My wife recently had an affaire with the doctor whom was treating her terminally ill father.We have been married over 15 years with children. she continued to lie about the details even after I found out.

How do I ever trust her again? should I?
I still don't know if I know the whole story

I want to punish this Doctor how?

walitys,

First of all welcome to MB, you are in the right place for support through this hard time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My wife recently had an affaire with the doctor whom was treating her terminally ill father.We have been married over 15 years with children. she continued to lie about the details even after I found out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First you have to ask yourself if you want to repair your M. If the answer is yes, believe me it can be repaired if both partners are willing to do their part. Most WS's will continue to lie about everything until they are absolutley backed in a corner, I know that is what I did as a FWS, even after my H found out. I figured the less details he knew the less hurt he would be. And even though my A was a selfish, hurtfull act I really never wanted to hurt my H.

I would urge you to read "His Needs, Her Needs" and also the book, "How to Behave, So Your Children Will, Too!". The first book will help you learn about what went wrong in your M as far as EN's not getting met. The second book I reccomended because you mentioned you have children, this book is great because even if you are already a good parent it will help. And I know even though my H and I decided not to tell our children about our A's, they still knew something was wrong. Right now almost a year into recovery we are trying to repair the damage we have done. When your life is affected by an A you will be surprised what things you will do and how those things will effect your kids. Either way it is a great information book no matter what age your children are.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do I ever trust her again? should I?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust takes time, it will be her actions that allow you to trust her again. When she is always where she says, always answers your calls, has no problem with being checked on(and after her being involved in an A she shouldn't), this is when you will start to build some of your trust in her back. Should you? That is a personal decision, will you chose to forgive her? Forgivness, is a big part of recovery, alot of us get stuck at that point, how to forgive. I always say fogivness is a decision. It doesn't mean you forget it just means "you chose" to no longer resent. Forgiving and recovery go hand in hand and can be a great thing as long as this issues that allowed the affair to happen in the first place are addressed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I still don't know if I know the whole story</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you ask this question you have to also ask yourself do you really want to know the whole story? Do you want to know the intimate details of your wife's A? Most men are very visual, my H definitely is, do you want the details of your W's A to play over and over again in your mind like a movie marathon? If you can take the details of your W's A and "get over them" so to speak, then ask away(you do have a right to know). My H wanted to know details of my A, and I wanted to know details of his A. The result he could not even look at me for a while, he didn't want SF either and when he did the "movie marathon" would begin and he would have problems if you know what I mean. My H still refuses to go near the part of the state where OM lives. He has problems when we watch movies that have a character in them with the same name as OM. As for me I was upset about the OW for a couple of months wouldn't go places they went together, wanted to flatten her tires etc. Then after our recovery started getting better I "got over it", I had more cofidence in my M and OW was no longer a threat. The OW doesn't bother me at all anymore. Ocasionally I think that I would like to run into her while we are together just so she could see how great we are doing(it is very noticable, we "glow" as a couple, you can tell we are in love). She at one point told my H and me we would never make it(she went through a fatal attraction stage, it wasn't a pretty site)So do you want to know everything? It just depends on you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to punish this Doctor how? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Revenge is not really worth it. The OM is not worth your time or effort. I know that you don't really want to hear that right now. Most of the men on this board, and my H seem to have difficulty letting go of the anger they have toward OM but it really is the best thing to do. Besides the best revenge is building a wonderful M with your wife. Good luck, and I hope you do decide to rebuild it is really worth it. What ever you decide though MB will be here for support.

DU

The truthful, yet hard to swallow answer, is that you cannot blame the OM (other man) for this A (affair). You too, are responsible for this event. WHAT?!?!?! That's what I thought too, when I first came here! But it's true... in the majority of cases.

In most M's where one (or both) spouses stray, and have an A, there have been problems leading up to that point. Both parties are 100% responsible for their 50% of the M. Does that make sense?

The urge to hurt this OM is understandable. I have had (and still do sometimes) those same urges towards OW#1. However, I have to let my logical side take over from my emotional side. The OP (other person) is merely a SYMPTOM of a troubled M, not the cause.

It is quite possible that you thought all was well in your M, and yet your W did not feel that way, and yet she didn't tell you - or at least not in ways you could understand. That's OKAY! You're at MB (marriagebuilders) now, and we can help you to learn how to change, to make a satisfying and fulfilling M.

What you should do, is read up on all you can, here at the MB site. Your best sections are anything under "infidelity". Specifically Plan A and B, Love Busters, and Emotional Needs.

At the same time, you need to calm down, and decide whether or not you want to work on your M. I'm not suggesting that you're raging, however, this is a VERY big decision, and should not be taken lightly. Therefore, it should NOT be made based on emotions.

How do you trust your W again? It will take a lot of work on her part. And at the same time, you too will have to earn your W's trust back too. It doesn't seem fair, but it's the way it is.

This site is all about M REBUILDING. So basically, you're starting from scratch. And trust me, that can be a really good thing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But even if you don't know what you want to do, this site can help you in your healing process, so that you become the best person you can be. That's a pretty good thing, don't you think?

So, welcome to MB walitys. Keep on posting, and let us know what's on your mind. Feel free to post as often as you need to. Personally, I've used this very forum as my "interactive diary" during my H's multiple A's... and it's been a Godsend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care,
Karen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The truthful, yet hard to swallow answer, is that you cannot blame the OM (other man) for this A (affair). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The heck I can't!! I realize I contributed my part to the conditions that caused my FWW to stray, but if the sorry slime OM had *any* honor or morals, that particular affair *WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED* Agreed that it could have been anybody, but the scumbag OM could have said "no" to my FWW's advances. Sorry Topie, but there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for an OM's behavior. They are all scum. Every last one of them. No exceptions except for ignorance of the WW's marital status.

Of course, walitys, Topie is absolutely correct that the OP is merely a symptom of a troubled marriage. It really could have been anybody.

Revenge is good to fantasize about, but do not try to do anything. You will be able to hold your head up high that you did not sink to the scumbag's level.

Check into anti-depressants with your doctor. There is almost no way to get through this without them. Seriously.

Best of luck. You have come to the right place.

T

<small>[ October 17, 2002, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: Optimistic Tiger ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by definitely unsure:
<strong>walitys,

First of all welcome to MB, you are in the right place for support through this hard time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My wife recently had an affaire with the doctor whom was treating her terminally ill father.We have been married over 15 years with children. she continued to lie about the details even after I found out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First you have to ask yourself if you want to repair your M. If the answer is yes, believe me it can be repaired if both partners are willing to do their part. Most WS's will continue to lie about everything until they are absolutley backed in a corner, I know that is what I did as a FWS, even after my H found out. I figured the less details he knew the less hurt he would be. And even though my A was a selfish, hurtfull act I really never wanted to hurt my H.

I would urge you to read "His Needs, Her Needs" and also the book, "How to Behave, So Your Children Will, Too!". The first book will help you learn about what went wrong in your M as far as EN's not getting met. The second book I reccomended because you mentioned you have children, this book is great because even if you are already a good parent it will help. And I know even though my H and I decided not to tell our children about our A's, they still knew something was wrong. Right now almost a year into recovery we are trying to repair the damage we have done. When your life is affected by an A you will be surprised what things you will do and how those things will effect your kids. Either way it is a great information book no matter what age your children are.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do I ever trust her again? should I?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust takes time, it will be her actions that allow you to trust her again. When she is always where she says, always answers your calls, has no problem with being checked on(and after her being involved in an A she shouldn't), this is when you will start to build some of your trust in her back. Should you? That is a personal decision, will you chose to forgive her? Forgivness, is a big part of recovery, alot of us get stuck at that point, how to forgive. I always say fogivness is a decision. It doesn't mean you forget it just means "you chose" to no longer resent. Forgiving and recovery go hand in hand and can be a great thing as long as this issues that allowed the affair to happen in the first place are addressed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I still don't know if I know the whole story</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you ask this question you have to also ask yourself do you really want to know the whole story? Do you want to know the intimate details of your wife's A? Most men are very visual, my H definitely is, do you want the details of your W's A to play over and over again in your mind like a movie marathon? If you can take the details of your W's A and "get over them" so to speak, then ask away(you do have a right to know). My H wanted to know details of my A, and I wanted to know details of his A. The result he could not even look at me for a while, he didn't want SF either and when he did the "movie marathon" would begin and he would have problems if you know what I mean. My H still refuses to go near the part of the state where OM lives. He has problems when we watch movies that have a character in them with the same name as OM. As for me I was upset about the OW for a couple of months wouldn't go places they went together, wanted to flatten her tires etc. Then after our recovery started getting better I "got over it", I had more cofidence in my M and OW was no longer a threat. The OW doesn't bother me at all anymore. Ocasionally I think that I would like to run into her while we are together just so she could see how great we are doing(it is very noticable, we "glow" as a couple, you can tell we are in love). She at one point told my H and me we would never make it(she went through a fatal attraction stage, it wasn't a pretty site)So do you want to know everything? It just depends on you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to punish this Doctor how? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Revenge is not really worth it. The OM is not worth your time or effort. I know that you don't really want to hear that right now. Most of the men on this board, and my H seem to have difficulty letting go of the anger they have toward OM but it really is the best thing to do. Besides the best revenge is building a wonderful M with your wife. Good luck, and I hope you do decide to rebuild it is really worth it. What ever you decide though MB will be here for support.

DU</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks for the reply.It is so helpful to be able to find out others point of view.

I know the om is not only to blame. But in this case he was the doctor caring for my father in law. I do beleive her took advantage of the situation. I am not saying my wife is not responsible she is. But this Doctor really steped over the line in moral and ethical behavior.

I would love to let this Doctors wife know.
Is this wrong to want that revenge. I want this Doctor to be aware I know.

That's a tough one I have never been faced with that decision there were no other spouses for me or my H to deal with.

Personally I think I would have to blow the whistle on him but anonymously. I am not saying you should do that, but that is what I think I would do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The truthful, yet hard to swallow answer, is that you cannot blame the OM (other man) for this A (affair).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The heck I can't!! I realize I contributed my part to the conditions that caused my FWW to stray, but if the sorry slime OM had *any* honor or morals, that particular affair *WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED* Agreed that it could have been anybody, but the scumbag OM could have said "no" to my FWW's advances. Sorry Topie, but there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for an OM's behavior. They are all scum. Every last one of them. No exceptions except for ignorance of the WW's marital status.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to agree with Optimistic Tiger on this one, the OM in my situation was lied to about my martial status. As soon as he found out the truth he told me off, hung up and I haven't heard from him since. Which would lead me to believe if he had known the truth he would have never been the OM.

DU

Also I would tell Om's wife to be vindictive but I would tell her because I think she deserves to know.

DU

Thanks definitly unsure. Your comments seem to hit the mark.

You spoke of the lying even when backed into a corner. MW kept it up even when it all came out. The lying was about the extent of sexual involvement with the OM. Even when I asked her with direct questions. My problem now in trying to rebuild our relationship is I don't know whats the truth or more lies.

what do I do?

You also spoke about tell the OM wife. Do you think she deserves to know. I find myself questioning my motives. How you you tell OM wife?
thanks

I've been married for only three years. My H had an A which I discovered in July 2002. He'd been having this A for 1 year and 3 months which corresponds with the time we moved to his home town-a small rural community where everybody knows everybody half of them are related and they all know each other's business.

Anyway, we are trying to repair our marriage. He has told me bits & pieces about the A and the OW but I still have questions. He swears it's over and that he NEVER wants to hear about it again. As long as he doesn't hear about it we get along fabulously. I don't really understand his refusal to talk about it.

The OW is a local elementary school teacher. I know at least half the town has heard rumblings of this A. I have written the OW two letters and have spoken with her on the phone the night I discovered the A.

My question is: Since my H won't discuss the A, and I possibly have access to talk to the OW, do you think it would help in my personal recovery to talk things over with her.

letstalk,

I have been asking myself the same question. Should I contact the OP. I think you need to ask yourself why! Do you wish revenge? Do you want information about the A your Husband wont give you? Do you really want to know the nitty gritty details. Knowing can be a curse.

I beleive I would try to get as much information from your husband first. It is you right to know.
Try to make him aware that for you to heal you need some questioned answed, no matter how hard it may be.

In my case the OM was a Doctor and I believe he took advantage of MW state of mind in dealing with her fathers illness and death. Much of the A took place in the hospital. I really want to contact this scum and blow the whistle.

Hope this helps,Just be sure and think out all the options before you act.Remember this is an emtional vulnernable time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The lying was about the extent of sexual involvement with the OM. Even when I asked her with direct questions. My problem now in trying to rebuild our relationship is I don't know whats the truth or more lies.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I lied to my H about the extent of the A(sexually & emotionally)it was because I didn't want to hurt him. For you to be able to teust her again will take time and she will have to earn trust from you. I would just be cautious and patient if I were you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You also spoke about tell the OM wife. Do you think she deserves to know. I find myself questioning my motives. How you you tell OM wife?
thanks
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think his wife deserves to know because, she after all is his wife. I also think of it this way had I not found out on my own about my H's OW and someone else knew about it I would hope they would have told me. You should tell her because it is the right thing to do.

DU