PLEASE, everyone, help me critique this letter to WH. I am doing this on Jennifer's advice and I think it's great advice, but I'm so afraid of getting it wrong. I have this awful gut feel that if this note doesn't do what it's supposed to do, I won't get another chance.
First of all, to explain the letter, I had my 2nd counseling session with Jennifer. Don't know why I waited so long.
In a nutshell, WH is back in the States on his month off, ignoring me, & possibly filing D. He returns to work & OW in 1 week. I meanwhile have been ignoring him. Sent 1 e-mail at beginning of his month off, got a frigid reply in return, responded nicely to him, and have heard nothing since. So I decided to return the favor. But I had this nagging feeling that I was doing something wrong - thus the appt with Jen. I was about ready to go to Plan B or maybe even Plan D.
Jen's advice - completely different than what i expected. She says to tell WH exactly how I feel. That I'm sad, missing our M. That I want our M to work, but we need a new kind of R. One based on MB principles. Then tell him what I've learned from MB and how I think this is a plan that can save our M. Tell him why I love him, and what I think our future holds.
Exactly the kinds of things I've been avoiding saying to him!!!! Wow - this is different.
Jennifer suggested doing this over the next week, in small installments. She said be sure to avoid LB's - try to limit MB talk about how I learned from it, instead of making it sound like I'm trying to educate him. And make sure he understands how I'm feeling.
Her reasoning? She thinks we're probably on verge of D anyway so what do I have to lose. Or maybe that's a little harsh - maybe not quite being on the verge, but more like making a lemming-style dash to the edge.
So I put together a note to WH. I would really really
really appreciate input on what I've written. Is there anything in here that he could take wrong? Is it too long? Should I break it up into smaller notes & send them out in installments over several days?
Please help me on this one - I feel like this is my last shot. I think WH is lost once he goes back to OW. He's either going to give up, or I will.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Husband -
I'm feeling awfully sad right now. It looks like it's over, and I keep hoping it's not. I want so badly for us to stay together. I see what we once had and what is still between us. And I want to cry for what we're about to throw away.
Today was another counseling session. Surprisingly, we talked about nothing but us. By the end of the session, my counselor was in tears.
You see, I have been quietly depressed for the past week or so. Not overtly so, with the crying and not eating or sleeping. But a quiet depression, where nothing seems fun any more and all the emotions are numb. That worried my counselor. So I think she was wanting to convince me to move on. She started off asking me why I would want to stay with you. What does he bring you, SH? she asked me. What do you have together?
I told her how you always know exactly what to say to me when I have problems or when I'm sad or angry. When 9-11 came this year, you called me because you knew how hard I would take it. When I had to quit the ERT, you understood why it pained me to leave my fellow firefighters - you understood the camaraderie & spirit between us. You're one of the few people who sees the soft side of me and accepts it and loves me more for it. You understand me like no one ever has. And I think I understand you in the same way.
I told her we connected. That we ended each other's sentences and spoke each other's thoughts. That we grew up in the same type of family, surrounded by the same beliefs and values. That we shared a common history and culture that went beyond being simply "American". That our core beliefs were so similar - love of family, love of country, strong work ethic, belief in something bigger than both of us.
I told her how we shared the same interests. In politics, in finances, in engineering. Travel and diving and backpacking. Love of the outdoors. Discussing interesting and stimulating topics, challenging each other intellectually, always wanting to learn more.
And I told her about how you'd flip my flipperdopper out of my eyes. Or call me a gink. And I'd melt inside because what you were really saying was, "I love you." I told her how you are the sexiest man I have ever met, that I get weak just thinking about you, that I have never had such unimaginably good sex in my life. And that once upon a time I heard fireworks and bells and felt electricity crackling through me every time you looked at me or touched me. I have never in my life swooned until I met you. But when you held me and kissed me, I would feel faint from the feelings you brought about in me.
When I finished she was in tears. She said, "do you realize how rare and precious a thing you two have? I have counseled so many couples, and it is extremely rare to find something so special between 2 people. You must hold onto this. This is true love."
I told her I knew that. That's why I'm fighting so hard. And that's also why I know we can succeed if we both work at it.
No, I don't want to go back to our old marriage. Neither one of us was happy. We did so many things to hurt each other and drain our love for each other. But I'm looking at a new kind of relationship. That's what I'm fighting for.
We can do it, Baby - I really believe it. I've talked to people who have been through hell like we have and have followed this plan to restore their marriages and have turned their lives into something remarkable. That's what I want. Not what we had for the past 5 years, but something better.
Even after everything we've done to each other. Even though we sometimes think we don't like or even love each other any more. Because I've finally come to realize that having a good marriage isn't something that just happens. It's not about following our instincts and letting love happen "naturally". Love, real long-lasting love, doesn't work that way. You have to care for it and nurture it over the years.
I look back at our life together and realize that we didn't take care of our love. We had such a powerful and stunning "in love" period that we thought we would never lose it. But that wasn't real love - that was only the first stage, the infatuation, before we started to see the warts and scars. The real love started to build over the years, as we committed to each other and learned about each other and made memories together.
We thought our love would last forever. But we didn't keep doing the things we should to make it last. Remember how we spent all our time together in the beginning, enjoying each other's company and doing things we both liked to do? Remember how we talked and talked for hours and never got bored? Then we started doing things separately - a little at a time, but eventually it became a lot. And I started travelling and working long hours, and we rarely saw each other or talked. And when we did talk, we would get impatient with each other if the subject wasn't what we wanted to talk about right then. If we didn't agree about something, I would usually get my way because I yelled louder or was more vocal. And you would get angry because I didn't realize it wasn't what you wanted or you didn't want to fight about it. Finally, we both started looking for something else, something outside our marriage. And we abandoned each other, left each other's needs completely unmet. Is it any wonder we fell out of love?
The amazing part is that I've re-discovered my love. Even after months and years of feeling like I was completely dead inside. And that realization makes me wonder if there could be something still left inside of you, too. When I talk to other people, I hear almost exactly the same stories from all of them. How they "fell out of love" with their spouses. How they "loved them but weren't in love with them". How they swore they would never feel the same again. Yet they did. And I have. And I believe we both can together.
So what I want to offer us is a new life. One that's based on a commitment to a new type of marriage. A marriage that's based on thoughtful actions, caring for each other's needs, protecting each other, working through our life choices together.
Oh, Baby, I see such a grand world out there waiting for us. I see us standing in the Bighorns, watching the sun rise. I see us diving in the Maldives. I see us curled up in bed together every night and waking up each morning together. And working together as a team, you on your computer, me at the books - talking and laughing and trying to make our business succeed. I want to explore the world together with you. I miss my friend and my lover and my husband.
I know you're afraid. You're afraid that it won't work. That I won't change, you won't change, it will be the same thing as before. But if we both commit to following this plan, and never forget what is at stake, I believe we can succeed.
I think you also fear that I can never forgive you. But that's part of the plan, isn't it? That what is in the past must remain in the past. Oh, Baby, how can I condemn you for things when I've made so many mistakes of my own? We can't bring up what you've done or what I've done. We need to follow the plan. And it has to be mutual.
So that's what I've been thinking about for the past few weeks. I've been grieving over the loss of our future. I want that so much. And I just wanted to let you know what I was thinking and to hear what you had to say about it.
I love you so much.
Love, SH </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
