know about the impact, I fear the LB effect would be greater. But the overriding reason (along with keeping me from going insane) would be to allow her to better understand (i.e. experience/feel) the ramifications instead of just thinking of them on WW's head.

Am I letting this effect me too much? Am I too willing to take her back no matter at what level of committment? I've been burned twice before due to her inability to handle her loss (also, I wasn't nearly as prepared to help her through it before). I want to have a certain level of assurance before taking her back, but I don't want to hand out ultimatums and whatnot. There is one specific letter than she has that I would really like to see destroyed in my presence - but she wasn't willing to give it up before. I could use specific examples on how to talk about this.

I should really set up an appointment with a Harley. Maybe someone will have cancelled and left an opening really soon.

<small>[ October 17, 2002, 04:39 AM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

There are some serious red flags going on here.
Your analysis makes sense. It is absolutely essential that the cheating spouse shows true remorse (which she has not); do things to make the betrayed spouse feel safe (like burning the letter which she has not) and above all complete and total no contact (a no contact letter which she has not done). The fact that you stay home while for the past two nights she is with the OM to prepare him is ridiculous. It really sounds like she is a cakewoman and playing you.
I would suggest counseling of course. It does seem from her history that she is not really serious at this time. The old saying of "No consequences to her behavior equals no motivation to change" sounds like it may apply here. It really is unbelievable that you allow here to spend nights with the OM to prepare him for the breakup. I would really be on guard. She is continuing to humiliate and disrespect you by doing this. I certainly would not take her word about anything at this point. You may wish to monitor her activities because it sounds like she may still be lying to you. I wish you luck.

Even though I agree, in theory, with Plan A, I have to say I disagree 100% with your wife saying she needs to prepare the OM for the breakup. Come on. She is married to you. He does not need nor deserve any preparation. A simple, "I am married and I am going to do whatever it takes to save my marriage" should be enough. It sounds like maybe your wife is not ready to work on the marriage. More than likely, she is negotiating with OM, not preparing him. Very politely and calmly tell her that she needs to commit to the marriage, and commmit to NC.
Michael

Me 39
FWW 38
M 18
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC

Your wife is not ready for authentic recovery, in my humble opinion. When the WS is ready .... they don't spend hours and hours talking to the OP in private. (sorry, again my opinion) If she was sincere about a concrete decision to return to the marriage .... yet, she felt the OP was unstable enough to require hours of a soft-soaping exit speech ... she might have invited YOU to go with her when she was giving the Op the facts about her 100% re-committment to her marriage. Why didn't she invite you to be with her to back her up?

Do not feel you are paranoid. You have every reason to be suspicious of her recent "offer".

I simply do not believe her. Let me tell you how I know my WH was "ready". He said, "I will do whatever it takes to make this marriage work." ..... And then, he followed his words with actions. He confessed to the OW's husband, to my parents, to his parents, to the priest.... He opened up his bank account, phone records, etc.

remember this...

"I will do whatever it takes to make this marriage work." ..... and then, doing it.

Watch your back. Plan A .... but don't buy this phoney recovery.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I see that people's thought on this are very consistent. So I know what I should expect for a decent chance of recovery. And at this point she is simply not ready. Thanks for that.

I guess my big question is.... What can I do? I am realizing that I can reject the recovery effort, but do I just continue A or switch to B? I could simply say that the continuing meetings are hurting me too much and so on.

I suppose I'll state firmly that she needs to commit to this marriage along with the NC. However, the overriding priority seems to be what makes her comfortable at the expense of my feelings. Hence my reasoning that she needs to feel consequences in order to change her motivation. Hence, Plan B. Any other more specific advice would be useful.

One interesting aspect about this is that WW does not lie outrightly. Though lie by omission or simply not answering is plentiful. So it makes discerning (at least guessing) the truth a bit easier.

<small>[ October 17, 2002, 08:52 AM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

EST:

My WH (although he still denies there's anything going on or ever was) told me that he wants to fix our relationship and he's sorry that I'm "upset" but doesn't see where he's done anything to cause it. States that he no longer has any contact with OW and hasn't for "weeks". Well his cell phone log still shows daily calls in and out (including yesterday), and he continues to call to say he's working late to finish this project (works 45 miles away so I can't go every night to check). But this is the same man who swears he NEVER made any calls to OW in the first place. Also stated when I found a receipt for dinner for 2 on a night I was visiting my mother states it was a coincidence yet he called our home at 10:35 pm from his cell phone --- I assume to check to see if I was there? Anyway, everything he's stated when I initially confronted he has changed the excuse. Says he will go to counseling if I make an appointment when his project is over. My counselor said not to make the appointment but to let him make it if he was truly serious. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Sees no reason why he can't have female friends or charge hotel rooms on "his card" if she happens to need a place to stay, or call to have conversation. Has other female numbers in organizer on strips of paper clearly in female handwriting, so I'm not sure if he involved with others as well. None are females that I know. I've been real tempted to call the OW and tell her hands off but then she would probably try to have charges of harrassment against me and would probably send him to her more so.

I'm no expert but I agree with the others. Your WW is not ready to re-commit to you or your marriage. KEEP your EYES WIDE OPEN! Good luck.