Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#1034228 10/18/02 12:48 AM
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,863
C
Chorus Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,863
FWS and I are taking the tribe to visit my Mom for Xmas. Of course, our sitch is very hush-hush, especially around my 70+ mom with diabetes. Seems just after the A went PA for FWS, she visited my mom who told her how FWS was such a great DIL and good for me and how FWS had to swallow her pride a lot and do what was good for the marriage and so on and so on. It really sent a bug up my FWS's back. I wonder why? lol...
Anyway, telling Mom would probably trigger a heart attack. And would FWS like it? Most doubtful. So, falling back on the MB prinicpals, doesn't seem to be a good idea to talk to Mom about any of this. However, she's pretty good at picking up vibes, especially being a FBS herself.

Thoughts?

#1034229 10/18/02 12:54 AM
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
If you are in recovery, which you say you are...then what you do is practice the POJA.

What will your wife enthusiastically agree to?

#1034230 10/17/02 02:20 PM
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,863
C
Chorus Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,863
Umm... silence? lol. At this point, she'll go along with "we've had some problems" but would like to just skip that part since she worries about Mom's health, and she knows Mom would get worried and worked up and... well, you know the drill.

#1034231 10/17/02 02:26 PM
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
Well here's the kicker of POJA.

You both have to enthusiastically agree about what action to take. If either of you disagrees, then you do nothing until you are able to come to a negotiated solution that both of you are enthusiastic about.

Yep, its not so easy is it?

If the A was active, I'd say tell. But since you are in recovery, the rules of POJA say that you don't do anything until you both agree. And if she is unhappy about your mom being told at Christmas, so that solution is out.

Perhaps, if you really need to tell your Mom, you can negotiate a solution that involves telling at a later date when her health is better, and your relationship is better with your wife.

When my husband and I started recovery, he didn't want me to talk about it to anyone. Now he is ok with it, as long as I am not running around telling everyone. But with family members, as he said himself, "Well it happened, we shouldn't just ignore that!" He also is privy to whatever I say though, I never say something behind his back that I won't say in front of him. I think he's become resigned to being a MB guinea pig of sorts - especially when other MBrs call up for my take on a situation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tho honestly, does your Mom *NEED* to know?


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 191 guests, and 48 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
MillerStock, Mrs Duarte, Prime Rishta, jesse254, Kepler
71,946 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Happening again
by happyheart - 03/08/25 03:01 AM
My spouse is becoming religious
by BrainHurts - 02/20/25 11:51 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,622
Posts2,323,490
Members71,947
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5