Here's my story:

(This is long winded... questions are at the bottom of the e-mail)

Married 9 yrs with a son who's 5 1/2 yrs old.

Within the first year of M, W starts complaining it isn't what she had imagined and she's not happy. Briefly mentions divorce.

Throughout the M we have ups and downs, move several times build new house.

Throughout the M she "tries" to make it work; so do I. She tells me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, loves me but feels trapped by the M and controlled by me. This is a constant topic the whole 9 years.

About 3 yrs ago she tells me she does not like who she's becoming; says she's unhappy, M is not working. We both keep trying (in hindsight, we're trying our own way and not working together).

About 2 yrs ago, she asks me to see a MC. My approach? To change to please her and make her happy. Typical male, I say we can work it out.

After Sept 11, she talks about divorce again, but never seriously.

Dec-Jan 2002. We make plans for our future, start looking to build a new house, put a deposit down, put our house for sale, etc.

Mar 2002. She meets the other man at our son's school. Starts going out with him and his two kids and my son without me to park, zoo, etc. I tell her I'm uncomfortable with all this, but because she's always felt controlled by me I leave it up to her to handle the situation.

Apr 2002. D-Day. She asks for a divorce but this time it is serious. Tells me she is in love with the OM. Tells me she's not in love with me anymore, she's never been in love with me, the marriage was a mistake, she loves me as a brother not a lover/husband and all the typical stuff. The affair seems to be purely emotional. The OM is going through a divorce with two kids about my son's age because his W abused the children. Later when I read his e-mails he talks about his decision to pursue his divorce because his W did not fulfill his dreams.

May 2002. I tell her we are moving to TX. My intention? To try to break off the A. She tells me she wants to work on our M but is not ready/willing to let go of OM. I, naively, tell her OK.

June 2002. I start noticing she's once again cold and distant towards me. I ask her if she's communicating with the OM, she says no. She keeps insisting me she wants to return to the midwest.

July 2002. We fight more often; I feel more uncomfortable, she keeps denying any communication with the OM. We decide to return to the Midwest where we lived. I decided thinking it is what she wants and I can prove to her that I can trust her again.

August 2002. The fights are constant and unbearable. She moves to her parents house and tells me to return to the midwest, she and our son will join us when "I feel better." The day before I return to the midwest I find on my computer all the e-mails he had been sending her since June (about the time she started becoming cold). It seems she pursued him even though he was with another woman; when he breaks up with her, he starts pursuing my W full time.

The e-mails are full of things my W has complained about me. In other words, he tells her the opposite, that he would never treat her that way. It seems like he tells her exactly what she wants to hear.

Sept 2002. I start visiting a MC by myself. Serves me with a lawsuit for child support and custody of our son. She does this even after I have been sending weekly checks to her for his expenses. Tells me the lawsuit is temporary. More fights over the phone. The OM sends my son presents and at one point a box of food! What the hell is she telling him about her situation? She's very well provided for.

Oct. 2002. I think we are getting somewhere. Start talking cordially. She first mentions reconciliation as a possibility for the future. Tells me, without me, she's the happiest she's ever been. I know she's struggling because she hasn't found a job and her parents are supporting her. Last week, we agree to try to work things out regarding the lawsuit without court, by ourselves. Starts asking me if I would take her back if she makes the mistake, as I call it, of continuing the relationship with the OM. Suddently, late last week, she says this lawsuit is not temporary, it is the first step in the divorce proceedings.

At this point she tells me I can never change. All this time she's been putting most of the blame on me. Says that it is too late for me to work on the M. She's been trying for 9 years. Also says our son will be better off if we divorce. Cannot see how we can make this M successful. Insists this is not about OM but about her freedom and independence (remember she's always felt constrained by the M). Her behavior is radically different than the woman I married and lived with for 9 yrs.

She says she wants smooth and easy divorce and as quickly as possible. She's tired of having my last name attached to her name and can't wait until she's finally independent from me.

Questions...

Plan B is hard to adopt because my son is in the middle, so I have to have contact with her. Is there a way to put it into practice?

Plan A did not work for me because she kept lying and taking advantage of me.

How do I reconcile tough love (Dr. Dobson) with Plan B?

How do I prepare myself if her A turns physical? How can I prevent our son from living with the OM if she moves in with him?

Any general advice would be greatly appreciated.

I am feeling a little better than a month ago, but it is still the most excruciating pain I've ever felt. She thinks my pain is the same as the pain she's lived with for the past 9 years. I admit my mistakes on the M, she is finally beginning to accept hers but won't tell me what they are. I have apologized for those mistakes. She feels she can justify her A because in her mind I didn't love her. Why? Because I am not a very physical person (I don't like to show affection in public) and I tried to show her that I loved her the way I wanted to be shown and not the way she wanted to be shown. Funny thing, she would show me that she loved me the way she wanted to be shown and not the way I would have wanted. Lack of communication?

For those of you who are religious, please pray for us.

Thank you.

<small>[ October 17, 2002, 06:22 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

Utterlyconfused: Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry about your situation. I can imagine the pain you're going through. You sound like you've been extremely patient and understanding.

I'm sorry I can't really answer your questions as I'm in Plan A (with a few minor changes re my own situation) due to my H leaving here over 3 months ago. But, I just wanted to reply and tell you to continue to post here. This forum is excellent and even if it provides nothing but a place to vent and express your feelings, it will be of help to you. I'm sure some 'veterans' will reply to you.

Take care..

UC,
Just curious? Do you also post under this same name at Affairs-Help.com? Sort of been following that story there sounds like the same one???

Almost

UC,

you and your family are added to my prayer list

How long did you do a GOOD Plan A?

I am the same UC as in affairs-help.com. Are you also using the same name there Almost There? I appreciate you following my story.

I can't say that I did a GOOD Plan A. I am revisiting plan A with a different perspective in mind. It is hard to do it while she's away. I am also trying to not talk about our R but concentrate on our son's issues and other issues of mutual interest (medical insurance, things like that).

Last night we had a wonderful conversation, resolved an issue (not related to the R) and I even made her laugh. We haven't had this good of a conversation in at least two weeks.

Thanks for your replies. You are in my prayers as well.

UC,
My name on the other board is 2HeartsOnTheMend. Have you read any of my story here or there? FWH and I are at almost a year past D-Day now and our recovery is going as well as can be expected. I'm still struggling at times to come to terms with it all but our marriage has changed for the better in so many ways. Of course, we're still dealing with Psycho FOW who refuses to go away.

Sounds like your W is the one who's utterly confused to me. She can't seem to make up her mind what she wants to do! From some of what you said about your W, like the fact that she's been unhappy since right after you two married, sounds like to me (and I could be wrong) that maybe she's someone who has unrealistic ideas and expectations about marriage. Like it's supposed to be head over heels candelight & romance or "fireworks" all the time else she's not happy. There are so many people who go into marriage with those dreamy expectations only to be disappointed when emotions begin to level off. I did this myself. I can remember a time fairly early in my marriage when I went through a depression of sorts. I mourned the loss of that crazy in love feeling we had in the beginning, mourned the fact that I felt I would never again experience those falling in love feelings again. Of course what I've learned over the long haul is that marriages have hills and valleys and that that "in love" feeling waxes and wanes through the years maybe never quite as intense as in the beginning but as a trade off something deeper and more rewarding develops. Some people however never experience this b/c they either "jump ship" as soon as the new wears off b/c they think they're not "in LUUUV" anymore or else they stay and are unhappy b/c they never can seem to get over the loss of those luuuuvvvvy feelings. What generally happens to those people is that they move from person to person each time the new wears off, always in constant pursuit of that "feeling". True love is about committment and shared history and yes some wonderful and some not so wonderful "feelings" along the way, the good with the bad and everything in between. In the end these people end up robbing themselves of ever experiencing true love, deep love in the sense that God intended it. Loving and having someone love them faults and all. Perhaps this is the case with your wife? Perhaps she is/was happily married and doesn't even recognize. Hope she wakes up and smells the coffee before she makes a decision she may regret for the rest of her life. She has not been thru the real nitty-gritty grind of daily life with her OW. When reality steps in, he may not turn out to be what she thinks he is. She will be disappointed to find that, should she actually end up with him, eventually that "starry-eyed" lovers thing will go away with him too. NOBODY can maintain that kind of blind infatuation for very long.

UC, I'll be praying for you and your family and hope the two of you can work things out. For the time being, Plan A for YOURSELF and not for HER. Work on You for You and for your son. No matter how it works out with your W, in the end you'll be better off for it and if it doesn't work out between the two of you, you'll have more to offer the next Mrs UC. Hang in there buddy and try to keep your chin up and SMILE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Almost

Bump. Bump. UC, you there?

Thanks for your encouragement.

When I was served with the lawsuit I became real upset for the first time after d-day and told her quite a few things that were mean. Normal reaction, bad move. Anyway, her latest is that I crossed the line with that and it is something she cannot forgive. She cannot live with a man who cannot treat her like a lady. (This is what the OM always calls her "lady"). She insists that convinced her that the M will never work out. That was her turning point and she cannot go back now.

She admits, though, that she also has crossed the line and even more reason why I should want the D as well. She still claims she never loved me and that she's sorry if she ever did anything that I thought she did. Her heart is stone cold and she's very negative about me and about the R; insists there is not base from which to build on. I'm like, what about our son?

Anyway, ups and downs lately. Today she dragged me into a conversation about the R that ended up badly. I am beginning to think she's doing that on purpose, to make me fight with her. I am finding it real hard to not defend myself when she attacks me. I have to redirect the conversation to our son when she does that.

You're right. There are an uncanny amount of similarities between our WWs and what they say.

Here are my 2 cents on your questions:
"Plan B is hard to adopt because my son is in the middle, so I have to have contact with her. Is there a way to put it into practice?"

I don't have a child, but from what I've read one can put Plan B into practice with a child. However, my opinion based on what I've read from your post here is that you should continue Plan A.

"Plan A did not work for me because she kept lying and taking advantage of me."
I felt the same way about my WW, but remember Plan A is about you making yourself a better person and staying the course. Do not let WW's words and actions throw you off the path and cause you to LB.

The reason I recommend that you continue with Plan A is because of all the "fighting" and arguments you said that you've been having. One of the most important parts of Plan A is not to Lovebust. You want to seem like a safe place to return to if/when the A dies a natural death. If you are LBing, then you are not a safe/attractive choice. Also, if/when you ever do go to Plan B, you want the last memories of you to be positive and not of LBing. The recommendation is 6 months of a good Plan A. I think you'd agree that you have not done a good Plan A.

It is not easy. If WW starts yelling or getting angry etc, difuse the anger by being a good listener. Just listen and summarize what she is saying, tell her you understand that that is how she feels. You don't have to agree. You should be honest, but you don't have to/shouldn't argue, make demands, or be disrespectful towards her (despite the way she treats you.)

It is tempting/almost uncontrollable to react when our emotions are flying high, but we must not let our Taker get control of the situation and cause us to LB.

"How do I prepare myself if her A turns physical?"
There is no way to "prepare." To be honest with you, she probably is already having a PA. I didn't know how I'd react before I found out about my WW. I'm not sure how I keep going sometimes. Anyway, back when I first found out about my WW's EA, someone here told me that an EA is much worse than a PA. So sad but true.

" How can I prevent our son from living with the OM if she moves in with him?"
Hmmm...You could probably go through some legal channels (i.e. talk to a lawyer.) However, it seems that any move you make in that area will just be interpreted as a LB for your WW or another reason for her to justify the A & divorce. I don't have a child, so I honestly don't know how I'd feel if I were in your situation and had one. I'm sorry I wish I had better advice for you on this question. Perhaps someone else on this board does?

As for general advice, if talking about your M is just going in circles with both of you disagreeing with each other and ending up frustrated, perhaps you should not bring it up? Remember actions speak louder than words. Rather than wait for your WW to come around and tell you what needs you can meet of hers and what things you do that are LBs to her, why don't you fill out a sheet (for yourself) as though you are her? You probably know most of the things that she likes as well as what bothers her. So make those changes asap. She may not let you meet her needs (because OM is) but she might, but either way, you can definately stop LBing.

Remain calm when you are with her. You are both on the emotional rollercoaster of your lives and everything is very sensitive and thigns could blow up in a second (one day things seem fine and then the next boom.) Since you know this, be aware of how you act and speak, then change it to difuse the time bomb that would normally explode.

Are there other things you can also do for yourself? exercise/working out more? your appearance? hair? new clothes? present yourself in the best possible way when you know you will see her. Think of it as going on a first date (each time) and be on your best behavior.

She will notice the changes. She may think and say it is too late (the M could never work etc), but don't let that stop you. Over time she may see that the changes are real and the A may die a natural death and then she may be ready to start recovery. It may be a long way away or it may not ever happen, but believe me you will feel a whole lot better about your self, your emotions, and your life when you know you've done a good Plan A (whether things work out or not.)

Plan B is only after you've done a great Plan A for a long time (and consulted with the Harleys before you go to it) and/or you can't take the pain of Plan A any longer and can't stop yourself from LBing your WW.

aanast,

Thanks a mil for replying to my post. Your reply is full of good advice. About two weeks ago, I reconsidered how I was handling my Plan A and noticed that I was doing a really lousy job of it. It's taking me all this time to diffuse her angry words. I can say I have been successful since last Wednesday. We've had several pleasant conversations since then, even though she tried to provoke me a few times. Tonight, I briefly spoke with her and she was very distant and wanted me to hang up with my son. The reason? I don't know; perhaps she was going to talk to the OM. I remember that throughout the last 7 months she's warmed up to me several times only to turn stone cold after seeing or talking with the OM.

I hope I am not too late in applying Plan A. Unfortunately, I've done plenty of LBing since I found out about the A. I feel strong about Plan A and think I can maintain it successfully.

As far as the A turning physical, I have reason to believe it hasn't but one can never be 100% sure. She's been in TX since May, he is in the midwest where I am. They met in Feb/March, she told me of her love for him April 6. She went to her parents for two weeks then, returned to the midwest and moved to TX in May. All this time, she has been with our son, so I know of only a handful of instances where they have been alone.

Anyway, thanks for your reply. Keep your hopes up and stay strong.

If you do get divorced, don't be too down on yourself for getting angry and LBing. You did/are doing the best *you* could. Nobody is perfect but at least you are trying.

Now that you realize you are letting WW's words affect you/causing you to LB, you know what you can do. When WW seems upset/angry etc... and is directly it at you, just be a good listener.

I wish you the best.

other thoughts...

the more you do everything you can to save your M (i.e. Plan A) the more you will feel better about yourself. You may get divorced but you will look back and have less regret and know you did your best. You may not get divorced and so Plan A will be a great foundation for recovery. Either way you will be ok. It is ok to tell yourself that honestly, whatever happens, you will be ok, have a great life, etc.

As for your specific situation, I highly recommend calling Steve Harley. Though our situation has similarities (as do all of ours), every person is different and situation has its own dimensions. So, Steve can help you better than any of us. Specifically with the child issue (as I don't know what to tell ya.)